My husband has left me with two small children

[Meghead]

I met my husband when I was 22. We fell in love straight away and I knew he was the one for me. I trusted him completely with everything and have never been as close to anyone in my whole life. He was exactly the same with me. We got married two years later and went on to have two children. He moved around a lot with his job and I followed. Because money was short we got a council flat. I decided to further my education while the children were small so I finished my degree and started a Master's Degree.

 

I am half way through me Master's Degree and my husband walked out on New Years Eve. He has left me in a block of flats, top floor with no lift and two children. One is 3 and the other is 10 months. I am in the middle of England far away from my family and have lost touch with my friends. Where I live is quite rural and you need to drive. I don't drive and my husband has gone with the car. He hasn't really got an explanation for me except that he has been unhappy for a while and he still loves me and the children. He still pays some of my bills and sometimes helps with the children at bath time. He works during the day but evening time he trains as his hobby is mixed martial arts. He says he hasn't been happy for a while, but last November he broke his arm in a match so he couldn't train for six weeks. We were very happy during that time, and it was just like when we met. He also agrees he was very happy at that time.

 

When he initially left me, I took the children on the long train journey to my mother's house. He followed me the next day and expressed how much he regretted his decision and wanted to work things out. We talked and talked and finally decided to work things out. The next day things were great and he even suggested that we renew our wedding vows. A few days later he has turned around again and wants nothing to do with me. I have had to return to central england because of my master's degree. It costs over four thousand pounds and my mother has paid my fees for me. As a result she has nearly gotten her house re-possessed , so I cannot drop out or defer. I have no friends here, no transport and am stuck in a flat built for one. My husband is basically living like a free man, he sees the children when he wants and pays no rent etc as he is living with his mother now. He has completely changed in a month, so much so that I don't recognize him. The doctor apparently has said he has had a breakdown and is suffering from depression. However, he went out clubbing a few nights ago. I know he loves me but I don't understand what is going on as he has just shut himself off from me. He told me that we are officially separated and I'm free to date other people if I want. This hurt me tremendously. I initially thought there was someone else, but I am confident now that there is not. Last night my son awoke in the small hours of the morning crying for his daddy. I didn't know what to say to him, I just say 'he's gone out' or 'he's at work' and try and settle him. We wren't really on good speaking terms so I emailed him asking for answers. He basically said that he still loves me but he needs to be alone. and that's basically it.

 

When I text him, he often ignores me and today when he came to see the children, he bit my head off for asking him if he is going to go to counselling, he told me it was personal. I know this is not the behavior of someone who loves me. The one thing my husband is, and that is honest. If he didn't love me, I believe he would say. He has also said that he is paying my bills partly because he wants to come back after he has sorted his head out, but on another occasion when I asked for a divorce, he didn't bat an eyelid, and agreed to give me one. This past month he is a completely different person. He has taken me out for lunch and I truly did not recognize the person opposite me. He says that I don't let him be himself and that this is his true self that I see now. We have been together for five years and I can't think how he could have hidden his true self from me for so long. I don't think that's possible. This new him is cruel, quick to temper, aggressive with everyone and just downright rude and out of order. He has shouted abuse at people for no apparent reason. Swore at girls because he doesn't like the look of them. My husband was never like this before. I actually now don't like being around him. I really miss my old husband, the one I married, the one that was there up until Christmas. He has been gone now for nearly a month and the new one is still just as abusive as ever. When he moved out on New Year's Eve, on New Year's Day he came and cleared out the rest of his stuff. Everything is gone.

 

I am so very very lonely with no friends or family nearby. The phone bill is huge and I can't afford to pay it. My mother and sisters are also struggling so I don't feel that I can ask them for money. The work load at uni is very heavy and I'm getting very stressed out. I'm trying to remain as normal as possible so my eldest is okay, but inside my heart is broken and I don't feel like I can go on. I feel like running away, but have nowhere to run to and no money. I also feel like giving my husband the kids so he knows what it feels like, but I couldn't do that to them I could never abandon them.

 

I am so very lonely, and so very sad. I cry most of the time I am alone and I feel like I am just hanging on by a thread. I avoid my lecturer's gaze during lectures because I know he is going to ask me to do an oral presentation sooner or later and I can't get my head around it. I am barely keeping up. He knows of my situation, but it is part of the course to do one, so he will ask me.

 

I feel like I want to die. Not that I am going to commit suicide or anything like that because that is something I would never do. It would hurt my family and my mother too much, but the feeling is there that death would be a welcome release from all the pressure and loneliness that I am facing. I am not eating and although I know this is bad for me, somehow it makes me feel a bit better. I am so utterly hurt, so utterly hurt and so, so, very alone. I desperately want my old husband back, but part of me think's gone for good. Every evening I sit alone and watch television, I watch all the soaps until I'm so tired I have to sleep. I can go days without seeing anyone. I can't go out and make friends because I have no babysitters. My in-laws refuse to babysit. That's just the way they have always been. I have previously tried mother and baby class and for some reason all the women give me a wide birth. I thought it would get better, but it didn't. I remember I saw one of the girls in the street and said hello, but she insisted she didn't remember me. Even though our son's know each other. I am totally alone here and am going to be for some months until I finish my master's degree. I have no idea what's going on with my husband and he either can't or won't say. I need some advice to help me past this difficult patch in my life, because I am at a loss with what to do. How can I make the hurt go away?

 

Please, please does anyone have any advice for me? Or has anyone been in the same situation?

[Barby]

I'm sorry! I am not in the same situation but I have to say that I am very sorry for your pain. Maybe he felt that you two were too young, moved too fast? Maybe he just started feeling this way?

 

 

I'm glad that you realize abandoning your children to him is not the answer, hang in there...things are bound to get better!

 

Can you take a job to help pay the bills, I realize that will be less time with your children but honestly you have to do what you have to do in order to survive.

 

 

I hope more people come and offer advice to you. Sorry I couldn't help more.

[Tymish]

Oh my, I feel for you. I wish I had some advice but I do not. You might consider moving this post to the "Breaking Up, Reconciliation & Coping" forums where you might find people with more in common.

 

One strange question, did your husband suffer any head injury? I saw a program recently where a man was in an accident, the head trauma wasn't severe yet it affeted his brain and personality in a very similar way to what you are descibing. This is something that happens with head injuries. Just a thought.

[Meghead]

I can't get a job because I can't afford child care, also the work load for Master's Degree is so much that I'm not allowed to have any job. I need to finish it because of all the financial support from my mother but also because up until now I have been a house wife, I will need the qualification as I want to get into teaching.

 

My husband hasn't had any head injuries. He get's punched a lot in the head with his fighting hobby, but not hard enough to do as much damage as you are suggesting. I think it would be easier somehow if I had some sort of reason, but I don't. He says he misses the children but when I asked him to spend time with them yesterday, he said he couldn't because he had to go to the gym. Another time when I was at a lecture late one evening an he had the children, I came back to find my neighbor sitting in my living room. She said he had left 2 hours previous and told her he would be back in an hour. He didn't return. When I ask him about it, he won't respond. He is just completely blanking me. It's like there's a stranger in my living room.

[SoleMate]

I am so very sorry that you are enduring this. You are suffering a great deal. It sounds like a scary, painful situation, with all the unknowns, the questions, the grief, not to mention the serious logistic problems re groceries, child care, etc. that you have been handed.

 

Not familiar with English law, but I would hope that a lawyer/solicitor could get you some emergency support awarded from your husband. You are responsible for two young lives, you have a very heavy burden on your shoulders, and you will need many pounds to get through the month.

 

Just as a note to OTHER readers, if you do not drive, please don't move away from public transportation.

 

You may possibly see some help on http://www.marriagebuilders.com. Your H may be having an affair, or may be having a mental breakdown of some sort, or may just have experienced a surge of selfishness after being overwhelmed by family responsibilities. Whatever happens, no more babies and thus no more sex with him until he comes round. Which he may do. Good luck, I will be thinking of you.

[Truth Hammer]

Why in the hell did he just walk out on New Years?

[gt12001]

My husband has done exactly the same thing to me, he went a week before Christmas and like yours is living like a single guy - concerts, clubbing new clothes and frankly it makes me sick. He claims he is doing all this to 'distract' himself from the pain.

 

He seems as happy as a lark to me.

 

Occasionally he has come back and we have slept together but then he picks a fight and goes again, he has hinted that its not over but we need to work on being friends. This, apparently, is going to be achieved by our selling our house and buying two seperate houses. One for me and our two children and one for him. Our wedding anniversary was the day after valentines and he ignored both, I didn't hear a word - now he is not picking up the phone to me and said via text that he doesn't want to have to think about anything 'Deep'.

 

He comes on a saturday to pick up our daughter and I find it very difficult to even be civil.

 

I totally empathise with what you are going through and think these irresponsible, selfish, cruel blokes should be herded into one of their nightclubs and a bomb dropped on it.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Meghead (great nick btw), I am so sorry for you. I myself was suddenly dumped on New Year's eve by ReluctantJuliette and it sucks. For most of January I was unable to function at work or in my private life... my subordinates and friends were more or less carrying me.

 

I have some random observations which may help.

 

First, it's perfectly normal to feel so low and be unable to hold things together. It does pass, but it's normal - there were days where I started to wonder if you could actually *die* of sadness and a broken heart Your living situation and the 2 young kids make it more difficult though... I guess the trick is to find some coping mechanisms. I understand about not wanting to impose on your mum, but you could ask her for advice on finding ways of coping.

 

The Child Support Agency in the UK has a very aggressive policy on keeping fathers paying for their children. You could contact them and explain your situation. For information, at least.

 

Is there a way of interrupting your master's course? Maybe to pick it up again next year? Don't be too proud to cry out for help - I've had so much support from my coworkers. Because they knew why I was being so pathetic and useless, they rallied round.

 

Your husband sounds seriously f***ed up. For the time being, it would probably be better for you to keep contact to the minimum necessary to keep practical issues on track.

[Meghead]

Well, he walked out because he says we just don't get on anymore. Today though we have been talking and I realise that it's all a bit of a waste. He says he still loves me, but he is in ways happier in some ways this way because we seem to get along better. The crux of the problem lies in the fact that he doesn't believe that you should have to work to stay in love in a marriage. He believes it should come naturally and nothing I say will convince him. He still wants to be a part of mine and the children's lives though.

 

Talk about having your cake and eating it! I'm so mad I feel sick!

[Meghead]

Reluctant romeo,

Thanks for your advice, I have postponed my Masters degree and have applied for a post teaching English in a secondary school instead, which I am quietly confident. I am also planning on moving a good hour's drive from where I am now. I am continuing my driving lessons and am hoping to be good enough to do a test in a few months. I had hoped to make a new start on my own without my husband, and am looking at some very nice houses where I think I can be happy. He has recently informed me though that he will move with me, (although not in the same house) because his children are everything to him and wants to be near them to see them every day. The distance thing is a problem, because he likes to be here every day to bath the children and help put them to bed etc, and if he is not here doing that then he is just here spending time. I see more of him now then when we were together. He doesn't want to come home though and make a go of our marriage, and it hurts me when he leaves and I'm left all alone again with the children. I did at one point stop him from coming so regularly but my son just cries for him.

 

what am I supposed to do now?

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by Meghead

The crux of the problem lies in the fact that he doesn't believe that you should have to work to stay in love in a marriage. He believes it should come naturally and nothing I say will convince him.

 

Talk about having your cake and eating it! I'm so mad I feel sick!

 

 

ReluctantJuliette gave me this crap too. It's so trite to believe that the course of true love will always be easy and natural. And that if it isn't perfect for you one particular day, then you just "hit the highway" until you find someone who IS perfect for you.

 

In addition, he has left you with most of the responsibilities, so obviously it's going to be easier for him now.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by Meghead

what am I supposed to do now?

 

 

I really don't know It sounds like you're doing the right things - getting on with your life, putting things back together. I just don't know what advice to give when there are children involved. If it were just you, I'd say maintain no contact for a couple of months. But I understand about the kids needing to see him.

[Meghead]

yep! he is living the life of Riley! I honestly believe though it is just a matter of time before he realizes what I have been trying to tell him. Your Juilette will probably also realize. Especially if she wants to settle down one day. No matter who she settles down with, she will have to work at it. That's just the way things are. My husband says that he is never going to settle down again. I believe he believes it, but I don't think he will carry on believing it forever. No man is an island. Human beings are social creatures, it's only natural for a person to want to be with another. There will come a time when he 'feels the cold' because he still says he loves me, and I can see that he does. If he continues to still love me he will come back. I would have probably moved on by then. These sorts of people need to experience things for themselves. They won't believe you if you tell them the knife is sharp, the have to cut themselves and draw blood before they really understand. By then though, it's too late because they have already chopped off their finger!!

 

In the long run, I guess we are better off without them!

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by Meghead

yep! he is living the life of Riley! I honestly believe though it is just a matter of time before he realizes what I have been trying to tell him. Your Juilette will probably also realize. Especially if she wants to settle down one day. No matter who she settles down with, she will have to work at it. That's just the way things are. My husband says that he is never going to settle down again. I believe he believes it, but I don't think he will carry on believing it forever. No man is an island. Human beings are social creatures, it's only natural for a person to want to be with another. There will come a time when he 'feels the cold' because he still says he loves me, and I can see that he does. If he continues to still love me he will come back. I would have probably moved on by then. These sorts of people need to experience things for themselves. They won't believe you if you tell them the knife is sharp, the have to cut themselves and draw blood before they really understand. By then though, it's too late because they have already chopped off their finger!!

 

In the long run, I guess we are better off without them!

 

 

You're so right. You wish you can communicate these things, but some people really do only learn the hard way. A previous model of ReluctantJuliette did the same thing... and tried to come back months later. By which time I had moved on. She cried, but she could have saved us both the pain by being smarter earlier.

 

In the long run though, I agree that we're better off without people who will walk out when the going gets rough. It's brutal, but true.

[Meghead]

In the long run though, I agree that we're better off without people who will walk out when the going gets rough. It's brutal, but true.

 

I agree, but it's a shame I wasted so much time on a person like this, and in the mean time it's my heart that gets broken and I 'm the one who has to put it back together again. We were together for nearly six years. I feel kind of cheated because all I have wanted is a family. Mother, father and children. I didn't have that growing up.

For all the knowing and saying the right things to myself, it still doesn't change the fact that I miss him terribly and in my heart of hearts I'd just want him to come home. Nights are the hardest, I still find it difficult sleeping without him and am very lonely once the children are asleep. I tend to be going to bed at 8pm!!!

I know only time will help, but I really don't want to go through this. Unfortunately though, I have no choice.

 

I'll be damned if I'm going to find myself in this situation again!!

No more kids for me!!

 

Thanks for all your advice though! It's appreciated.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by Meghead

For all the knowing and saying the right things to myself, it still doesn't change the fact that I miss him terribly and in my heart of hearts I'd just want him to come home. Nights are the hardest, I still find it difficult sleeping without him and am very lonely once the children are asleep. I tend to be going to bed at 8pm!!!

I know only time will help, but I really don't want to go through this. Unfortunately though, I have no choice.

 

"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which

I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and

falling into at night."

-- Edna St. Vincent Millay

 

This is so true. Nights are definitely the worst - the combination of loneliness and sexual frustration is a killer.

 

 

Thanks for all your advice though! It's appreciated.

 

My pleasure

[sylviaguardian]

Meghead,

 

What a s***ty time for you. You must feel like you are wading through mud all the time. It sounds like you are strong person though. I don't know what to say about your husband. It sounds like he might have had a complete breakdown, but of course I don't know the situation. Maybe it is too hard for him to be around the kids just now (I know you will be thinking that it is hard for you too, but you have to). I don't think you should stop contact - to the kids he's still their Dad. I sympathise with you - I know how hard it is to deal with the problems of small children when your own heart is breaking.

 

I can't really give you any advice, except to say that there will be light at the end of the tunnel. Don't think of this as 'my life' but as a temporary dip in your life. Take small steps to begin with. And share. Tell people what's going on - it's the only way they can help you.

 

Take care darling,

Syl

[Meghead]

Originally posted by sylviaguardian

Meghead,

 

What a s***ty time for you. You must feel like you are wading through mud all the time. It sounds like you are strong person though. I don't know what to say about your husband. It sounds like he might have had a complete breakdown, but of course I don't know the situation.

 

 

Hello Sylvia,

In all honesty, I would feel better if he had! I know that sounds terrible, but it would give me a legitimate reason. Something I could understand, and we could have possibly moved on from there. But there isn't anything wrong with him. If there is, he is hiding it very well. Everyone has noticed how he has changed, namely his attitude is very bad now and he is easily irritated, aggressive to anyone, his family and people on the street. This isn't to say he is always aggressive, just that he flies of the handle much quicker than he used to. I caught him verbally abusing someone on the street because he didn't like the way they were looking at him!

 

 

We actually had an argument yesterday because he drove me down the road to drop our son's book off at the library, but it was closed. He was angry at me because I should have known it was closed on Wednesday's. A stupid little thing like that makes him fly off the handle! We had a full blown, door slamming argument. I would kind of understand if it was out of his way, but it was literally round the corner, a minute's drive, but half an hour's walk away. He offered to drive to save me walking because it was snowing. I was very angry and it ended up in a full blown argument. I don't want to see him, but he has to come round to see the children. I end up pretending I'm not angry with him, so we don't argue, to save the children's feelings and then sooner or later it all erupts again.

 

It's a never ending circle. One I can't see ending until I move, then he will only be around on the weekends because he won't be able to afford to come up every day, ( until he follows me up!) I have decided to just try and cut him out of my life. When he is here for the children, I'm trying not to tell him about anything that is happening in my life. If I keep things very superficial and on the surface, maybe I'll be able to keep part of myself away from him and I'll feel better.

 

It's worth a try!

Anyone with any other idea's, I'd love to hear them because it's a nightmare situation.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Meghead

He told me that we are officially separated and I'm free to date other people if I want. This hurt me tremendously. I initially thought there was someone else, but I am confident now that there is not.

 

Why is it that you are "confident" that there is no one else? The behaviors you have described are almost universal in cheating spouses.

 

A married person who is involved in an affair will often treat his mate very badly in an effort to be faithful to his lover. His guilt will eat away at him, so by turns he'll be both sweet and attentive, and then very hateful. The betrayed spouse is often left without a clue as to why their spouse is behaving in such an odd way.

 

Also, did he just make a declaration of "officially separated" or was there any legality involved? If not, it might be a good idea on your part to make it so. You would then be able to enforce financial support.

[Lil Honey]

It seems to me, as well, that he is either having an affair or a drug abuse problem.

 

Of course, when someone doesn't want others to know what's going on, they can be very good at hiding it. You two were married long enough for him to know how you think and your habits, so he knows how not to get caught.

 

It would be VERY easy for him to cheat, since you don't have a vehicle and can't drive. That means you can't investigate.

[Meghead]

I am pretty sure he is/was not cheating. It would be difficult for him to cheat seeing also as we know the same people. As for 'overnight' friends, his mother is very strict and doesn't allow any, he has no spare cash to rent a room or anything else because we have joint accounts in everything and money is a huge issue. There isn't a spare bean. Besides the fact, he trains at the gym a lot. I know some of his friends from the gym, but one in particular who is loyal to me and is constantly keeping an ear to the ground!! He has to spend a lot of time at the gym because he is under contract, as he has to have a minimum of three fights a year, and hopefully win. He also works full time. I know the people he works with too and they are all over 50!

I also know my husband and if he was seeing someone, he'd tell me. He has been honest about other hurtful things in the past and we agreed it was better to be honest. Anyway, it would give him a reason to have left. He was feeling very guilty because he had left for extremely selfish reasons. Also when he is not at the gym or work, he is here with me. I see more of him now than when we were together.

 

I honestly don't think he has had an affair, a one night stand would be more plausible, although drugs may be a different issue. Steroids for example, I know he has done in the past, perhaps it has befuddled his brain.

 

Whatever the reason, I have come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter. He still has left so I just have to get on with things on my own. If he ever wanted to come back now, and I wanted to think about giving it another go, then it would become important, why he left. I will cross that bridge if I get to it. In the mean time, I tell myself he doesn't love me. If he did he would never have left. And I am continuing with my life with my children. I'm only 28, I'm sure I will meet and fall in love with someone else one day. I just have to make sure that it's the right person. This is when I feel my husband will probably change his mind. When he sees me moving on and moving away. Essentially leaving him behind to live his single life. And what will eat him up, is that I won't actually care what he does anymore. As much as I am upset, I think it gives him some sort of power. The same way how people joke about little boys being heart breakers, at the moment he is on some sort of exciting adventure, and leaving me and the children has made it an even bigger deal. Once he reaslises that he has actually made a huge mistake, his 'adventure' will have lost the lure of excitement, he cannot afford a place of his own so a man in his thirties will have to live with his parents indefitnately, his children will be growing up without him miles away and I won't love him anymore. He will have no money and no one, except for girlfriends he will pick up on the way. Even then that won't work because he is unwilling to work at any relationship. He will be stuck. His position, combined with mine, me moving on with someone else, will make him realise what he has done, because out of all of this, the fool still loves me. It's plain for anyone to see with the way he behaves. He even bought me valentine's stuff, and he is constantly here. He comes for dinner sometimes, bringing food, buying take away for us all or just me. He is just to stupid to realise right now. He has to explore this option, make sure the grass really isn't greener. When he realises it's not, it will be too late.

 

He needs to learn a crucial life lesson and that is, no matter how much you love someone, if you want to be in a long term relationship you have to work at it. Now, whether he learns this with me or another woman, he will have to learn it or live his life alone with casual girlfriends. The older he gets the harder it will be to find these casual girlfriends. He loves his children and he loves me. Anyone can see he'd be better off at home with us , working on his marriage, rather than the option he has taken. He doesn't realise yet that financially he has also shot himself in the foot. He is still going on joint mortgage with me because I can't afford a house without him. So the children and I will have a lovely big house, and he will be paying me money for them too. He isn't earning loads of money and will not be able to afford to buy two houses. At the moment, he says he doesn't care about that. Once things are better financially for me, he will sign the house over to me. Although people have warned me that it may be a bad idea going joint mortgage with him, I feel that it's my best option. The children need a house and I cannot afford one alone. Besides the fact he has other assets tied up at the moment, but as long as we stay married, I can make a claim on them. I don't plan to, but it gives me something to work with if he becomes unfair to me and the children with regards to money and this house after it's bought.

 

I have thought this through and financially I'm better off. I'd just prefer him not to do this. Even after everything, it has only been two months and I am hoping that he will soon realise that he wants to be at home with me and the children, before it's too late. I have however, made the decision to start dating. That's not to say that I'm going to run out and find myself a man, but if I happen to meet someone I like, I will be dating them. I think that's the best way for me to move on. I go out with my friends more now and he stays with the children. I need to find and do something in my life for me and stop worrying about why he left, whether is is coming back soon, and whether he has slept with anyone else yet. We are separated and none of that is my business. I have to put it in my mind that he is not coming back and just get on with it!

[Meghead]

The separation isn't legal. I don't plan to make it so because he is providing for us financially with the shopping and bills etc, and also the house as I mentioned previously. I don't plan to divorce or do anything like that until I am able to support myself and the children. Besides the fact, it's only been 8 weeks and feels a bit soon to be thinking of all that stuff. If he does start to withhold financial support, then I shall have to look at the situation again.

[_Saffy_]

meg, i am on my own with three children, i am also mid degree, let me just reassure you that you CAN do this and you will be a better and stronger person for it in the end.................i know it doesnt feel that way right now.

 

if you wish to pm me, then please do so.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by _Saffy_

meg, i am on my own with three children, i am also mid degree, let me just reassure you that you CAN do this and you will be a better and stronger person for it in the end.................i know it doesnt feel that way right now.

 

if you wish to pm me, then please do so.

 

Saffy is a star

[_Saffy_]

Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo

Saffy is a star

 

maybe Romeo, but if that is true then i am surrounded by celestial angels, and i consider you to be one of the best