It's been coming, and now it's here. Wife having affair, I'm prepping for divorce

[VanillaLife]

I can't believe she did him in your bed. That is just vile, eeeewww!

 

I'd consider putting that out on the curb too!

 

BIG sign - FREE bed - INCLUDES the wife!

 

Not in our bed. It was in the guest bedroom, which is downstairs.

 

Still tough to deal with and best case scenario is that room gets completely remodeled, worst case I sell the house

 

I met with OM's wife again last night. We just had a glass of wine and talked a lot. When she got back she texted me to say things had gone south and she has kicked him it out. I am thinking they will be back in touch and that will make this easier again

[Chi townD]

Not in our bed. It was in the guest bedroom, which is downstairs.

 

Still tough to deal with and best case scenario is that room gets completely remodeled, worst case I sell the house

 

I met with OM's wife again last night. We just had a glass of wine and talked a lot. When she got back she texted me to say things had gone south and she has kicked him it out. I am thinking they will be back in touch and that will make this easier again

 

 

Yep! Now that he's out, take a scientific wild ass guess who he's going to be contacting soon!

 

 

Keep your eyes on the lookout!

[Fearful]

U just have to man up and divorce your wife as quick as possible. Stop giving excuses. She have been sleeping with the OM And now denying u sex. Don't base your action on the anticipation of her action. If you don't have Self respect you are less of a man and who will respect? You can live for the kids but with her you don't have life because you are living in deception and mistrust. At the end, you will have nothing to offer the children because you don't even own your self- disjointed life style. Stop being a doormat, act fast

[oldshirt]

Not in our bed. It was in the guest bedroom, which is downstairs.

 

 

 

I thought I read the whole thread but I missed something significant.

 

 

 

 

....so they did have sex??????

[VanillaLife]

U just have to man up and divorce your wife as quick as possible. Stop giving excuses. She have been sleeping with the OM And now denying u sex. Don't base your action on the anticipation of her action. If you don't have Self respect you are less of a man and who will respect? You can live for the kids but with her you don't have life because you are living in deception and mistrust. At the end, you will have nothing to offer the children because you don't even own your self- disjointed life style. Stop being a doormat, act fast

 

Pretty harsh way of putting it, but it's about right

 

I thought I read the whole thread but I missed something significant.

 

 

 

 

....so they did have sex??????

 

Yes they did. He claimed twice. She said three times. I got her messages and it was four. FML.

[oldshirt]

Pretty harsh way of putting it, but it's about right

 

 

 

Yes they did. He claimed twice. She said three times. I got her messages and it was four. FML.

 

 

 

Fearful really wasn't being harsh but rather simply stating it like it is. This is a pretty dismal situation and one that needs strong and decisive action whichever route you choose.

 

 

I read this entire thread from start to finish and it has been kind of an interesting evolution throughout. You started out peculiarly calm, focused and detached....almost as if it were fiction. Then towards the latter posts you have shown considerable capitulation.

 

 

I have no moral or personal stake in whether you attempt reconciliation or divorce. But what I do believe is key to success for either a healthy reconciliation or a healthy divorce is that you draw a hard line in the sand and show strong, unrelenting and unyielding determination.

 

 

This situation is quite dire and the hope for a happy, healthy marriage with an even remotely satisfying and healthy sexlife is infantesimmaly small.

 

 

- she lost attraction for you years ago and you have had an essentially sexless marriage for multiple years.

 

 

- this caused you to detach and disengage from to the degree that you were considering divorce and/or your own affair even prior to discovering her affair.

 

 

- Upon discovery you set out with an almost erie detachment and nuts-and-bolts plan of divorce and lawsuit against OM.

 

 

- Upon confrontation of affair, she does admit to sexual relations with OM but has stated she does not wish sexual relations with you but wants to remain in the home and live off your dime and under your roof. ......And you are allowing it??????????????

 

 

Why?????

 

 

Why the capitulation and why the surrender?

 

 

I can understand pursuit of an amicable divorce with committed coparenting.

 

 

And I can even an attempt at reconciliation if she made vow to work on the marriage and strive for a full-service marriage complete with a marital sexlife, complete discloser and complete no-contact with OM.

 

 

But I'm not seeing where she has made any such vows. The fact that she has maintained a boundary of no marital sex (and even disallowing hugging) and haven't seen whereSHE has promised no contact with OM but rather OM's wife has been the one kicking his ass, but yet she wants to remain in the marital home and to continue to be supported by you and now you have gone strangely silent on this thread?????

 

 

What's happening now? Where do things currently stand today?? What are the future plans for this week? Why the capitulation from a man determined to divorce with the focus and determination worthy of a John Grisham novel to man allowing an admitted adulterous wife who has refused him sex for years and now upon discovery of her affair has maintained a position of no marital sex but still living off of your dime.

 

 

Please fill us in with a comprehensive update and fill in some of those gaps.

[passion_flower]

Fearful really wasn't being harsh but rather simply stating it like it is. This is a pretty dismal situation and one that needs strong and decisive action whichever route you choose.

 

 

I read this entire thread from start to finish and it has been kind of an interesting evolution throughout. You started out peculiarly calm, focused and detached....almost as if it were fiction. Then towards the latter posts you have shown considerable capitulation.

 

 

I have no moral or personal stake in whether you attempt reconciliation or divorce. But what I do believe is key to success for either a healthy reconciliation or a healthy divorce is that you draw a hard line in the sand and show strong, unrelenting and unyielding determination.

 

 

This situation is quite dire and the hope for a happy, healthy marriage with an even remotely satisfying and healthy sexlife is infantesimmaly small.

 

 

- she lost attraction for you years ago and you have had an essentially sexless marriage for multiple years.

 

 

- this caused you to detach and disengage from to the degree that you were considering divorce and/or your own affair even prior to discovering her affair.

 

 

- Upon discovery you set out with an almost erie detachment and nuts-and-bolts plan of divorce and lawsuit against OM.

 

 

- Upon confrontation of affair, she does admit to sexual relations with OM but has stated she does not wish sexual relations with you but wants to remain in the home and live off your dime and under your roof. ......And you are allowing it??????????????

 

 

Why?????

 

 

Why the capitulation and why the surrender?

 

 

I can understand pursuit of an amicable divorce with committed coparenting.

 

 

And I can even an attempt at reconciliation if she made vow to work on the marriage and strive for a full-service marriage complete with a marital sexlife, complete discloser and complete no-contact with OM.

 

 

But I'm not seeing where she has made any such vows. The fact that she has maintained a boundary of no marital sex (and even disallowing hugging) and haven't seen whereSHE has promised no contact with OM but rather OM's wife has been the one kicking his ass, but yet she wants to remain in the marital home and to continue to be supported by you and now you have gone strangely silent on this thread?????

 

 

What's happening now? Where do things currently stand today?? What are the future plans for this week? Why the capitulation from a man determined to divorce with the focus and determination worthy of a John Grisham novel to man allowing an admitted adulterous wife who has refused him sex for years and now upon discovery of her affair has maintained a position of no marital sex but still living off of your dime.

 

 

Please fill us in with a comprehensive update and fill in some of those gaps.

 

He's probably burying his head in the sand, he went four years stuck in a deteriorating marriage and is now at a point when his wife should be fighting for their marriage and isn't, it seems he just isn't willing to let go for whatever reason.

[VanillaLife]

Please fill us in with a comprehensive update and fill in some of those gaps.

 

Sorry, I really can't. We have been doing the counseling thing and it has uprooted some deep - very deep and very painful - issues which I was not prepared for. Sounds a simply kop out but believe it is not - the situation is highly complex.

 

Let me explain this much... if she had left with the OM I think my original mode of operation would have been perfect. They would have chosen their path together and I would be in an immensely strong position to control the outcome. However he bottled it pretty much at the first revelation. What I as not prepared for is what the subsequent fall out was, and the issues that have arisen as a result. I just can't go into detail on here, too emotional and too private, but suffice to say after such a long marriage, such a commitment, and the fact that she remains the mother of my children, I cannot simply dump her on the street at this point. Each day convinces me more and more that ultimately I am working towards some form of amicable split and co-parenting solution, just know for now that there is a real risk IMHO to her life right now if I just play hard ball and kick her out and file the divorce.

 

I really, really wish the OM had a bigger set of balls and was willing to see it through. I know for a fact he's not f***ed his wife for nine years and nine more will pass and that won't change.

[2sunny]

Are you serious? You're WILLING to allow her to KEEP clock blocking you and your happiness?

 

Believe me - if you had her move - she would find a way to be fine without you paying her way. Women make it work all the time.

 

 

I don't understand why her cheating is more important than your happiness and self respect.

Edited April 25, 2014 by 2sunny

[VanillaLife]

Well hey folks I thought I would give something of an update. Quite a lot has gone on since I last posted here but we have been working on the relationship, seeking various forms of counselling and working out what to do. A couple of months on and now that the initial fire has been put out and the pain is starting to recede a little we have agreed to an "amicable" separation. I think we have learned that we have served each other well as friends and co-parents and that is what we should focus on retaining in the future. So our focus is on making our living arrangement apart from each other as friendly. amicable and productive for our children as we possibly can and allow ourselves to move on with each other's lives separately.

 

I sensed a lot of "disappointment" at my apparent "capitulation" in this, and I understand some of that, but recognize that nobody lived this with me and my initial reactions and planning would have served me rightly had the OM not himself truly capitulated at the first hint he'd been caught. Since then we have both had to deal with different issues that we were less prepared for. But we did so and think we are coming out of it stronger. Yes I could have kicked her out on the street and given her nothing, but despite what happened this person is a very dear friend and the mother of my children and as a result will always be part of my family. My initial reaction was to protect what was mine from the threat of an outside party. Once he had gone, it changed to ensuring we move forward from this as productively as possible without harming my children, their mother, and myself. I think we are on the right path now. It won't be easy, but we are moving forward, and I feel more optimistic now than at any point since this whole thing broke.

[jbelle6]

Well hey folks I thought I would give something of an update. Quite a lot has gone on since I last posted here but we have been working on the relationship, seeking various forms of counselling and working out what to do. A couple of months on and now that the initial fire has been put out and the pain is starting to recede a little we have agreed to an "amicable" separation. I think we have learned that we have served each other well as friends and co-parents and that is what we should focus on retaining in the future. So our focus is on making our living arrangement apart from each other as friendly. amicable and productive for our children as we possibly can and allow ourselves to move on with each other's lives separately.

 

I sensed a lot of "disappointment" at my apparent "capitulation" in this, and I understand some of that, but recognize that nobody lived this with me and my initial reactions and planning would have served me rightly had the OM not himself truly capitulated at the first hint he'd been caught. Since then we have both had to deal with different issues that we were less prepared for. But we did so and think we are coming out of it stronger. Yes I could have kicked her out on the street and given her nothing, but despite what happened this person is a very dear friend and the mother of my children and as a result will always be part of my family. My initial reaction was to protect what was mine from the threat of an outside party. Once he had gone, it changed to ensuring we move forward from this as productively as possible without harming my children, their mother, and myself. I think we are on the right path now. It won't be easy, but we are moving forward, and I feel more optimistic now than at any point since this whole thing broke.

 

 

I just found your thread tonight and read through it all.

I think it is very normal to go into an almost robot mode at first because it doesn't sink in yet. Men also I feel deal with things by getting extra task oriented so your initial reaction was not odd to me.

 

I'm really happy for you that things turned out this way. Having hate in our hearts only hurts ourselves. I am best friends with my ex husband and live very close so my son has really not been affected much at all and he is most important, he can't make decisions on how he lives, we have to make those, not fair to make things hard.

 

I am glad you are separating from her, I don't think you could ever come back from what she did. I am glad you updated and things are a bit better.

[VanillaLife]

I just found your thread tonight and read through it all.

I think it is very normal to go into an almost robot mode at first because it doesn't sink in yet. Men also I feel deal with things by getting extra task oriented so your initial reaction was not odd to me.

 

I'm really happy for you that things turned out this way. Having hate in our hearts only hurts ourselves. I am best friends with my ex husband and live very close so my son has really not been affected much at all and he is most important, he can't make decisions on how he lives, we have to make those, not fair to make things hard.

 

I am glad you are separating from her, I don't think you could ever come back from what she did. I am glad you updated and things are a bit better.

 

Thanks for the feedback. Yes I think you are absolutely right my robotic actions in the first week were definitely reactionary. It basically broke down at the weekend when I confronted her, the so called "D-Day". But still the prep work I did that week ultimately served me well in understanding in a lot of details my rights and obligations.

 

It is very encouraging to hear other stories of people retaining a friendship with their ex'es. I know it's going to be hard. I know deep down I am a jealous type - I never manifested that through control in the relationship due to strong trust - but ultimately it is going to hurt me when I see someone else making her happy, even if someone else is making me happy. But what we have in terms of friendship and our children make that something worth working on.

 

I had hoped and wanted there to be some way to fix our marriage, but ultimately we have both concluded that at the very least we need to spend time apart and that is likely not fixable. So yes I agree what we are doing is the right thing. Maybe in years to come things will change, but right now we need to just move on our own ways.

 

We are still living together right now but looking for a new home for her. We plan on getting something close. Not so close that we can see each other passing every day, but certainly no more than a mile or two away and either in the same sub-division or one of the neighboring ones. I think it will help the kids with stability, they keep the same friends, social circle etc and it will be easier for us to support each other. I think I read somewhere the optimal distance to live apart for successful co-parents is 1.5-2 miles. Our plan is to have a place lined up and her move out and us break it to the kids when they finish school in a couple of weeks, so that they have the summer break to transition.

 

I am probably going to try using this forum again for support in the next step, though I have to say personal therapy has been very helpful both for me and her (not so sure about the marriage counseling which felt a bit of waste of time)

[Decisiontomake]

I just found this thread too and think you've been totally awesome in how you've dealt with it! I separated three weeks ago from my husband of 23 years, and let me tell you, doing it amicably is waaaaaaaay better than name calling, plate throwing etc (which may have happened at some point on the run up!).

 

 

She will always be the mother of your children, and from my own experience, I do love my husband dearly for the nice guy he is and for the history we share together. Sometimes relationships just run their cause and the symptom of that is an affair.

 

 

I really do wish you well and hope that you'll keep posting as the ups and downs of the journey continue.

[VanillaLife]

Thanks for the support folks, it really is appreciated.

 

Funny story from today is I had my first meeting with who I think will now be "my" counselor. So far she has had one and we have had a marriage one. So this was first time with someone just for my needs. Anyway after I tell him the story he said he found it remarkable how detached I am for someone who just found out his 14 year marriage had ended. Sounds familiar right? LOL. Made me think of this whole thread and gave me a laugh at least.

 

Right now things are starting to "get real". We are going to look at some houses in a couple of hours with the intention to move quick and snag one. She just updated her Facebook profile so we are no longer "married". Digital age breakups hah!!! But I think right now both of us are feeling very relieved to have the chance to move on with our lives. Essentially in the direct aftermath she was just too weak for me to leave alone, her therapy has helped address that and now we are being very honest, candid and open with each other and it feels good. I also now feel less bitter about the affair because I don't feel any more she should be doing everything to appease me, rather we have just accepted to move on.

[jbelle6]

Thanks for the support folks, it really is appreciated.

 

Funny story from today is I had my first meeting with who I think will now be "my" counselor. So far she has had one and we have had a marriage one. So this was first time with someone just for my needs. Anyway after I tell him the story he said he found it remarkable how detached I am for someone who just found out his 14 year marriage had ended. Sounds familiar right? LOL. Made me think of this whole thread and gave me a laugh at least.

 

Right now things are starting to "get real". We are going to look at some houses in a couple of hours with the intention to move quick and snag one. She just updated her Facebook profile so we are no longer "married". Digital age breakups hah!!! But I think right now both of us are feeling very relieved to have the chance to move on with our lives. Essentially in the direct aftermath she was just too weak for me to leave alone, her therapy has helped address that and now we are being very honest, candid and open with each other and it feels good. I also now feel less bitter about the affair because I don't feel any more she should be doing everything to appease me, rather we have just accepted to move on.

 

 

LOL Right? People are updating their relationship statuses at their weddings!!! So funny how big of a deal that is now, but it is. It's sort of nice not to have to tell everyone one by one I guess.

 

I can be a jealous as well, but I think you'll meet someone new and better for you and find that instead of jealousy you'll actually just feel happy for her. I can relate to a sexless marriage and that's no way to live. I am not so sure you can ever get it back once that is totally gone.

[Decisiontomake]

Things "getting real" is something I can totally relate to. As I signed a lease on an apartment, I felt physically sick that I was ACTUALLY DOING IT! The emotional roller coaster is not for the faint of heart. I know I'm doing the right thing, but that doesn't stop the analysis, fear, relief, loneliness, empowerment blah blah blah hitting at any moment - sometimes altogether ;-).

 

I totally believe that separations can be "amicable" though in terms of working together through them and not letting them descend into chaos. My husband actually helped me move into the apartment, building beds for me etc. To some that's weird (and yes there was a surrealism to it), but it's much healthier for our kids to see us like that and I do still love him, and he me so we're trying to work through this one day - hell, one moment! - at a time.

[soccerrprp]

Sorry didn't read all the posts. I would never work through infidelity. That's automatic divorce proceedings for me.

 

Going back to the original OP's post, have you thought of getting a PI to take pics of wife's affair? Have evidence and then go to lawyer and try to get AT LEAST 50% custody, much lower child support payments, et. al.

[VanillaLife]

LOL Right? People are updating their relationship statuses at their weddings!!! So funny how big of a deal that is now, but it is. It's sort of nice not to have to tell everyone one by one I guess.

 

I can be a jealous as well, but I think you'll meet someone new and better for you and find that instead of jealousy you'll actually just feel happy for her. I can relate to a sexless marriage and that's no way to live. I am not so sure you can ever get it back once that is totally gone.

 

The FB thing is just crazy... ROFL to people spending their wedding day on FB!! We were both at least discreet enough to actually hide our status, but I looked and could see she had changed it and then I did the same (but hid it from public so it just does not show relationship status). I don't feel the need for a public fanfare on the issue!

 

Jealousy is an issue I will work with but you are right the best way to address it is to start moving on with your own life so that you are happy with what you have.

 

Good for you' date=' Vanillalife. Letting go of the anger is a milestone on the way to a new and better life. Your anger may be justified, but that doesn't mean it's doing you any good.[/quote']

 

This is just so true... anger has been consuming me way too much since this all started, it feels so good now to have been able to let that go. And I do feel I can let it go. I felt angry that she did this but then "trapped" me by staying around and wanting to work on the marriage. Now that she too has the strength to go alone I feel all that resentment going. Sure I will still have issues to deal with but they now feel like a part of my past and not my present.

 

Things "getting real" is something I can totally relate to. As I signed a lease on an apartment, I felt physically sick that I was ACTUALLY DOING IT! The emotional roller coaster is not for the faint of heart. I know I'm doing the right thing, but that doesn't stop the analysis, fear, relief, loneliness, empowerment blah blah blah hitting at any moment - sometimes altogether ;-).

 

I totally believe that separations can be "amicable" though in terms of working together through them and not letting them descend into chaos. My husband actually helped me move into the apartment, building beds for me etc. To some that's weird (and yes there was a surrealism to it), but it's much healthier for our kids to see us like that and I do still love him, and he me so we're trying to work through this one day - hell, one moment! - at a time.

 

I am really determined to make this amicable and as pleasant as possible. I have read some funny stuff on here about exes still sleeping at each others houses "for the kids" and I certainly don't plan on any of that crap. I don't want to do anything that will interfere with my ability to form future, productive relationships. So anything that a potential partner might think is 'weird' is likely to be out. But being nice to each other, helping her get established on her own two feet... that is good for me, good for my kids and good for her.

 

Doesn't mean it's not hard. We went to see houses this morning. First few were really depressing. To put in context we live in a house that cost just shy of $1m and now she's looking at townhomes at $200k. It's a big jump. Finally we find one that I think will work well, it's on the other side of the same subdivision we live in for just over $300k and is really nice and somewhere I'd be happy having my kids live in. But then when we get back she jokes "oh look at this beautiful house with a nice pool... this one will do!!!". Ha ha but then I come back 5 minutes later and she is balling her eyes in tears. It is not easy.

 

Sorry didn't read all the posts. I would never work through infidelity. That's automatic divorce proceedings for me.

 

Going back to the original OP's post, have you thought of getting a PI to take pics of wife's affair? Have evidence and then go to lawyer and try to get AT LEAST 50% custody, much lower child support payments, et. al.

 

Appreciate the feedback, but this isn't where I need to be right now. I did hire a PI who was a waste of time and money. She has already confessed fully to the affair that is all the court needs, if it even gets to court. It is likely we end up in an uncontested divorce where we split the kids 50/50, I pay child support and I also pay some spousal support (essentially buying her this house I mention)