How long until No Contact starts working?

[4everalones]

It's been almost 3 months post breakup, and almost 2 months no contact, and I feel worse as time passes. I still cry everyday, I still think of him constantly 24/7 (I didn't even know that was possible). I keep myself busy, I workout everyday, I go out with friends, I see a therapist, I work hard, I read self-help books. What else is there to do? How long would it take to start feeling better? People said that it takes a few weeks to feel a bit better, but I only feel worse after 3 months. The pain is not going away or diminishing, and the hope of reconciliation is still very strong and vivid! I miss him more and more every day. I drag myself out of bed every morning and force myself to be active, but he's in the back of my mind all the time. I have dreams/nightmare about him every single night. I feel like I'm going insane. I can't enjoy anything in life anymore

 

Now I am doubting that NC works for everyone. It feels like a self-inflicted torture. I have removed all physical ties to my ex, but the emotional ties are stronger than ever. I feel like I love him more everyday in NC instead of letting go.

[lamis]

I know it is hard and painful right now, but I think it really will get better if you keep to it.

 

 

Ask yourself this: Would the pain be any better if you WEREN'T doing any NC? I am fairly sure that the answer is no. The pain would probably be the same at best, and would last longer. I would say keep seeing your therapist, and maybe ask them about cognitive behavioral therapy if you haven't already, as that can help you to think less about him.

[pickflicker]

This is why NC is such a mindf***. You think it's a load of baloney because you're withdrawing from the drug that is your ex. You want to quickly reach out, because like taking another hit, it'll temporarily ease the pain.

 

You have to keep at it. It doesn't have a timeline. It does get better though.

[David87]

NC will start to work when you wont be thinking about doing nc. Instead focus on something else, like improving yourself.

 

Change the things that made the relationship fail for example. It could take from a couple of months to a couple of years, it depends if you're ready to let go or not.

[4everalones]

NC will start to work when you wont be thinking about doing nc. Instead focus on something else, like improving yourself

 

Not sure what that means!! I am improving myself by working out, volunteering, reading self-help books about codependency, volunteering, etc. It doesn't stop me from thinking about my ex all the time though.

 

Change the things that made the relationship fail for example. It could take from a couple of months to a couple of years, it depends if you're ready to let go or not.

 

There isn't much I can change here. The relationship failed because I lost my job and had to leave the country, and it's very hard for me to go back due to visa restrictions (I was working in a foreign country, and that's when I met my ex). My ex also lost his job and got depressed. He was not willing to pursue an intercontinental relationship. The relationship was very good, healthy, and happy. Only external factors lead to the breakup!

[4everalones]

You think it's a load of baloney because you're withdrawing from the drug that is your ex.

 

 

After 3 months, and no progress at all, NC does feel like a load of baloney. I would have expected some sort of progress after so many weeks, especially that I am in a completely new environment with no physical reminders at all.

 

Maybe NC isn't a "one size fits all" after all. The breakup was rather amicable and we both still loved each other when we broke up. In addition to missing my ex and wanting him back, I carry this additional guilt of cutting a good person out of my life for no good reason (at least that's how he sees it).

[David87]

Not sure what that means!! I am improving myself by working out, volunteering, reading self-help books about codependency, volunteering, etc. It doesn't stop me from thinking about my ex all the time though.

 

 

 

There isn't much I can change here. The relationship failed because I lost my job and had to leave the country, and it's very hard for me to go back due to visa restrictions (I was working in a foreign country, and that's when I met my ex). My ex also lost his job and got depressed. He was not willing to pursue an intercontinental relationship. The relationship was very good, healthy, and happy. Only external factors lead to the breakup!

 

This means it was never meant to be. You have to learn to live with your losses.

 

I know how hard that is but it's something we all have to do at some point in our lives.

 

Have you tried to date again? That worked for me.

[TaraMaiden]

You're going think this a weird question, but think before you answer:

 

How much do you really, really want to let go of him?

 

On a scale of 1 - 100 (one being very little, 100 being a whole lot) where would you put yourself on the "I want to get over him" scale....?

[4everalones]

You're going think this a weird question, but think before you answer:

 

How much do you really, really want to let go of him?

 

On a scale of 1 - 100 (one being very little, 100 being a whole lot) where would you put yourself on the "I want to get over him" scale....?

 

 

I don't want to be in pain every day. I really really really do want to get over him, and I took every step necessary to do so. I have the caliguy NC guide printed and pinned by my bed, I have read a lot of books about breakups, self-esteem, codependency, etc. I keep myself busy every single day, and I push myself too hard to let go. God only knows how HARD and miserable this 2 months of No Contact were. I wouldn't have kept NC going if I didn't want to get over him that bad. I know he'll respond on the spot if I message him with no attitude or mind games, but I still restrict myself.

 

So to answer your question, I guess I would be an 80, simply because I still have some hope.

 

When I first posted here, everyone told me it was normal to have hope, and I'll be able to let go of it in a few weeks if I followed NC strictly. Unfortunately, this really didn't change much for me! It's not a one-size-fits-all kind of strategy.

Edited March 19, 2014 by 4everalones

[TaraMaiden]

Thank you for your candour.

In that case, you need to be congratulating yourself, because I have asked that question before and others have come back with a far less reassuring total.

 

Ok:

Take a good, long hard look at that 20.

 

What is the purpose?

how futile is it?

Why do you have hope?

What is it doing to you?

 

See, there's a saying in Chinese Lore that says "Men are 99% power and 1% spirituality, and women are 1% power and 99% spirituality. But it takes women as much effort to conquer that 1% as it does for men to conquer their 99%."

 

That final 20 may take as much effort - if not more, to overcome this malaise you feel, as you expended on the 80.

But don' think on how far you have yet to go: Consider just how far you have come!

 

However, it's that irksome 20, that is holding you back.

[Kevin_D]

There is no magical cure for getting over someone. In a sense NC has the opposite effect on me as well. As I gain more perspetive, I realise more and more how great our relationship was compared to most others. But everytime I hear for her, I get reminded that the person I love doens't (currently) exist.

 

Don't get me wrong. Contacting your ex will often put you back on square one. Some people seem to have this "out of sight -> out of mind"-mentality, but I've realised now that they never really cared about their exes. They break NC to fill the void. But if they stick with NC, they will eventually fill the void with something else and move on.

 

But I don't function like that, and neither do you.

 

Personally I'm disgusted by comments like "You'll find someone better". I realise these words are meant to be encouraging, but they're really just reducing people to objects. People who can forget their ex just because they happen to find someone "better", don't understand love.

 

If you are an emotional human being, you will never get over your ex. Nothing can replace him. NOTHING. He will linger in your mind until they day you die. Why? Because you cared about HIM.

 

This is no different from a kid losing his parents in a car accident. He/she might like his foster parents and come to accept the fact that his real parents are gone forever, but yet he/she will miss them for the rest of his/her life.

 

But NC is important because it prevents you from getting information you don't want to get. I responded to a quick message me ex sent me, and she immediately took the chance to tell me how happy she is right now. You'd want to avoid this at all costs. But if you really love him, NC will never help you get over him. I still think about my previous girlfriend every day, even though we haven't spoken in 7 years.

[4everalones]

Thank you for your candour.

In that case, you need to be congratulating yourself, because I have asked that question before and others have come back with a far less reassuring total.

 

Ok:

Take a good, long hard look at that 20.

 

What is the purpose?

how futile is it?

Why do you have hope?

What is it doing to you?

 

See, there's a saying in Chinese Lore that says "Men are 99% power and 1% spirituality, and women are 1% power and 99% spirituality. But it takes women as much effort to conquer that 1% as it does for men to conquer their 99%."

 

That final 20 may take as much effort - if not more, to overcome this malaise you feel, as you expended on the 80.

But don' think on how far you have yet to go: Consider just how far you have come!

 

However, it's that irksome 20, that is holding you back.

 

Tara, wanting to get over my ex and actually getting over him are two different things. I do want to get over him, and as stated before, I am taking every step possible to make that happen. Unfortunately, I am no where near being over the guy.

 

As for the hope, I am not sure why I'm still holding on. Maybe because it was the best relationship I had so far (no I am not idealizing it, I knew it was a great relationship while I was with my ex). There were no problems, no arguments, no one fell out of love, no one cheated, etc. It was good, it was healthy, it was happy. I curse circumstances everyday for separating us, but I still hope that by some miracle, things would change. The problem is that I know that circumstances won't change for the next few years, but the hope residues are still here. I don't know how to let go of it!

 

My conclusion is that No Contact works for dysfunctional relationships. When one of or both parties need to distance themselves to be able to see the fault in the relationship objectively. It works when there is cheating, lying, and manipulation involved. It works when one of the partners just fell out of love, or isn't happy with the relationship. No Contact works when there is something wrong with the relationship. But if the relationship ended because of external factors that are out of our control, and the people involved are still in love and happy, No Contact won't help that much.

[Minneloa]

It's been almost 3 months post breakup, and almost 2 months no contact, and I feel worse as time passes. I still cry everyday, I still think of him constantly 24/7 (I didn't even know that was possible). I keep myself busy, I workout everyday, I go out with friends, I see a therapist, I work hard, I read self-help books. What else is there to do? How long would it take to start feeling better? People said that it takes a few weeks to feel a bit better, but I only feel worse after 3 months. The pain is not going away or diminishing, and the hope of reconciliation is still very strong and vivid! I miss him more and more every day. I drag myself out of bed every morning and force myself to be active, but he's in the back of my mind all the time. I have dreams/nightmare about him every single night. I feel like I'm going insane. I can't enjoy anything in life anymore

 

Now I am doubting that NC works for everyone. It feels like a self-inflicted torture. I have removed all physical ties to my ex, but the emotional ties are stronger than ever. I feel like I love him more everyday in NC instead of letting go.

 

Hi 4ever,

 

First of all, I am sorry you are hurting. I looked at your previous threads to learn more about your story, and you posted on Feb. 22 that you were restarting NC. This means you have only a month of NC under your belt, which might help explain why you are struggling so much. Often, contact with one's ex (especially if it does not go well, like the meeting you described) can set a person back emotionally to the time of the breakup itself.

 

So, please have hope and patience. It's early days for you, and it makes sense that you would still be reeling from the hurt and rejection of that last meeting with your ex.

 

Sending good thoughts,

M.

[4everalones]

Hi 4ever,

 

First of all, I am sorry you are hurting. I looked at your previous threads to learn more about your story, and you posted on Feb. 22 that you were restarting NC. This means you have only a month of NC under your belt, which might help explain why you are struggling so much. Often, contact with one's ex (especially if it does not go well, like the meeting you described) can set a person back emotionally to the time of the breakup itself.

 

So, please have hope and patience. It's early days for you, and it makes sense that you would still be reeling from the hurt and rejection of that last meeting with your ex.

 

Sending good thoughts,

M.

 

Thanks Minneloa for taking the time to read my threads. I met my ex to say goodbye and he looked distant (that was the only set back of my No Contact, but otherwise, it was strict No Contact all the way). Of course, I came here to vent, and everybody told me to "take the hint", "that he doesn't love me", "that he never cared", etc.

 

Later on, I received an email from him, he had officially lost his job that day and was in a very bad position. He apologized, told me he cries every night, told me he's trying to find the money to come see me some day, told me how much he loved me, etc. Of course, I ignored the email because I was committed to No Contact. Now after so many weeks, I can see how wrong that was!

[Minneloa]

Thanks Minneloa for taking the time to read my threads. I met my ex to say goodbye and he looked distant (that was the only set back of my No Contact, but otherwise, it was strict No Contact all the way). Of course, I came here to vent, and everybody told me to "take the hint", "that he doesn't love me", "that he never cared", etc.

 

Later on, I received an email from him, he had officially lost his job that day and was in a very bad position. He apologized, told me he cries every night, told me he's trying to find the money to come see me some day, told me how much he loved me, etc. Of course, I ignored the email because I was committed to No Contact. Now after so many weeks, I can see how wrong that was!

 

4ever,

 

In terms of your frustration about the speed of your healing process, I think both this final meeting a month ago and the subsequent email could have set you back because they reactivated feelings, either of hurt/rejection or hope/love. In no way do I mean to be the arbiter of your NC; however, it does accumulate power over time and uninterrupted stretches. That's what I mean by early days--a month, in the big picture, is not a lot of time to recover from such a big loss. It sounds like you are doing all the "right" things to keep yourself active & distracted, and I hope you will start to feel better soon.

 

M.

[reddragon588]

As long as you want to get over him you will. It takes time. A broken leg doesn't heal over night why would a broken heart.

[Storm_Chaser]

NC will start to work when you wont be thinking about doing nc. Instead focus on something else, like improving yourself.

 

Change the things that made the relationship fail for example. It could take from a couple of months to a couple of years, it depends if you're ready to let go or not.

 

I agree with this.

 

I have been NC with my ex for nearly a month--today is day 20--and we've been broken up for a month and three days.

 

Now, I know the specifics because I just counted the days for the purpose of this post.

 

HOWEVER, I think you should stop counting days, if you are. I know when I first started NC I would use a lip liner pencil to tally the days on my bathroom mirror first thing in the morning. However, once I got to day 10, I thought, "How is NC going to help me if I'm OBSESSING over it?" All the tallying and keeping track was doing was making me think about him MORE, because I would think: Day 7, I bet he's missing me! Day 9, this is the day that he'll message me!

 

Of course, he's too busy with his new girlfriend (actually an old girlfriend that he lied to me about and ended up back with) to miss me any.

 

Don't get me wrong: he's a selfish ass. Once she does one thing to piss him off or she isn't stuck up his @ss (which she currently is, because she knows about me), he will message me. I have no doubt. Course, if I don't respond or if I don't respond in the manner he wants, he'll move on to someone else.

 

Because he's a player and a dick and has no character.

 

BUT, that's my situation.

 

For yours, I would suggest not thinking about NC, because it kind of defeats the whole purpose for doing it. Try going on dates, hanging out with friends, or just working on yourself.

 

The best revenge is success, so I'm told. So, love yourself and do all the things for yourself that you couldn't do, because you were too busy doing for him.

 

If you come back from NC better than you were before, he will rue the day he left you.

 

[HeartinPain]

I stopped counting after 10 weeks. I am now 4 months true NC. The first 2.5 months of NC were very difficult for me because it was during the holiday season. Once January hit, I was determined to have that fresh start and new outlook. Personally, keeping myself very busy helped immensely. After 3 months of NC, I suddenly woke up one day and felt refreshed and have not relapsed. The hardest part is accepting the break up, but once you are over that hump it really does get better.

 

An ex is an ex for a reason. Living well and successfully is the best revenge. Love yourself! Once I started to think more positively, so many wonderful things have happened for me. I have done so much more in the last 4 months single than I have done in the last 2 years with my ex.

 

I know people who come here are in a heartbroken state. Trust me, I was there too! The key is to really work on yourself. Life does not stop because your heart hurts. Take the time to grieve and then wake yourself up. My body was sooo tired from being sad for months that I had to snap out of it. Hopefully, you will eventually look back and feel embarrassed for pinning over someone who broke your heart. Someone capable of doing that did not respect you or love you enough to work it through.

[Simon Phoenix]

Thanks Minneloa for taking the time to read my threads. I met my ex to say goodbye and he looked distant (that was the only set back of my No Contact, but otherwise, it was strict No Contact all the way). Of course, I came here to vent, and everybody told me to "take the hint", "that he doesn't love me", "that he never cared", etc.

 

Later on, I received an email from him, he had officially lost his job that day and was in a very bad position. He apologized, told me he cries every night, told me he's trying to find the money to come see me some day, told me how much he loved me, etc. Of course, I ignored the email because I was committed to No Contact. Now after so many weeks, I can see how wrong that was!

 

So you've been in No Contact for less than a month then. You kind of left out a pretty important detail in your story. Once you met him to say goodbye, your NC clock reset to zero. That's why you don't break it. And f--k him for trying to get your sympathy after dumping you like he did. It was wrong of him to cry on your shoulder -- you were completely in the right to ignore it.

 

Anyway, it's not a linear process. There are ups and there are downs. But if you see it out and stop caving like you did last month, you'll reach that light at the end of the tunnel. And once you do, it is beautiful. But you have to actually stay in NC to do that.

[4everalones]

Once you met him to say goodbye, your NC clock reset to zero. That's why you don't break it.

 

I don't think one set back destroys all No Contact effort, that's sort of unreasonable. Also, according to your calculation, it's been one month of strict no contact, and there was zero progress! I would expect some sort of progress after 3 months of breakup (in which I talked to him about three times), and one month of strict no contact.

 

And f--k him for trying to get your sympathy after dumping you like he did. It was wrong of him to cry on your shoulder -- you were completely in the right to ignore it.

 

Wow, that's a bit harsh. I don't think anyone deserves that. I know that he's really suffering. I found this forum to talk to people and vent (which I'm really thankful for), but he really has no one to talk to about the breakup. We used to be best friends, now we're strangers

 

What I'm trying to say is that No Contact isn't the answer to every breakup situation. It certainly hasn't been working for me so far, and it hasn't worked for so many people here after months and months!

[Simon Phoenix]

I don't think one set back destroys all No Contact effort, that's sort of unreasonable. Also, according to your calculation, it's been one month of strict no contact, and there was zero progress! I would expect some sort of progress after 3 months of breakup (in which I talked to him about three times), and one month of strict no contact.

 

All No Contact is strict No Contact. There's no such thing as "non-strict" No Contact if you are doing it right. And yes, one setback does reset No Contact to zero. You've been in No Contact a month -- every time you broke it, you reset the clock. You might as well have been broken up for a month, not three. The recovery clock does not start until you stop communicating. If you continue to stick to No Contact and don't break it, you'll make progress. It will take time (months) but it will happen. You just have to stick to it -- it's not easy or painless, but it's the best method.

 

Wow, that's a bit harsh. I don't think anyone deserves that. I know that he's really suffering. I found this forum to talk to people and vent (which I'm really thankful for), but he really has no one to talk to about the breakup. We used to be best friends, now we're strangers

 

What I'm trying to say is that No Contact isn't the answer to every breakup situation. It certainly hasn't been working for me so far, and it hasn't worked for so many people here after months and months!

 

First of all, it's unreasonable of him to use you to get over the breakup with you that he initiated and it's absolutely destructive of you to allow him to do that (it's good that you haven't). I mean, he made the decision, it's up to him to live with the consequences of that decision. That's part of being an adult. He doesn't get to dump you then lean on you to try to make himself feel better about it. That's garbage. It sucks that he feels bad, but it's because of a decision he made.

 

As for your second part, it depends what you consider "worked". If you consider an instant recovery after a month of No Contact evidence that it "worked", then you are right, it doesn't work. But neither does anything else if those are your parameters. No Contact is not supposed to be easy or painless. It's supposed to be hard (as most things worth doing are). It's a hell of a lot more painless than the alternative of staying in contact. The "so many people" you reference where No Contact "hasn't worked" are multiplied by one hundred in both number and pain intensity with people who stay in contact with their ex and orbit them hoping they change their mind.

 

Recovery is not supposed to be quick and easy. If you want to take the lazy way out, feel free, but I guarantee it's going to make this process a lot more painful and take a lot more time than it needs to. If you stick with it and do the work, you will come out on the other side. Recovery comes in fits and starts and I guarantee you that while it doesn't feel like it right now, I bet you have made progress now from where you were a month ago. In a month you'll make progress and you'll continue. Just stick with it -- don't be lazy and don't be an addict looking for a fix. You might get the temporary high, but the low you feel will be even lower.

[Me. Myself and I]

This is why NC is such a mindf***. You think it's a load of baloney because you're withdrawing from the drug that is your ex. You want to quickly reach out, because like taking another hit, it'll temporarily ease the pain.

 

You have to keep at it. It doesn't have a timeline. It does get better though.

 

This is so very true.

I stayed in limited contact with my ex for my "hit"

This contact sent me crazy and in the end I was pestering him for answers. After doing this he gave me one. That was that he sees no chance of me being in his future ever.

[Natasha94]

Sounds like you're describing my state a few months ago. I used to drag myself out of bed, I was constantly annoyed by everything, never enjoyed anything, everything and I mean everything reminded me of him. I neglected all my priorities just because I could not focus on anything, I would cry myself to sleep every night!

Unlike you, I was not that strong, I couldn't keep no contact, he was always texting me from time to time asking how I'm doing and I used to think that this way he would see that I can still answer him, that I'm not that wounded by the BU and it would help me stop idealizing him.

But I mean you can't keep contact with someone you loved without having the subject to pop up from time to time. He would start apologizing, blaming himself, saying that his feelings are still there, that he's not as happy as he was with me (but never suggested us getting back together). And guess what? No matter how hard I knew that I don't want to believe him neither get back to him and blah-blah, a part of me always did. Each and every time! And do you know what hurts the most? It's that it's so easy for him to through a pile of lies at your face and totally forget about it the other day, he'd stop talking for a week or two, leaving me in a minor healing process for each and every time he did that. Recently - though whenever he talks to me, he still says the same old sh*t - I found out by coincidence that he is in a relationship! What a pathetic liar!

It took me about a year to start being able to enjoy things without having his memory in the back of my mind, but I seriously think that if I had went NC, I would have healed much faster. Don't break NC! Please! Or else you'll have to start the healing process for each and every time you two speak. It does get better. Trust me! I never thought I could -someday- feel this good after the break up after a whole year of tears! But it does and someday someone is going to prove to you why it didn't work out with that person!

Edited March 20, 2014 by Natasha94

[CaliGuy]

But if the relationship ended because of external factors that are out of our control, and the people involved are still in love and happy, No Contact won't help that much.

 

I haven't read your original message or why the relationship ended but if there are circumstances that are out of the control of both of you, then I can understand why things are hard.

 

In that case I don't have much advice to offer you other than saying if you feel you need to do no contact then do it. The only thing you're waiting for now is "time" to pass. There is no "instant" cure for breakups, none at all. All you can do is be kind and forgiving to yourself when you fail....

[TaraMaiden]

hello buddy!! How's tricks?

Thanks for posting!