sylviaguardian Posted January 27, 2005 Share Posted January 27, 2005 I will keep this short as I would appreciate any info/advice. Some of you know my story: my H had an emotional affair that went on for about a year and a half. We have been trying to deal with it ever since I found out on a family holiday last year. Last night, for no apparent reason, I awoke in the early hours, thinking about the holiday that we had gone on the previous year. My mind went into overdrive thinking about all the times my husband had run errands and was probably texting/phoning the other woman. All the time of course I thought we were enjoying a lovely family holiday together. Today I feel angry and resentful. To be honest sometimes I hate my H for what he did to me. I am grateful that it was only an emotional affair but the fact that it went on for so long makes me feel like a complete fool. I feel like nearly 2 years of my life have been stolen from me. Sometimes I think surely I deserve better than this. How do others cope with these feelings? Any input from people who have had affairs and what went through their minds might help too. Thanks, Sylvia Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 27, 2005 Share Posted January 27, 2005 Remind yourself that what you're thinking about is in the PAST. It's not happening NOW. What is your husband doing NOW? How is he acting NOW, how is he treating you NOW?? I have the same problem...and that's been my standard remedy. I have to keep in mind that yes, my wife did that, but she's not doing it NOW. She deeply regrets what she's done, she's working on ensuring it won't happen again, and she loves me. And she's where SHE wants to be NOW. Have I mentioned how the best thing you can do is try to let go of the past...and think about NOW?? Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted January 27, 2005 Share Posted January 27, 2005 Originally posted by Owl Remind yourself that what you're thinking about is in the PAST. It's not happening NOW. What is your husband doing NOW? How is he acting NOW, how is he treating you NOW?? Good advice. I think it also helps to remind yourself that you chose to forgive your spouse. You've made a committment to forgiveness, and you need to keep it. I had to clean-the-slate completely to get that done. So if it's in the past, and I already chose to forgive it, it's not fair for me to act out resentfully now. That's not to say that I never have "feelings" about it. But I have a talk with myself when I do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sylviaguardian Posted January 27, 2005 Author Share Posted January 27, 2005 You are so right both of you. NOW my husband is more attentive than he has been in years. Why do I keep doing this to myself........?This site is like a godsend to me, it really is. It really makes me get a grip and stop wallowing. Sylvia Link to post Share on other sites
emopunk Posted January 27, 2005 Share Posted January 27, 2005 Resentment is part of human nature. It will happen. How far you let it grow is up to you. But everyone has hit on the answer... People CAN change. You may never completely forget, but you do have to look at the Now of the situation and let new perspectives form. My friend and his wife are stronger now than ever after his indiscretions with another woman. But it takes a strong relationship... and strong people who are willing to work through it. Link to post Share on other sites
StrawberryGirl Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 I think everyone's advice here is good HOWEVER all of u r here because you don't let it go and resentment keeps you holding on. I know I am here for that reason, Because I can't let go of my whole situation and to this day I DWELL on all that has happened. Owl and Lady Jane you are all over this infidelity site for the reason of RESENTMENT!! Infidelity is constantly on your mind and this site is a constant reminder of what you went through All this site does is let us know that we are not alone in what our spouses have done or what we did to our spouses. It is easier said than done. Resentment brings us all back to this site!! Sylvia Guardian I'd like to give you some real good advice but all I can say is, it is ok to feel resentfu. I don't think anything out there can take it away, well maybe alot of prayer or hypnosis. Good luck to you though. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 Originally posted by StrawberryGirl Owl and Lady Jane you are all over this infidelity site for the reason of RESENTMENT!! Well, I can't speak for Owl, but I can tell you that in my case you are partially correct. There are really two reasons that I read and post here. The first is that in dealing with my own situation, and the resentment that was present both before and after the incident, I learned something pretty cool. And I just dig passing it on. The second thing I learned is NEVER to become complacent. This place is a great reminder not to make the mistake of under-priortizing my sweetie again. ....but all I can say is, it is ok to feel resentful. I don't think anything out there can take it away Nope. Resentment is a relationship killer. It's a destroyer of real intimacy. And each of us have the ability to control it. When we fail to do so....it controls us. Link to post Share on other sites
StillHurtin Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 Owl and ladyjane have given you great advice. I am also going to try to follow it too b/c I find myself thinking of the A my H had and still trying to find the answers why he did it. I know why, I just can't understand why. I find myself resenting the OW more than I do H. I know, it takes two, but she persued him first. He could of said no, I agree, but he did tell her no the first time she told him how she felt and kissed him (b4 H wanted the D or separation). We are taking it day by day and it gets easier. I am trying to live in the present and not the past. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 Interesting thought Strawberry. My thought would be that our definitions of RESENTMENT must be very different. RESENTMENT to me means that I'm still angry with someone over what happened. That I'm still seeking retribution from them for what they've done. That I've not forgiven them. In my case, I'm not still angry at my wife for what happened, nor am I seeking any "retribution" or repayment for what happened. I have forgiven her...in a lot of ways due to what I've learned on this board and in counseling. For me to forgive her, I had to learn what caused the situation in the first place. I've had to reach a point where I KNOW that it's over, and that she's doing everything possible from it restarting, or happening again. I have that now. There ARE still things I deal with however. I deal a lot with how I perceive myself after this event. I have a lot less self-confidence than I used to, and while I can't say I've ever had a huge ego, I've got to say that my self-esteem is pretty much shot at times. I often find myself thinking that there are a ton of things wrong with me that lead up to this... I would agree with you that I use this place as more of a crutch than I should...I've had that same thought the past few days, and have decided to cut back how much time I spend here, and how much advice I give. It's got nothing to do with resentment however...it's got to do with the fact that I'm still dealing with the personal pain of the affair...I'm not angry anymore...I'm just trying to heal. And with that said, I'll just say that I will see you all around. I'll still check in on the board occasionally, but want to try "standing on my own" for a while, instead of coming here. It is time that I try again to let the whole thing go. Good luck all, and thanks for being there when I needed you. Drop me a PM if you like occasionally, and when I check in, I'll send a heya back. Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetz Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 Originally posted by sylviaguardian This site is like a godsend to me, it really is. It really makes me get a grip and stop wallowing. Sylvia Amen Sistah! I couldnt agree with you more! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sylviaguardian Posted January 28, 2005 Author Share Posted January 28, 2005 Originally posted by Owl There ARE still things I deal with however. I deal a lot with how I perceive myself after this event. I have a lot less self-confidence than I used to, and while I can't say I've ever had a huge ego, I've got to say that my self-esteem is pretty much shot at times. I often find myself thinking that there are a ton of things wrong with me that lead up to this... Interesting post strawberry ...perhaps more truth in it than we care to admit. Owl, I have the same problem as above. Not only is my confidence shot to pieces, but I have lost my faith in people. I was hurt pretty bad in the past and thought my H was different. Now, I have to admit to not knowing who to trust anymore. I feel so cynical about relationships too. I read a post on the OW/OM board from KMT. It said that everytime she saw 'happy' couples on the beach with their children, she was thinking @I bet he's having an affair'. That's how I feel now. One small part of the reason why I didn't ask my H to leave is that I know there is no guarantee that the next person won't do the same. When people I know ask me about marriage I used to tell them to go for it, that it was a fantastic feeling being on the same team. At the moment I don't feel like I'm on anyone's team The upshot is, I suppose, that this has really shaken my world. I have decided to go and see about getting anti-depressants for a while because I can't go on like this. It struck me today that my younger child has a completely different mother to the fun one that his sister had and that's not his fault. Take care, thanks for the advice. Owl, I wish you the best. Even if being on the site isn't the best thing for you, you have still given me a hand in friendship in my worst moments and some very sage advice to boot. You are a strong person, you will make it. Sylvia Link to post Share on other sites
michelangelo Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 One trap a betrayed person gets into is in offering up their forgiveness before they were ready to do so. They do it in an attempt to make it true. But after awhile, they realize it is not so and then they are stuck. How to reel that foregiveness back in and put it on the timeline of their recovery. By not addressing issues that you need satisfied before really forgiving infidelity, it leads to stewing about it and silent anger. Link to post Share on other sites
StrawberryGirl Posted January 29, 2005 Share Posted January 29, 2005 Owl Thank You for giving much appreciated advice and there is nothing wrong with YOU!! I agree breaks from this site can help you/us heal and move on a bit, instead of us dwelling and bringing back some resentment. Maybe instead of heading to this site we can take a walk in the park or on the beach if it is near by. definately drop back in because your advice is very helpful. I will be trying to stay away too! Sylviaguardian I wish that I could help more on resentment but the truth is I am learning to deal with my own resentment, you r not alone! Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted January 29, 2005 Share Posted January 29, 2005 Originally posted by michelangelo One trap a betrayed person gets into is in offering up their forgiveness before they were ready to do so. They do it in an attempt to make it true. This is a really good point. I think the knee-jerk reaction to discovering an infidelity is to "fix" the relationship ASAP. When we offer forgiveness before we've really examined our feelings, we're just not able to truly and completely give it. Possibly feelings of resentment are an indicator that we haven't finished examining our own feelings, and that we are not yet ready to forgive. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 29, 2005 Share Posted January 29, 2005 You are so right both of you. NOW my husband is more attentive than he has been in years. Why do I keep doing this to myself........?This site is like a godsend to me, it really is. It really makes me get a grip and stop wallowing. Sylvia Controlling thoughts and letting go. When those thoughts start to invade you, DO something active to make your mind stop...Otherwise the mind has it's own agenda and then you will feel that emotional rollercoaster again. No point in going there and it is not fair to yourself to put you through that. OWL, I understand where you're coming from, afew others that I know have felt the same way about this place and I guess one gets to a point where reading and helping others becomes past theraputic for you and may be hindering your thoughts and/or making you dig up old emotions that you want to just put to bed (sorry, newspaper lingo lol) and move on. Gonna miss seeing your WISE words of advice my dear Owl! (Yeah, I'm waiting for that sucker punch, since YOU did say the next person who called ya WISE would get a black eye or two! ) Link to post Share on other sites
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