Friends Who Stay Neutral

[ShannonBanana]

One of the hardest things for me to accept about my entire marital breakdown was how for over a year, members of her family and many of our so called ‘mutual friends’ (so I thought) knew the truth of how my ww was cheating on me. They just let me go on to family functions and dinners, vacations, etc. while maintaining silence of the reality. My real friends would have said something and been truthful to me because they cared about me. Thus, they were not mutual friends, they made their choice. They are dead to me. I forgive them in my heart because I know they are weak and don’t need that baggage, but all of them are just dead to me. Not my friends! And not my family! I can be polite and cordial if need be to speak to any of them, but that never happens.

 

 

How people can be so heartless act as though they don’t know, it’s none of their business, yadda-yadda, don’t care. It shows a lack of their character and spine and whom they decided to be loyal to in order to maintain friendship. Dead to me. All of them.

 

I'm sorry that happened to you. That must be very tough. I too have a hard time with how my STBX's family excuses his behaviours and no one says anything to him about how awful he can be. I have shunned his family from my life too after seeing this for what it is. You are not alone in having to do that.

[Misadventure]

There is always going to be a point where the neutral friends spend more or less time with one or the other spouse.

 

Decide who your true friends are and go from there. Do you want friends who will stand up by you and be there for you if you are not the damaged party but the one put upon? If the other spouse is the one damaged and the "friends" seem to still be there for him, why would you want to be friends with someone who doesn't have the conviction and integrity to stand up for what is right and say their opinion.

 

If they stand by the party that did the damaging...it pretty much says they are overlooking it because they like to hang out with this person more, and they will say they don't want to get involved. But what they are really saying is they don't want to give up that friendship with that person (because they may not be strong enough to say Hey that is wrong, what BS did you do, how can you do that).. and also realize they may have been fed a line of bull from the opposing party. Either way, their desire to hang out outweighs any doubts and concerns for you.

 

Time for better friends and friends who care for YOU.

[Mr.Milked]

I'm sorry that happened to you. That must be very tough. I too have a hard time with how my STBX's family excuses his behaviours and no one says anything to him about how awful he can be. I have shunned his family from my life too after seeing this for what it is. You are not alone in having to do that.

Oh, don't feel sorry for me. It's cool now. I do feel for those that were as clueless as I was to the infidelity only to be stuck with the aftermath. You know, the other family and mutual friends that never had a chance to do or say anything because they just didn't know. Those people, I feel for.

[Bluesandy]

There is always going to be a point where the neutral friends spend more or less time with one or the other spouse.

 

Decide who your true friends are and go from there. Do you want friends who will stand up by you and be there for you if you are not the damaged party but the one put upon? If the other spouse is the one damaged and the "friends" seem to still be there for him, why would you want to be friends with someone who doesn't have the conviction and integrity to stand up for what is right and say their opinion.

 

If they stand by the party that did the damaging...it pretty much says they are overlooking it because they like to hang out with this person more, and they will say they don't want to get involved. But what they are really saying is they don't want to give up that friendship with that person (because they may not be strong enough to say Hey that is wrong, what BS did you do, how can you do that).. and also realize they may have been fed a line of bull from the opposing party. Either way, their desire to hang out outweighs any doubts and concerns for you.

 

Time for better friends and friends who care for YOU.

 

Totally agree

[Rubypumped]

I created an account here just so I could reply to this thread! I have a question for all of you:

 

What if you have been close to one party for a long time (years) and barely knew the other person?

 

In my situation, I dated a guy who put me on an emotional rollercoaster. I complained about him and got advice from a dear long-term friend of mine who also considered me one of his best friends. One day he met the guy through mutual friends and immediately took a liking to him. The next day he told me how great the guy was. Within a week he was very excited about their new friendship and warned me that I shouldn't expect him to take sides. I was very hurt. When I tried to reconcile with the guy, he played me again, and my friend defended him. This was three months after they met. I was hurt enough by that guy, but the real clincher was my friend who wasn't loyal to me. A few months later my friend didn't even have time for me anymore and expected me to understand that his free time was spent with that guy. I tried very hard to see his point of view, but ultimately I just felt so betrayed. When I expressed this to him, he tried to help but said some awful things like that they were very close and more defending. I ultimately couldn't take it and had to end the friendship because I was so hurt. I tried to befriend the guy one last time (this was a year after the last time he did me wrong). He was just cruel this time around. I tried to tell my old friend but he flat out said he wouldn't believe anything I said about that guy and refused to reconcile our friendship.

 

This has left me unbelievably heartbroken and terrified of future friendships and relationships. I see people on here saying "you can't tell people who to be friends with," but I see his choosing to befriend this person as a major lack of respect. He was still there for me in other ways, but asking him to drop this relationship because of how much it hurt me was asking too much. But for me, their friendship was too hurtful. Some people say, "as long as he didn't bad mouth you then their friendship has nothing to do with you," and "well that guy hurt YOU not your friend," but to me it shows that my friend just does not have my back. Isn't that specifically what "I can't take sides" means? I've heard, "maybe he's getting something great out of the friendship" but I figure we already had a great friendship and they barely knew each other, how could it be equal loyalty and worth the pain it caused me? Some people say "a lot can happen in three months" but I don't see how that is equal to years of tightness.

 

If one of my friends was hurt by someone, even if it was a breakup and the other person may have perfectly valid reasoning for their actions, I show loyalty to my closer, older friend first. I have put this into practice multiple times. It seems natural to me and I have a very hard time understanding otherwise. It seems to me like if you want to stay neutral then you're a superficial friend to everybody who just wants to have fun. Not a real friend to anyone. I am so very hurt and just can't see how this is okay. Honestly, the very beginning when they even became friends was the worst pain of it all. That was the backstab right there. I'm not saying my friend should have been rude to him or anything, but befriending him and dismissing how I felt was just awful.

[ShannonBanana]

In my situation, I dated a guy who put me on an emotional rollercoaster. I complained about him and got advice from a dear long-term friend of mine who also considered me one of his best friends. One day he met the guy through mutual friends and immediately took a liking to him. The next day he told me how great the guy was. Within a week he was very excited about their new friendship and warned me that I shouldn't expect him to take sides. I was very hurt. When I tried to reconcile with the guy, he played me again, and my friend defended him. This was three months after they met. I was hurt enough by that guy, but the real clincher was my friend who wasn't loyal to me. A few months later my friend didn't even have time for me anymore and expected me to understand that his free time was spent with that guy. I tried very hard to see his point of view, but ultimately I just felt so betrayed. When I expressed this to him, he tried to help but said some awful things like that they were very close and more defending. I ultimately couldn't take it and had to end the friendship because I was so hurt. I tried to befriend the guy one last time (this was a year after the last time he did me wrong). He was just cruel this time around. I tried to tell my old friend but he flat out said he wouldn't believe anything I said about that guy and refused to reconcile our friendship.

 

In this situation, I think your friend is demonstrating an inappropriate level of neutrality and trying to pass it off as not wanting to get involved to absolve himself of responsibility. There are several things you can do from discussing it with your friend to taking a non-active approach and just letting the friendship fall by the wayside now that you know what kind of friend you are dealing with.

 

Personally, I am wary of continuing friendships at high levels of closeness to people that have let me down. For me, I think I am a good friend and expect the same from those I give it to. On the same hand, I have almost always found that bringing my disappointments into the open are not beneficial at all and only make the friendship strained further. Therefore, my approach would be to keep the person at a distance from here on out.

Edited March 29, 2014 by ShannonBanana

[RonaldS]

In my experience, these situations will reveal two kinds of friends:

 

-one kind will pick sides and do whatever they have to to protect and defend their side.

 

-the other kind are the rational people who understand that there is nothing more emotionally devastating than a marriage falling apart, understand that it will bring the worst out in people (on both sides), and understand that it's important to let the process play out without becoming part of the narrative.

 

I found out, and was actually surprised in a couple of instances, who the truly great friends I have are through this process.

[Rubypumped]

There is always going to be a point where the neutral friends spend more or less time with one or the other spouse.

 

Decide who your true friends are and go from there. Do you want friends who will stand up by you and be there for you if you are not the damaged party but the one put upon? If the other spouse is the one damaged and the "friends" seem to still be there for him, why would you want to be friends with someone who doesn't have the conviction and integrity to stand up for what is right and say their opinion.

 

If they stand by the party that did the damaging...it pretty much says they are overlooking it because they like to hang out with this person more, and they will say they don't want to get involved. But what they are really saying is they don't want to give up that friendship with that person (because they may not be strong enough to say Hey that is wrong, what BS did you do, how can you do that).. and also realize they may have been fed a line of bull from the opposing party. Either way, their desire to hang out outweighs any doubts and concerns for you.

 

Time for better friends and friends who care for YOU.

 

I COMPLETELY agree with this. Unfortunately, this is where I hear, "You can't expect people to fight your battles for you." I don't know how to respond, because to me this isn't fighting battles for someone, it's standing up for them! If a friend of mine were treating a stranger that way, I would still stand up against the abuse and tell them they're behaving poorly! I guess some people think standing up for a friend is only acceptable if someone says something bad about them right in front of you?

[Rubypumped]

In my experience, these situations will reveal two kinds of friends:

 

-one kind will pick sides and do whatever they have to to protect and defend their side.

 

-the other kind are the rational people who understand that there is nothing more emotionally devastating than a marriage falling apart, understand that it will bring the worst out in people (on both sides), and understand that it's important to let the process play out without becoming part of the narrative.

 

I found out, and was actually surprised in a couple of instances, who the truly great friends I have are through this process.

 

The second one makes sense when there has been no emotional/mental/physical abuse. The first one makes sense when there has.

[Rubypumped]

In this situation, I think your friend is demonstrating an inappropriate level of neutrality and trying to pass it off as not wanting to get involved to absolve himself of responsibility.

 

"Responsibility" is the key word here! I have had people tell me that friendships don't have any responsibilities other than not flat-out insulting each other or telling each other's secrets. They say "friends don't owe" and all you have the right to expect is basic respect. Wow, that's the level of respect I have for strangers and enemies!! The basic respect for my friends include sensitivity, support, inclusion, sacrifice, and a whole lot more.

 

People have told me that friendships are for fun and no drama and spouses are the only ones worth drama. I think that friendship is 95% fun but when the going gets tough you have to be there for each other. I've had people say, "Do what works for you, and whoever is okay with it is your friend, and if they're not okay with it, they're not your friend." WRONG. If you do something against your friend's interests and it hurts them, then YOU'RE the bad friend. Be considerate! Being considerate to strangers is integrity, being considerate to friends is love!