I'm changing and I don't like the changes

[MassiveAtom]

Some of you know what's going on. Others don't.

 

Quick synopsis, I was married 8 years, Loved my wife as best I could, which was really well. Did Plenty for her, as most men do. Despite all that, she left last month with everything. Now I'm faced with mediation headaches, a life of servitude to an ungrateful, inflexible taker, and the grim task of building a new life for myself. Even the love of my daughters seems out of reach right now.

.

All this unfortunate happenstance has caused some real major shifts in my perspective. At the outset, I still saw hope and wanted to work at forgiveness, renewal, and peace. But now, I'm starting to see a more dark and cynical side emerging. In my current Gollumesque order, I have a hard time staying positive. I try very hard to stop the pain of rejection, isolation, disrespect, and indifference with so many futile attempts at occupying my time. Drinking, video games, eating, (mostly beer, peanut butter and pizza), the occaisional date which always has me fighting off the urge to call my wife and tell her what I really don't want to say. That I still love her, despite all the crap she put me through.

 

The down moments are significantly less down though, I've definitely leveled off, but honestly, I'm not so sure I like this "level". It's mainly the unbridled cynicism that irks me. Like a confluence of the black and dead seas in brackish water, there's no vitality left. That boyish quality I once had, that big strong kid with a heart of gold, and a steel mind honed to a razor edge, he's not here anymore. Only the long , long life of more of the same to endlessly endure until they throw dirt in my cold dead face.

 

Yeah, Therapy is in order. In the quiet moments I get these thoughts......

 

 

 

like never before,

 

ma

[tanbark813]

I've never been married myself, but breakups leave me going through something similar to what you wrote (just to a lesser extent). I think the changes you're seeing are natural and I highly doubt they're permanent. I mean, you may have some attitudes, beliefs, thoughts, etc.. that will be permanently effected, but not in the way that they currently are. People are shaped by their experiences, of course, but no one is static.

 

I say, f*ck it, let it run its course...

[Mr Spock]

Massive, who says you have to "maintain a positive outlook?"

 

You're entitled to self indulgent, bitter misery. For as long as you need to be that way. Wrap yourself in your pain. Love it. Make it your own. You know why? Because to get over this you need to stop wanting her. Hate her if you have to, you can hate whoever you want it's just how you act on it that defines you as a person.

 

Eventually, this will pass. Time heals all wounds.