I miss what I threw away

[BeccaCurts]

I've been browsing these threads for the past few days and though I've gained a lot of great insight, I do feel worse and worse about my situation. I hope I can get some great advice...

 

I dated my ex boyfriend for roughly 2 years. We went through the honeymoon phase, we got used to each other, and a few months before the BU I like I was tolerating it. He's a great guy, very loving and kind to everyone, etc. I thought that this was the guy I would marry someday. I started to get GIGs. I wasn't seeing or talking to anyone, but wanted to do something new.

 

So after I broke up with him about 1.5 months ago, I went out on dates with a couple of guys. Of course getting to know new people was fun, but I felt deep down something was missing. I wouldn't say I was comparing, but the guys lacked that special chemistry I had with my ex BF.

 

My ex BF hasn't spoken to me at all. He could be dead and I wouldn't even know it. Okay... a bit exaggerated, but that should show you how much I don't know what's going on with him. I feel guilty about breaking his heart. The saying "you don't what you have until it's gone" is hitting me very hard.

 

I don't know what to do.

[sooshi]

You mentioned that he hasn't spoken to you at all. Is this even after initiating contact with him, or have you not done this?

 

Perhaps he needs some space, or feels embarrassed/humiliated, and/or feels like he should leave you alone and let you live your life. There could be many reasons for why he hasn't spoken to you.

 

When you say you were tolerating the relationship, what do you mean? It sounds like you got bored towards the end, and wanted to experience a high-type feeling that you weren't experiencing with him, and so ended it because you longed to feel that way but didn't get it with him. Maybe you loved him, but weren't "in love" with him (that's how my ex-fiance felt about me, and I think that's the main reason why he chose to leave me. He wasn't in love with me, even though he tried and wanted to feel that way). If that's what happened, it might've been very embarrassing to him. It was embarrassing for me.

[BeccaCurts]

You mentioned that he hasn't spoken to you at all. Is this even after initiating contact with him, or have you not done this?

 

Perhaps he needs some space, or feels embarrassed/humiliated, and/or feels like he should leave you alone and let you live your life. There could be many reasons for why he hasn't spoken to you.

 

When you say you were tolerating the relationship, what do you mean? It sounds like you got bored towards the end, and wanted to experience a high-type feeling that you weren't experiencing with him, and so ended it because you longed to feel that way but didn't get it with him. Maybe you loved him, but weren't "in love" with him (that's how my ex-fiance felt about me, and I think that's the main reason why he chose to leave me. He wasn't in love with me, even though he tried and wanted to feel that way). If that's what happened, it might've been very embarrassing to him. It was embarrassing for me.

 

Sorry I should've been a bit more clear. When I say he hasn't contacted me, I believe he switched onto NC right after we broke up. I have not heard from him. As for contacting him? I haven't. I'm scared to be completely honest. I mean I broke his heart, I know he wouldn't want to talk. He has a very strong personality.

 

And yes when I said I was "tolerating" the relationship, I did get bored. I waited for my feelings to change but they didn't.

 

But lately I've been struggling with my decision.

[Strength in Healing]

The sad part is, people fall in and out of love. The fact is, as was told to me by many successfully married people, is the key is not doing it at the same time... or not giving in.

 

I'm in a very similar situation. My ex of 4 years did the same. I wonder if she feels the same as you, but probably not. Though I wish she did, as the anger I had is fading.

 

So perhaps he feels the same as me.

[pickflicker]

You said you weren't seeing or talking to anyone. Did you ditch your friends for your relationship?

[jphcbpa]

Do you want to try again or are you just missing something familiar?

[Conners]

You said you weren't seeing or talking to anyone. Did you ditch your friends for your relationship?

 

How is this a helpful reply?

She clearly means that she wasn't seeing or talking to any other guy while she was still in a relationship.

[BeccaCurts]

You said you weren't seeing or talking to anyone. Did you ditch your friends for your relationship?

 

Sorry. I meant I wasn't talking to any new guys. I got GIGs in terms of moving on to newer things and from that I'd run into someone new.

 

I don't know what and where my ex is in regards to the BU. I know he's hurt, but I don't know what steps I should take.

[sooshi]

Becca, you probably felt like he didn't fulfill you. That's what my ex-fiance said (to my best friend,, not to me). He struggled with his lack of feelings for me, too, and it caused him a lot of frustration and stress that he didn't feel that way.

 

If this guy really means as much to you as I sense, then go for it. Contact him. Let him know about how you've been feeling. He may not want to talk, but give it a shot if you feel it's in your heart to do so, and see what happens. You may not end up together again, but maybe at least you can have the possibility of being in each other's lives again (which seems like something you'd like to have).

[Mr.Pine]

 

If this guy really means as much to you as I sense, then go for it. Contact him. Let him know about how you've been feeling. He may not want to talk, but give it a shot if you feel it's in your heart to do so, and see what happens. You may not end up together again, but maybe at least you can have the possibility of being in each other's lives again (which seems like something you'd like to have).

 

No, no, no, no and more no.

 

What have we been discussing on these boards since the beginning of time? We advocated NO CONTACT if you are dumped. Becca's ballsy boyfriend is doing just that. Why give him breadcrumbs, because that is EXACTLY what you will be doing if you don't, and I quote from hundreds and hundreds of posts here, tell him you are sorry, you miss him and you still very much love him and want to get back together. That last part is the most important part. He has to know you WANT TO GET BACK TOGETHER WITH HIM. Anything less from Becca's lips can and will be considered a damn breadcrumb to the boyfriend.

 

So, to recap...

 

Becca, you can choose option A: Leave him alone and respect his decision to go NC.

 

Or option B: Call or text or email (preferably a text or phone call) and tell him you have had time to think about the relationship. That you miss him terribly and still love him and you want to get back together.

 

Voila.

[singme2sleep]

OP- I say life is short and don't hold back from contacting him out of fear. If you really love him then it's worth a shot. But you should be sure that you won't get G.I.G.S again because we dumpees are fragile especially in the first few months. Good luck!

[sooshi]

Fair enough, Mr. Pine. But sometimes having no contact could hinder the presence of an important friendship in one's life. I don't know exactly what it is that Becca wants. Yes, it could be "breadcrumbs" that she'd be feeding him, and I hope it's not. I don't know if she'd be willing to have a friendship and if her ex would be willing to have the same. I don't know. I don't know what it is they want.

 

I just feel for her, so I spoke with my heart rather than from what the forum advocates.

[Mr.Pine]

Fair enough, Mr. Pine. But sometimes having no contact could hinder the presence of an important friendship in one's life. I don't know exactly what it is that Becca wants. Yes, it could be "breadcrumbs" that she'd be feeding him, and I hope it's not. I don't know if she'd be willing to have a friendship and if her ex would be willing to have the same. I don't know. I don't know what it is they want.

 

I just feel for her, so I spoke with my heart rather than from what the forum advocates.

 

I feel ya. If Becca just wants to soothe her grieving and guilty soul, she needs to respect his NC space.

 

If she wants to rekindle, she MUST tell him she wants to get back together. Otherwise, Breadcrumbville.

[iDrumKing]

From the sounds of it, she sounds like she wants to reconnect.

 

Becca, if you do you have to be sooooooooooooo straight up honest with him.

[sooshi]

I also think Becca wants to reconnect. And I agree with IDK: be as honest as you possibly can if you do contact him.

[Keenly]

I'm sorry if you don't find this helpful but I want to try and help you see every possible angle in this situation.

 

Let me start off by saying I do not believe there is any malicious intent by either your intentions or your actions.

 

I think you just weren't feeling it anymore, and you broke up with him. Once you went out to try and find something new, and you are seeing how much of a pain in the ass it is. I beleove if you got back with him, it might be good for 3 months maybe six. I believe you will get bored again, and find yourself in a situation where you either break up with him again, or become a martyr and suffer either because you feel like you deserve it or you beleove dating is too difficult.

 

 

Either way , I do not believe you should contact him. If he wants you back as bad as you want him, you will know.

[Sugarkane]

He hasn't contacted you because he's the dumpee. As the dumpee he probably doesn't want to lose his dignity, be ignored or laughed at. It's not up to him to contact you- you're the dumper.

[lamis]

I agree that you should contact him if this is how you are feeling, but I would add the caveat that you should be 100% (or as close as possible) sure about how you are feeling. My fiancée left me a week ago for similar reasons, and as much as I still love her, I would not take her back without a damn-near guarantee that I don't have to endure all of these doubts in the future, or at least that she will be willing to work harder on them, and so on. This is because I would also be worried that it would happen again.

[sooshi]

lamis, my fiancé left my for similar reasons as well. Wasn't in love with me, and didn't feel fulfilled as a result. My thinking is that nobody else can fulfill you. The way we feel is entirely our responsibility and our perception. Notice how we can feel in love one moment, and just not attracted another. Sometimes I think this is all an illusion.

 

So, I agree that Becca's ex would feel worried that this would happen again if she were to contact him with a complete desire to reconcile their romantic relationship. I would feel like it'd probably happen again, too.

[BeccaCurts]

I ended up calling him. He didn't pick up.

[sooshi]

Did you leave a message?

 

What were you calling him to tell him? You don't have to say, but I'm sure you were going to be completely honest with him/sure about how you feel and what you want.

Edited March 23, 2014 by sooshi

[BeccaCurts]

Did you leave a message?

 

What were you calling him to tell him? You don't have to say, but I'm sure you were going to be completely honest with him/sure about how you feel and what you want.

 

I wanted to talk to him about the BU with hopes of him wanting to work on things. Like I said he's very stern and I don't know how to get pass that.

 

He begged and pleaded for me to give him a chance, I said no. Now I understand if he hates me

[maturityassets]

Give it some time. If he is a dumpee reading these type of forums or getting advice from friends then he is probably following the advice of not responding immediately. If you are serious about working on things and he hasn't called back call him again in a few of days

[oracle]

I think I would give it more time.

 

Get grounded being alone first (6mos - 1 year)... and see if you feel the same way. Remember, this isn't about missing him.. Its about "do you love him in the way that he can be your spouse for the rest of your life?"

 

The earliest reactions are not always the best ones to follow.

 

Just because you haven't found something new and great to replace it with, doesn't mean you aren't better off setting him free. Sometimes living alone is better than tolerating someone, and besides, he deserves more than to just be tolerated.

 

I think dumpers and dumpees panic when new experiences and people feel like they are missing key aspects that were once there. Of course they will! You can never replace people!! When doors, close.. new ones open, and not necessarily new relationships, but new ways of living your life. Things will never be the same, but they will always be different - and there is no guarantee that it is always for the better.

 

I have some homework for YOU and ANYONE ELSE who is reading this and currently dealing with the loss of something in their lives right now. I want you to all watch the movie "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel" tonight. It deals primarily with seniors transitioning to the autumn of their lives and how they are coping with loss and change on varying levels. There is some absolute solid gold writing there, with quotes narrated by Judi Dench that will resonate with anyone dealing with life changing losses. Trust me, it will hit home and remind you that after all - all of life, is a process of letting go.

[DontBreakEven]

If he wants you back as bad as you want him, you will know.

 

 

Uhhhhh, completely and totally disagree. I am the dumpee and I want my ex back 100%. And she has heard nothing but CRICKETS from me for over 2 months ... no indication on social media .. NOTHING. Most people who are dumped and get their heart broken of course want it back, but they don't go chasing after the person who just walked away from them -- nothing good will come of that but rejection and more rejection. You are completely false in this statement. 9 times out of 10 in this situation, and within this time frame, he still wants her back. And she will not hear a WORD about that from him. It is up to her to contact him .. she is the one who walked away. He is protecting himself right now. I mean seriously.