Lilly-Anne Posted March 21, 2014 Share Posted March 21, 2014 I have this weird relationship thingy. We were friends for years, but recently started getting really close and we're not really sure if we should remain friends or start dating. We have kissed and had sex, but we still can go back. I have developed strong feelings for my friend. I have to admit, I fell in love with him. He said he loves me, but he's afraid. It's 6 months since he went through a bad break up after three years of a difficult relationship (the first woman he got to know, he was always very shy and aloof). He's afraid all women are like that, that all relationships work like the one he got out of, he's afraid of everything about me that reminds him of his ex (dosen't help I'm good friends with her as well. Both of them are nice people, but when put together... too much drama). I'm not really sure how to act. I'm very careful not to pressure him, but I myself would just like a bit more contact and progress. I'm not particulary comfortable with this unresolved position we're in now. I feel that when he contacts me it's difficult for him and he keeps asking if I have the time, if I really want to talk to him and things like that. It's like this with everything, every step he takes towards me. I have the impression that he likes when I take initiative and I would be OK with that except - how much initiative is too much from a girl? I don't have any of the barriers he does and I don't want to overdo it and end up chasing him around. What do you think of the whole thing? I'm just confused. I really would like this to finally have some definition and shape instead of the ever present "isn't this too much?" that is going on from both sides... I would like to see him more often, for example... we live in different cities (45 minutes on the train, but it's not really cheap), which makes things complicated. Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted March 21, 2014 Share Posted March 21, 2014 he is not far enough out of his past relationship to be ready for a new one with you. if you were truly close friends he wouldn't be shy or hesitant, but the sex and being together would strengthen the bond you already had in place and move the relationship forward. the fact that he doesn't even want to move forward with you despite a friendship and history is a bad sign. and you shouldn't be making all the effort (ie train) to go see him, it should feel very reciprocal. the best part of hooking up with a friend is how wonderful the feelings are when they become elevated to love - it gets better, not worse. the fact that you're not getting better with him isn't good. and now that you've told him how you feel he will use that to keep you around without having to give much back. you'll never go back to friends; once you've had sex with a friend it's very difficult, especially since you say you love him, even more difficult. and you're a reminder of the past if you remain friends with his ex; you have to have loyalty to him if it's going to work, so the friendship with her would need to be cut, imo Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lilly-Anne Posted March 21, 2014 Author Share Posted March 21, 2014 he is not far enough out of his past relationship to be ready for a new one with you. if you were truly close friends he wouldn't be shy or hesitant, but the sex and being together would strengthen the bond you already had in place and move the relationship forward. the fact that he doesn't even want to move forward with you despite a friendship and history is a bad sign. and you shouldn't be making all the effort (ie train) to go see him, it should feel very reciprocal. the best part of hooking up with a friend is how wonderful the feelings are when they become elevated to love - it gets better, not worse. the fact that you're not getting better with him isn't good. and now that you've told him how you feel he will use that to keep you around without having to give much back. you'll never go back to friends; once you've had sex with a friend it's very difficult, especially since you say you love him, even more difficult. and you're a reminder of the past if you remain friends with his ex; you have to have loyalty to him if it's going to work, so the friendship with her would need to be cut, imo It's not like all the effort comes from my side, he takes an active part almost as often as I do (and while mine are small hints, he's a lot more direct). But that's mainly because I'm holding back. On average, we're seeing each other every two weeks, chat from time to time and phone about once a week (for 4 hours on average It's great talking to him). I feel wonderful at those times. But later the insecurity kicks in. That's probably the reason I feel I want more contact - the current situation isn't exactly what I'd call stable. He often takes the opportunity to discuss the possibility of really getting together. He was almost in tears when he talked about his feelings but also that he can't just jump into it like that. That we should allow things progress naturally. OK. I know it will take time. I'm willing to put the effort towards making him feel safe enough with me. It's worth it. But it's quite difficult, I value feeling safe and secure in a relationship very highly and it's probably not happening anytime soon... I'm not afraid we couldn't go back to being friends. I have some experience regarding that - it takes a certain attitude and way of thinking on both sides, but it's possible -and if there were only two people in the world who could, we'd be those people. Well, he's still friends with his ex, I don't think I should need to cut the ties unless he does Link to post Share on other sites
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