Isadora Posted March 20, 2014 Share Posted March 20, 2014 Some of you may have heard about the recent allegations against certain Youtuber's sexually abusing their fans and cheating on their girlfriends etc. well, in response to a friend being accused, Charlieissocoollike posted this video . Anyway, my housemate was watching this video whilst we were in the kitchen and it finally hit me that what my ex used to do to me was abuse. Sometimes I wouldn't be 'up for having sex' on an evening, and I'd say no. But he'd never take that as an answer and he'd keep touching me until I let him have sex with me. This happened a lot. It was expected of me to have sex with him whenever we were alone or whenever he wanted it. I never thought much of it before. If I wasn't up for it and insisted and insisted again and again, often he's ask me to pleasure him without having actual sex. I have a couple of memories where I was actually crying whilst doing this. He'd also insist on trying different types of sex or different positions and if I didn't like them then he'd tell me to 'give it another try and I might like it' even though I'd already said I didn't want to. I just can't believe I thought this was normal until now.. I don't know what to do, I feel like the realisation has just hit me and I never saw it that way before. I just feel a bit lost that this happened without me realising... Link to post Share on other sites
card Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 I'm really sorry you had to endure that... He sounds awful and manipulative. Be very glad that you realize how wrong what he did to you is now so you can prevent it in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
schmurr Posted March 24, 2014 Share Posted March 24, 2014 That's a hard realization, and I understand where you're coming from. At least now you recognize it for what it is. Now you are empowered to be in healthy relationships where you will be respected and can recognize when you're not. You deserve the best, always. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 I hope you go to therapy to learn to deal with it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 I didn't need therapy but I did learn a lot about things once I realised what I had been in and how it could have escalated. Hope all is OK for you OP. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 (edited) When my children started dating we had the sex talk where I explained this very situation to them and told them this is considered sexual abuse. I wish more parents would do this because everything else we said, as they know it all, was giggled at but this really opened up a conversation. For some reason this culture has demonstrated through movies, media, porn and music that if you are with someone you "owe" them sex. That is simply not true. Sex is very much a consensual activity that shouldn't be accepted if forced on someone. There will be times in life when someone will be too tired, too sick and too distracted to perform. They should not be forced. Discussions about what another person finds sexually comfortable or uncomfortable should be discussed prior to having a sexual relationship to see if you are compatible. It sounds like you weren't compatible with your bf because he did things you weren't comfortable with. It is possible that with the right man you could become comfortable with it. The only way to create comfort is through patience, understanding and gentle discussions where you are introduced to things respectfully and gently. It is a shame this isn't spoken of and people aren't educated about their rights as partners in a relationship. Never let this happen again, OP, move on before it becomes mentally harmful, Grumps Edited March 27, 2014 by Grumpybutfun 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 Great post Grumps..but.... Life can be more complicated than that. Communication before can be fun, open, explicit and just as it should be. Reality can be far different. And I can't post what I am remembering. Not just now. Apologies. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tbf Posted March 27, 2014 Share Posted March 27, 2014 Isadora, you have to be careful of the line between consent and rape/abuse. There's no doubt that your ex was a jerk but you have to ask yourself why you'd let him push you into having sex when you didn't want it. The latter part is extremely important for future dating and relationships. Learning to say no and enforcing those boundaries can only help you, not only during a sexual engagement but also in every aspect of your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted March 28, 2014 Share Posted March 28, 2014 Great post Grumps..but.... Life can be more complicated than that. Communication before can be fun, open, explicit and just as it should be. Reality can be far different. And I can't post what I am remembering. Not just now. Apologies. No worries, Gemma, only share what you can. The slow methodology and gradual boundary razing abusers do can be complex. I certainly wasn't implying this isn't a sophisticated process and know it can happen to anyone. I just think awareness has to be raised because our culture condones this idea that sex is owed and it isn't taught that it can be used as a form of control for an abuser. Best, G 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted March 28, 2014 Share Posted March 28, 2014 I had two sisters. Both older than me by 8 and 5 years. I played in a band when I was a teenager and back then (60's) there wasn't many so when we would draw a crowd, a lot of the crowd were girls. One day, they overheard me talking to another guy in the band and yeah the subject was sex. My two sisters waited until my buddy left and filled me in on a few things. The one thing they filled me in on the subject of what this thread is about. The word "NO." It was explained that when a girl says no, that's exactly what it means and there is no other way to take it. It doesn't mean maybe or we'll see, it means no and if you think that just because your sudden popularity means that it doesn't apply to you, then you better be prepared for a bunch of trouble. I was told that not only the police get involved but in most cases before the police are called, the parents are the first to know which means a very pissed of Father gunning for your ass before the cops show up and they will take whats left of you to jail but not before my own father jumps in the fray and finishes what the other father didn't. In other words behave. I was also told that yes, girls flirt and give off all kinds of signals that you could think means "yes," but that's when you use your own common sense and walk away knowing you'll live for another day. They were smart girls looking out for their little brother with the big head. By the way, I was a hell of a drummer. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
regine_phalange Posted March 28, 2014 Share Posted March 28, 2014 This topic made me sad. It sounds awful. He saw you crying and didn't get the hint? He really deserved a bite at his private parts. I wish more parents educated their daughters and sons about "no". If I ever become a mum, I sure will. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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