Krypton Posted March 21, 2014 Share Posted March 21, 2014 I have been married now for just gone 10 years (in February) but they have been the loneliest 10 years of my life and I have had enough... I have grown apart from my wife who I hardly ever see, we own a food business that but only she works there as we can not work together. She is there 6 days a week and gets home at 8.30-9pm at night, mondays when she is off I am working. When she gets home from work she just wants to sit and play online poker on her iPad (not for real money luckily). We have an 8 year old daughter who I have been the main caregiver for since she was two playing the role of mum and dad, I take her to school, pick her up, do homework with her, cook dinner, tidy up, do the laundry and housework, get her ready for bed and take her out places at the weekend, I work full time too. Apart from 2 (yes only 2) family holidays in the last 10 years, we have never had a weekend together or family outings anywhere, it has always just been me and daughter. Even when she is home, she makes no great effort to spend time with her daughter, she really doesn't know how to play with kids. I have voice recordings on my phone of my daughter crying and asking why her mummy doesn't play with her, it's heartbreaking 'Why don't you sell the business?' I hear you ask. Well even if we sold it (which by the way I have been trying to, but she is not putting in any effort) it wouldn't change how I feel about her. We have had separate rooms for over 6 years, I really just don't like being around her, I can't even have a conversation with her because she either doesn't listen, talks right over me or just thinks she knows everything so I don't even bother trying to talk any more. Soon after we bought the business in 2006 I saw her true colours, we were working together and I collapsed and was taken to hospital by ambulance (suspected heart attack). She didn't close up and come rushing to be at my side, she just carried on like nothing had happened and the next day when I was lying in a hospital bed hooked up to all these machines she is calling me up begging to get the doctors to let me out so I can go back to work ! I have never forgiven her for this, money being more important than my own life. I have so much resentment towards her for this and her general attitude especially towards our daughter. I can not ever see myself being happy with her and my head just spins and I feel dizzy when I think about leaving because I am more concerned about other peoples happiness than my own. If I leave I will not have my angel daughter in my life in the same capacity as I do now and as I have been both mum and dad to her since she was 2, that would hurt both me and daughter a lot. Also, a few years ago we moved to another country and here I have no friends or family ( I haven't had time to have a life), wife has family here but I would be totally alone with no support and the thought of that is a bit overwhelming too. Some people think I am honourable to stay, ( I don't know how I have lasted this long) and others including my family think I should get out. I feel like I have wasted the last 10 years of my life, I am never going to get those years back, I am almost 40 now and I just want a happy life, I also want more kids but I don't want them with her. Please, I am interested in hearing peoples thoughts, thank you for reading. Link to post Share on other sites
Phoe Posted March 21, 2014 Share Posted March 21, 2014 Wow, don't have any real advice but I wish the best outcome possible for you and your daughter. I can tell she means the world to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Krypton Posted March 21, 2014 Author Share Posted March 21, 2014 Thanks Phoe Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted March 21, 2014 Share Posted March 21, 2014 Sounds like you have already made your decision. What does she want? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Krypton Posted March 21, 2014 Author Share Posted March 21, 2014 She still loves me. In 2010 I told her then I wanted out, she begged me not to leave and asked for another chance which I gave her. Here I am 4 years later still unhappy. Link to post Share on other sites
dumped2013 Posted March 21, 2014 Share Posted March 21, 2014 File for divorce and go for full custody of your daughter. It is obvious that you are the loving parent. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
VanillaLife Posted March 21, 2014 Share Posted March 21, 2014 Sounds like you are in Australia and I have no idea what the legal system is like there so my first advice is get an attorney and understand your rights. You definitely sound like you need to leave her and keep custody of the child as best you can. Get the right advice, get out of the marriage, and looks to clubs, groups, activities and the like to start working your own new social network. I am not actually entirely dis-similar to you, we both live in a place where neither of us have family so when we split we will be pretty much on our own other than the friends we have made around here (and frankly I don't have many, so I am going to be in the same boat of trying to carve out a new social life - it's daunting but my focus right now is getting the divorce and kids done on my terms) Link to post Share on other sites
Mr.Milked Posted March 21, 2014 Share Posted March 21, 2014 I have been married now for just gone 10 years (in February) but they have been the loneliest 10 years of my life and I have had enough... I have grown apart from my wife who I hardly ever see, we own a food business that but only she works there as we can not work together. She is there 6 days a week and gets home at 8.30-9pm at night, mondays when she is off I am working. When she gets home from work she just wants to sit and play online poker on her iPad (not for real money luckily). We have an 8 year old daughter who I have been the main caregiver for since she was two playing the role of mum and dad, I take her to school, pick her up, do homework with her, cook dinner, tidy up, do the laundry and housework, get her ready for bed and take her out places at the weekend, I work full time too. Apart from 2 (yes only 2) family holidays in the last 10 years, we have never had a weekend together or family outings anywhere, it has always just been me and daughter. Even when she is home, she makes no great effort to spend time with her daughter, she really doesn't know how to play with kids. I have voice recordings on my phone of my daughter crying and asking why her mummy doesn't play with her, it's heartbreaking 'Why don't you sell the business?' I hear you ask. Well even if we sold it (which by the way I have been trying to, but she is not putting in any effort) it wouldn't change how I feel about her. We have had separate rooms for over 6 years, I really just don't like being around her, I can't even have a conversation with her because she either doesn't listen, talks right over me or just thinks she knows everything so I don't even bother trying to talk any more. Soon after we bought the business in 2006 I saw her true colours, we were working together and I collapsed and was taken to hospital by ambulance (suspected heart attack). She didn't close up and come rushing to be at my side, she just carried on like nothing had happened and the next day when I was lying in a hospital bed hooked up to all these machines she is calling me up begging to get the doctors to let me out so I can go back to work ! I have never forgiven her for this, money being more important than my own life. I have so much resentment towards her for this and her general attitude especially towards our daughter. I can not ever see myself being happy with her and my head just spins and I feel dizzy when I think about leaving because I am more concerned about other peoples happiness than my own. If I leave I will not have my angel daughter in my life in the same capacity as I do now and as I have been both mum and dad to her since she was 2, that would hurt both me and daughter a lot. Also, a few years ago we moved to another country and here I have no friends or family ( I haven't had time to have a life), wife has family here but I would be totally alone with no support and the thought of that is a bit overwhelming too. Some people think I am honourable to stay, ( I don't know how I have lasted this long) and others including my family think I should get out. I feel like I have wasted the last 10 years of my life, I am never going to get those years back, I am almost 40 now and I just want a happy life, I also want more kids but I don't want them with her. Please, I am interested in hearing peoples thoughts, thank you for reading.It's funny this life we have to live. I read your story and think to myself that this is the kind of woman I want to find. It seems as though you do not appreciate all she does for the family and maybe she does not appreciate all you do. Reads like a good candidate for good Christian family counseling to me. Seriously, I would love to play some online poker with my mate and would be ecstatic to have a woman pay the bills and allow me to continue and maintain the family due to my poor health. I guess the grass IS always greener. Link to post Share on other sites
KaliLove Posted March 21, 2014 Share Posted March 21, 2014 It's funny this life we have to live. I read your story and think to myself that this is the kind of woman I want to find. It seems as though you do not appreciate all she does for the family and maybe she does not appreciate all you do. Reads like a good candidate for good Christian family counseling to me. Seriously, I would love to play some online poker with my mate and would be ecstatic to have a woman pay the bills and allow me to continue and maintain the family due to my poor health. I guess the grass IS always greener. Did you miss the part where he says he works full time as well as providing full time child care and home maintenance and he gets no help or affection at all from her? Why wouldn't you be able to get primary custody OP? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr.Milked Posted March 21, 2014 Share Posted March 21, 2014 Did you miss the part where he says he works full time as well as providing full time child care and home maintenance and he gets no help or affection at all from her?Yes, I did miss that. Thanks. But I didn't miss this:"I have never forgiven her for this, money being more important than my own life." Now I'm curious what it is he does for full time work. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 21, 2014 Share Posted March 21, 2014 They own a food business. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr.Milked Posted March 21, 2014 Share Posted March 21, 2014 They own a food business. "we own a food business that but only she works there as we can not work together." Am I missing more? Please correct me if so. I enjoy being corrected. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted March 21, 2014 Share Posted March 21, 2014 He's a 'house-husband'.... in other words, he runs the home. Please believe me, as a 'home-maker' myself, trust me. The job is intense and full-time. Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted March 21, 2014 Share Posted March 21, 2014 Before you decide anything, you need to talk to your wife first. I would guess your communication is pretty poor. You probably think you are trying to communicate, but I would bet your wife has no idea how you a really thinking and feeling. Counselling would be a good option too. Although I don't doubt your version of events with your heart attack, I'd bet your wife has a totally different version of what happened over those couple of days. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Krypton Posted March 21, 2014 Author Share Posted March 21, 2014 "we own a food business that but only she works there as we can not work together." Am I missing more? Please correct me if so. I enjoy being corrected. I work full time, my income is more than my wife brings in, in fact the business that she runs is so quiet she spends most of her time there playing online poker too. Anyway, good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author Krypton Posted March 21, 2014 Author Share Posted March 21, 2014 Did you miss the part where he says he works full time as well as providing full time child care and home maintenance and he gets no help or affection at all from her? Why wouldn't you be able to get primary custody OP? Hi Kalilove, you are exactly right. Yes I think I maybe I can get full custody, usually the courts are on the side of the mother here but in my situation and affidavits from people who know me things might go my way. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
TAV Posted March 21, 2014 Share Posted March 21, 2014 Yes, you may have to share some of your daughter's time with your wife once you are divorced. I know that scares you. I've been there. But you said yourself your daughter needs some one on one time with her mother and hopefully she will get that once you are divorced. I agree with the other posters; you are a very good candidate for custody and she sounds too busy to even contest that in court. Ask yourself this too: What example are you setting your daughter? Is this the idea of marriage you want to instill in her? Do you want her to repeat this in her own life? Show her there is no shame in walking away once you tried and it does not work. There is no shame in choosing happiness. Your wife is either very unhappy too (online poker 24/7? Escapism?) or has some sort of depression. Either she does not take the initiative to work on. The last 10 yrs have been the loneliest of your life. I hope you make the next 10 happier. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Krypton Posted March 21, 2014 Author Share Posted March 21, 2014 Thanks. Though I enjoy being corrected by the female persuasion more. "Now I'm curious what it is he does for full time work." You did neglect to answer this though. Not that it is any of my business. Yes, you're right it's none of your business and irrelevant. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Krypton Posted March 21, 2014 Author Share Posted March 21, 2014 Yes, you may have to share some of your daughter's time with your wife once you are divorced. I know that scares you. I've been there. But you said yourself your daughter needs some one on one time with her mother and hopefully she will get that once you are divorced. I agree with the other posters; you are a very good candidate for custody and she sounds too busy to even contest that in court. Ask yourself this too: What example are you setting your daughter? Is this the idea of marriage you want to instill in her? Do you want her to repeat this in her own life? Show her there is no shame in walking away once you tried and it does not work. There is no shame in choosing happiness. Your wife is either very unhappy too (online poker 24/7? Escapism?) or has some sort of depression. Either she does not take the initiative to work on. The last 10 yrs have been the loneliest of your life. I hope you make the next 10 happier. TAV Exactly, they are my concerns too... how my daughter pictures a marriage and a family unit. In her eyes, mum and dad sleep in separate rooms and is normal. Wife seems very happy, playing online poker or watching movies on her laptop and ignoring her family is okay to her and far more important than playing dress up or spending quality time with her daughter. Link to post Share on other sites
TAV Posted March 21, 2014 Share Posted March 21, 2014 TAV Exactly, they are my concerns too... how my daughter pictures a marriage and a family unit. In her eyes, mum and dad sleep in separate rooms and is normal. Wife seems very happy, playing online poker or watching movies on her laptop and ignoring her family is okay to her and far more important than playing dress up or spending quality time with her daughter. Very frustrating, I know. But remember that she has a fantastic dad My mother and grandmothers all stayed in long unhappy marriages. For a long time I did the same because it taught me you stay no matter what. I have 2 girls too and it dawned on me that I may be setting them up for the same, so I broke the cycle. It has not been easy but all my fears about losing the bond that I had with my children before the divorce never materialized. We are as strong as ever. Stronger even I'd say. You are a good father; you will guide her through it and come out stronger too. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Krypton Posted March 22, 2014 Author Share Posted March 22, 2014 Thanks TAV, I appreciate your comments 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Krypton Posted March 22, 2014 Author Share Posted March 22, 2014 "It seems to me that you are just looking for the usual 'You Go Girl' kind of attitude and really have nothing to share or discuss." I have plenty to discuss but not with you, you have already made your judgement on my life and situation. Good luck with your own life Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted March 22, 2014 Share Posted March 22, 2014 The only thing I see is that everything is her fault.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Krypton Posted March 22, 2014 Author Share Posted March 22, 2014 The only thing I see is that everything is her fault.... Actually, I feel everything is my fault for marrying her in the first place. We did kind of rush into it and I take blame for that. I have learnt you can't change people's personalities and I think it would be unfair to try and do so. I have tried to accept and live with who she is. Is it my fault that I can't accept that she doesn't know how to be a mother ? I put myself in this situation so yes it's all my fault. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 What, if anything has been done in an attempt to repair the marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
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