Should I call it rape? How to get over it?

[schmurr]

Almost exactly a year ago I think I was raped by my boyfriend of over three years. I say "I think" because it is still unfathomable to me that he would intentionally do what he did... which makes me feel bad for calling it rape. I have already reported it and the case got dropped.

 

I had broken up with him because I realized he was emotionally abusive. He would call me a slut and other things, disrespect my family and yell at me almost weekly. I feel I am to blame for his mood swings towards me because at one time when we had broken up I had hooked up with someone else. He reminded me of it constantly since we had gotten back together. When I broke up with him for good he used abusive language over text and on facebook and however he could contact me and I had to block him from everything, so he resorted to emails. He emailed constantly and made me agree to meet with him over my spring break- he was acting really nice to me at this point and I made it clear I didn't want to get back together or have sex but I was fine with meeting to talk about how we were doing.

 

I wont go into details but it felt like he didn't listen to me and tricked me into getting into his car and the back seat. I feel like this is my fault though because if I really didn't want it I could have pushed harder than I did or screamed at him or something which I didn't. At some point before he did it I felt bad for pushing him away when he tried to kiss me so I let him, which must have given mixed signals. Later he said he thought I was just saying no because I was worried about having enough time...

 

Anyway, I'm still struggling with my feelings for this person who I have NC with, while at the same time trying to get over what happened a year ago. Any advice? I'm sorry for such a long post. I'm not sure why this even bothers me if it wasn't so violent and I think i'm making it a big deal in my head.

[Pineappls]

Well i dont really get it where or when he did rape you.

 

I think i see more in your story that you agreed with a lot of things

because you didnt want to let him feel bad about himself.

 

I think you really need to work on your self esteem

Otherwise what ever guy can make you feel this way.

 

And if you told him no, and he did not stop, then you can call it rape.

His excuse is lame!

And he did not have good intentions anyway for saying one thing and do to you another thing.

 

And one thing with saying no to a guy is, you dont stay there,you walk away immediately from the situation. Otherwise you can be talk into it back again etc.

[Arieswoman]

Schmurr,

I think you need to ask yourself why you stayed in such an abusive relationship for so long?

 

Rape counselling may help and general counselling to raise your self-esteem.

 

Whatever you do, stay NC with this guy and work on yourself.

 

Good Luck.

Edited March 23, 2014 by Arieswoman
spelling

[schmurr]

To Pineappls- I didn't go into details about the event but I was referring to when I agreed to meet him and he got me into his car.

 

To both of you- thanks for replying. I realized after getting out of the relationship how my self esteem had been beaten down. My self esteem and happiness has been on the increase since then fortunately, except for times like when I made this post when I feel unsure about myself and what happened.

 

To answer your question, Aries woman, I suppose the reason why anyone stays in an abusive relationship is because when the abuser is not acting out, they can be really nice, which often masks the abuse. They may also blame you for the way they act, which might make the abused feel that if they fixed something, the relationship with the person they love will improve. Which it doesn't. It is easier to look at a relationship from the outside and see it for what it is. I personally also think I stayed in this relationship too long because this was the kind of relationship I was used to seeing in my own family.

[LilGirlandOW]

Its rape if you say no and he persues, everybody knows that. Not all rapes are extremely violent acts. Sometimes fear will paralyze your senses and ability to act accordingly (as you mentioned fighting him off), also sometimes alcohol will do that to you... but no means no, you said the safe word and he pushed forward when he should have respectfully stopped then and there. Possibly at the time your subconscious was in fear of him acting out violently towards you if you had fought him, either way he took advantage of his power over you, which is the fear he instilled upon you, and essentially raped you in his car.

 

 

How do you get over it? You need to talk to a rape counsillor as mentioned above, even an anonymus rape hotline to start to sort out your feelings of what has happened to you and how you can go forward in repairing your self esteem and confidence for your own future. The time to do that is yesterday, but tomorrow will have to do. Don't let this savage steal your future....

 

 

(side note: I was raped in a similar manner by a man when I was 14, he was 21 or 22 while I was babysitting his sisters children where he was a tenant at her house, no he didn't beat me, but sexually taking advantage of somebody is still rape)