Is partners ex being unreasonable?

[Katy77]

Apologies for the lengthy post but here goes. I really would appreciate if no one gives me a hard time as the 'other woman'.

Me and my other half met around 7 years ago but he was married with 2 young children. To cut a very long story short we tried to fight our feelings but eventually we did become a couple and he left his wife and 2 children to be with me. Since then we have been very happy and his ex has found a new man so she is moving on. However... the ex has now decided that as me and my partner have just had a baby that she wants a divorce (she refused it before). However she is being very unreasonable about the settlement first of all agreeing and then disagreeing with what has been agreed. My partner since he left has paid 2/3 of his salary (monthly) to her to help cover costs but understandably he doesn't feel able to, or want to commit to that level going forward as its unsustainable. she on the other hand wants the same monthly amount, a % of his bonus every year, his % equity in the house to be reduced and for him to extend his monthly payment to cover any shortfall she may not be able to cover if she leaves her job, to cover the children's independent school fees.* She also won't confirm exactly what the school fees are and we can't find out as they are discounted so we are paying money but not sure what its covering.

Put simply we cannot afford to pay what she wants and don't feel its justified anyway. if we agreed to it then our son would not be able to do any swimming lessons whilst the other 2 would continue to do their fun classes / activities at weekends / after school.

 

I appreciate she feels like the wronged party and wants us to suffer but she needs to be realistic. I love their children very much and treat them as my own when they spend every other weekend but I am not prepared for my son to suffer. on another note while we struggle to make ends meet some months she goes abroad at least 3 times a year and takes the girls on holiday in Easter and Summer. We can only manage 1 week a year for all of us.

 

I might sound bitter - I am not,* but I just want an ending which is fair to all the children - who after all are the most important people in this

[RightThere]

Child support and alimony is between your partner and his ex. It has nothing to do with you.

 

So to answer your question, is your partner's ex being unreasonable? It's really not your business.

 

Fairness is determined by the courts. If your partner thinks it's unfair, he needs to let the court or a mediator decide then. She is entitled to something. You are really only getting his side of the story. Don't think for a second that you are getting the whole story from your partner.

 

Any by the way, congrats on your new baby. Sincerely.

[Katy77]

As I said I didn't want judging. And hate to say it but it does have something to do with me when she is asking for details of my income and it looks as if she has some grand idea she is entitled to that to. And we will be going to court - not out of spite (whatever anyone thinks we dont want her or the children to be in a bad situation) but because it has to be fair to everyone. Oh and should have said that I have met her / been copied into all correspondence because my wages are now being pursued i have an interest in it to. So yes I do know the whole story.. I was just suprised that she wanta more than she was getting already which is double what the child maintenance will be calculated as by the CSA.

[RightThere]

As I said I didn't want judging. And hate to say it but it does have something to do with me when she is asking for details of my income and it looks as if she has some grand idea she is entitled to that to. And we will be going to court - not out of spite (whatever anyone thinks we dont want her or the children to be in a bad situation) but because it has to be fair to everyone. Oh and should have said that I have met her / been copied into all correspondence because my wages are now being pursued i have an interest in it to. So yes I do know the whole story.. I was just suprised that she wanta more than she was getting already which is double what the child maintenance will be calculated as by the CSA.

 

I'm not judging you. And I stand by my "it has nothing to do with you."

 

As for your income, you are right, she doesn't need it. But that goes back to my "it has nothing to do with you."

 

And my understanding is that child maintenance is basically the minimum. Also has nothing to do with alimony. But those are calculated based on your partner's levels and his ex's needs. Once again, nothing to do with you.

 

I'm sure she is being a bit spiteful, but can you blame her? But regardless of that, you think you know the whole story based on correspondence, but there is no way you can know her side of the story unless you've lived it or she's told it to you. I'd bet neither has happened.

 

I don't think you came here for honest opinions. You came her to find people to reinforce what you think is right. Honesty isn't judgement.

[Katy77]

Hey. Listen I'm sorry if you have taken what I have said the wrong way or if what I have said has come across not how intended. I appreciate that she has the right to pursue him for what she feels is right - my God most people would. my point is that I just wanted an opinion. I get what you say that it is non of my business as they were married to each other and I was nothing to do with that, but surely on the same premise my wages then have nothing to do with her? I am nothing to her in the marriage sense.

I am in the UK and here as she is the main wage earner he does not pay alimony to her except reasonably in terms of their old home. the childcare calculation is based crudely on a formula and is for the kids only. as I said he is paying over the highest basis of calculation. I have met with her as i was asked to shortly before this all kicked off and she did tell me her side of the story so i do think i have an understanding though of course i wasnt married to either of them.

I just wanted to get opinions that was all and believe me it was never about who was right or wrong in that sebse but obviously that's the way its been interpreted.

[RightThere]

Hey. Listen I'm sorry if you have taken what I have said the wrong way or if what I have said has come across not how intended. I appreciate that she has the right to pursue him for what she feels is right - my God most people would. my point is that I just wanted an opinion. I get what you say that it is non of my business as they were married to each other and I was nothing to do with that, but surely on the same premise my wages then have nothing to do with her? I am nothing to her in the marriage sense.

I am in the UK and here as she is the main wage earner he does not pay alimony to her except reasonably in terms of their old home. the childcare calculation is based crudely on a formula and is for the kids only. as I said he is paying over the highest basis of calculation. I have met with her as i was asked to shortly before this all kicked off and she did tell me her side of the story so i do think i have an understanding though of course i wasnt married to either of them.

I just wanted to get opinions that was all and believe me it was never about who was right or wrong in that sebse but obviously that's the way its been interpreted.

 

If I was unclear before, I do agree with you that your income is irrelevant to their childcare costs (or even any potential alimony for that matter). If you don't have lawyers involved at this point, you should because they will clear that up.

[BeingMe]

So, it is none of your business what agreement they reach about the financials of ending their marriage. They are married to each other, not to you.

 

The court looks at the financial needs of the children of the marriage first, including their standard of living before the separation. They then look at the financial needs of both parents...and this takes into account whether they have a partner who is earning & contributing to their household needs. That is the only reason your earnings are being brought into this. You are not expected to pay her. But her husband is expected to come to a fair settlement...which may not be what you would like.

 

If the children are resident with her, then she would normally be granted a higher proportion of equity in the house (if there is sufficient to allow both parties to sell up and still buy somewhere suitable for the children, if not, he would be expected to allow her to live in the house until the children are at least 18,AND pay at least half the mortgage).

 

They will also look at pensions and do a pension split, so that both parties have equal pension,taking ihto account future earning capability,and time given up to look after children etc...often the main childcarer will be given a higher% by the court...or will have this offset as a higher % of equity in the house.

 

Then if they have been married for a medium-long time 10-15 years or more,she will probably be entitled to spousal support,at least until the children are 18, especially if they are currently at independent school with all the extra costs that entails.

 

This is nothing to do with you. It's all about their standard of living while married and making sure the children of the marriage do not lose out.