general reflections...

[JustAGirl]

Hi guys

 

this is not really about a relashionship/love... i am just looking at the way ppl treat other ppl... what exactly does fake mean?

 

B/c i basically see two types

 

One is when a person is like a chameleon - they act differently with diff. ppl (aside from acting differently with diff. sexes, o'course) - and they basically become a diff. person depending on who they're with.

 

E.g. i heard a girl who i know doesnt usually swear, swear pretty bad today. i was wondering why & it turned out the guy she was talking to is the swearing type... do u know what i mean?

 

Another type of people is someone who's generally always the same (+- mood-wise)... those simply stick to ppl they're compatible with, naturally.

 

Is that a correct way of putting it? I feel like i'm mis-seeing something maybe... I think it's great to be able to get _anyone_ to like u and be comfortable with u, but I never transform myself depending on the situation... or do I simply not notice that i do?

 

untwist me plz, somebody!

 

=)

 

thanx

[Tony T]

I have never met you so I really don't know exactly how you relate to different people. But you may have a better idea about yourself and you may be able to answer your own question about yourself after reading below.

 

One of the greatest desires of human beings is that for love and approval. The opposite, rejection, is the greatest fear men have...greater than death. In death, we are no longer aware but in rejection most suffer severely or, rather, choose to.

 

So with that out of the way, while the greatest number of people are genuine, they often mirror the people they're with. In some instances, this is called "mob psychology." People who are ordinarilly kind, gentle and law abiding can turn into looting, assaulting maniacs if in a group where all the members suddenly transform in that direction.

 

In a more civil setting, it's called "mirroring." People mirror other people, keeping their own differing opinions and ways to themselves, to appear much like the other person in order to establish a rapport. That's exactly what happens when we meet someone we like of the opposite sex. Surely, we don't want to show them we are a**h***s or bxtches right off the bat. (That is an extreme, but holds true for some). We want to initially show our best and give the appearance that we have lots of ideas and activities in common with the person we have met...thus we mirror their behavior and perceived beliefs. That's why so many people, later on, discover the person they are with "is not the person they used to be." The mirroring can't go on forever.

 

I think even the most stable of people relate to different people in different ways. We may appear quite formal and businesslike in a work setting, especially around a boss figure, yet we may be just a drunken good ole boy around our friends. In our neighborhood, we may appear reclusive and aloof to the people who live to the left of us and we may do lots of things together and be great friends with the people across the street. That's because we place a greater value on a relationship with the people across the street, whether they are more like us or whether they have recently won the lottery.

 

Some of it has to do with chemistry. But more of it has to do with just how much effort we want to put forth to begin or maintain a particular relationship. When the desire is strong, it is likely our behavior will be such that will follow strict guidelines we have perceived will be accepted by the other person. When that relationship is no longer needed or valued by us, we may be quite different. Anybody who has broken up with someone has seen that sort of thing in brilliant three dimension.

 

Human beings are not static, set in stone, organisms. They are pliant, adaptive, unpredicatable and mesh appropriately with whatever the circumstances are and the perceived value of a particular encounter or individual.

 

That doesn't make them fake, that just makes them them.

 

In your example about the girl you heard who doesn't normally swear using foul language around a guy that swears. She was simply blending in, apparently having decided that there were other things about this guy that made him worth mirroring. Don't worry, it won't last long. People usually cannot compromise their basic core values over a long period of time. This temporary mirroring or visible change of behavior is just a primitive and unconscious mating ritual sort of thing.

 

Have you ever noticed how many people get divorced "when the kids get out of school or leave home." The couples mirrored each other, got married, had kids, discovered they were much different than originally thought, and set a time to part...usually in relation to their children's growth.

 

If you look around and pay a lot of attention to people, you will see them act a whole lot differently wherever they happen to be. It's much like a presidential candidate who talks a different talk in different parts of the country, to different labor groups, to different religious affiliations, etc. It is also likely a candidate will spend a great deal of one on one conversation with wealthy contributors at a fundraiser and the next day spend less than a half second touching each of the hands of people in a poor section of town.

 

I don't think I would break humans down into two types...I don't think such a hypothesis would hold up. But I think you have the right idea that people's behavior can be inconsistent, depending on hundreds of variables but mostly the value they place on the people they are relating to, the place in time of each relationship, the amount of time they have to devote to it, the degree of importance of a need they want to satisfy, etc.

 

I promise you the biggest jerks on the planet can be the sweetest, most intelligent and poetic gentlemen if they are setting out to seduce a woman they really want. I don't think that is being fake necessarily, maybe it's just a matter of survival.

 

Who knows???