Considering Divorce - Unsure

[happyish]

I've been married four years to a nice guy... in general, I'm pretty happy with the life we have together... a life I'll say "goodbye" to if I walk away. Through my spouse's property, I've been able to start a successful business and live pursuing something I'm passionate about. Things I'll basically be saying "goodbye" to if I walk away.

 

Why am I considering divorce? I am finding myself unattracted to him and not wanting sex. Avoiding it, actually. He's picked up on this, and gets frustrated with me. I'm just... turned off by his approach, everything :/ There is no passion on my end - he's madly in love with me, and I'm just... apathetic? My husband and I have a huge age difference, he's much older than I am. At first, I thought "No big deal, it's unique, we've got this." But, now... I'm seeing why marrying someone much older causes problems.

 

And children - we don't have any. I married him thinking "no big deal, we've got time...", as my husband has had a vasectomy and although he's willing to reverse it, I just don't think I want kids with him. Even though I want kids. We don't communicate well - he blows up and calls me horrible names over random, stupid disagreements. He's always remorseful, but at this point, I don't even engage him and tune him out when he starts on a rant. I'd never, EVER, want to raise kids in that kind of environment.

 

I love him. I care about him. But... I feel like I love and care about him more as a friend. I feel like by staying, I'm possibly cheating myself of potential passion and opportunity to find someone I'm attracted to, clearly envision children with... and I feel selfish and horrible and lonely about that. My husband and I both feel like we are just co-existing. The last thing I want to do is hurt him... but, I'm afraid to look back one day and wonder why I stayed. Why I settled. Why I didn't have children, or give myself a different opportunity to have them. And yet, I'm scared. Scared that to walk away, I'll leave everything I've worked so hard to build, regretting hurting my husband... and not find anything I'm hoping to.

 

I feel almost like I'm struggling with a "grass may be greener on the other side" perspective, but I'm smart enough to know divorce is going to suck. We're both going to be hurt. We're both going to be lonely. But... I'm just finding myself NOT happy with my husband.

 

Any insights from people who've been there, done that, would be appreciated. :/ I told my husband I am contemplating divorce, as he kept questioning my "distance"... it broke his heart, and it broke mine to see him so upset. I don't want to string him along, but I am scared to make the wrong decision.

Edited March 23, 2014 by happyish

[Minnie09]

How did your R start and what's the age difference? How old are you guys?

First of all, and that's actually the only thing I have to say: if he calls you "horrible names" - I would consider that abusive. Has it always been that way, or did it start with you becoming more distant, hence him becoming frustrated with you? I wouldn't want to have sex with somebody who calls me names, honestly. Moreover, I wouldn't want to be friends with anybody who calls or has called me names. Why would you see him as a friend if he treats you that way? Verbal abuse is never okay. It shows a lack of self-control on his part, and I am not convinced that people like that will ever change. Many try therapy, IC and whatnot.......but they are who they are. And I don't blame you if you are losing attraction in an environment like that. No kids. Good for you.

 

I don't know. Name calling is abusive. Means disrespect. Turnoff. I would explain this to him so he understands that that may be your actual main issue. It doesn't matter if he's remorseful afterwards. Apparently he's not, if he keeps repeating the name calling. Duh.

[happyish]

Thanks for your insights! What do you mean by "R"? I'm not hip to all of the forum slang

 

We have a 27 year age difference. I'm 30. I think turning thirty is actually what set my wheels turning :/ I realized, if I want kids, I can't just sit around and hope "someday" it seems right.

 

The first time my husband screamed horrible names at me, it was a week before our wedding. I don't recall what we were having a discussion about, but I "questioned" an idea he had. I was so shocked I just cried. I wished I didn't invite 200 people to my wedding. I wanted to call it off, but didnt want to let people who helped out down :/ I thought it was a one time thing, stupidly. I used to fight back, then last year, I just said "forget it... Arguing is useless..."

[HPrynne]

R means relationship.

 

It's fortunate that you're seeing this and having these thoughts before having children. Don't have kids; get a divorce; find someone who does not verbally abuse you and have a great life. There are other people who will be a much better fit for you and be a good person for you to have kids with. Staying with your husband sounds like an unhappy train wreck, and you couldn't have kids with him (don't subject them to his abuse).

 

Don't let feeling guilty about his hurt feelings stop you. He has been willing since you got married to hurt your feelings repeatedly by verbally abusing you, and there is no reason to think it will stop. Get a divorce and don't look back. You'll be much happier.

[EmptyinNV]

I can only say that if I was in your shoes, I'd be out the door and at the attorney's office. You don't want to have a child with someone who is approaching 60 anyways and you really do not want to have a child with someone who is verbally abusive. I don't blame you for not finding him attractive, someone who treated me like that wouldn't be very sexy in my book either.

 

Listen to your intuition, it's telling you something.

[M30USA]

Your overall message seems to be that you are married to this man for the "lifestyle" that he provides for you, and that you don't really love or respect him as a husband. Is this correct?

[karnak]

It's amazing the number of people who can marry just because they're looking for a certain"lifestyle": financial stability, "fantasy of a fairy-tale marriage", getting out of the parental home, etc; instead of marrying because they really love and care about the person they're marrying.

 

And it's scary the number of these people who are in denial conecrning the real reasons for the marriage.

[iris219]

You have no desire to have sex with him because you aren't attracted to him. You love him, but you love him like a friend. You want kids but not with him.

 

Do you really want to live like this?

 

These aren't feelings that can be "fixed." You can learn to live with them if you choose to go that route, but when someone has reached this point, they rarely, if ever, come back from it.

 

You will need to decide if your lifestyle is worth the lack of passion and a genuine romantic connection with a man. For some women, the lifestyle is enough. For others, the lifestyle becomes a representation of every that is suffocating them and they have to get out.

 

While it's not right, I don't think the fact that your husband has a temper and yells is the main issue. That is an issue that can be worked through. Not being in love with someone is not fixable.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I have been in your shoes to some extent. There was a point in my marriage where I just checked out and moved toward a separation BUT only after I had exhausted every possible option to help save my marriage.

 

Once you've reached that point-of-no-return, it's really hard to come back but I will strongly encourage you to seek some marriage counseling if only to be certain of things and have no regrets in the future that you didn't try hard enough to make things work.

 

The massive age gap can be an obstacle as it the way you both communicate with one another. It's good to know that it pains you to see your husband hurt with your distance and thoughts of divorce because it shows that you really do care for him. You can love someone but not be IN love with them and that includes our partners.

 

Life is too short to live it unhappy and especially unfulfilled. You owe it to both yourself and to him to figure this out and make peace with whatever you decide.