Where do you draw the line?

[ladyrunner21]

I'm hoping someone out there can help, because I really have no idea what to do anymore.

 

Let me first start by saying that this is my first serious relationship, and it's with "the one that got away". We somehow managed to reconnect and decided that rather than lose each other again, we would stick it out through a LDR. He's two hours behind me by clock and more than two provinces away. It costs at least a grand to fly from one of us to the other, and that's only one way. The good news is that come July, we'll be moving in together to start working on building a life.

 

The problem I'm having is the absolute sporadic communication we have going. I'm not clingy by any means (yes I know, you've heard it before), but I do have certain things I do and certain habits I have that are not working with the sporadic communication. For example, I'm a gym bunny who likes to be up at six to do her workout, which means early nights. Unfortunately, I'm also the kind of person who is willing to sacrifice her sleep in case her boyfriend decides to call. I work late too, so I know there's only a small window of about two hours when people can reach me at night before I go to bed.

 

Some weeks he calls every other day. Other times he'll either text or call every day. Then there's the twice a week calls. Sometimes it's once a week. Is this typical of LDR boyfriends? Sometimes I feel he's calling just to make sure I'm still alive before he goes off again. I know he doesn't mean to be making me feel this way. He's an absolutely wonderful guy. He's just a little all over the place.

 

I guess what I'm asking is, if everything else in the relationship is okay, then should I let it go? I keep reading different advice about how some people in LDRs should talk every day, but then again it's different for every couple... I know there's no set answer. If he only wanted to talk once a week, I'd be fine with that, as long as I have an idea of when that would be so I can make sure that time is free for him.

 

Talking to him is a priority for me because we have so little else. But in return, sometimes I just don't feel like I matter. And that, I know, is not okay.

 

We've been at this LDR since September, and we only have until July before we can finally start building something together. But are little things like these the red flags I should be looking out for?

 

Hope someone can help! Any advice would be appreciated.

[GemmaUK]

This all sounds healthy to me.

 

Sounds like he trusts you. respects your time an understands that you have a life of your own going on.

He isn't demanding daily calls nor constant texts.

 

I've dated two men LD and both wanted one long call per day an constant texts throughout each day.

One of them even said we didn't communicate enough and wanted a call when I had my lunchbreak at work.

Both had no consideration for things I needed or wanted to do. Eating, housework. shopping all became an issue as I didn't have much time for any of these things.

They also didn't understand that sometimes I might just want to sit and watch tv or read. Any 'me time' was out of the question as they assumed it was time I was free for them.

One was unemployed and not seeking work so his time was his own and the other had long breaks in his work day where he could relax. He was a trucker and didn't have a house to look after either so he had much more free time than I did.

 

You both have a goal and it's not long away. I would see this as a bit of a tough blip to get through the best you can in the situations you are both in.

 

How is he when you talk? Is he keen to catch up with you and happy to sit and chat for a while?

How is he when you are in situations where you are close by and in the same time zone and can see each other regularly?

[justwhoiam]

So, correct me if I'm wrong. Your question is: shouldn't he call me every day?

 

Well, you only have a 2-hour window every day. Why's that?

 

Do you have a lunch break where you can talk for 10/15 minutes?

 

Do you ever call him or is it always him who has to call you?

 

Besides phone calls, do you communicate in other ways? Like through a messenger, texting, etc.

 

Maybe you just need to be more flexible and vary the means to communicate.

 

Also: are these red flags? I don't think so. I don't see any red flags for the way you talked about him and the information you shared. You only have 4 months to go in your LDR. It's nothing.

[ladyrunner21]

Thank you to both of you for responding. I find that getting advice from people online is much more helpful than getting advice from friends. Friends are always willing to be on your side rather than give sound advice. I don't have many positive relationships around me to use as models, so I'm often left to try and figure it out on my own.

 

GemmaUK, thank you for putting the idea of personal time into perspective for me. I'm always conscious of giving him his space and time to do things, but it never occurred to me that he's obviously doing the same! That's definitely one positive thing we have going for us is that we can keep ourselves busy and independently of each other. But now I know to just keep focusing on the end game. Thank you!

 

Justwhoiam, first of all let me start by saying that I've seen a few other posts of yours around, and you always provide excellent insight. To answer your questions, he's a teacher whose days start early and go until early evening, while I start at noon and work until nine. By the time he gets home, makes dinner for and has dinner with his roommates, he's usually ready either to do marking or have some downtime. This is right around the time I'm home and getting ready for bed.

 

It's not that I'm wondering if he should be calling every day. I usually speak to him twice a week and text throughout, but I've found that when friends and family ask about him and I express that I haven't talked to him in a few days, they immediately assume that something must be wrong, because if it wasn't, then he would want to talk to me all the time. I start to doubt myself, even though I know that it's MY relationship, and he and I need to find what works for us. But like I said, this is my first time in a LDR, and I'm assuming we make it work however WE can.

[smackie9]

This the thing about LDRs, you don't know until it happens because they are so unpredictable.

 

Sometimes things just naturally die down, and this can't be more truer with LDRs. When you are in physical contact with each other you build an emotional bond, this bond is very difficult to sustain when you are spending a lot of time apart.

 

You have to ask yourself, has communication dropped of more than usual lately? Are there any changes, like have the conversations are unfeeling? texting slowed down?

[justwhoiam]

when friends and family ask about him and I express that I haven't talked to him in a few days, they immediately assume that something must be wrong, because if it wasn't, then he would want to talk to me all the time. I start to doubt myself

Family has certain dynamics... everyone seems minding your business. Dear ones usually mean good, but not always successful at it. In most cases, there are no barriers, and close people can really hurt with their comments or make you doubt yourself. Comments like: You got fat, you need to go on a diet OR you're so pale, are you eating properly? They mean good, but they can also damage one's self esteem. It happens because it's family and they will always mind your business. Unless you grow distant.

 

I think you should share the very minimum with them and keep your relationship private regarding deals between you and your boyfriend. Just like for sexual preferences, etc. It's something you want to keep for yourself. So if they ask you: when did you hear from him? Your answer should be: oh, we are in touch every day, maybe not for the same amount of time every day, but we make room for each other during the day.

 

That's all they need to know right now.

[ladyrunner21]

Sometimes things just naturally die down, and this can't be more truer with LDRs. When you are in physical contact with each other you build an emotional bond, this bond is very difficult to sustain when you are spending a lot of time apart.

 

Thanks for commenting, smackie9. I think this is really where my doubt is coming from, the idea that we need to have something to fill that lack of physical contact. I can understand why some people need to talk every day -- it's to fill in that void. But at the same time, not everyone has as large a void that needs to be filled. It's a difficult idea to juggle, and I think for the first time, I understand why so many people need to know that they're not alone in something like this.

 

As for conversation, it can be hit or miss. There are some days when he doesn't feel like talking but would rather hear the sound of my voice (apparently he finds it very calming), and then there's other days where he just won't stop telling me stories! There's no telling what kind of phone call I'll get.

 

Family has certain dynamics... everyone seems minding your business. Dear ones usually mean good, but not always successful at it. In most cases, there are no barriers, and close people can really hurt with their comments or make you doubt yourself. Comments like: You got fat, you need to go on a diet OR you're so pale, are you eating properly? They mean good, but they can also damage one's self esteem. It happens because it's family and they will always mind your business. Unless you grow distant.

 

I think you should share the very minimum with them and keep your relationship private regarding deals between you and your boyfriend. Just like for sexual preferences, etc. It's something you want to keep for yourself.

 

LOL, you sound like you've met my family. And you're right, they want what's best but sometimes they don't realize what a negative impact they can have. I'm always afraid to talk to them about stuff like this because any time someone does, it's like a small crack in a beautiful vase. The vase is still beautiful and serves it's purpose, but once you know that crack is there, it's the only thing anyone ever looks at.

 

You're absolutely right though. As long as I remember to stay true to myself, I should be just fine.

[soccerrprp]

I'm in a LDR with my gf and have been for about 7-months now. My gf also feels a little uncomfortable when her family asks about me. We don't talk every day (most) and when she is asked how I'm doing, she is always a little nervous she won't have enough to say and satisfy her family. Lol:D

 

I must caution on one thing though. DO NO isolate your relationship to yourself and your friends/family. Too many people think they can do it on their own and it can be very lonely. Family may be a pain at times, but they are also providing insight and would not entirely dismiss their concerns, observations so readily. Think about it, you are asking advice from TOTAL STRANGERS on a relationship forum. Why would you be more comfortable our advice/concerns/comments than that of your own family's?

[ladyrunner21]

Family may be a pain at times, but they are also providing insight and would not entirely dismiss their concerns, observations so readily. Think about it, you are asking advice from TOTAL STRANGERS on a relationship forum. Why would you be more comfortable our advice/concerns/comments than that of your own family's?

 

LOL, good point! Talking to total strangers, at least for me, helps me to get more insight. My family consists of a grand total of seven people. Taking my sibling out of the mix, the remaining three couples either (a) manged to somehow find their soulmate on the first try, (b) are on their second shaky try, or © have a dysfunctional relationship and are trying their best to pretend they're not.

 

If I'm looking for positive, REALISTIC examples of successful relationships, it is unfortunately not in my family.

 

Also, because they're family, they're all quick to assume that any sign of doubt from me indicates that I should jump ship immediately, or it will be the one thing that they remember for the next six months about my relationship. Strangers tend to make comments honestly (and sometimes without mercy), and aren't subconsciously pulling for me one way or another the way that family does. I hope that makes sense.

 

LOL, I'm also in agreement with your girlfriend. I can relate to that.

[femalecreature]

Hi I feel for you, because I've been there. In fact I just ended a long distance relationship. It is very important to communicate regularly both when living together and especially when there's distance. That communication is what keeps the spark alive, its what maintains the "wanting" for each other. One thing I've found is, if you're not feeling good about the way its going and you feel something is missing, than that should be enough to make a change. The thing I find is men don't ponder over this, if they want more they take more, no matter what the more is. We as women always seem to feel should I ask for more? Is this ok? You have to be in a relationship where you get all you need and not be afraid to approach the one you love and ask for what you need.

 

When I started my relationship, I felt just as close to him when he was hours away, as I felt when he was near. We both made sure we knew how much we meant to each other. I never wondered if I was thought of, he made sure of that.(In case your wondering, illness ended my relationship). The thing that concerns me is, if you don't know how to ask for what you need (and believe me it is something you need, its not a want.) than how will the relationship truly grow and survive when you are together. Will you be able to communicate differently when you are living together, or will you still have a hard time asking for what you need?

 

We need to feel thought of, and desired. I know I do. Its not about feeling clingy. Because if you felt fulfilled, you wouldn't be asking if the way you were feeling is ok.

 

Yes people get busy. But when you truly care, you make time. Especially when you're about to make a huge commitment and make a move.

Edited March 23, 2014 by femalecreature

[justwhoiam]

Femalecreature, I guess you're projecting. They're closing the gap very soon. They'll have time to spend entire days together soon. And they will adjust to the new situation.

 

DO NO isolate your relationship to yourself and your friends/family.

How can you isolate a relationship to your friends and family? Did you mean from friends and family? Anyway, as soon as they are together, they'll have plenty of time to do stuff together, go out with friends, visit family, etc.

 

Why would you be more comfortable our advice/concerns/comments than that of your own family's?

We are usually prone to share with our peers rather than family, at least in some age ranges. But if you don't have many friends, or very few close/intimate friends, and they have no experiences with LDRs, their judgement might be flawed. We all tend to push away what we don't know or that we are doubtful about. It has to do with being cautious. So friends's opinions are often valuable, but with a pinch of salt. Why do you think Alcoholics Anonymous works the way it does? And you share with people who had the same issues? Because they went through all that you went through, you'll find similar stories and solutions that people tested before you...

[Michelle ma Belle]

Hi I feel for you, because I've been there. In fact I just ended a long distance relationship. It is very important to communicate regularly both when living together and especially when there's distance. That communication is what keeps the spark alive, its what maintains the "wanting" for each other. One thing I've found is, if you're not feeling good about the way its going and you feel something is missing, than that should be enough to make a change. The thing I find is men don't ponder over this, if they want more they take more, no matter what the more is. We as women always seem to feel should I ask for more? Is this ok? You have to be in a relationship where you get all you need and not be afraid to approach the one you love and ask for what you need.

 

When I started my relationship, I felt just as close to him when he was hours away, as I felt when he was near. We both made sure we knew how much we meant to each other. I never wondered if I was thought of, he made sure of that.(In case your wondering, illness ended my relationship). The thing that concerns me is, if you don't know how to ask for what you need (and believe me it is something you need, its not a want.) than how will the relationship truly grow and survive when you are together. Will you be able to communicate differently when you are living together, or will you still have a hard time asking for what you need?

 

We need to feel thought of, and desired. I know I do. Its not about feeling clingy. Because if you felt fulfilled, you wouldn't be asking if the way you were feeling is ok.

 

Yes people get busy. But when you truly care, you make time. Especially when you're about to make a huge commitment and make a move.

 

Great advice here

[Michelle ma Belle]

I too am in a LDR for just over a year with 10 hours and an International border between us Relationships are challenging at the best of times never mind adding distance and time zone differences.

 

The best advice I can give you is to communicate how you're feeling with him. Yes, it's challenging to find that perfect window when you're both available and alert to talk and yes, it's challenging to find things to talk about when all you have IS talking and yes, it's perfectly normal for things to settle down the longer two people are together. All very valid and normal things for ANY relationship not just LDRs.

 

There was a time when my partner and I were particularly busy between work and kids and life and finding time to talk was difficult. Knowing how important our communication was, we decided together that we would schedule in a couple of "date nights" per week until the craziness of our lives settled down a bit. It worked out great! And it kept us connected without feeling like we were forcing anything.

 

Good luck!