Any chance I should send XMOW this email?

[Jllbcb]

My OW was same way. That's why it was always on again, off again. But, since we were best friends and had other areas of interest that kept us together - we could turn on the platonic friendship and go back to that at anytime. We had always promised each other that no matter what, we would remain friends. We never got mad at each other either and talked everyday. It was bound to work out in the end - and it has.

 

But, since you are married, the email doesn't come off quite as weak. However, I still would drop the validations. Don't you agree?

 

I'm not going to send it. I agree with all the

Other posters. Weak and spineless

[Jllbcb]

What is your best case scenario if you sent this message?

 

If I'm Honest I would like to see her again. We worked

Together in seperate sales territories-650 miles from

Each other. We met up on a long weekend a couple of times

And there were a few sales meetings but mostly just

Long phone calls. Every single day. Multiple

Times a day. She really was my best friend

We shared everything. But yes. I get your point

It won't change anything

[Jllbcb]

You need to be kind to yourself, she appears to be doing ok on her own but then again she might be masking her true feelings as well. Im soo hearing your feelings for her in your email but maybe you just need to express yourself and get a negative reply from her so you can move on?

I think you have idealized your relationship and because you're apart now, it has strengthened your feelings/need for her. You guys are already doing fine, you have chosen to return to your individual lives so you have chosen your path. You need to stick to it. If she has changed her mind, wouldnt she have contacted you by now?

 

Yes. She would have contacted me by now. She has an amazing

Ability to be both hot and cold. And when she's

Cold it is ice cold. I'm not sure i idealized

It. But she seems to be doing fine. Not a care

In the world. And that frustrates me. Like she never

Cared.

[ZMM]

She's probably masking her feelings. Its hard to break through that. I know. You probably know if its worth going for. If you would rather be with ow than w. Sounds like you have conceded that it's over.

[yellowmaverick]

For my part -

Weedy, spineless, desperate, needy, clingy, doormat-like behaviour, desperate, unnecessary, needy and desperate.

 

I think that covers it.

 

^^This!! The desperation is just seeping through. Seriously, I cringed when I read it. If she really doesn't miss you, you surely don't want her sharing this with anyone else.

 

You were in an affair with her for only one year. That is barely enough time to even begin to know someone. Don't you think this is a little over the top?

[herself]

I think she will alwsys love you and miss you but she probably feels free from the constant worry and guilt. Its ok for it to be taking you a long time to recover from.

Just because she HAD to choose to do the right thing, doesnt mean at the time it was all meaningless. She cant try to get her footing back and her focus to her marriage vows back while still speaking to you.

 

I had an EA and this guilt he had caused the end and he was stone cold & silent.

Months later he was able to speak & explain he had to break the cycle and let time go by in order for there to be any hope of being simple friends.

 

Its not ideal for you, or any of us cause you feel robbed and disposed of like trash. But i think she is being cruel to be kind....she hated the double life, loved you, loved her husband and felt peace and getting a clean break were right for her.

 

She still loves you but she can't do it. It will have to be at a distance now and her poker face is on.

 

Be ththankful you shared that time, and allow more time for healing. Your going to be ok. Its the stages of greif.

 

Try a job search too for a new fresh start. Sorry for your loss and psin, i know it WELL.

[Realist3]

Yeah - you can post it here as often as you like.

But for god's sake, in all that is holy, don't EVER think of SENDING it to her!!

 

^ This x eleventy billion.

[HermioneG]

For my part -

Weedy, spineless, desperate, needy, clingy, doormat-like behaviour, desperate, unnecessary, needy and desperate.

 

I think that covers it.

 

That is exactly what I thought as I read it. Yucky!

[Jllbcb]

^^This!! The desperation is just seeping through. Seriously, I cringed when I read it. If she really doesn't miss you, you surely don't want her sharing this with anyone else.

 

You were in an affair with her for only one year. That is barely enough time to even begin to know someone. Don't you think this is a little over the top?

 

No. I really don't. A year is a long time. The entire thing was

More like 14-15 months when you factor in everything

When you spend 2-3 hours per day, hundreds of

Phone calls and thousands of texts. I do know

Her. Not sure what your standards are but I would

Love to know. I've had much longer relationships

Where I didn't know the person even nearly as much

 

Tell me. Would love to know since you judge so

Harshly....

[PurpleCardigan]

I'm of the mindset that you should say what you want to say...as long as you can live with the consequences. Meaning if this last "what if" is hanging out there for you; then I'd encourage you to send it or something like it. Just be prepared to not get a response, get mixed messages, or something else and know that it will hurt like h*ll no matter the outcome.

 

Speaking as an xOW...if my xMM was thinking this I'd want to know. It would validate that I wasn't used like some piece of trash. I actually had a conversation with him about this (why is this not backing up on you...why do you seem so calm) and he said that he was torn up on the inside but was staying married for his kid. I accept the fact that I'll never know what was true and what wasn't. All I know is what I felt in my heart for him -- that's what I hold onto but also want to fade so that I can love again.

 

Think about your email, re-write it if you want to so that it sends the message that you want to send and if you think you can live with the consequences both good and bad and the emotional pain (but will that be worse then what you are feeling now?), then send it. Or if you'd rather feel the current pain but not rock the boat, then don't reach out.

 

This comes from someone who was in a relationship with a married man and not a BS or helpful do-gooder on the board who may not realize what you are feeling/processing. (Yeah, I'm gonna get flamed for that.)

[beach]

Why not focus on feeling THAT close to your wife?

[Jllbcb]

Why not focus on feeling THAT close to your wife?

 

Have tried. Been in IC. And continue to try

But these feelings come over me in waves

[Jllbcb]

I'm of the mindset that you should say what you want to say...as long as you can live with the consequences. Meaning if this last "what if" is hanging out there for you; then I'd encourage you to send it or something like it. Just be prepared to not get a response, get mixed messages, or something else and know that it will hurt like h*ll no matter the outcome.

 

Speaking as an xOW...if my xMM was thinking this I'd want to know. It would validate that I wasn't used like some piece of trash. I actually had a conversation with him about this (why is this not backing up on you...why do you seem so calm) and he said that he was torn up on the inside but was staying married for his kid. I accept the fact that I'll never know what was true and what wasn't. All I know is what I felt in my heart for him -- that's what I hold onto but also want to fade so that I can love again.

 

Think about your email, re-write it if you want to so that it sends the message that you want to send and if you think you can live with the consequences both good and bad and the emotional pain (but will that be worse then what you are feeling now?), then send it. Or if you'd rather feel the current pain but not rock the boat, then don't reach out.

 

This comes from someone who was in a relationship with a married man and not a BS or helpful do-gooder on the board who may not realize what you are feeling/processing. (Yeah, I'm gonna get flamed for that.)

 

Thank you Purple cardigan. That was very helpful.

I agree that this is not a good idea. But I also

Want to put it out there how I feel one last time

NC is just such a bitch sometimes

[yellowmaverick]

No. I really don't. A year is a long time. The entire thing was

More like 14-15 months when you factor in everything

When you spend 2-3 hours per day, hundreds of

Phone calls and thousands of texts. I do know

Her. Not sure what your standards are but I would

Love to know. I've had much longer relationships

Where I didn't know the person even nearly as much

 

Tell me. Would love to know since you judge so

Harshly....

 

Of course it was over the top. That's what every other poster has been telling you. I believe that you think you know her, but you know her in a very limited context. Long distance phone calls and texts are not the same as having a in-person real relationship. Many other APs on this site have attested to that, once they have had a chance to step back and recover.

 

If you truly believe that you and she saw the relationship the same, then send the email.

[ZMM]

I'm of the mindset that you should say what you want to say...as long as you can live with the consequences. Meaning if this last "what if" is hanging out there for you; then I'd encourage you to send it or something like it. Just be prepared to not get a response, get mixed messages, or something else and know that it will hurt like h*ll no matter the outcome.

 

Speaking as an xOW...if my xMM was thinking this I'd want to know. It would validate that I wasn't used like some piece of trash. I actually had a conversation with him about this (why is this not backing up on you...why do you seem so calm) and he said that he was torn up on the inside but was staying married for his kid. I accept the fact that I'll never know what was true and what wasn't. All I know is what I felt in my heart for him -- that's what I hold onto but also want to fade so that I can love again.

 

Think about your email, re-write it if you want to so that it sends the message that you want to send and if you think you can live with the consequences both good and bad and the emotional pain (but will that be worse then what you are feeling now?), then send it. Or if you'd rather feel the current pain but not rock the boat, then don't reach out.

 

This comes from someone who was in a relationship with a married man and not a BS or helpful do-gooder on the board who may not realize what you are feeling/processing. (Yeah, I'm gonna get flamed for that.)

 

Yes - if you feel you want to be with her - send her a well-thought out email. I would mainly tell her what you think. Ask her if she ever talked to someone everyday for 2 hours for an entire year. Has that ever happened in her entire life. And then point out how else you are compatible. That type of connection doesn't happen everyday. It really doesn't. So, if it means that much to you - give it your best shot. If it doesn't work, at least you know you tried. JMO

[Jllbcb]

Of course it was over the top. That's what every other poster has been telling you. I believe that you think you know her, but you know her in a very limited context. Long distance phone calls and texts are not the same as having a in-person real relationship. Many other APs on this site have attested to that, once they have had a chance to step back and recover.

 

If you truly believe that you and she saw the relationship the same, then send the email.

 

The email itself is a seperate issue. No one knows

My backstory that well of how the relationship played out

We did see each other on a limited basis but we did

Spend time together

 

I don't think we saw it the same. I think I was more invested

But that is true in most relationship breakups But we did say ILY multiple times

 

I Have appreciated everyone's advice on here. Except for yours. Do me a favor and dont comment again im not interested in your advice.

NC is difficult

For anyone that has been thru it. EAs and PA both take an emotional

Toll.

[KaliLove]

If you're going to start up with her again, at least do your wife the courtesy of letting her in on what kind of man she's married to first.

[Jllbcb]

Yes - if you feel you want to be with her - send her a well-thought out email. I would mainly tell her what you think. Ask her if she ever talked to someone everyday for 2 hours for an entire year. Has that ever happened in her entire life. And then point out how else you are compatible. That type of connection doesn't happen everyday. It really doesn't. So, if it means that much to you - give it your best shot. If it doesn't work, at least you know you tried. JMO

 

I totally believe this. The connection is rare

I really don't think it would make that much of a difference

And the other posters are right. I've reached out a

Couple times. Feel like she knows where I am and if she truly

Wanted to see me would seek me out

[Jllbcb]

If you're going to start up with her again, at least do your wife the courtesy of letting her in on what kind of man she's married to first.

 

I'm not starting up with her. But these feelings are

Real

[whichwayisup]

No. I really don't. A year is a long time. The entire thing was

More like 14-15 months when you factor in everything

When you spend 2-3 hours per day, hundreds of

Phone calls and thousands of texts. I do know

Her. Not sure what your standards are but I would

Love to know. I've had much longer relationships

Where I didn't know the person even nearly as much

 

Tell me. Would love to know since you judge so

Harshly....

 

But you only know her IN an affair setting. Based on lust, sex and feelings. Your affair IS/was just an affair, not a regular relationship. Sure you invested emotionally but seeing as you both are married, it wasn't like either of you were really gonna dump your spouses and family, then run off together ,right? You two had quite a hot/cold playing dynamic, the push pull thing, which is part of the thrill of an A, keeps one interested and on their toes.

 

Your A was unhealthy. re-read what you've written and ask yourself if you were really 'in love' with her or was it just about how she made you feel and the addictive feelings felt during the A.

 

Was she a true and good friend? Doubtful.

[PurpleCardigan]

I'm not starting up with her. But these feelings are

Real

 

So a question for you (and not to post an answer here)...what do you think will get you to closure? Based on your posts, you are not going to get it from her, you are going to have to find it in yourself. And yes, your feelings are very real and without an outlet, which makes it more challenging or overwhelming.

 

And know that I'm asking you that without a complete answer for myself. I believe that time, limiting contact, and continuing therapy will help me through the tough, anxiety-ridden, wave parts of it.

 

I hope for the best, for the both of us.

[Jllbcb]

So a question for you (and not to post an answer here)...what do you think will get you to closure? Based on your posts, you are not going to get it from her, you are going to have to find it in yourself. And yes, your feelings are very real and without an outlet, which makes it more challenging or overwhelming.

 

And know that I'm asking you that without a complete answer for myself. I believe that time, limiting contact, and continuing therapy will help me through the tough, anxiety-ridden, wave parts of it.

 

I hope for the best, for the both of us.

 

You know strangely I think this whole posting

Has really helped me step back and see how messed up

This was. I don't think I will ever get true closure

From her. She has shut it down. Probably long

Ago.

 

I'm not sure but I hope the best for both of us

My hope is that each wave is a little less bumpy

Until it is smooth sailing. I will say I never thought

It would take this long.... Ever

[Jllbcb]

But you only know her IN an affair setting. Based on lust, sex and feelings. Your affair IS/was just an affair, not a regular relationship. Sure you invested emotionally but seeing as you both are married, it wasn't like either of you were really gonna dump your spouses and family, then run off together ,right? You two had quite a hot/cold playing dynamic, the push pull thing, which is part of the thrill of an A, keeps one interested and on their toes.

 

Your A was unhealthy. re-read what you've written and ask yourself if you were really 'in love' with her or was it just about how she made you feel and the addictive feelings felt during the A.

 

Was she a true and good friend? Doubtful.

 

I think there is a lot of truth in this. But everything

Is not always black and white. Some is grey

 

I loved her. I have no doubt. Not sure ifs he ever

Really loved me.

 

We did have a long friendship beforehand so yes I considered it

Real. There was future faking however. It was unhealthy

I felt like I was constant and didnt participate in the

Push pull. While she definitely did. And I chalked that up to

Guilt.

 

Addictive feelings for sure. Too. But I think the love came before

The addictive feelings. Which were fed by her

Push/ pull.

 

I appreciate your point of view. Lots of valid

Arguments that- I have thought many of them

My self

[KaliLove]

How would your wife feel if she read this thread?

 

Not saying that to be mean, I'm truly wondering.

[greeneydgrl]

I'm new here, and surely can't compete with the likes of TaraMaiden. That said, I couldn't help respond. I am in the position of your OW. Only I've received the letter (nearly identical) many times. Calls, texts, smoke signals. I have been seen as cold hearted, no hearted, stone hearted, heart*less*, soul-less, uncaring, unfeeling, mean...and yes, HAPPY. REALLY HAPPY.

 

She's behaving like this because she does love you. Shares all of those same feelings you describe. She also loves her children, has caused her family AND HERSELF huge heartache, feels tremendous guilt, and wants to do the right thing. She's confused and struggles every day. She keeps smiling because that is what people have always expected of her. (She has had a beautiful life and NO ONE would have dreamt her capable of this.) She also keeps going, keeps smiling so that she doesn't COMPLETELY CRACK UP. This heartbreaking, devastating situation has stripped her of the fear of death.

The letter, send it or don't. As others have said, please don't hope for a positive response. She can't give you the closure you are looking for, that has to come from within. That's what she tells herself daily, anyway.

 

Jllbcb, my heart hurts for you. I hope you find some peace through it all. I have to believe it gets better.

Edited March 20, 2014 by greeneydgrl