I am so pissed off , how could he be so mean?

[smile]

imokurnot were you making fun of my syrupy simplistic sitcom view of the situation? Come on this is classic tv.. I think it happened to DJ on Full House once.. maybe even Blossom. In any event, were you making fun of the siliness of that thought ? Or were you the one tormenting me in HS?

 

Anyhow yeh this feels sucky. I know he cant go too long without me. HE is the one who calls me. I didnt try to contact him at all since tuesday. Thats it tuesday. And he called me thursday, friday and saturday , twice on saturday.

 

I just really want to talk to him. He understands that while my dad is ok its the seeing him lying there in the hospital I cant take. He knows that it brings back stuff I havent quite figured out how to deal with. Everyone else is like be happy he is ok he is alive. Damnitt I am tired of almost losing my dad. How many almost losses can you take before you go numb?

 

So like I said... what do I do about the emotional support thing? He knows that it means the world to me to have someone there just for me. Should I just be happy enough that he offered? If he calls back is that when I accept his support?

 

aacckkk. I am so troubled by this. I am off to spend some time in the sunshine with my family. I just cant get out of this funk. *sigh*

[Intel]

I'm going to level with you Smile, I think that he knows that he's got you on his hook and whenever he doesn't feel any tension in the line, he pulls on it a little so that he knows you're still there (fishing analogy).

 

Look at the facts:

You ignore him/don't call him....he calls you, but only to talk to you....not to see you

He drops hints about him coming over....then when you offer...he says "no"

He offers his "support''...but says that he can't really be that close to you

 

Again, everything he SAYS is about how much he wants to be with you...but everything he DOES is to the contrary.

 

I think he is just keeping you around as a contingency plan to him not being able to find any other females. I hate to be so blunt about it, but usually guys don't play head games to this extent unless there is some alterior motive behind it. He probably still does have SOME feelings for you, but not the same feelings for which you are looking.

 

PLEASE try to move on from this, or I sense that you will really be in a bad way. If he wants you back...he'll come back. It's as simple as that.

[smile]

Ok look he does call to see me. The reason this certain time made me mad was because this is the only time he has done that. He has never done it before.

 

He had a sort of nervous breakdown when he went on tour. He wigged out and hasnt been the same since. It was then that he said I wouldnt even want him as a bf now because he is in a bad place. He isnt sure what he can give to me.

 

Again this is the ONE time he said no. He usually asks to come over or just shows up. If you read my other posts you will see how he comes snaping back when I pull away. This last thread is in no way a simple wrap up of this situation. If it was that easy trust me it would be over.

 

Anyway you know what I am going through crap right now about MY DAD. I am tired of almost losing him. What I choose to do here as far as going away goes about my ex has already been decided by me. Yeh it makes me sad , but I know it has to be.

 

What I am saying here is that this thing with my dad threw a wrench in some things. My ex came busting out with tenderness he never thought he could give me. Even when we were together. It seems before when I needed him he was too afraid to be there for me fully. Afraid of this codependency thing he saw with his mom and dad...

 

But now, even the day I wigged out for no reason, he was there. In such a strong in charge way he never could be before. He wants to make sure I am ok. He wants to be here for me. He called me again today, I missed the call, to ask how I was.

 

I am taking space because I know its necessary. I know we never really had space. I know he is just so used to me being there and connecting with him he cant see how special it is.

 

I am living my life. I am out there hanging out with friends. I dont go to his shows, I no longer chat with his friends online, I dont hang out with his neice, I dont go visit his family, I am not trying anything. I am here... living MY life.

 

You seem to be under the impression that I am sitting here whining about him not being mine. NO. I am whining about not understanding things.. I am worried that this muck is going to mess up any relationship we may have even friends. This was/is love. That doesnt go away.

 

We care about eachother, proven by our talks. The other stuff is messed up relationship crap. We shouldnt have had sex again. We shouldnt have started hanging out again. We werent ready for sleep overs and long in the dark talks. Long walks and me helping him name his dog. He called me to help him pick it out.. worried that I wouldnt like the name he picked.

 

You can say that you know whats going on, but I am pretty damn certain HE has no idea whats going on. This may sound lame but his band is suddenly doing so well and it seems like he is cool for the first time in his life. He has lived in his brothers shadows forever. He is becomming who HE is. Afraid of being defined by anyone else.

 

That may not be commendable but it seems to be the truth. He comes to me to be grounded. Now I am going to keep my distance, he has moved away (20 mins) and he now has time and space. Plus in a month he is going on tour. So thats two months of his being on his own.

 

This guy is acting like a jerk because he is acting out. I am here always so he has learned he can do what he wants. Thats no longer the case. His good stuff gets rewarded his bad stuff gets ignored. He called twice to ask how I was, how my dad was. So I am going to call him back.

 

After that I have no intention of just calling for no reason. If he calls and doesnt leave a msg I wont call back. I dont need to play these games.. but I dont need to play the game of chase either. I am no longer playing anything.

 

Maybe that makes me a schmuck. So what. I care about this person and I cant just stop that becasue I cant have everything I want when I want it. I am taking my space but I am not going to hurt him.

 

For the record its not that he says he wants to be with me and he does the contrary its the other way around... he acts like he wants to be with me but says he doesnt. I dont want him now. He is too mixed up and I dont want us to hurt eachother more. But I am always here for him, and he is here for me.

 

I am sorry. We care about eachother. The rest is in God's hands.

[Universe]

Don't call him. Don't invite him over. He said he can't give you the kind of support you need. You should take that to heart as hard as it may be. I know it's hard to swallow. But I think he means exactly what he says here. You have to look at that and say, "If he can't give me what I need, then I don't want him here." You're too overloaded emotionally right now to be flirting with the emotional territory that he carries with him. If he could give you the kind of support you need, he would be there right now. But he doesn't, and he's not. So just take this time to be there for your dad and focus on your own needs. Wait for things in your life to calm down. The fate of your relationship and your whole life do not depend on whether or not you talk to him or see him in the next few days. If he suddenly realizes that he really wants to be with you, he'll let you know. So don't worry about that. That ball is in his court. I think you need to spend the next week or two really asking yourself if you want to be with this guy and why. Why? Ask yourself if the current situation has gone on long enough. Only you know the answers to those questions. Just make sure you don't lie to yourself.

Your situation with your ex is that you have agreed to be friends while he sorts things out and maybe decides to come back to you, correct? The unfair thing is that you're not just friends. You're like - best friends. You are in contact with each other so much that you can't seem to get your heads clear. It's confusiong, because you being the one who wants him back makes it difficult for you to deny him access to you.

Nervous Breakdown can mean anything. It's not a clinical term. But something happened to him while one tour that changed him. So you need to consider that he's not the same person he was before.

By telling you flat out that he can't give you the kind of support you need is a definitely indication for you to pull back big time. He drew a significant intimacy barrier just then. Let him. I think you both need it. Yes, this could be the beginning of the end. But I think it has to happen reguardless of if you're ever going to get back together.

TAKE WARNING: As you know - this could be me projecting my situation on to you. The fact that my ex and I have kept a comfortable distance has allowed me to think much more rationally about everything. As I've said in the past, I'd been envious of your position with your ex because of your closeness and intimacy. But it may have been too soon and you just need to pull back to allow things to fall as they may.

 

Nevermind. Your situation is impossible.

 

Take what I say with a grain of salt.

[smile]

my situation is impossible? ouch.

 

When he said he couldnt be here emotionally it wasnt today.. it was the night of the talk. He called me tonight. Three times. I finally answered. He asked how my dad was and shared some stuff about his puppy. He lost his mom when he was 14 so we talked about losing a parent and what thats like. What is better , all at once or bit by bit.. ya know?

 

We chatted about his dog because he is using the ABA method which is what I use at my job. So we talked about that kinda stuff. We just talked.

 

I am not going to see him. He mentioned being lonely at his new place and I didnt offer to come over. He said he wished someone would come see the dog, I didnt offer to come over. I just chatted right along about what we were talking about.

 

We talked for about a half an hour then I said I had to get ready for work in the morning. He had to take the puppy out to potty so we said goodbye.

 

I know we need not to be best friends. Its just hard. For both of us. Which sucks. He wants to know how I am and how my dad is... calls and thinks I am not asnwering bc something is wrong. So I had to call him back.

 

I think its better he is far away. 20 minutes but at least thats not 3 minutes.

 

I dont expect to talk to him for a while now. I feel ok with that.

 

I know you are all exasperated with me right now. I am sorry.

[_Saffy_]

smile,

 

i have followed your story from the first day i got here, and havent commented for a while....but i need to say this.

 

it seems that when you come here and explain the reasons for the way you feel people try to support you. they tell you what they see and that is that you are better off without him. when you say that you feel DOWN its because of the way he treats you, when you say that you feel USED its because of the way he treats you, when you say that you feel MAD its because of the way he treats you............but its all because of the way you ALLOW him treat you.

 

people listen to you and try to help and then you get all defensive and stand up for him.

 

hes playing games......the reference to fishing was a very good example.......when he feels that the line is getting slack, he reels you in a bit more but you will always be at the end of the rod, he aint going to unhook you and take you home as his prize catch in a pretty little box, hes going to leave you that whole rod length away............ what do you think would happen if you cut that line completely and swam away back into the ocean?

 

he isnt there for you......you are there for him, when he wants reassurance, when he wants sex, when he WANTS.

 

 

lets be honest if he cared that much, he would have been at that hospital with you, SHOWING you just how much.

[smile]

he was never at the hospital with me before, when we were together, I wasnt there when his dad went to the hospital. He did ask me who was there and when I said my whole family he said that was good. He was at work when he called. He wanted to make sure I wasnt alone.

 

I know he isnt the greatest guy right now. Look now that he is farther away I feel better about everything. Now that the 5 week tour is just three weeks away I feel great. Now that my trip to Mexico and Disneyland is comming up I feel great. Now that my trip to NYC is comming up I feel great.

 

This is a confusing situation. I think it is for him too. I am still a doofy girl who misses having her bf. But that is going to happen. I dont believe he is trying to be a jerk. I dont believe he knows what to do or even that it hurts me.

 

I think all he can concentrate on is himself right now. I guess I come here to get some support on trying to work things out... support on being confused. Not work things out with US but work things out just so.

 

In my real life I get the "run away leave him alone youre crazy and hopeless" . I come here for understanding. I just want someone to hear me and understand where I am comming from without judging me.

 

I have to come to my own decisions, I have to make my own mistakes. I am sorry that it is frustrating. And maybe I am a doormat or an idiot or whatever.

 

Youre right , I let him do this. I know that. I knew that from the begining. And when it all seemed so sweet and on track you all agreed right along with me. You all said he obviously loves me and that things looked good. I saw it too.

 

I was wrong. So its like breaking up all over again. Its tough and yeh it was a mistake. But I get to make those dont I?

 

Just as any of our exes have to come to the decision on their own that they may someday want us back.. I need to come to living my life without him. Its hard. Three years and every new season I am reminded of the things we arent going to do together. That is so hard.

 

This is tough. And I am sorry that I come off as defensive here. I just constantly feel like I am not entitled to make mistakes. Everyone has made them. And as much as you all may want to keep me from being slammed into by an oncomming train... you can't. No more than anyone could've stopped any of you.

 

And if you could what would I have learned? I need to have this work out the way it will. And I would like your opinions and comments throughout. I just feel like I am being scorned like a dumb kid.

 

I dont know what to do. For the first time in my whole life I cant figure this out. My heart and my brain are at war here. Every last bit of me is struggling to take off in a different direction. Every minute I feel different. Every second there is something more to miss and something new to see.

 

So here I am. Apologizing to all of you who have read and followed, cheered and jeered. I am sorry that I have no idea how to do this. I am sorry that I am tripping up all over the place. I am sorry that you are all so disappointed in the way I have taken this... I am sorry.

[strange love]

Simple

 

maybe you should call him and tell him you really need to be held right now..

 

oh well

 

whatever

[_Saffy_]

smile, i wasnt slamming you, i was slamming the whole situation.

 

you have to understand that people here can only react to the way your posts are written, so if you post a "happy, everything is going great" people will respond with "happy, im so glad" comments. when you post "im so pissed off, how could he be such a jerk" posts then people will respond with "im sorry that you are down, you shouldnt put yourself through this" posts......do you see what i am saying here.

 

i dont know if he loves you, you dont know if he loves you and i would bet that he doesnt know either........what he does know is that when he needs you, you are there for him, when he needs a cuddle, you are there for him, when he needs an intimate favour you have been there for him (in the past).

 

none of us know what we are doing really, i am nine weeks into the break up, and i have had no contact for two weeks, before that i would drop a "how are you" email along the net, and get no response, that happened for maybe 3 weeks, i feel stronger now because i am standing alone, but it doesnt mean that it hurts any less. it doesnt.

 

im sorry that you thought i was getting at you, i wasnt, i wish i could send you enough strength to get through this, but i cant.

[Intel]

Spider Woman:

 

I can't speak for the rest of the crew, but I thought that I understood pretty well where you were coming from & what your going through...I have a feeling others did as well.

 

Which is why you would BE stupid...to think that you ARE stupid, and you'd BE making a mistake to think that you're the only one who DOES make mistakes (clever, huh?). This website is like a parent who smokes telling their kid not to smoke. You can either listen to them tell you the "don't make the same mistakes I did" or you can choose to learn from your own mistakes.

 

Above all things, DO NOT apologize for coming here with your heart on your sleeve.

 

Other than that, I liked you last message. Just remember one thing: Don't TALK about it, BE about it

[Universe]

Smile,

Stop saying you're "just a dumb girl." This is certainly not true and, while, I'm sure you mean it as a joke, it's still not a healthy things to be saying or writing about yourself. It's just one of the psychological sub-conscious learning things. When you say things like that about yourself, it hurts your self-esteem.

Intel's right. Do not apologize to us.

This website is like a parent who smokes telling their kid not to smoke. You can either listen to them tell you the "don't make the same mistakes I did" or you can choose to learn from your own mistakes.

This is very true. But obviously every situation is different and what is a mistake for me, may be just the right thing to do for Smile. I can't get inside the head of my ex, and I certainly can't get inside the head of any of your exes. All we can do is try to make our educated guesses about each other's situations. Ultimately everyone does what they feel in their heart is right regardless of what the read on her. But we give each other ideas and perspectives that we may not have otherwise thought of on our own. Most importantly, we help each other to not feel alone.

The frustration with Smile's case is that it's seemed like she was so close to getting her lover back and then it's just dragged on and nothing happened. We all wanted to see this happen for you, Smile, but now I think we're all out of ideas. It's frustrating because it's still not over. The only thing I can think to tell you at this point is what I already have: Pull back and be too busy doing other things when he calls. I was re-reading some parts of that "How To Get Your Lover Back" book and it said that you must inventory your needs so that they don't surprise you when they come to the surface. Then it said that your needs are secondary to your goal of getting your lover back.

My take on it is that if you truly want your lover back, then it must be that you believe your needs will be met once you have them back. So you are putting your immediate needs on hold so that your deeper more constant needs can be truly fulfilled later.

The book also says that once you have established rapport and created positive pleasant moments together and allowed time to heal the wounds of the past, you must pull back if your lover isn't returning to you. It says you must pull back lovingly and gently. Don't say you are doing it. Just gradually make yourself less available. You just get more concerned with your own life than with them. But the book says pulling back too soon is a mistake and that you should only do it when your heart tells you to. But it also says that waiting too long is also a mistake because your ex could easily begin taking you for granted.

I think this is sorta what's happened with you Smile. You case was far more confusing than the text book case (as everyone's situation is) because you got all intimate with him. But I think your waiting to long to pull back. His leaving in 3 weeks makes it all the more difficult.

 

I don't know what the answers are. But maybe my above rambling helps somehow.

[imokurnot]

Why is this thread so long? If people thought you were dumb or were a lost cause (like they probably feel about me) they would not take the time to read this thread and offer support and advice. Saffy had a great point with regard to enabling him to make you feel a certain way. We all do it to some degree and it isn't a slam on you at all. It is to help you see it little by little and try to understand it. Nobody expects you to read that and then completely change a behavior or pattern you have had for years most likely. People I am sure think of my situation and tell me to run, run as far and as fast as I can from my ex. I look much more stupid or dumb than you do beliebve me. The only thing that I found dumb was that you watched Full House and were using examples from THAT SHOW in your posts. LOL JK.....and good luck!

[hugznkisses21]

Try reading this book....it seems u do alot of overthinking and its stressing you out and your emotions are all over the place.

 

I am currently reading this as I am an overthinker....think this means this and that means taht is snowballs from one thing to the next and I feel like I have done a complete 180 after only half way through this book and I can see it helping me and my realtionship.

 

Women Who Think Too Much: How to Break Free of Overthinking and Reclaim Your Life

Susan Nolen Hoeksema,Ph.D.

[imokurnot]

I need a copy, targeted at males though.