Anna Bolina Posted January 27, 2005 Share Posted January 27, 2005 My husband and I often fantasize during sex, about me with other men. We sometimes use the names of friends to make it seem more "real". The problem is that now my husband is bored with the fantasy and wants to do a threesome with one of his male friends for real. He has even gone so far as to contact one of his friends, and try to set it up. He has admitted that his friend knows all about my sexual preferences, what I am like in bed, etc. I have also been asked to send sexy photos, and to call this guy and give him phone sex! (Neither of which I want to do.) By the way, this friend is much older than us (we are in our early 40's), is divorced and into the swinging lifestyle. I also suspect that he is encouraging my husband to try this lifestyle. I am very hurt by my husband's behavior, and have told him that fantasy is one thing, and reality is another, and he had no business in telling his friend personal things about me. He doesn't seem to realise the potential damage this could do to our marriage, and says that we "are not getting any younger" and that a threesome would be "great for our sex life." How do I handle this situation? Is this a sign of male mid-life crisis? Please help! Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 Originally posted by Anna Bolina He doesn't seem to realise the potential damage this could do to our marriage, and says that we "are not getting any younger" and that a threesome would be "great for our sex life." How do I handle this situation? By expressing to him in no uncertain terms the damage that he is doing to your marriage. He probably figures if 'action X' is ok, then the next step 'action Y' is probably ok too. If you do anything other than a blunt absolute refusal, he will see it as acceptance on some level and keep pushing you to agree. It sounds like he thinks there is some 'wiggle room' there for wheedling you into a compromise. If you need to take him to counseling to let him know this, then so much the better. He probably could use some working out of his own in the process. Having fantasies are great. Forcing them on your partner to the detriment of the relationship is not. Link to post Share on other sites
Anna Bolina Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 Hi Lucrezia, Thank you for your advice. I have told my husband that his behavior is unacceptable, and he now says that I am trying to "create boundaries" in our relationship! I will have to see a counselor alone, as he does not believe that they do anything except take your money, and warp your mind. AB. Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 Anna Bolina, You tell your husband that the "boundaries" were created when you took your marriage vows......."forsaking all others"? Ask him if he remembers that part? Ask your husband how he would feel if you end up trying this with him and end up having better sex from the other guy? Would he still want to persue it then? No? Geez what a surprise. Tell your husband that fantasies are fantasies.....you just do not feel comfortable about making it a reality and taking the chance that your feelings will change towards your relationship in a way that would make you feel "wrong" about what he wants you to agree with. Be Firm. bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 so what is going on here ANNABOLINA?? is your hubby a latent homosexual. i mean does he just want to watch while you f*** and suck his buddy? or does he want to f*** his buddy up the poop-chute while his buddy gives you oral at the same time. what's going on? i want more details here. most men want a second woman involved, not a second man. Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 I'm glad alphamale asked...........I was wondering too! this type of threesome is NOT the norm. Link to post Share on other sites
Jason 2003 Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 If it was another woman he wanted to bring into your bed I could understand you being nervous. But another guy1? My God he's bringing you a nice present. Go for it. Marriage is marriage and sex is sex. Try and separate the two into intimate loving sex with your husband and fun sex with whoever. It can be done and it makes sex fun and exciting again. Something alot of marriages need these days. Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 You have experience with this Jason_2003? bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
Jason 2003 Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 No, I'm not married. But I do wish women could compartmentalize sex the way we men can. it would solve a whole load of problems esepcially for married people. And porn wouldn't be such a problem because men wouldn't end up getting bored with their wives. And I think the wives would enjoy a wider range of sexual expression. Jealousy, especially in a strong marriage is really an unhealthy emotion. Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 Soooooo Jason_2003, You think that we all would have healthier relationships if we were allowed to sleep with different people? Link to post Share on other sites
Mira221 Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 Correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought when TWO people get married, sacred vows were exchanged between those TWO people not between three or four others. Meaning, ok lets just us get married but later on lets introduce another into our marriage bed as well. Come on we all have fantasies and thats what they are, and where they should stay, in the mind. But, when people want to throw others into the mix, thats just plain wrong. I mean if you want to have others, then either get out of the marriage first or don't get married at all. If this is unacceptable to you then you need to tell him that, and stick to what you say. Don't give into any crap he might tell you to try to change your mind either. Link to post Share on other sites
Anna Bolina Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 Thanks everyone for your input. To answer your question, my husband wants him AND the other guy to have sex with me; he has not said anything about himself and the guy together. Sorry Jason 2003, but sex is not just sex. My husband tried that line on me, and my response was, sure, if that's what you think, then I'll just forget about our marriage and have sex with as many men as I like. AB. Link to post Share on other sites
AlexisHildegard Posted January 29, 2005 Share Posted January 29, 2005 SO, I HAVE BEEN IN YOUR SHOES ANNA...HERE IS MY SITUATION MY HUSBAND AND I ARE BOTH VERY OPEN WITH OUR SEXUALITY! I FIND WOMEN TO BE VERY SEXY, AND HE KNOWS THAT I WOULD NOT NECESSARILY TURN DOWN THE OPTION FOR me TO BE WITH A WOMAN! HOWEVER, BEFORE WE WERE MARRIED, HE DID EXPERIMENT WITH A MAN (HE WAS VERY DRUNK, AND ON A SUBMARINE IN THE NAVY FOR A VERY VERY LONG TIME!!!) SO HE TOLD ME ABOUT IT, AND YA IT FREAKED ME OUT AT FIRST, BUT HIS OPENESS IN HIS SEXUALITY IS ONE OF THE VERY THINGS THAT ATTRACTED ME TO HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE. ANYWAYS, HE HAS TOLD ME THAT HE WOULD LIKE TO ENGAGE IN A THREESOME WITH HIS FRIEND, A MALE, AND I RELUCTANTLY AGREED. WE ENDED UP GOING TO NJ TO HIS FRIEND'S BOAT, AND AFTER A LOT OF ALCHOHOL, WE ENDED UP ALL THREE OF US WATCHING PORN IN THE BEDROOM. MY HUSBAND AND I STARTED "GOING AT IT" AND THEN BAM ALL OF A SUDDEN HIS FRIEND WAS GETTING NAKED.AND I TOTALLY FREAKED OUT...STARTED CRYING, LITERALLY HYSTERICALLY AND I TOLD HIM THAT I COULDN'T DO IT. THEY BOTH WERE TOTALLY FINE WITH IT, AND THAT WAS THE END OF IT. IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOUR HUSBAND IS GAY, OR THAT YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS COMPROMISED. YOUR HUSBAND, HOWEVER, SHOULD TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOUR DECISION NOT TO DO IT. SEX BETWEEN A HUSBAND AND A WIFE IS VERY SACRED, AND I WILL NEVER AGAIN, (UNLESS IT'S A SEXY LADY) GET INTO A POSITION LIKE THAT AGAIN. Link to post Share on other sites
Jason 2003 Posted January 29, 2005 Share Posted January 29, 2005 OK some of you have religious and moral qualms about a sexually open marriage. And that makes your lives more challenging than those of us who don't feel this way. You have to work harder to keep the fun and excitement in marital sex and I applaud those of you who have managed to do that. But for a couple stuck in a sexually stale marriage but who are still pals, helpmates, like living together etc, and feel free to expand their sexual expression, being able to do that without jealousies will keep sex for both of them exciting like it was when they were young and single. The alternatives are far more damaging to the marriage: affairs, porn use, prostitutes, and strip clubs. There is a whole therapy industry devoted to making sex in a marriage more exciting, but some couples have problems that those giving out the easy, pat, old and tired techniques for reviving a stale sexual relationship in a marriage (DR Phil, Oprah etc) that are not easily fixed. I would suggest a couple in this situation try pretty much anything they can to keep sex interesting and keep their relationship intact. Link to post Share on other sites
Anna Bolina Posted January 29, 2005 Share Posted January 29, 2005 Hi Jason 2003, Thank you for your input. You have mentioned that you are not married. Have you ever been married, or in a committed relationship? Besides affairs, porn, strip clubs etc., you didn't mention the other relationship busters: lack of consideration for one's partner's feelings and disrespect of their boundaries. I sincerely hope that you are not on the receiving end of this one day. AB. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted January 30, 2005 Share Posted January 30, 2005 Originally posted by Jason 2003 Jealousy, especially in a strong marriage is really an unhealthy emotion. Jealousy in a strong marriage is unwarranted.....because both partners are respectful of one another. In a strong marriage, neither partner would be willing to give the other cause for jealousy. In a strong marriage both partners are considerate of the other's feelings. I can see absolutely no good that can come from inviting a third person into a committed sexual relationship. Two's company, three's a crowd. The sense of intimacy that made this one person unique and special in your life is destroyed. They become no different from any other person, merely friends with benefits at that point. And I have to say, if a person is able to compartmentalize sex to the degree that they are able to pass their beloved around like a plate of nachos.....well, he probably isn't the greatest of lovers to begin with. There's no heart in it. Better to find a man that knows how to make love and MEAN IT. There's no comparison. In contrast the other is like a dog who humps your leg. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted January 30, 2005 Share Posted January 30, 2005 Why limit your opinion poll to the anonymity of cyberspace? You know, if there's nothing WRONG with his request, why not ask some people in the real world? People like, hmmm...his parents?...his grandma?...his co-workers? I wonder if they would find him to be sexually progressive? Or if they would think he was a nasty perv pandering his wife for his own sexual gratification. Link to post Share on other sites
aloneinTX Posted January 30, 2005 Share Posted January 30, 2005 [font=times new roman][color=blue]I wouldn't do it this is the type of 3-some my H ended up in, still unclear of the details. Now H & OW are "in love" and breaking marriages to be together forever. [/color][/font] Link to post Share on other sites
Anna Bolina Posted January 30, 2005 Share Posted January 30, 2005 Why limit your opinion poll to the anonymity of cyberspace? You know, if there's nothing WRONG with his request, why not ask some people in the real world? People like, hmmm...his parents?...his grandma?...his co-workers? Hi Lady Jane, Your reply really cheered me up! Yes, I wonder what these people would think of him then! Thank you. AB. Link to post Share on other sites
Jason 2003 Posted January 30, 2005 Share Posted January 30, 2005 Anna wrote:>>> you didn't mention the other relationship busters: lack of consideration for one's partner's feelings and disrespect of their boundaries. >>> You are correct but keep in mind this goes both ways. If one partner feels that the sexual relationship needs some kind of new spark to reignite it I would think that at least the other partner should sit up and lend a sympathetic ear rather than a blanket condemnation of the idea. Sometimes you have to put your own feelings aside in favor the the relationship itself. I say give it a try. If it doesn't work then one partner's objections to the arrangement can be backed up by experience and concrete reasons why it didn't work (in this case for the woman) Just the fact she gave it a try at his request will bond him to her in a new way. Of course the real challenge would be if she had suggested that she would like to bring another male into the bed, then the spotlight would be on him (the husband) and I would expect him to react in the same way. Let HER try it out. Of course all this depends on the strength of the relationship. If it's hanging by a thread anyway then this whole 3rd person scene will do damage. But if they are comitted to each other but one or both is sexually bored, then they owe it to each other to try new things. It's like a valve letting off steam created by the pressure of a sexually stale relationship. And if SHE suggested bringing in another WOMAN? well, as the song goes "Sweet Dreams Are Made of This" Link to post Share on other sites
uberfrau Posted January 30, 2005 Share Posted January 30, 2005 Jason_2003 forgets that AB body belongs to AB-if SHE want to f*ck hubby's friend, then that is for HER to decide-Husband may be married to AB but he doesn't 'own' her so much, that she is beholden to spread her legs for whomever husband wants. Hey, AB-Husband clearly has indicated an UTTER lack of respect for your feelings. Does this habit bleed into other aspects of your relationship? If so, please leave. You are setting yourself up for 'doormat' status. I have no qualms with 'open' marriages-and AB, that is what your husband is REALLY doing. He wants you to f*ck some other man, so he can turn around and say, "it's MY turn now honey!" IF you are okay with this, fine. If not, then you have some problems on your hand. REally, open marriages are better kept discreet. Meaning, each parnter has their affairs privately, the partners don't know the other people, et al. It's easier that way. Third parties always muck up a situation, and the further you can keep them from your marriage the better. Link to post Share on other sites
Jason 2003 Posted January 30, 2005 Share Posted January 30, 2005 OK so we agree to disagree.....so what are we left with? Nothing, zero, stalemate. I do hope this relationship will not end up going downhill from here. I believe her refusal to even poiltely consider his proposal has done much damage. Rather than listening and discussing she went at him in a rage accusing him of telling his friend how wonderful she was. She didn't think for a minute that all her husband was trying to do was get their sex life up and running again. The show of love can be seen in a million things a couple does for each other every day. He brings her soup when she's sick and washes the floor and dresses the kids. She doesn't complain about having to pick up his dirty underwear and the time he spends watching sports on TV. A relationship is a living thing, nurtured every moment of the day. Why on earth, in a long term relationship, do women insist in putting all their love and intimacy apples in one basket----marital sex. You can have both things sexually---fun and excitement and a show of love. And it IS possible to split these two things up once in a while. Love is accepting and accomodating both partner's wishes. And sometimes this means either the man or the woman has to try something new. To say "if you loved me you wouldn't ask this" is quite simply.... emotional blackmail. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted January 30, 2005 Share Posted January 30, 2005 Originally posted by Jason 2003 To say "if you loved me you wouldn't ask this" is quite simply.... emotional blackmail. And to say "if you loved me, you would do this" is NOT emotional blackmail??? ....On what planet?! Originally posted by Uberfrau Husband may be married to AB but he doesn't 'own' her so much, that she is beholden to spread her legs for whomever husband wants. This is the crux of the matter. If the husband is putting pressure on AnnaBolina to do something that she is uncomfortable with, for whatever reason, he is de-personalizing her. She becomes a piece of meat, and indeed "owned" by him and put up for sale. This isn't so much about sex as it is boundaries. And yeah, you can still have boundaries and be married. Marriage does not subtract from individuality. It's ought to add to it. It becomes two individuals and then something extra, and hopefully something special. It IS possible to spice up a dull sex life, without destroying the marriage itself. A man who is insistant on feeding his own fantasies to the detriment of his relationship is not worth all this trouble, in my opinion. (This thread is becoming remarkably similar to some other threads dealing with "sharing" one's wife. I begin to wonder if that is a coincidence. ) Link to post Share on other sites
Jason 2003 Posted January 30, 2005 Share Posted January 30, 2005 All good points. I disagree with this piece of meat thing but let us leave it at that. We are still treading water here. A classic standoff between men and women and our differing views of marriage and sex. So....lets try something else. What could she do to meet him halfway? How can they make sex fun and exciting again? Anna? Lady Jane? Link to post Share on other sites
Anna Bolina Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 Originally posted by Jason 2003 I believe her refusal to even poiltely consider his proposal has done much damage. Rather than listening and discussing she went at him in a rage accusing him of telling his friend how wonderful she was. Jason 2003, Where did I say that I "went at him in a rage"? This is entirely incorrect, and you should get your facts straight before making such sweeping statements. Also, I have listened to my husbands proposal, as "politely" as possible, in view of the damage HE has done. I have said "no thank you" as "politely" as possible, but it seems that he cannot take "no" for an answer. Are you also like this in your relationships? Which brings me to another point, you did not answer my previous questions: Have you ever been married, or in a committed relationship? AB. Link to post Share on other sites
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