ShannonBanana Posted March 20, 2014 Share Posted March 20, 2014 (edited) My STBX husband has been a pretty big jerk through out this incredibly tough separation (and physically healing) process. The gravity of his bullying, disrespect and narcissism is shocking, really. I have been trying to comes to terms with the person he is turning into. But the part that bothers me now is friends who know about his actions and what he has put me through yet chose to keep quiet and stay neutral. I understand their predicament and not wanting to get in the middle, but doesn't staying neutral, quiet and friendly towards him just condone his behaviour? As MLK Jr. said... “In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.” I never thought that I would make demands, but part of me is thinking twice about the friends that remain friendly with him. Anyone else go through this and how did they handle it? Edited March 20, 2014 by ShannonBanana Link to post Share on other sites
Bluesandy Posted March 20, 2014 Share Posted March 20, 2014 (edited) Hi Shannon, Good point... same thing happened to me... I noted 2 kinds of behaviour among our common friends.. The one who was shocked by her behaviour and told her what they were thinking, and she erased them from her friend list (strange isn't lol), and the one who didn't care who was right or wrong and just wanted to keep the memento and the friendship of both of us.. I tried to continue to be their friend, but after one year, I discovered that they were just lame and hypocryt, just scared to take position and to lose one of their relation, meaning they were not real friends, for both of us, anyway... The fact is that it is impossible not to take position, or at least to have a realistic opinion, and for a few months, I avoid the ones who continue to be good friends with my wife, staying only with my true friends and the new ones I have met since... Honnestly I don't care about the ones who stay with her, cause I know now that they were not true friends, for her either... That's life and we need to move on... with the best ones... ;-) No regrets.. Edited March 20, 2014 by Bluesandy 2 Link to post Share on other sites
chelsea2011 Posted March 20, 2014 Share Posted March 20, 2014 My STBX husband has been a pretty big jerk through out this incredibly tough separation (and physically healing) process. The gravity of his bullying, disrespect and narcissism is shocking, really. I have been trying to comes to terms with the person he is turning into. But the part that bothers me now is friends who know about his actions and what he has put me through yet chose to keep quiet and stay neutral. I understand their predicament and not wanting to get in the middle, but doesn't staying neutral, quiet and friendly towards him just condone his behaviour? As MLK Jr. said... “In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.” I never thought that I would make demands, but part of me is thinking twice about the friends that remain friendly with him. Anyone else go through this and how did they handle it? MLK said it best with that quote. There is nothing worse than being surrounded by people who you thought were friends and who add salt to your wounds by being silent. The only thing you can really do is tell them how you feel and then find new friends you can trust and won't let you down in a time of need. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted March 20, 2014 Share Posted March 20, 2014 I disagree with the two posters before me. It's hard for mutual friends, mainly because they will see your partner with different eyes. They aren't in an intimate relationship with him, they won't experience what you do, they won't understand it. Personally I think it's too much to expect them to take sides. Being friends means you should be there for them too, not just the other way round. If you feel your connection isn't strong enough and you don't have common ground anymore, then stop being friends. Don't expect them to fight your battles though, I think that's unfair. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
ASG Posted March 20, 2014 Share Posted March 20, 2014 I agree with Emilia. I haven't been in the "middle" of a divorce, but I have been in the middle of breakups and even friendships gone sour. And I tend to stay neutral. I try to give my support to both parties and try to calm things down on both sides, possibly trying to make both sides see how they're doing things wrong. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
chelsea2011 Posted March 20, 2014 Share Posted March 20, 2014 I disagree with the two posters before me. It's hard for mutual friends, mainly because they will see your partner with different eyes. They aren't in an intimate relationship with him, they won't experience what you do, they won't understand it. Personally I think it's too much to expect them to take sides. Being friends means you should be there for them too, not just the other way round. If you feel your connection isn't strong enough and you don't have common ground anymore, then stop being friends. Don't expect them to fight your battles though, I think that's unfair. Her situation was a case of abuse and that's why I responded as I did. Letting people know you are a friend is not fighting their battles for them. Two totally diferent things. I didn't say anywhere in my post that they should fight her battles. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chelsea2011 Posted March 20, 2014 Share Posted March 20, 2014 Her situation was a case of abuse and that's why I responded as I did. Letting people know you are a friend is not fighting their battles for them. Two totally diferent things. I didn't say anywhere in my post that they should fight her battles. For instance, I had a conversation with someone the other day who understands a certain situation and I completely trust that she does. I would never in any way ask her to speak on my behalf; it was just nice to know that she understood and had compassion. Sometimes that is all that is needed. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bluesandy Posted March 20, 2014 Share Posted March 20, 2014 (edited) I disagree with the two posters before me. It's hard for mutual friends, mainly because they will see your partner with different eyes. They aren't in an intimate relationship with him, they won't experience what you do, they won't understand it. Personally I think it's too much to expect them to take sides. Being friends means you should be there for them too, not just the other way round. If you feel your connection isn't strong enough and you don't have common ground anymore, then stop being friends. Don't expect them to fight your battles though, I think that's unfair. I disagree absolutely... I found out that they always take position anyway... For exemple they will invite more your ex, or when you want to explain your position, they won't answer to you meaning that the position of your spouse is valid as well and they doesn't want to take position (in fact, they have already taken position for your ex...).. That's pretty harsch for me, since my ex disappeared during the nite, going with her boss, and letting me with the 3 girls to manage I am still taking care full time... She did't like to be a parent, just wanted to have her own life, partying as she were 20... I have always been a good parent, working, no affair, and we were making love till the end of our relationship.. But it wasn't enough for her... So I can't understand how some our firends who are also parents cannot find strange her behaviour and didn't ask her for explanation about what she did.. By the past, I was in that situation several times, and I said my position for both of the sides.. nevermind about the issues... Real friends have to try to understand what happened, from both side and try to help they so called friends and telling the true things. If they avoid any kind of implication, because they are scarred to lose one of their friend, they are not real friends.... Edited March 20, 2014 by Bluesandy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ASG Posted March 20, 2014 Share Posted March 20, 2014 I disagree absolutely... I found out that they always take position anyway... For exemple they will invite more your ex, or when you want to explain your position, they won't answer to you meaning that the position of your spouse is valid as well and they doesn't want to take position (in fact, they have already taken position for your ex...).. That's pretty harsch for me, since my ex disappeared during the nite, going with her boss, and letting me with the 3 girls to manage I am still taking care full time... She did't like to be a parent, just wanted to have her own life, partying as she were 20... I have always been a good parent, working, no affair, and we were making love till the end of our relationship.. But it wasn't enough for her... So I can't understand how some our firends who are also parents cannot find strange her behaviour and ask her nor explanation about what she did.. By the past, I was in that situation several times, and I said my position for both of the sides.. nevermind about the issues... Real friends have to try to understand what happened, from both side and try to help they so called friends and telling the true things. If they avoid any kind of implication, because they are scarred to lose one of their friend, they are not real friends.... But how do you know those friends didn't talk to her about it and asked her what made her make those decisions? How can you know that didn't happen and that they just took it at face value? Maybe they did, and she explained her reasons, and they accepted them as valid. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted March 20, 2014 Share Posted March 20, 2014 For instance, I had a conversation with someone the other day who understands a certain situation and I completely trust that she does. I would never in any way ask her to speak on my behalf; it was just nice to know that she understood and had compassion. Sometimes that is all that is needed. A friend can do that for you and the other party as well. It's possible to understand both sides. When it comes to abuse it's complicated because often it isn't visible from the outside. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bluesandy Posted March 20, 2014 Share Posted March 20, 2014 Exact, she explained her stuff in a very bad way.. and the reasons she said was obviously false.. Because she wanted to have no guilt about what she had done, she invented stories. Only my real friends confronted her, didn't believe her, because they knew each other, and what she said wasn't making any sens for them..they asked her for better explanations, and the more they asked and the more she invented stuffs. One on one, I asked her why she was telling those stoires, and she answered me she never told those stuffs to them. And when I get back to my friends, they told me they had no reasons to invent anything.. as she did the same pattern several times, I trusted my friends.. she ended cutting ties with them afterwards, cause she was sure embarrased and didn't want to be the bad girl among all the other friends..... Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted March 20, 2014 Share Posted March 20, 2014 I disagree absolutely... I found out that they always take position anyway... For exemple they will invite more your ex, or when you want to explain your position, they won't answer to you meaning that the position of your spouse is valid as well and they doesn't want to take position (in fact, they have already taken position for your ex...).. That's pretty harsch for me, since my ex disappeared during the nite, going with her boss, and letting me with the 3 girls to manage I am still taking care full time... She did't like to be a parent, just wanted to have her own life, partying as she were 20... I have always been a good parent, working, no affair, and we were making love till the end of our relationship.. But it wasn't enough for her... So I can't understand how some our firends who are also parents cannot find strange her behaviour and didn't ask her for explanation about what she did.. By the past, I was in that situation several times, and I said my position for both of the sides.. nevermind about the issues... Real friends have to try to understand what happened, from both side and try to help they so called friends and telling the true things. If they avoid any kind of implication, because they are scarred to lose one of their friend, they are not real friends.... When I was going through my separation and divorce with my ex husband, I never discussed anything related to our marriage with mutual friends and he did the same. As a result, we both retained good friends from those years we are both in touch with. I had my own friends to talk to and he had his. Friendship is a two-way street, I would feel uncomfortable if two people tried to suck me into their own battle and expect me to take sides. I wouldn't. I would probably stop talking to both. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted March 20, 2014 Share Posted March 20, 2014 Exact, she explained her stuff in a very bad way.. and the reasons she said was obviously false.. Because she wanted to have no guilt about what she had done, she invented stories. Only my real friends confronted her, didn't believe her, because they knew each other, and what she said wasn't making any sens for them..they asked her for better explanations, and the more they asked and the more she invented stuffs. One on one, I asked her why she was telling those stoires, and she answered me she never told those stuffs to them. And when I get back to my friends, they told me they had no reasons to invent anything.. as she did the same pattern several times, I trusted my friends.. she ended cutting ties with them afterwards, cause she was sure embarrased and didn't want to be the bad girl among all the other friends..... This is kids' stuff for me to be honest. My friendships are very different, we don't 'confront' or ask for explanations or invent things. We have adult conversations about adult subjects. Sometimes ask for support. There is no drama, but then again I mainly have male friends for this reason I guess. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bluesandy Posted March 20, 2014 Share Posted March 20, 2014 I agree for the kid's stuff.. But her intention was at start to try to convince all our friends to jump on board, since I was just crushed, and just tring to survive on my own.. After 23 year of marriage, you discover a face of your spouse you didn't know.. She just did a good PR, invited our common friends over and over, her purpose being ovioulsly to take the firends on her side as soon as possible.. It took me several month to get nack on my feet, so I can honnestly saiy that the friends who saw her game and did'nt go with her are now my real good friends.. And too bad for the others.. Talking about her, after 4 months, her boss was getting so jaleous about her behaviour that he beat her serverly, and she ended in an hospital.. They are not together anymore, but I won't take her back for sure after all what she did... Link to post Share on other sites
Mr.Milked Posted March 20, 2014 Share Posted March 20, 2014 (edited) One of the hardest things for me to accept about my entire marital breakdown was how for over a year, members of her family and many of our so called ‘mutual friends’ (so I thought) knew the truth of how my ww was cheating on me. They just let me go on to family functions and dinners, vacations, etc. while maintaining silence of the reality. My real friends would have said something and been truthful to me because they cared about me. Thus, they were not mutual friends, they made their choice. They are dead to me. I forgive them in my heart because I know they are weak and don’t need that baggage, but all of them are just dead to me. Not my friends! And not my family! I can be polite and cordial if need be to speak to any of them, but that never happens. How people can be so heartless act as though they don’t know, it’s none of their business, yadda-yadda, don’t care. It shows a lack of their character and spine and whom they decided to be loyal to in order to maintain friendship. Dead to me. All of them. Edited March 20, 2014 by Mr.Milked Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted March 20, 2014 Share Posted March 20, 2014 For what it's worth, I'll take neutrality over people who immediately side with the person demonizing you without ever letting you air out your side of the story. Happened to me. I lost a bunch of "old friends" that way. In the end, no big loss. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted March 20, 2014 Share Posted March 20, 2014 I don't really think its fair to expect your friends to take sides because your relationship failed. They have the ability to maintain a friendship with two of their friends. If you can't handle that, perhaps its best if you leave the friendship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Babolat Posted March 20, 2014 Share Posted March 20, 2014 When I was going through my divorce, I learned who my "real and true" friends, were. Mutual friends from the marriage, all pretty much disappeared. I think she is still close to some of them (the married couples). And I'm Okay with that, as they were not real friends now looking back. My best guess is they listend to her story, and judged me. They never asked, to hear my story, or to meet up with me. That showed me a lot. And, to those who asked, I never said anything more than "we simply did not work out". I did not go into the detaiusl of why we did not work out. I did with 1 or two very close friends, and family, but thats it. I was interested in smearing her. 3-4 of my friends stepped up and became "real and true" friends, and supported and took care of me. To me, that's what matters. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ShannonBanana Posted March 20, 2014 Author Share Posted March 20, 2014 (edited) Keenly - I am not expecting my friends to take sides because we broke up. This is not a situation of a smooth divorce. This is continued abuse, cruel behaviour and deception through out the process. Most of our mutual friends have no idea what has gone on, but a couple of friends have been close to me through out this process. I don't expect them to fight my battle, but I am left scratching my head as to how they can be so chummy with him. Edited March 20, 2014 by ShannonBanana 2 Link to post Share on other sites
chelsea2011 Posted March 20, 2014 Share Posted March 20, 2014 For what it's worth, I'll take neutrality over people who immediately side with the person demonizing you without ever letting you air out your side of the story. Happened to me. I lost a bunch of "old friends" that way. In the end, no big loss. This is a good point. That happened to me too. To the OP. The best thing you can do is pick yourself up and brush yourself off and focus on bettering yourself. Anyone who is a true friend will make it known to you. You will feel it in your gut. The friends who seem neutral right now might be accessing the situation and believe me, if your STBX is an abusive narcissist, they will understand when it is turned toward them. Narcissist turn on a dime the minute their ego is injured. And God help anyone who is on the receiving end of that. If they don't see it now, they will see it then. You can bet on it. But you know what? You will be healed and living a happier healthier life that is free of abuse. Just move on and heal. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Babolat Posted March 20, 2014 Share Posted March 20, 2014 I was interested in smearing her. I WAS not interested in smearing her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ShannonBanana Posted March 20, 2014 Author Share Posted March 20, 2014 This is a good point. That happened to me too. To the OP. The best thing you can do is pick yourself up and brush yourself off and focus on bettering yourself. Anyone who is a true friend will make it known to you. You will feel it in your gut. The friends who seem neutral right now might be accessing the situation and believe me, if your STBX is an abusive narcissist, they will understand when it is turned toward them. Narcissist turn on a dime the minute their ego is injured. And God help anyone who is on the receiving end of that. If they don't see it now, they will see it then. You can bet on it. But you know what? You will be healed and living a happier healthier life that is free of abuse. Just move on and heal. Thank you for the reminder that this is about moving on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chelsea2011 Posted March 20, 2014 Share Posted March 20, 2014 Thank you for the reminder that this is about moving on. You're welcome! Yes it is. Now that I said it to you, I need to start putting the advice I give into practice. I thank you too. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ShannonBanana Posted March 20, 2014 Author Share Posted March 20, 2014 Thank you all for your perspectives. It's good to hash this stuff out and see both sides of the coin. From this dialogue I will (re)consider the best course of personal conduct. Thank you all, again. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr.Milked Posted March 20, 2014 Share Posted March 20, 2014 I WAS not interested in smearing her. I think most of us knew that, but always best to clarify on a message board. Link to post Share on other sites
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