Can I trust her again ?

[tripwire]

I found out yesterday through a anonymous phone call that my Fiancé had cheated on me at a work function of hers. She apparently drove away with one guy whom is married and then had unprotected sex.The person whom called was the wife of the guy because he came clean with her a week afterwards. After confronting her yesterday and asking she said that it`s false but then I got the guy and his wife on the phone who confirm this and then my fiancé said that it was true and that she wouldn’t have told me because she feels embarrassed about this. She did this once before with one of my mates , I forgave them both and gave her a second chance. It is really difficult for me because we share a car to get to work which we both pay and share a allot of things and stay togher.If she moves out she will have to get a appartment.What should my steps be , can I trust a person like this again because her excuse is that she was drunk like the last time ? Help me with a answer today..please.I am a very hurt man.

[TMCM]

It is obvious that your fiancee has not resolved the issue that caused her to cheat on you more than once. If I were you I would seriously consider breaking off my engagement with her until she has proven herself worthy of being trusted by willingly submitting herself to professional counseling and practicing mutual accountability. Her actions prove that she is not ready to be involved in a committed relationship and if you continue with your plans to marry her, then you are helping her continue being this way by being an enabler. Your future with her does not bode well if you consider moving forward into marriage with her under the present circumstances.

 

TMCM

[Cecelius]

She's walking all over you, frankly. She embarrassed you, got you involved in someone else's sleazy problems, lied to you and this is the second time it's happened?

 

Maybe you were noble to give her a second shot, but a 3rd? Foolish to bother.

 

Get your ring back, get rid of her and find a girl who can hold her liquor.

[alphamale]

You have two choices here TRIPWIRE:

 

1) get rid of her (recommended)

 

2) stay with her but tell her that you are going to start messing around also

 

In other words, if you decide to stay in Rome then you'll have to start doing what the Romans do.

[reservoirdog1]

Sorry to be blunt tripwire, but dump her cheating ass now.

 

You forgave her once when she showed you the monumental disrespect of not only cheating, but doing it with a friend of yours. That took incredible strength on your part. She knew what it did to you last time. She knew how much it hurt you. And yet, she did it AGAIN, this time armed with all of the information.

 

Second chances can be good things. Everybody deserves a fresh start sometimes. But you've already given her that, and she made a conscious decision to sh*t all over you AGAIN.

 

I'd bet a pound to a pinch of sh*t that if you forgive her again, the most important message she'll take away from it is, "I can treat my fiance like dirt, because he'll always forgive me." She won't stop. Why would she? She'll know that you'll just take her back again.

 

She's a pathetic waste of your time. You deserve somebody far better than she'll ever be. For god's sake, DON'T tie your future to that b*tch -- get out while it's still relatively easy, without lawyers involved.

 

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

[katie79]

"Once a Cheat, Always a Cheat"

 

You story proves this theory well.

 

The first time this happens, you should leave that person anyway. The relatioship is doomed when this happens. Even if you could patch things up, they will never be the same.

 

Now, you accepted her past behavior earlier in the relationship and look what happened. She'll do it again no matter what she tells you.

 

People cheat for various reasons. A great majority do it because it's imbedded in their personality...they can never be fixed. There are those who have the once in a lifetime deal and never do it again to their lifelong spouse (although as stated before, the relationship still has a wound forever), and lastly there are those who have cheated in past relationships (that did not become permanent) b/c they were unhappy and lacking something in the relationship...needless to say these people eventually find someone who they are satisfied with and never cheat and wind up married and faithful for 40 years.

 

This relationship is doomed no matter whatever reason this pertains to. Some things can't ever be fixed or erased. This is one of them. This was mistake #2, reason enough for you to pack your bags.

 

And this statment may be controversal, but I'm going to say it anyway...Once a cheat always a cheat, they will for the most part do it again. Even if you decide to stay with that person, things will never be the same, therefore, the relationship (whatever status it may be) is doomed for life. I don't care if 'this is different', if someone chooses have sex with another person, love does not exisist in the relationship. Respect is tied in with love. Cheating is lack of respect.

And yes, cheating doesn't just include "sex" but oral sex, fooling around, kissing, sexual fondling, and groping do count...they are just as bad.

 

Get rid of her. If she wants to *uck other men, let her be single, this may be the best thing for both of you .

 

"GET RID"!!

[uberfrau]

The only thing that matters is YOU. If YOU aren't bothered enough by her rendevous, then stay with her. Just accept the fact that she'll occasionally do this.

 

Just ask yourself 'am i bothered enough by this to leave? Do I REALLy care?

 

Beleive it or not, some people don't freak out and turn into emotional trainwrecks when their SO 'strays'.

 

Decide which one you are and move on.

[tanbark813]

Originally posted by uberfrau

Beleive it or not, some people don't freak out and turn into emotional trainwrecks when their SO 'strays'.

 

Man, it must really suck to have that little self-esteem and self-worth.

[michelangelo]

If she does this while you're engaged, she for dang sure will do this if you every marry.

 

That's what my wife did. You are quite fortunate to suffer this indignity before marriage and kids complicat e things.

 

I'd kick her out if i were you.

 

I am sorry for your pain and loss of the illusions about your relationship you have got now.

[reservoirdog1]

The only thing that matters is YOU. If YOU aren't bothered enough by her rendevous, then stay with her. Just accept the fact that she'll occasionally do this.

I think he's already made it clear that he IS bothered by her cheating, and DOESN'T want to accept it. Otherwise he wouldn't be here. He is, as he said, "a very hurt man."

 

Tripwire, a first-time one night stand by a person in a committed relationship is often a matter of acting on an impulse, disregarding everything and all of one's inhibitions and commitments in the heat of the moment. That doesn't make it right, and it doesn't make it acceptable, of course.

 

But, people shouldn't be defined by their mistakes, especially by one-time mistakes. Everybody makes those. Some such mistakes are selfish, stupid, hurtful and unthinking, like cheating.

 

It's what we do in the aftermath, in the cold, hard light of day, that defines us. Any sane person, after having made a stupid, selfish, unthinking mistake will have a moment of "oh my god, what did I do?" Those with strength of character will learn from what they did and pledge not to repeat that same mistake.

 

A cheater, through their betrayal, demonstrates massive disrespect for the person they betray. Where it's a first time ONS, however, the key component is "unthinking". They often WEREN'T thinking about what they did. (Which, again, doesn't excuse it.)

 

But when it's all over, any repeat incident is premeditated. Any subsequent incident is a DECISION to display that massive disrespect. So there was alcohol involved? So what? That's no excuse. She willingly put herself in that position, knowing that she'd done it before.

 

That woman has little or no respect for you. My TBXW was the same, only I never got the advance warning you got during the engagement. I didn't learn the truth until seven years later.

 

Frankly, in your situation, the only thing that will restore her respect for you is, unfortunately, you kicking her out of your life, and not giving her what she wants. My TBXW wants us to be friends, but I don't want that. My unwillingness to fit into HER grand scheme has, I suspect, elicited more respect from her than anything I ever did during the entire marriage. It demonstrated to her that I wasn't going to dance to her tune like an obedient little lapdog.

 

So, the ultimate question for you is, why would you want to commit your life to somebody who has little or no respect for you? There are millions of women out there who are better than her. Trust me... I know. I've met a number of them in the last year.

 

She won't respect you because she thinks you don't respect yourself. Show her that you DO have enough respect for yourself to get out of her toxic world. She doesn't deserve you.

[Fritz]

Walk away while you can bud. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." She had her second chance and blew it by blowing another guy. A married guy too. Drink/drugs make one do foolish things, which is why smart folks temper those vices and avoid getting into situations they might regret.

 

Be thankful you aren't married with kids, putting them through a divorce and losing your house/money to a cheating ho.

[uberfrau]

Tan,

 

Self Esteem has nothing to do with it. You pick your battles in this life.

 

Mr. Dog:

 

he's still with her though-he must not be bothered ENOUGH to leave, yet. Obviously, money is an issue. My sister-in-law just took back her hubby-after he beat her up 2 weeks ago, smashed her head into the driveway and the floor of the house. To me, THAT is worth leaving over...but again your pick your battles in this life. For sure, keeping him around means more money for them, and they don't have to worry about finding a sitter for their autistic 4 year old...is it a lack of self esteem on her part, or a unfortunate pragmatic decsion or both?

 

I love how everybody assumes that a sexual transgression is the ULTMATE betrayal and obviator of any relationship and that the ONLY recourse is a break up. That's simply not true.

 

You people are so worred what others do with their private parts....

[tanbark813]

The people here who feel infidelity is the ultimate betrayal have every right to feel strongly about it. Just as you have every right to not care. I don't see how you can get upset about people judging the OP's fiancee, and then turn around and judge people who *do* care what their SO's do with their private parts.

 

We've seen your posts. You don't believe in monogamy. You think cheating is no big deal. Well, congratulations, I hope that works out for you. But like reservoirdog said, the OP is obviously distraught by his situation. That doesn't make him wrong for thinking about leaving her.

 

You're right, people should pick their battles. If you are a person who believes in monogamy, and are with a partner who doesn't, then why even fight that battle? Just leave and find someone who shares your beliefs. Let the unfaithful people go off and find other unfaithful people to be with. Then everybody's a winner.

[reservoirdog1]

I love how everybody assumes that a sexual transgression is the ULTMATE betrayal and obviator of any relationship and that the ONLY recourse is a break up. That's simply not true.

I never suggested that the only possible recourse after infidelity is to break up. What I said was that a ONS is a totally different beast than an ongoing affair. They're both betrayals; the difference is that one is often stupid, impulsive, motivated by base instincts, and often occur before the sober realizations kick in. That doesn't make them right; a ONS is still a betrayal. But it's often not a cold, calculated act or blatant display of disrespect. Many relationships rebound from a ONS. A person's straying defines them as a cheater the moment they take their sober next-day realizations and decide to ignore them and do it again.

 

I agree with you, physical abuse is also a betrayal of trust. As bad as infidelity? Worse? Who am I to say that? Which is worse depends on your POV, but we're talking semantics on that one. And equally, I agree that the reasons the abused stays with the abuser, or the cheated with the cheater, aren't always capable of being reduced to the former having low self esteem. Especially where there are kids or real estate involved, there's a lot to lose by ending the relationship.

 

The fact that tripwire hasn't left yet doesn't mean that his resolve or feelings about infidelity aren't strong. Quite the opposite. In my case, before I found out about my TBXW's serial adultery, I always figured that I'd dump her if she cheated, full stop. When it actually happened, I initially wanted to reconcile. Having a great emotional investment in another person tends to muddy the waters quite a bit.

 

What tripwire is seeking, I think, is an independent assessment of his situation, because for obvious reasons he's in no position to look at his situation coldly and objectively. And, in my view, his fiancee won't change her ways if he stays with her, because she'll have no reason to. Maybe it's OK with her to have other guys' c*cks in her while she's in a committed relationship; but tripwire isn't OK with that being an ongoing thing (which it likely will be). Why should he compromise something so fundamental?

[Magus]

Dude, you better call off that marriage QUICK. She WILL cheat again.

 

You shouldn't have to pay for her bad choices.

 

Alcohol is a piss poor excuce for bad behavior.