Unsure about asking for assistance

[eleanorrigby]

Things have gotten very bad in my marriage the last two years. But the story feels too convoluted to explain exactly how we got here. So I'm not sure if I'll be able to do that, but there is no physical abuse, no verbal abuse, no drugs, no infidelity (this time) that we are dealing with. It's him and his drama and it is ruining our lives.

 

I'm millimeters from rock bottom and thinking of leaving, but I need help to get out and on my feet if I want to leave right now. If I decide to do things on my own, I'd have to stay for a year or longer, with him most likely cock blocking my efforts the entire time and/or trying to convince me that things are going to get better, or whatever kind of dramarama people have living with a person they are angry with and intending to leave.

 

Also things are about to get even worse soon and I'm already at the end of my rope and can't imagine trying to tough this out anymore then I have already and still salvage anything out of this relationship for the future.

 

I'm angry, furiously angry, with our situation and his response to it.

But, I still love him. I'm not sure if I want a divorce, but I know I don't want to live the way we are living anymore. I'd like to leave and let him figure his crap out and/or self destruct by himself. He is dragging me to hell.

 

 

My mom would help me out right now if I asked her to. She would set me up in an apt. Pay my first and last, and retain an attorney for me.

 

But I don't have the best relationship with my mother either, if I invoke my "get out of jail free" card with her, she will begin to take over my life and I will feel helpless to stop her. This is our dynamic and I don't feel equipped or ready to combat it now. She loves me but she's very controlling, domineering and she knows what is best for me. I'll feel indebted to her, and not just for the money. She'd never even ask me to pay it back, so it wouldn't be that.

 

Also I feel that if I accepted her help, I would not be able to try to reengage with my husband and attempt a reconciliation if he got his shote together in the future, and we both wanted one. She would be furious and feel betrayed if she helped me out of this situation and I went back to him one day, and I don't blame her.

 

If I were sure I was 100% done with him, I'd email her now and be at her house tomorrow. But I'm not sure.

 

All I'm sure about is that I can't tolerate life like this much longer.