DALIFAN Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 Hey! So my boyfriend and I have been official for about 4 months and we get a long really well. But there is one topic we disagree about. I'm a girl who needs a lot affection, words of affirmation, intimate touches. My boyfriend doesn't. We do hold hands and he is sweet with me (kisses on my forehead, cheeks..) BUT I feel like I still don't get enough intimacy. He is very peculiar about when he likes to have sex... only when he doesn't have to work the next morning, cause he doesn't like feeling stressed. I love making out, but he doesn't need it as much as I do. He says he has to be in the mood. I feel kind of rejected during those times. And he keeps on telling me that I shouldn't. That he loves me and these things have nothing to do with how much he loves me... He says for him intimacy is sitting on the couch, watching a movie, caressing my head, doing things together, holding hands while sleeping. But that isn't enough for me... I don't know how to find a compromise here... I don't want him to force being affectionate and I don't know how to be happy with less.. Advice? Thank you
Gaeta Posted March 19, 2014 Posted March 19, 2014 Well, dating is about *try outs*. You date and see if you are compatible, this one is not compatible with you on a very important subject so the right thing to do would be to let this one go and find one better suited to you. This is not a trivial issue, intimacy is the glue that holds everything together in a relationship. You will regret if you try to negotiate on that one this early in. He only wants sex when he doesn't work the following day! Seriously! That means you have sex only 2 days of the week!! ppfft!! I would not lay next to a man that would refuse me 5 days a week. 11
Michelle ma Belle Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Oh Lordy, this sounds a lot like my marriage (I'm now divorced ). Although I agree that intimacy comes in all forms, physical touch including sex is an important part. It's how couples connect on the most primal level. My best advice I have to offer is to read "The Five Love Languages" by Dr. Gary Chapman. Brilliant book in my humble opinion. It was recommended to me and my ex hubby when we were in marriage counselling as a means to better understand each other. The book outlines five ways to express and experience love that the author calls "love languages": They are gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch. The author argues that, emotionally, people need to receive love and that people should NOT use the love languages that they like the most but rather the love languages that their loved ones need. I'm not going to get into all the details about the book on here (although I could talk at great length about it) but will strongly suggest you BOTH take the time to read it and do the test to find out what your respective love languages are. Knowledge is power after all. Having said all of this, knowing this information does absolutely nothing in a relationship unless BOTH partners actually apply it and sincerely work at - I learned this the hard way Yes, it may feel a bit uncomfortable and/or awkward if your love languages are dramatically different but it has a lot of power if used correctly and sincerely. Finally, I will leave you with this last thought; a relationship, ANY relationship only works if BOTH people want it badly enough and that sometimes means we have to step outside our comfort zone and do things because we know that's what our partner wants and needs. Relationships are a give and take and about compromises. Selfishness has no place in a relationship. Good luck!
Phantom888 Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 You two are not compatible. Simple as that. You took a chance to see if you two are matches, and it doesn't appear to be so. There is no need to invest any more effort into this. It's a new relationship, so just cut your losses and move on. It's a learning experience so don't feel too badly. There is only ONE person who is compatible with your perfectly, and the rest are not. Just don't settle...and keep looking! 2
2sunny Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 If you're noticing now that you're not a good match for physical touch - imagine how you will feel in 10 or 20 years... I imagine you'll feel deprived of what you know you need... Maybe it's best if you search for a better match. Don't expect him to change who he is. 1
Gottabestrong Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Been there, done that. Two years later we broke up because he could not stand my 'constant nagging' about affection and intimacy and I could not stand being with a man who never seemed to be the one who initiated/wanted intimacy and affection. My advice would be to end it now. Understand that neither of you is wrong, you are just different and not compatible in this one very important aspect. It does not matter if he is the perfect boyfriend otherwise and you really love him, if this one aspect if off, you will not be as happy as you could/should be in a relationship like that. I know it seems like something minor, an issue you can work on, if you only stop taking it personally, but from my experience a thing like that does not go away. Sorry. I suggest you talk to him and suggest to break up. Oh, and just so you know, my current boyfriend is very affectionate, always wants to kiss me, hold my hand, hug me, etc. and if it was up to him we would have sex every evening and morning and don't leave the bed all day on weekends. So guys like him are out there, don't settle for less than you want! Good luck! 4
Ruby Slippers Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Accept it and stay, or accept that it's not working and leave. Stuff like this doesn't change much. And he's told you he expects you to deal with it as is. Like you, I want and need lots of affection and closeness to be happy with a man. Gotta have it, or I feel something big is missing. 2
pickflicker Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 Well, dating is about *try outs*. You date and see if you are compatible, this one is not compatible with you on a very important subject so the right thing to do would be to let this one go and find one better suited to you. This is not a trivial issue, intimacy is the glue that holds everything together in a relationship. You will regret if you try to negotiate on that one this early in. He only wants sex when he doesn't work the following day! Seriously! That means you have sex only 2 days of the week!! ppfft!! I would not lay next to a man that would refuse me 5 days a week. I have to agree. I'm a very demonstrative person with people I know well. If I'm not, it means I'm ultimately uncomfortable with the person. Sorry OP, but if I was getting these vibes from someone I was dating, I wouldn't stick around.
pickflicker Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 You two are not compatible. Simple as that. You took a chance to see if you two are matches, and it doesn't appear to be so. There is no need to invest any more effort into this. It's a new relationship, so just cut your losses and move on. It's a learning experience so don't feel too badly. There is only ONE person who is compatible with your perfectly, and the rest are not. Just don't settle...and keep looking! Rubbish. Sorry, but if that was the case, the majority of people looking for love need to give up now. Those odds stink - you're more likely to be struck by lightning while being eaten by a shark, at that rate. There are plenty of compatible people out there, it's all about getting out in the world and meeting them. Simple. 4
David87 Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 You two are not compatible. Simple as that. You took a chance to see if you two are matches, and it doesn't appear to be so. There is no need to invest any more effort into this. It's a new relationship, so just cut your losses and move on. It's a learning experience so don't feel too badly. There is only ONE person who is compatible with your perfectly, and the rest are not. Just don't settle...and keep looking! Not really, on the contrary, I don't think that there is some one out there that matches you 100 % but there are lots of them that are compatible 80% 90 % and that's a very good match in my eyes. Op if he can't change then leave him and find a boyfriend that is more compatible with you.
Leigh 87 Posted March 20, 2014 Posted March 20, 2014 This won't change. I am a little cuddle bunny and love cuddles and kisses. What sort of girl are you? I like lots of cuddles but I dislike over the top affection. I don't like to be smothered. Currently my needs are met but I always go to hug him because I am super greedy (like the cookie monster is for cookies). I am not affectionate with friends or family. Only lovers. He will tend to me enough with cuddles/kisses and I would be cool with just his initiations, but I still initiate lots more! I am satisfied with the amount he gives freely yet I will also initiate more when I yearn for it. My stand out thing I most enjoy about the current lover is how when we stand still at he traffic lights and wait to cross the street, he will pull me in close to him and hold me/hug me and kiss me while we wait. From my current knowledge on relationships (through reading on here and seeing/hearing other people speak about theirs in my real life) HERE is a list of the negative impacts a low affection guy can instigate. - lack of affection can cause one to long too much for it from a partner - when affection is lacking, the woman can hold on like dependant puppy, always striving to get his owners love and attention, never happy or satisfied - lack of affection takes an emotional toll and can be mentally draining on account of thinking about the lack of affection/how much you would prefer more affection. -you get bitter and resentful towards more affectionate couples -you can sometimes think it is JUST YOU that he isn't being affectionate towards, meaning that he will meet the "one" and suddenly shower HER with affection (this can sometimes me the case but in most cases, a truly affectionless guy will remain as such, irrespective of how MUCH he is into a girl) You get the picture^^^^^^^^^^ Why don't you start to brain storm the pros and cons of staying/leaving. given it's been mere months, it will still plain hurt to cut a person out of your life when they have previously been close, it always sucks, but listen' is it worth turning a blind eye NOW in order to avoid pain NOW really worth being FAR MORE HURT In the future, when you end up not being compatible? Is he really the love of your life? He is worth going without the affection you clearly prefer? 1
Author DALIFAN Posted March 20, 2014 Author Posted March 20, 2014 Thank you so much to everyone for "listening" to me. I really do appreciate it. I agree with the opinion that he won't change and that this will stay an issue in the future and that either I will have to accept it or cut my losses and leave. I tried explaining to him that we are different in the way we show our love and affection. I told him that it is no secret how I show my love, but that I don't quite understand how he shows me that he cares. He said "He's there for me. He will always take care of me.", which is wonderful I guess. But yes you guys are right. I started dating him 3 and half months after I broke up with my LTR of 3 years. I never had these problems with my ex, we were a perfect match on paper, but that is ON PAPER. We harmonized perfectly and we just got each other. BUT I never had the feelings for my ex that I have for my current boyfriend. I am way more in love with my current bf than I ever was with my boyfriend. But then again I don't think I will ever be able to actually love somebody as much as I learned to love my ex. Anyway thanks!! I do not however agree on the fact that there is only one match...
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