In shock

[ConfusedOne79]

First post, I'll try to keep this as brief as possible.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for 5 months and we're in a long distance relationship. We didn't have the easiest start and due to a few teething problems whilst getting to know each other, we've had a few ups and downs. The ups are amazing ups and we discuss our future together, marriage & babies. We're both in our 30's and have both been looking to settle down. We just clicked and we get on amazingly.

 

Our downs have been minor, I think. The odd disagreement or misunderstanding as a lot of our relationship has been via text due to busy work schedules. So its easy to mis-read something in a text!

 

I was informed by a friend that she had seen him on a dating site. I looked and it said he'd been online within the last 24 hours. I confronted him and he said he wasn't using it and had perhaps accidentally clicked on an email and it had showed him as being online.

 

He's completely addicted to his mobile phone. Facebook, WhatsApp, SnapChat etc. Whenever I leave the room, he's on it. I got really paranoid after the dating site thing and then I saw him become friends on facebook with his ex. I wasn't warned that this would be on my feed. He admitted they text a few times a week but just as friends. As my insecurities got worse, he suggested I seek help to sort myself out. That pissed me off at the time, but I made a huge effort to change my thinking and actions. After all this work, we had an amazing week (even though we were apart for it) and then a fantastic weekend together. I was thrilled, we were back on track.

 

Last night he said he needed to revise for a course he's on, so I left him to it. Later that evening, I get an email from a girl where she had cut & paste a conversation she'd had with him that evening (they've never met and only started chatting that night) and in this email he was overly flirty, told her he was interested in her, that his relationship with me was practically over and that we'd had a rough ride, the damage had been done etc etc.

 

I text him to basically say we're over, you can collect your stuff from a mutual friend. He called and we had a long chat where he said this was the only woman he had chatted to, he hadn't been going behind my back with others. Everything with us was so great and he'd finally met someone who could give him everything he wanted and it scared him that he would lose it. He was self sabotaging to protect himself. He felt alone where he lives as its not near me or his family, he feels left out on his course as everyone is much younger. He's apparently writing an email now to explain everything fully.

 

I was in complete shock last night, really wasn't expecting this. Now I don't know what to think! He was all ready to leave me for this girl he'd never met, said he thought she could be the lady of his dreams. All the awful things he said about me in that email will haunt me.

 

Can we rebuild the trust? Can we get back to how we were? He said he's going to get counselling as he knows his mind is messed up. But after everything he admitted to this girl, I'm worried he'll end it anyway. I love him and I want this to work, but right now I can't see how we can work our way out of this?

 

Any advice?

[thinkingofhim]

You've only been dating 5 months AND you're long distance, it isn't worth it to try and salvage this relationship. Just break up.

[David87]

Can we rebuild the trust? No because too much damage has been done.

 

Can we get back to how we were? No because of the trust issue.

 

He said he's going to get counselling as he knows his mind is messed up. But after everything he admitted to this girl, I'm worried he'll end it anyway. I love him and I want this to work, but right now I can't see how we can work our way out of this? - There's nothing to work on unfortunately.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you but what's done is done. To many red flags, the long distance, the dating profile, the ex girlfriend, the FB and whatsapp thing. Just forget about him. I know it's hard.

[Leigh 87]

It is not worth it darling.

 

It just isn't.

 

5 months in, no kids, no joint assets.... Why forgive him?

 

He lied. He talked to other women online. She may not have been the only one.

Good on her for notifying you. She has morals and is too good for the likes of your scumbag boyfriend anyways.

Take the high road like she has. Show him the door.

 

There is a man out there who will be crazy about you and he simply won't feel the need to go elsewhere to even entertain the idea of other women.

You deserve whatever happens to you if you stay. You are, quiet simple; crazy if you stay with him. Naïve and stupid.

Please wake up to yourself and don't accept lies. I did, I am no longer stupid when it comes to men and their

 

 

 

 

I forgave my ex for doing the EXACT same thing as this guy did to you. HE ended up leaving ME, and not the other way around:sick:

This ex is now with a girl he is crazy about and would never dare cheat on online with other women.

If your guy was truly head over heels for you he would simply not do as he is currently doing.

 

 

 

Please leave. Things will get better soon:) You will soon start to feel better and realise breaking up is not the end of the world.

[Leigh 87]

Pro's of dating a guy who never betrays your trust

 

- you "just know" in your gut that things are "right"

- you NEVER really question where he is, what he is doing...

- you would be extremely shocked if he DID cheat; it would be something you didn't expect of him.

- you will feel safer and secure (and feel far less so when dating a prior cheater)

- you will have little to no doubt that he is crazy about you and that you're the only woman he has ever had eyes for.

 

Pro's of dating a guy who has cheated on you before

 

- none.

- in like 1% of the cases, the guy IS madly in love with you and therefore he cheated online with you due to personality issues, that can only be resolved through intensive therapy.

 

CONS of dating a cheater

 

- you never feel totally secure, nothing compared to how secure you feel with a NON CHEATER.

- you are never totally at ease with the fact you're the only woman on his mind, from the moment you met:sick:

- it is never the same again even if it is non physical cheating

 

^^^^^^^ SEE.

 

 

 

...Virtually NO man can be truly head over heels, crazy in love with a woman AND CHEAT..

 

ONLY can a man be genuinely smitten with a woman and GENUINELY in love yet still cheat, is if the man in question has a serious personality disorder, and therefore he loves you as much as HE CAN love another woman in a romantic sense, but HIS version of love is more shallow than that of a healthy individual.

AND some people are programmed to be poly/NOT monogamous.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So. Your options are:

 

- this guy thought you were really hot and thought you were a cool girl to settle down with but isn't head over heels, madly in love with you; and has the capability to be with the right women

 

- this guy IS in love with you as much as he can be, yet suffers from some personality defect or disorder, such as borderline personality disorder.

 

- the guy IS in love with you, madly do for him as much as he can get with ANY woman on the planet, yet he is wired to be poly and not remain for life with one partner.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Great options! There is zero chance that this man is a healthy, well balanced and decent individual who is MADLY in love with you and yet cheated on you!

[ConfusedOne79]

Wow, amazing response thank you! I really wanted honesty and I got it!

[TaraMaiden]

First post, I'll try to keep this as brief as possible.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for 5 months and we're in a long distance relationship. We didn't have the easiest start and due to a few teething problems whilst getting to know each other, we've had a few ups and downs. The ups are amazing ups and we discuss our future together, marriage & babies. We're both in our 30's and have both been looking to settle down. We just clicked and we get on amazingly.

 

Our downs have been minor, I think. The odd disagreement or misunderstanding as a lot of our relationship has been via text due to busy work schedules. So its easy to mis-read something in a text!

 

I was informed by a friend that she had seen him on a dating site. I looked and it said he'd been online within the last 24 hours. I confronted him and he said he wasn't using it and had perhaps accidentally clicked on an email and it had showed him as being online.

 

He's completely addicted to his mobile phone. Facebook, WhatsApp, SnapChat etc. Whenever I leave the room, he's on it. I got really paranoid after the dating site thing and then I saw him become friends on facebook with his ex. I wasn't warned that this would be on my feed. He admitted they text a few times a week but just as friends. As my insecurities got worse, he suggested I seek help to sort myself out. That pissed me off at the time, but I made a huge effort to change my thinking and actions. After all this work, we had an amazing week (even though we were apart for it) and then a fantastic weekend together. I was thrilled, we were back on track.

 

Last night he said he needed to revise for a course he's on, so I left him to it. Later that evening, I get an email from a girl where she had cut & paste a conversation she'd had with him that evening (they've never met and only started chatting that night) and in this email he was overly flirty, told her he was interested in her, that his relationship with me was practically over and that we'd had a rough ride, the damage had been done etc etc.

 

I text him to basically say we're over, you can collect your stuff from a mutual friend. He called and we had a long chat where he said this was the only woman he had chatted to, he hadn't been going behind my back with others. Everything with us was so great and he'd finally met someone who could give him everything he wanted and it scared him that he would lose it. He was self sabotaging to protect himself. He felt alone where he lives as its not near me or his family, he feels left out on his course as everyone is much younger. He's apparently writing an email now to explain everything fully.

 

I was in complete shock last night, really wasn't expecting this. Now I don't know what to think! He was all ready to leave me for this girl he'd never met, said he thought she could be the lady of his dreams. All the awful things he said about me in that email will haunt me.

 

Can we rebuild the trust? Can we get back to how we were? He said he's going to get counselling as he knows his mind is messed up. But after everything he admitted to this girl, I'm worried he'll end it anyway. I love him and I want this to work, but right now I can't see how we can work our way out of this?

 

Any advice?

Yes.

He's gaslighting.

Putting up all manner of excuses - including that you need therapy - to deflect criticism of the fact that he's a two-timing lying jerk.

He won't take responsibility for his actions, but chooses to find and propose lots of reasons, excuses and rationale as to why he's actually a great catch (loves you a million, feels insecure without you, you're the best thing that ever happened to him, self-protecting....) and why you should stick with him.

 

I've never heard of anyone being as 'in love' as he protests he is, saying things like that to another woman, on-line.

 

Honey - no.

Finish this.

No Trust, abysmal level of honest Communication and a total lack of Respect for you on his part.

If he's such a great catch, let someone else hook him.

[Leigh 87]

Oh I have another lovely thought!

 

 

Some people are just bad people. They lack empathy. they are sociopaths or close to it.

 

They can love to their fullest yet still cheat.

 

Just another lovely option for you to ponder.

 

(remember, there is no chance he is normal, decent and healthy and madly in love with you, as people in that predicament DO NOT CHEAT on the woman they feel is the "love of their lives")

 

 

Sorry:(

 

If it helps, I am well over my ex who did the same to me and I was living with him for over 2 years and had 4 dogs with him.

 

It gets better.

I am SO much happier with a new guy who has never cheated and I doubt ever would.

[Leigh 87]

Wow, amazing response thank you! I really wanted honesty and I got it!

 

 

I got honesty about my ex.

 

I didn't listen.

 

I wasted years and HE was the one who left ME.

 

Please don't make the same mistake I did.

 

Take care. It will be okay, you will live and feel better about it soon (the break up).

[Leigh 87]

And last thing,

 

 

This man is NO prize.

 

 

Even if he is to find a woman he is genuinely in love with and he never cheats on, the woman in question is STILL with a lying, bad person who is selfish and just isn't a good guy.

 

Would you like to date a guy who was nice as pie to you, but who treated others like crap?

 

I would be disgusted if I found out my boyfriend had behaved like this to a previous girl:sick:

 

It is not likely that he will suddenly "change" anyway, and treat the next girl/girls like a princess in all aspects.

 

 

 

 

Jerks are usually jerks.

[ConfusedOne79]

Would you like to date a guy who was nice as pie to you, but who treated others like crap?

 

That makes a lot of sense to me! When we've spoken about his previous relationships there was one girl he dated for a few months and then he met someone else. He said he didn't cheat on his then girlfriend, he ended it and started going out with this new girl. That didn't last either!

 

As well as shock, I feel betrayed and embarrassed. Although not everyone needs to know what really happened, I still feel like an ass for putting my trust in someone.

 

Still waiting for this explanation email he's going to send! Might cut & paste a few of the good bits for you guys to chuckle over

[Allumere]

Run. Run away fast as you can. This is just the beginning and will only get worse. NOT WORTH ONE MORE MINUTE OF YOUR TIME. There is NO explanation, just excuses. He is only apologizing cause he got busted. He is a LOSER. Do you hear me, a LOSER! Oh, and I'll add coward too. Move on chica as this fish started floating awhile ago.

[David87]

Run. Run away fast as you can. This is just the beginning and will only get worse. NOT WORTH ONE MORE MINUTE OF YOUR TIME. There is NO explanation, just excuses. He is only apologizing cause he got busted. He is a LOSER. Do you hear me, a LOSER! Oh, and I'll add coward too. Move on chica as this fish started floating awhile ago.

 

O it seems I was too gentle with this douchebag. Block him on everything, your phone, FB, skype etc.

[Allumere]

O it seems I was too gentle with this douchebag. Block him on everything, your phone, FB, skype etc.

 

No coffee = No filters LOL (and it is a scenario I experienced long ago..epic fail let me tell ya)

[ExpatInItaly]

Be done with this clown. He's a dishonest jerk and he's gas-lighting you like hell to deflect his guilt. You can't get it back to where it was because that's only what you thought it was. What you're seeing now is the real deal.Unfortunately, there's a very real possibility that this isn't the only woman he's been in secret contact with. You're only just discovering this now. Be thankful you discovered him for who he really is relatively early on. Run like the wind and don't look back!

[jen_r]

Why are you even considering fixing this relationship? I would be out of that situation in a second. And with it being long distance, pfft, makes it so much easier. He's not worth your time.