I'm a self concious dude, So Is She....It's a wreck sometimes...

[confused & Dazed]

Kind of a relationship problem, but It could be mental.......

 

I have a great Fiance, Been with her for 6 years. She's quiet, Kinda

self concious about her looks,(she's beautiful) an all around sweet girl

who loves me very much, I mean she REALLY loves me. She tells me all the time

and leaves me little notes, gives me tons of kisses....cooks me cute dinners all

the time.. But for herself she lacks good solid self-esteem and Self Worth.

 

So were kinda

similar, me on the stronger side, but Both quiet by nature in the company

of those we don't know. I try and try to work on my self-concious behavior,

she doesn't even try. She can be super silly and loud around me or her close

friends, but around my folks or people she doesn;t know she is a MOUSE.

She DREADS, going places where a friend of mine will be, afraid she'll say the

wrong thing or hanging with anyone, other than me that she doesn't know.

[color=darkred]We broke up once for a few months so she could live on her own and be indie

of me and do her own thing, party, be with friends, since we had been together so long

24/7 pretty much....but she came back because

she loved me so much and I LOVE her. Then I proposed 4 months later. She was so happy and

still is...She's still buying tons and tons of wedding mags and talking "babies" and honeymoons...[/color]

 

HERE"S MY PROB......Since she's kinda moody at times because she's bored or maybe she's having a bad day

I'll ask her whats wrong.

If she's being quiet, I'll ask if she's okay. (*Whenever she gets really quiet, Usually something is

up, cuz she has a problem talking about what's bugging her). Recently, She's starting to get

pissed at me for asking so much. She won't yell, Never has...But she'll just stop talking...

But I feel i'm only asking cuz I care. She says If I ask her if

something is wrong, and she says nothing is wrong, She gets pissed off at me for asking her.

 

But shouldn't that be a sign right there that something is wrong? Today I went home at lunch, came in with a big smile and she

seemed down, We hugged, We kissed and then I asked what was wrong ..she said nothing. I said Are you sure, and she just got quiet and

didn't talk to me for an hour while I was eating. Why Did she give me the silent treatment? Her excuse

was because She was mad that I asked right away what was wrong, when nothing was wrong to begin with.

I asked her why she gives me the silent treatment. She says that's just the way she is and I should know

that by now, which I do, But I wonder why the heck she can't just explain that she's fine. If you'd see her

reaction whenever I ask, you'd think she was hiding something...

 

I'm just starting to get really sick and tired of having to constantly build her up or not being able to go out

anywhere with friends, because she's so hung up on her looks or looking stupid and feeling worthless,

even though I TELL HER CONSTANTLY how much she means to me and How much I love her and

How Beautiful she is........

 

We're supposed to be getting married soon, but she doesn;t seem to want to change at all. I mean, I;'m

a mouse at times too...But at least I Work On it... It's really driving me batty and i'm wondering If maybe

i'm pushing her too much or maybe I should just chill out and Not Ask her if she's okay, if she seems down

just because I'm insecure or worried she's unhappy being with me....I just don't want to lose her, maybe that's

why I ask so much.....Maybe I;'m too insecure....

 

Is it me???

[Spira]

You should tell her (and hopefully she will realize) that you are asking because you are concerned about her and you care what she is feeling. A lot of people would not have the good patience and concern that you have, and I think that she should appreciate it. She is probably just very absorbed in her personal problems and because of that takes you the wrong way. But it seems like over-all you have a good relationship with her and should be able to talk about this and work it out.

 

At the same time, she should be willing to go through the process of changing those not-so-good aspects of herself to become a more open and confident person. Not only will it help your relationship, but she will also be a lot happier with herself. Maybe these are things that you should talk about with her.

[GirlDown]

people constantly asking me what's wrong gets on my nerves, especially when nothing is wrong. it's almost like "does something have to be wrong just because i don't have a huge fake smile plastered on my face?"

 

it's nice that you're concerned, but concern can be annoying when it's constant and there's no reason for it.

 

just leave her alone.

 

let her know that if something is wrong, she can talk to you. then stop talking about it and bugging her.

[confused & Dazed]

It's just me Being Insecure and worrying all the damn time.

 

I talked to her and Yeah, It's my problem. She says she gets

annoyed that I always ask and won't let up. It's a problem, I

need to deal with. I ask in a nice way, but I let it affect my

comfort and attitude, then I get down with ehr, even thogh,

well, yeah, I know it's something I need to work on...

 

Thanks all.

[hugznkisses21]

I am going through the same thing dazed. I love my bf with all me heart and he loves me but i am insecure too and I always ask whats wrong cause im sooo afraid its me or we are going to be over....but in reality it has nothing to do with me moods may change and it not nessesarity your fault. Just a bad day or whatever. But i feel my insecurity is driving him nuts or driving him away. I am working on trying to love myself and build enough confuidence that I dont need his reassurance all the time cause I know he loves me i dont NEED to hear it...but i did cause i wasnt secure. But i am working on this starting now after we have quite a fight last night over this I am changing cause i want him i my life and I want to be confident in myself

[confused & Dazed]

[color=darkblue]Crazy.. I guess there are a lot of us out there.

 

I mean, I try. I try really hard not to be insecure or

quiet and a lot of times, maybe 75 percent of the time,

i'm pretty assertive and sure of myself. That other 25%,

i'm super insecure and nervous with a head full of worry.

 

I don't want to lose my girl and since I second guess myself

a lot of the time, I need to know that she's okay and Happy

with me, even though I know I'm super-good to her, I spoil her,

I pamper her, I'm always telling her I love her, Buying her flowers,

leaving little notes, etc. As much As I do, I'm still insecure.

 

And she's the same way. She can be sure of herself one minute but...

As much as I tell her she's the most beautiful

thing on this earth, she still worries about going out, if she's wearing

the right thing, if she looks ugly etc etc. She lacks that confidence and

always asks if I still love her, If I still think she's beautiful, apologizes for

looking frumpy or ugly in her jammies with no make-up etc.

 

So you can see how it's a Double Trouble kinda situation. But we really

love each other a lot. As long as we have that Communication worked out

and we both learnt o chill out and build our self-confidence, We should be

fine.[/color]

[Beth]

Maybe the 'something wrong' that you sense is not coming from her, but from you. If you feel this in your relationship now it may only get worse after marriage. This is something that you really need to understand and work on now. You may have to accept that she is not going to participate is parts of your life that you enjoy - like family gatherings or going out with friends. Some couples can deal with that, others split up because of it. You two really need to communicate about this now and reach some compromises that will satisfy both of you.

 

Stop asking her - it's up to her to tell you if something is bothering her or if she is not feeling well, etc. If you ask her "how was your day?" and she says it was fine, leave it at that. Just from reading your posts I get the feeling it may escalate into one of those "If you don't know what's wrong, I'm not going to tell you" situations where she lets her feelings get hurt and blames it on you.

 

You can't change someone else. I know you have probably heard that many times before, but maybe you haven't realized what all that statement encompasses. You can not give her good self-esteem. People with really low self-esteem have to find their own way to improve -- it comes from within, not without. You can't 'fix' her. She has to want to make self-improvements and all you can do, when she is ready - IF she is ready, is help her find the resources to help herself, like counseling, or classes. Encourage HER efforts - don't make the efforts yourself -- they will be wasted.

 

Some pre-marital counseling may help you both in dealing with some issues, but it sounds like the core of the problem is within her. As much as you love her, she may not be the right person for you, or you for her.

[newby]

i dont think its a case of not being right for each other at all but possibly may be about timing. are you both quite young, i know lots of couples who have been together from a young age and started off feeling this way, first one felt insecure then the other or both etc

the best thing to do is to make sure you both have things outside of the relationship that give you confidence, it could be a class or it could be actually getting help like reiki or yoga or meditation,

if you have read the book 'the celestine prophesy' it says an interesting thing about relationships in there,

something to do with energy and how when two people first get together they give each other positive energy and both feel really good but over a short period of time they begin to take energy from each other more than give it (despite the fact that you feel you are trying to make her feel better that can still be draining for her because she might feel she has failed and that is why you keep having to try, she might feel that you dont like her being miserable bcause YOU dont like it) so without fresh energy coming in both partners feel drained and worse and less confident, therefore to make a really successful marriage or relationship you have to work on doing this yourself outside of it.

i dont know if it is a good idea to ask her to do this though if she is already feeling pressured,

maybe just buy the book and both of you read it