Petty fight that led to NC for 3 days...

[ohnoo]

Hello. This is something petty but it led to NC for 3 days...

 

2 weeks ago, I did something for my boyfriend but kept it as a secret to excite him. I told him I'll show him on our Skype night which is every Wednesday. I tried hard to finish it and all the while we were teasing that I couldn't make it and he's always asking what it is and straight up acting very excited and he couldn't wait to see it. Always asking for a photo or a clue.

 

I slept around 6 am on Wednesday morning just to finish it the night before and then when i woke up, I told him I finished it and teased "Do you want it today or would you rather Skype tomorrow?"

 

He replied "Actually, it's more convenient for me to Skype tomorrow." I was hurt but I asked him if he has anything important planned that night. He just said nothing important but he felt like working out and do this project thing. Both are just normal everyday things.

 

To be honest, call me emotional or whatever but I felt like I've been slapped because he gave me the impression that he couldn't wait to see what I made for him and then on the Skype date he just blew me off. He disregarded the fact that I tried to finish it especially for that day.

 

I got mad and he said he respectfully asked if we can Skype tomorrow but instead of saying that I'd rather Skype that night, I got mad instead. And just the thought of him wanting to do other things besides Skyping with me is enough to make me mad. Which is TRUE since it felt like i took the backseat for no reason and that he didn't care about what I was doing for him.

 

He's mad and I'm mad. He apologized for 'acting excited and leading me on' and said he's ok not seeing it on Wednesday which I feel is so insensitive since it's too late now cos all those days leading up to Wednesday, I was burning my ass off trying to finish it and he knows it.

 

He also said something that irritated me. He said he has a life and the little free time that he has, he's balancing it with his health, side projects, etc." which made me feel that I'm so clingy although I believe I'm NOT. It's LDR and we only Skype once a week. He doesn't call me nor do I expect him to. There's a 7 hour time gap so when he gets out of work, I'm already about to go to bed. And "little free time" is such bullcrap, since he still can freakin' game.

 

Anyway, after he said sorry for 'leading me on', I said "It doesn't matter now." and he replied "Right." I didn't reply and started NC for 3 days. He didn't contact me. This morning I finally texted, I said "You're never gonna text me. Are you?" and "If you're happy without me then can we make an official break up. I'm tired of waiting for you." No reply yet as he's sleeping.

 

Am I wrong for feeling this way? He said we already established that he's an idiot for not sensing things and that he always has to ask...but come on! Do I have to ask him to delete his okcupid profile because it's disrespectful to me? Do I have to literally say that it's not alright to move our skype date because he knew I was busting my ass off trying to finish something for him specifically for that day? I told him that maybe he can't sense because he really doesn't care if he hurts me or not.

 

Just as a background, we're 9 months in. Both 29 years old. He's a good boyfriend. He said he doesn't like LDR but he's the one who flew to me and pursued me, it's the first time he did this for a girl. All his exes (just 2, long term relationships) were around his area. He took me to Europe, paid for everything. I was in his house for almost 3 months, met his family and some of his friends. He's really an ok guy, just sometimes, he's insensitive and it's annoying when he does things that will hurt me and he has no idea that it will. Like for example, following a sexy Japanese gravure Twitter photo account, I have to ask him to unfollow it. I told him I know it's normal to watch porn and look at bikini girls but do it privately, just put it on his private bookmark folder or something, I don't have to see it. Things like this, I have to be hurt first and tell him before he'll realize it.

 

Any advice?

Edited March 23, 2014 by ohnoo

[veggirl]

That passive aggressive text was a bad move. I don't understand the silent treatment. If you need a night to cool down, that's fine, but why didn't you guys discuss this the next day?

 

Do you want to stay with him? You sound pretty frustrated with having to basically teach him how to behave in a relationship. Personally I'd never stay with someone I had to explain so much to, but if it's worth it to you then I'd suggest not allowing things to escalate like this. If you didn't want to Skype a diff day, why even suggest it as an option? When he said he prefered the next day, I totally get being disappointed, but instead of fighting why not just explaining that?

 

Your previous threads point to you being way more invested in this relationship than your bf :/

[ohnoo]

@veggirl

 

I guess I wasn't ready to take his apology. I felt he didn't mean it, like it was said cos he thinks I wanna hear it. It wasn't a suggestion, it was teasing like how he teased me that I couldn't finish it by Wednesday. I was expecting him to react like "No, I wanna see it tonight!" because that's what was implied from 2 weeks ago up until Wednesday afternoon when I told him I finished it, he gave me the impression that he wants to see it ASAP so I busted my ass to make it in time. My emotions got the best of me cos I was hurt and petty things like this pile up after a while, I guess. But also admittedly, I can be erratic and moody sometimes. I'm going to apologize for my passive-aggressive behavior.

 

Oh, all those previous post except the not Skyping for a month post were about a different man, my ex. We already resolved the Skype thing by scheduling every Wednesday and I found out that he isn't a Skype person, he said it makes him more lonely knowing that he can see me but can't really touch me.

Edited March 23, 2014 by ohnoo

[veggirl]

Thanks for the clarification about the other threads

 

I agree you should apologize for the passive-aggressiveness, that's a good step.

 

Something that's good to remember is it's not bad to ask for what you want. Yes ideally we'd love it if our partner always just knew what we wanted and just did all the right things but that's not realistic. It would be soooo nice if they just "knew" but they don't always and it's perfectly okay to get what you want by asking for it.

[ohnoo]

@veggirl

 

I agree and thank you for replying. I do understand him. I know that men in general are bad in sensing things. I just have to control my emotions and my want to confront him from time to time. Lol! X)

[justwhoiam]

all those previous post except the not Skyping for a month post were about a different man

My suggestion from last September is still valid. I don't like the fixed day once a week Skype deal. I would have said "but if it works for you, it's fine". But I cannot even say that. So I guess I'm right thinking it's a deal that is not good in a relationship for so many reasons. It doesn't make room for flexibility, it comes across as a must and not as a pleasure, it's too little in 7 days (unless there's a specific moment in your life when you need to do that because of too busy schedules).

 

Veggirl is basically right in her first comment.

[ohnoo]

@justwhoiam

 

Thanks for the suggestion but actually, the scheduled skype is working for us. We picked a fixed skype date so skype a week is a must but if one of us wants to skype more then we should just tell each other. And yeah, he isn't a skype person. I used to think he is but he isn't, he just use it at work talking to faraway clients. He said it makes him more sad skyping with me cos he can feel the distance more, he can see me but can't really touch me. So yeah, it's kinda not a pleasure for him.

 

I get what he's saying now. He said when he talks to me or skype with me, he wanted more after---cuddling, kissing, sex, basically human touch. His exes lived with him so it's a big leap from having a woman living with you to a woman living faraway. I think that's how he deals with loneliness by just skyping less, suppressing missing me more, I guess. In his own words "I don't want to feel sad.". When I lived with him for almost 3 months, he calls me a lot and I think it's because after the call he knows I'll be at home waiting for him.

 

If I don't communicate with him for a while, I know he will come after me. Already happened before. Now, he didn't contact me so I posted here. X)

 

Oh and to answer your past questions. He's in Europe and I'm in Asia. I just got back from Europe this month and our next meeting will be this coming June. He'll come here for a week, meet my family again [probably cos I told him my dad is asking for him] then we'll go on a vacation somewhere for a week, and then I'll come with him to Europe for 3 months but hopefully we can extend my visa for another 3 months.

Edited March 24, 2014 by ohnoo

[Michelle ma Belle]

Again, LDR are challenging, there is no question about it. All we have are the words we so carefully tie together to convey our thoughts and feelings and emotions. For many of us, physical contact is really important when it comes to relationships which means the gaps between visits can be an honest struggle. It takes a lot of effort to keep things going and going strong in LDRs.

 

If he's used to having his serious girlfriends live with him, it's not that surprising that he's a bit senseless or insensitive to your concerns about his OKCupid profile or who he's following on Twitter or what kind of sites he's frequenting on his laptop. You're NOT around each other everyday so feeling like you can have your cake and eat it too to some extent, particularly when it comes to men, doesn't seem so shocking. And that's NOT to say I condone any of this or making excuses for him at all (because I'm not) but I'm just trying to show you another perspective and way of understanding this so you don't continue with the passive-aggressive tactics whenever he doesn't meet your expectations.

 

And that is exactly what's happening here. You have some very clear expectations of him and how he should be conducting himself in your relationship. Some of it may be warranted but some of it may not be. The only way to figure it out and get on the same page about things is to talk it out if you haven't already.

 

If you're not careful with how you handle things especially your emotions, it might be the death of your relationship.

 

Good luck!

Edited March 26, 2014 by Michelle ma Belle

[ThisGal]

I'm dying to know what you made him?? Lol. Sounds like a ceramic piece/vase since I used to make them myself. Do tell

 

I hope you two have resolved the issue. I'm like you; I sometimes react too quickly before thinking then regret saying stuff. Sometimes you just have to take a breather and control your emotions.

 

P.S. and no, he should already know to remove his online dating profile. My S/O and I did it together at the same time once we became official). But yeah, sometimes you have to tell someone how you're feeling as they are not mind readers.

 

Anyway, take care!

[ohnoo]

If he's used to having his serious girlfriends live with him, it's not that surprising that he's a bit senseless or insensitive to your concerns about his OKCupid profile or who he's following on Twitter or what kind of sites he's frequenting on his laptop. You're NOT around each other everyday so feeling like you can have your cake and eat it too to some extent, particularly when it comes to men, doesn't seem so shocking. And that's NOT to say I condone any of this or making excuses for him at all (because I'm not) but I'm just trying to show you another perspective and way of understanding this so you don't continue with the passive-aggressive tactics whenever he doesn't meet your expectations.

 

Thanks for replying!

I guess so. When we were talking about his okcupid before, he acted like it was nothing because he made it when he was single and wasn't logging in anymore so he thought it wasn't a big deal. (We didn't meet there btw) When I said that it was disrespectful, he immediately deleted it, right after I said it. I guess he didn't see it the way I did.

 

 

@ThisGal

 

No, we're nerds and he's a gamer so I made a pc game about him. He already saw it and he flipped! He really loved it and gonna brag and show it to his friends.

 

We already resolved it, the same day that I started this post. I've read something that I should always remember: Don't make a promise when you're happy. Don't reply when you're angry. Don't decide when you're sad. So yeah! Best to take a breather if emotions are running high. Thank you.