thecrucible Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 So here is some background to my question. I'm 24 and I recently lost 50lbs. I've also gained a lot of confidence. I dated some abusive men in the past and was very needy for a man and unable to have my own life. I'm not like that any more but I'm finding it difficult to find someone because I don't need a man for my self-esteem anymore so I don't have a reason to find a relationship. I am getting more positive reactions than I ever have done before. I want to settle down and find 'the one'. I'm not in love with myself. I'm not an arrogant person, but I find that I have become really picky. My friends have warned me that I have to be less picky regarding looks - they don't think I'm shallow but they think I'm all about instant attraction. In all honesty, I do try to give a good guy a chance. Recently I met a lovely guy and I really want to feel a spark and to like him romantically and I just can't no matter how much I try - and we have been on 6 dates so far (have kissed but it didn't feel right to me). That's just one scenario. The other scenario I regularly deal with is meeting men I do have the hots for, but they are always only after one thing from me. I have become better at filtering for these guys but they are still there. I'd like to meet someone I feel a spark for and like his personality too - not just someone with either one or the other. My friends think my over focus on finding 'the one' and the fact I'm unemployed is making me too picky. I'm scared I'll be alone forever. I'm scared that I'll have to settle for someone I don't feel a spark with and always be looking over my shoulder for someone I like better. I don't want to do that to a guy and I feel people deserve better than that. I'd rather be alone than with someone I don't have a passion for. But it's hard for me to find what I want. I have committed misdeeds in my past that make me feel like damaged goods. I once dated a man that I didn't find attractive but I liked his personality. We almost got to the stage of getting engaged but he wasn't treating me right. He didn't spend any time with me for the last 2 months of our relationship and I ended up cheating on him because I got too sexually frustrated. I confessed immediately afterwards and that relationship ended. I haven't had a serious relationship ever since. I feel stupid that I acted out, and did that, rather than acknowledge my own feelings and end it myself. I have learnt my lesson from that. I don't really know what I'm asking here but I just hope you can help me see where I'm going wrong, and give me some insights into my behaviour. - Lu 1
AntiSocal Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 You have the same problem as every other women ever. Don't worry, when you start getting old (around 35) you'll realize that those hunks will never settle for you and you'll marry the first dweeb who asks you on a date. Its funny because women expect men to look past looks, flaws, weight issues, horrid past actions, etc... But if a guy who isn't 100% hunky even approaches the average women she'll yell "creep!" and run away. You've got two choices here. You can change your outlook on life now (you'll be forced to change it when you get old and lonely anyway). Or you can try your hardest to get with one of those "hunky" men and really give him your all. And when i say your all? I mean spend money on him, allow him to abuse you, allow him to cheat, allow him to control you etc... He'll be so impressed with your submissive attitude that he'll keep you around even though he knows he can do better. And then when his libido drops and you guys get old and fat he'll be completely faithful in every way. And you'll be happy through it all because you'll have your perfect eye candy to show off to the ladies. Post above is 100% serious. "love" doesn't exist. Especially not for truly attractive people because at the end of the day? They can always do better. Women have evolved to want the best seed for their wombs. Which is understandable. Men have evolved to sow their seeds wherever they can. Which is also understandable. So at the end of the day you gotta make a choice. Do i take the hunky bad boy with the best seed whose gonna make my heart skip a beat? Or do i take the dweeby short bald guy whose gonna let me boss him around? Up to you honey buns. 1
Author thecrucible Posted March 19, 2014 Author Posted March 19, 2014 Thanks. I don't want to date a man I don't find attractive at all. I want the best of both worlds. I don't want to date a guy who lets me boss him around. I can' t get over my attraction towards dominant confident men.
pickflicker Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 You have the same problem as every other women ever. Don't worry, when you start getting old (around 35) you'll realize that those hunks will never settle for you and you'll marry the first dweeb who asks you on a date. Its funny because women expect men to look past looks, flaws, weight issues, horrid past actions, etc... But if a guy who isn't 100% hunky even approaches the average women she'll yell "creep!" and run away. You've got two choices here. You can change your outlook on life now (you'll be forced to change it when you get old and lonely anyway). Or you can try your hardest to get with one of those "hunky" men and really give him your all. And when i say your all? I mean spend money on him, allow him to abuse you, allow him to cheat, allow him to control you etc... He'll be so impressed with your submissive attitude that he'll keep you around even though he knows he can do better. And then when his libido drops and you guys get old and fat he'll be completely faithful in every way. And you'll be happy through it all because you'll have your perfect eye candy to show off to the ladies. Post above is 100% serious. "love" doesn't exist. Especially not for truly attractive people because at the end of the day? They can always do better. Women have evolved to want the best seed for their wombs. Which is understandable. Men have evolved to sow their seeds wherever they can. Which is also understandable. So at the end of the day you gotta make a choice. Do i take the hunky bad boy with the best seed whose gonna make my heart skip a beat? Or do i take the dweeby short bald guy whose gonna let me boss him around? Up to you honey buns. Wow. Bitter, much? OP, the problem here is that a relationship is a be all and end all. If you're unemployed, a job should be your focus right now. Fix that, worry about dating later. 2
AntiSocal Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 Wow. Bitter, much? OP, the problem here is that a relationship is a be all and end all. If you're unemployed, a job should be your focus right now. Fix that, worry about dating later. Nope. Bitter lots. Nothing but truth in that post though. And in this is coming from a man who women do find objectively handsome. I have no idea why women even claim to want relationships anyway. Seems like they are just in it for the cash/the chase. As soon as guy decides he is willing to commit to you you'll decide hes no longer hunky anymore anyway.
David87 Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 Thanks. I don't want to date a man I don't find attractive at all. I want the best of both worlds. I don't want to date a guy who lets me boss him around. I can' t get over my attraction towards dominant confident men. Have you met me ? All jokes aside when the right person comes into your life everything will go smooth. I know that most of you will say that everything in life is random but there must be a master plan for every single one of us. Sooner or later you'll find your other half. Good things tend to happen when you least expect it.. 2
pickflicker Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 Nope. Bitter lots. Nothing but truth in that post though. And in this is coming from a man who women do find objectively handsome. I have no idea why women even claim to want relationships anyway. Seems like they are just in it for the cash/the chase. As soon as guy decides he is willing to commit to you you'll decide hes no longer hunky anymore anyway. No, there's not nothing but truth your post. You're just demonizing women from your own perspective. Once that happens, you might as well give up. 2
Author thecrucible Posted March 19, 2014 Author Posted March 19, 2014 Have you met me ? All jokes aside when the right person comes into your life everything will go smooth. I know that most of you will say that everything in life is random but there must be a master plan for every single one of us. Sooner or later you'll find your other half. Good things tend to happen when you least expect it.. Thanks David87, Maybe that's it. I'm trying to control things too much. I'm trying too hard to find it. My friends also say that I have tendency to go for guys who maintain a bit of mystery/aren't that emotionally available to me, because I get scared whenever I get close to someone. For some reason, I'd rather a guy took his time to be into me than like me straight away - like the idea that he's figuring me out as much as I'm figuring him out. I don't know what's wrong with me. This guy I've been on several dates with - he came up to me and told me I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever met, then asked me on a date and he is forever telling me how nice I am. I just don't. see myself that way. I should like him but I don't. Ahh. :/ 1
pickflicker Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 Have you met me ? All jokes aside when the right person comes into your life everything will go smooth. I know that most of you will say that everything in life is random but there must be a master plan for every single one of us. Sooner or later you'll find your other half. Good things tend to happen when you least expect it.. There's someone out there in the world that "gets" you, and you "get" them. 1
David87 Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 There's someone out there in the world that "gets" you, and you "get" them. I strongly believe that, because so far I tried my best to find my perfect one but failed every single time.
GoreSP Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 I don't know - I kind of agree with Antisocial here - but I'm going to say men do it too. Our society isn't for singles and sooooooo manyyyyy people define themselves based around the fact that they are in a relationship and a lot of people do get into a relationship with someone just so they aren't alone... (and when I say this, I am thinking of my ex who himself told me he would either be with me or his current girlfriend because he just didn't want to go through the whole deal of dating and pretending to be nice until the girl is 'hooked') It also makes sense when people are jumping from one relationship to another so I can under where Antisocial is coming from. For that reason I think a lot of people underestimate how hard it is to find someone you truly connect with. OP isn't picky - OP is comfortable being single so she doesn't mind remaining single until she finds that someone she is truly comfortable with. There is no need to settle. 1
pickflicker Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 I strongly believe that, because so far I tried my best to find my perfect one but failed every single time. It's ok. The real failure is never trying. You have to just embrace a situation when it presents itself, wholeheartedly. The heart will heal. I speak from experience. :-) 2
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 OP I know how you feel. I haven't had a real spark with someone since 2011. I meet guys that look good but are dumb or their personality sucks. I also meet good guys that I'm not sexually into. And getting older doesn't help. I'm way pickier now than I was in my 20s. In fact I wouldn't date anyone I dated in the past. 1
Author thecrucible Posted March 19, 2014 Author Posted March 19, 2014 OP I know how you feel. I haven't had a real spark with someone since 2011. I meet guys that look good but are dumb or their personality sucks. I also meet good guys that I'm not sexually into. And getting older doesn't help. I'm way pickier now than I was in my 20s. In fact I wouldn't date anyone I dated in the past. Thank you so much. I'm glad someone understands how I feel. I think I feel very lonely right now. I'm going to try and start a new hobby which is social so I can meet more people. I cried a lot over the last few days. I'm getting so upset meeting men who just want sex and nothing serious from me. All my friends are settling down. I'm 24 but still feel a bit bereft.
endlessabyss Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 (edited) Thank you so much. I'm glad someone understands how I feel. I think I feel very lonely right now. I'm going to try and start a new hobby which is social so I can meet more people. I cried a lot over the last few days. I'm getting so upset meeting men who just want sex and nothing serious from me. All my friends are settling down. I'm 24 but still feel a bit bereft. Don't expect a relationship to cure your loneliness. If you feel lonely without one, you'll most likely feel lonely with one. Something inside of you is broken. It's perfectly fine to want a perfect man, but just realize that that is a scare resource. The type of man you want can choose from whomever he likes, and most likely is not going to settle down in his early twenties. Being pumped and dumped is what you have to keep looking forward too whist continuing the search for the "dominant, confident" man. It's just the nature of the beast. Good luck. Edited March 20, 2014 by endlessabyss
preraph Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Next time a man isn't treating you right, leave. Don't stay and have drama. And don't expect that this confidence boost is really changing you deep down in the self-esteem. I know what you mean as I've lost weight before, but confidence is one thing and lack of self-esteem runs deeper and is what makes you attract the mean guys. So slow down and do not get in a hurry. First concentrate on finding work. That accomplishment will help you even more with confidence. You must know that you can stand on your own and take care of yourself or you will NEVER be secure enough not to settle for less than great treatment.
Author thecrucible Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 Next time a man isn't treating you right, leave. Don't stay and have drama. And don't expect that this confidence boost is really changing you deep down in the self-esteem. I know what you mean as I've lost weight before, but confidence is one thing and lack of self-esteem runs deeper and is what makes you attract the mean guys. So slow down and do not get in a hurry. First concentrate on finding work. That accomplishment will help you even more with confidence. You must know that you can stand on your own and take care of yourself or you will NEVER be secure enough not to settle for less than great treatment. Yes I definitely need to do that. All I know is that my way of choosing men is totally twisted. I need to look at their personality first and then decide about looks, and not just see a good looking guy and then try and fit a square peg into a round hole.
Babolat Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Men have evolved to sow their seeds wherever they can. Which is also understandable. Though I understand your point/message, I respectfully disagree. I'm an attractive, fit, educated, social, well versed, great catch, "HOT" male, 47, and I have plenty of opportunities to sow my seeds, but I don't. I exercise, wait for it........control. I've dated the hotties, I've dated the average looking woman. I have never felt "I could do better" in finding a more attractive woman. I understand the sociology point of view, and I agree with it at some levels. But to generalize it, I disagree. Men, and woman, can control themselves. 1
Babolat Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 I can' t get over my attraction towards dominant confident men. There is a difference between dominant, confidence, and abuse.
Babolat Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Wow. Bitter, much? OP, the problem here is that a relationship is a be all and end all. If you're unemployed, a job should be your focus right now. Fix that, worry about dating later. Agreed. A woman I have been chatting with on OLD just announced she is getting laid off at the end of this month. I asked her, is now the time for you to be starting a serious relationship?
Babolat Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Thanks David87, Maybe that's it. I'm trying to control things too much. I'm trying too hard to find it. My friends also say that I have tendency to go for guys who maintain a bit of mystery/aren't that emotionally available to me, because I get scared whenever I get close to someone. For some reason, I'd rather a guy took his time to be into me than like me straight away - like the idea that he's figuring me out as much as I'm figuring him out. I don't know what's wrong with me. This guy I've been on several dates with - he came up to me and told me I'm the most beautiful woman he's ever met, then asked me on a date and he is forever telling me how nice I am. I just don't. see myself that way. I should like him but I don't. Ahh. :/ Work on yourself first, then, you will attract the right man,
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