Left cheating husband, now single mom to 2 babies...

[brightlitbluesky]

I am just looking for some support, some people who have been through this, people or persons to talk to. I am feeling really weak right now, and low and I don't know how to deal with everything...

 

I've posted a thread once before about leaving my husband after he had cheated on me a few times after our oldest son was born. I left him for a couple weeks, but ultimately went back so we could try to fix things... Unfortunately I got pregnant very soon after that. It was certainly unplanned, and I went through a lot of pain considering abortion, adoption, etc... Ultimately I kept the baby.

 

During my pregnancy we started couples therapy, but we don't have a lot of money so we had to stop. Unfortunately his anger and verbal abuse continued throughout my pregnancy. I tried, like the good door mat I am, to make things work and make excuses for what he did. I tried to do the right things to make him happy. During my pregnancy I stopped wanting to have sex because I was in quite a bit of pain, and my pregnancy was very difficult both physically and the fact that my son was having problems with his lungs in the womb. I asked him multiple times if he was happy and loved me and he ALWAYS said "yes of course!"

 

That takes us to six weeks after my son's birth, obviously I'm still healing from his birth and unable to have sex. I go into my husbands email, because I was feeling very insecure, and find he is contacting multiple men on craigslist to meet up for sex. In fact, while he was supposed to be watching our infant son he was having anal sex with another man in our complex's laundry room.

 

Of course I left, and took my two babies with me. I now have an 18 month old and 7 week old that I am caring for on my own. I am not sleeping, because my son is not sleeping through the night yet. We're staying with my mom for now, and it's so stressful. My ex keeps blaming me for his infidelity saying I am a "prude" etc, etc... He will not take any blame for what happened, says he hopes I "die a slow and painful death" so he can have full custody of our children. I am not saying mean things in return! I haven't said anything even remotely close to justifying saying that kind of stuff to the mother of his children, let alone the woman he claims he loved.

 

I want to just let it go and not think about it, but I'm so sad that I'm all alone with our babies. I feel like this is supposed to be a joyous time, a time for us to bond as a family. Instead I'm not anywhere near as patient as I usually am, I'm frazzled and so exhausted constantly. I don't know how to do this alone, I just wanted a family and now I'm alone with my boys. I love them more than the world, but I can't stop crying about what has happened and about the things he's said to me.

 

I feel kind of worthless at the moment, I know I need to be strong for my boys, but how can I? Has anyone had to do this before with two small babies? I just need to know it's somehow possible. I filed for divorce yesterday, I know there's no going back...

 

Thanks to anyone who read this.

[brightlitbluesky]

thanks mr. milked. I'd like to kick his arse, too.

[KaliKatherine]

I really feel for you, I'm newly single with a 15 month and 4 year old girl. I cannot imagine having 2 littles so close in age and having just given birth. I'm relieved you at least have your mom to help you. When I first separated from my husband, baby was only 9 month. I was still sleep- deprived and emotionally exhausted. I did notice, however that baby's sleep improved once I was less stressed and I definitely experienced less defiant behavior from my older girl after a few months apart.

 

Some things that have helped me, that might help you

1) journaling, even if briefly most days. I try to list at least 2 things I am grateful for each day to keep focus on the positive and moving forward.

2) YMCA membership has been a lifesaver for me-- I can put the girls in the drop in childcare while I get some exercise in...exercising is a way to deal with the pain, release those endorphins and feel better. Sounds like your younger boy might need more stability in his health before this is an option for you, but I'd encourage you to do something like this once you are able.

3) focus on your dreams for the future... It's so easy to go down the rabbit hole of sadness, for ex my daughter just had her 4 th birthday and it felt wrong that her Dad wasn't there, or involved in any way ( even when given the opportunity to be) but I had to consciously remind myself-- that dream of an intact family and happy, healthy family life is gone, dead...it was never going to happen despite all my efforts and hopes. So now you have to check yourself in those wishful moments and focus on creating a better future for you and your children. This is not to say ignore the grief of what you've lost, the grieving is normal but putting your focus on the future will help you move past that raw grief.

4) if you're not in counseling, probably would be helpful and finding someone with an awareness of women's health/ post partum hormonal changes. If counseling is not an option for you, any close confidant who can hear you out, validate your thoughts/feelings can be a blessing too. Maybe consider joining a MOPS group, although these usually start in September and wouldn't be divorce-issue focused, rather raising young children focused.

 

Good luck and hopefully some delicious sleep will be coming your way soon!

[nohardfelines]

As a father and someone's STBXH, I absolutely cannot relate to your husband. Reacting with such anger is a product of his guilt and shame, you are NOT TO BLAME for this. Saying it's your spouse's fault that you cheated is like saying its the bullet's fault when you shoot and kill someone.

 

As someone whose spouse cheated on them, I feel for you. What you have to remember is exactly what I said above;

 

YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME FOR THIS.

 

This is what I have struggled with, and you will, too. I think you might even have it a little better off than me, as my STBXW and I are still at least trying to be friendly with each other. With your situation, the leash is off. GO CRAZY ON THAT A**HOLE.

 

Get an attorney and go for the throat.