Out of Love so Easily?????

[Mickey1982]

I am new to this forum and would like some VERY honest answers to those who have experienced a d-day. I was involved in a 3 ½ year affair that came to a screeching stop when his wife found out about us. On his d-day , he claims that a switch was flipped and he was now back in love with his wife. Yet, only the day before, he was professing his unconditional, forever love to me with thoughts of marriage.

 

Is it possible for that to happen when you are hit with a d-day? Is the force of reality so harsh that you can immediately fall out of love with your ‘soulmate’ and back in love with your wife who you claimed to love like a ‘sister’ for years?

 

Do they ever come back after a d-day or is the experience so horrific that it’s enough to stop them from reconnecting with their AF even when the dust settles?

 

I am devastated beyond belief and search for answers to help ease the pain of this mess I have gotten myself into.

[gettingstronger]

Happens all the time. Read the similar posts on here and read up on the affair fog. Best of luck to you in your healing , and please don't spend one more minute on a relationship that's not worthy of you.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Yes, to all your questions.

 

Some, when faced with reality, switch in an instant. To actually be faced with losing their spouse/family/way of life..brings clarity.

 

Some, are still confused. They need to process everything to make a decision.

 

Some, are relieved to have everything out in the open, and move forward to dissolve the marriage but still do not commit to the affair relationship.

 

Some, dissolve the marriage and begin the affair relationship from a new point of getting to know each other and date openly.

 

Some, move out from the family home, and start to live with their AP.

 

It runs quite the gamut. You need to be honest as to where you believe your affair ended up on Dday.

 

Once you know that. You can start to make plans on how you think best to proceed.

[Speakingofwhich]

I am new to this forum and would like some VERY honest answers to those who have experienced a d-day. I was involved in a 3 ½ year affair that came to a screeching stop when his wife found out about us. On his d-day , he claims that a switch was flipped and he was now back in love with his wife. Yet, only the day before, he was professing his unconditional, forever love to me with thoughts of marriage.

 

Is it possible for that to happen when you are hit with a d-day?I believe it is possible for a person to be confused about their feelings or not in touch with them so that they express them wrongly, or to be lying about their feelings. It sounds as if it's the former with your MM. Is the force of reality so harsh that you can immediately fall out of love with your ‘soulmate’ and back in love with your wife who you claimed to love like a ‘sister’ for years? Again, sounds as if your MM is confused. As much as I hate to, for your sake, write this I would guess that your MM does love his wife and had lost touch with his feelings for her.

 

Do they ever come back after a d-day or is the experience so horrific that it’s enough to stop them from reconnecting with their AF even when the dust settles? They do come back sometimes after a D day. However long that takes may depend on however long it takes for him to get their marriage to the point that he feels it's on solid ground again. Very convoluted thinking, isn't it? If he decides he wants to cake eat then the length of time it takes for him to convince her he loves her and all is AOK in their marriage will depend on his expertise in lying. Would this be a situation you'd want to be a part of?

 

I am devastated beyond belief and search for answers to help ease the pain of this mess I have gotten myself into.

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this grief, Mickey. I can only imagine what you must be experiencing. As bad as you feel, just realize how fortunate you are to have learned this before having him leave her, be with you, then return to her. Plus, you know that he's capable of cheating. Can you console yourself with the fact that you dodged a bullet and that now you are free to find someone who will be faithful to you?

[Mickey1982]

It's just so baffling to me how feelings that existed for over three years can be turned off overnight. I know that if the situation were reversed, I would not be able to do the same. I am fairly confident of that. How do you just forget someone who you shared so much of your life with overnight? I have been no contact for 8 weeks but struggle all the time just wondering if he even thinks of me! I've been through rough times in my life with death of loved ones and illness, but nothing compares to the utter grief and pain this whole experience has generated.

[MuddyRock]

Its the affair fog. It has lifted for him. He was simply eating up all the endorphins from the thrilling secret relationship.

[Mickey1982]

MuddyRock, are you saying that he never loved me?????

[whichwayisup]

Nobody can give you that answer. Everybody can guess but really the only person who can answer that is your exMM.

 

Congrats on the 8 weeks of NC. Keep pushing forward, as hard as it is for you, hopefully by summer you'll be more on the mend and not thinking/missing him so much.

[sunburned]

I am new to this forum and would like some VERY honest answers to those who have experienced a d-day. I was involved in a 3 ½ year affair that came to a screeching stop when his wife found out about us. On his d-day , he claims that a switch was flipped and he was now back in love with his wife. Yet, only the day before, he was professing his unconditional, forever love to me with thoughts of marriage.

 

Is it possible for that to happen when you are hit with a d-day? Is the force of reality so harsh that you can immediately fall out of love with your ‘soulmate’ and back in love with your wife who you claimed to love like a ‘sister’ for years?

 

Do they ever come back after a d-day or is the experience so horrific that it’s enough to stop them from reconnecting with their AF even when the dust settles?

 

I am devastated beyond belief and search for answers to help ease the pain of this mess I have gotten myself into.

 

Mickey, I am sorry for your pain. You are a new poster, not sure if you've been lurking or just discovered loveshack. If you're new, spend some time reading. Your issue is one of the most frequently posted here.

 

A lot of what I've read indicates that a Dday really does snap the married person out of the affair fog. Common wisdom on LS also suggests that married APs are capable of loving their single APs but only inside the "affair compartment." I.e. that love does not trickle into their real lives. A Dday forces that affair "love" from the side compartment to the main compartment and the response is exactly what you're seeing. It's possible he will wait a bit, play mr. niceguy at home and come crawling back to you when his wife's wrath eases up a bit. That would be a good time to gather up your power, your dignity and say "No thanks. I deserve better."

 

I read another constructive bit of advice here in January from one poster to another, addressing why some MM are so quick to say ILY. The comment is from awkward and was made January 21:

 

Married men looking to date do not have the same type of dating pool that single men have. They have a liability that many women just can't overlook. But they do have something that a lot of single men don't, and that is the ability to quickly be committed to another woman. They can jump right in with the ILY's etc. because they don't have to follow through. At the end, they get to say to the other woman, well you knew I was married.

 

When single men start with the I love you, and want to be with you, want to marry you, have babies with you, etc. it almost always comes with an expectation from the woman they are saying these things to. Great you want to marry me, where is the ring. They actually expect the guy to follow through and if he doesn't then he is probably gone.

 

Sure married men can even give their OW a ring and some do, but they CAN'T follow through because they are already married. Plus they have all these built in excuses that even the OW will make for them. I'm sure you've read about them: kids, finances, family, pets, holidays, don't want to be the bad guy, etc.

 

The link: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/456516-do-i-have-hit-breaking-point-before-i-can-end-2.html#post5485312.

 

To me, that explained why/how a MM can say ILY so easily. No follow-up required!

 

This forum is full of advice on going and maintaining No Contact (NC). Perhaps it's been forced on you, but it will work FOR you as well. Use it to move on and find someone wonderful and available. All the best ...

[Mickey1982]

sunburned, thank you for replying back with the great advice. It's still so hard for me to see to see and understand all of this. I guess I am still in the affair fog because my feelings for him remain so strong. We always agreed that is one of us decided to end it, it would done over a slow period of time with a mutual understand and continued friendship. He completely broke the promise! And, he was somewhat mean after d-day responding to most of my contact with replies of just how happy he now was in his marriage. I really believe he was a genuine person who loved me and swore that he never would hurt me. That is what is the hardest part to accept---being so nieve to believe that he would have chosen me over his wife and family.

[Hope Shimmers]

And, he was somewhat mean after d-day responding to most of my contact with replies of just how happy he now was in his marriage. I really believe he was a genuine person who loved me and swore that he never would hurt me. That is what is the hardest part to accept---being so nieve to believe that he would have chosen me over his wife and family.

 

I am really sorry for your pain. I know what it is like.

 

As for how he is acting now - it is extremely unlikely that he flipped a switch and somehow everything that was an issue in his marriage solved itself in an instant. His "fog" might have lifted (I've always hated that term), and he might have realized that he does not want to lose his family and home, but it is unlikely that if he was not happy in his marriage before, that he "suddenly" is now. As far as his being mean to you in the things he said, it is likely his wife is reading every communication he sends to you.

 

It is also likely (and common) that once things calm down, he will be back fishing around. (Happened in my case too). Now you know that he isn't going to leave his marriage, so you can protect your heart.

 

Again, I'm very sorry for the devastation I know you feel. It sucks.

[gettingstronger]

Sadly you realized too late that if he can betray his wife he can betray anyone.

[MuddyRock]

It would seem from his actions that he regrets what he has done to his wife. He chose her, and threw you under the bus. That would imply that he was using you for a self esteem boost and getting high on the affair chemicals. Reality is what he chooses. Does that mean he never loved you?

Actions and not words, are what signify the truth.

[whichwayisup]

We always agreed that is one of us decided to end it, it would done over a slow period of time with a mutual understand and continued friendship. He completely broke the promise!

 

He made many promises he couldn't keep. And no friendship could ever happen after Dday, for obvious reasons. If you were married and your H had an A, you found out about it, there's no way you would allow him to still be friends with his exOW.

 

He broke his promise to his wife, broke his vows so it doesn't surprise me he broke his promise to you. He also was in no position to make those (or any) promises to you. There was a Dday so what was promised/discussed went out the window when he was caught.

[carhill]

Do they ever come back after a d-day or is the experience so horrific that it’s enough to stop them from reconnecting with their <AP> even when the dust settles?

 

IME, if the A is an exit A, more possible. Still, everyone is different. Only the man involved knows what's in his mind.

 

Yes, some people can be 'in' and 'out' of love easily. They're wired that way. Further, each person's internal definition of 'love' is different and, not to sound like a broken record, no one else can possibly know what's in their mind. We can guess; we can trust what they say and do but it's never a sure thing.

 

If he gets a D and comes back to you, that's one answer. If it happens, see how you feel then. 'Timing' is a factor, IME. Good luck!

[Mickey1982]

The promises were made with the idea that a d-day would never happen and under the assumption that if one of us decided they could not deal with the situation, they would not blindside the other. As you said, whichwayisup, that went right out the window on d-day!

 

The crazy part is that I still hope he contacts me which is why I asked that in my original post---do they ever come back?

 

I still love him and would take him back in a heartbeat. Am I too early in the recovery process to be seeing reality--8 weeks out???

How long until the fog lifts for me and I can see the clarity? He is still very much consuming my thoughts and heart. What is wrong with me? I miss him and can't focus on the 'bad' only the good side of him and the memories we shared.

[carhill]

How long until the fog lifts for me and I can see the clarity?

 

Depends on your attachment style and length of NC, IMO. Each of us is different. Given the length of the A, I'd say give it a good check at six months NC and see how you feel.

He is still very much consuming my thoughts and heart. What is wrong with me?

Perfectly normal; you're grieving the death of a relationship.

I miss him and can't focus on the 'bad' only the good side of him and the memories we shared.

If you look up the stages of grieving, you may find some clarity on these aspects.

 

IMO, as long as you remain in contact with him, this will continue as sort of a 'limbo', essentially stalling you in the grieving process, of course presuming you choose to consider the A finished. Up to you.

 

Seen both sides of the fence, as OM and MM so have a bit of experience with each. Overall, in the case where the partners have different focuses like apparently is occurring here, NC is probably the best course of action. You're currently at cross-purposes. He's focusing on his M and you want to be with him. Something has to give to regain health. Up to you.

[rumbleseat]

No offence intended, but why are you this surprised?

 

Of you think about it, what he is saying to you now is pretty much what he said went on with him and his wife. While he was with you, he was likely still telling her he loved her, want to be with her, was glad she was his wife, etc.

 

He is showing you who he is, what he is capable of doing. He has been doing this all along. Now you can see it, and you have the ow ledge you need to make the best choices for yourself.

[Mickey1982]

rumbleseat, I have to disagree with you that he was saying those things to his wife. He told me his marriage was dead for years. He was saying THOSE things to ME, not her. And, that is why I am so devastated. He told me I was the love of his life and he loved ME more than anyone he had ever loved. He had zero feelings for her until she found out about us and then an epiphany occurred and he was back in love with her!

[MuddyRock]

You can bet he was saying those things to his wife, if only to cover suspicions.

The love wasn't dead, just normal low spots that ego needing men can't deal with. That's why it was so easy for him. He loved her all along but couldn't deal with the normal ups and downs. His eyes are open now.

He likely didn't love you but was speaking in the moment. Funny how when you stand to lose something you get your head out of your ass.

The answer is he is a selfish baby that couldn't deal with normal life and needed you to put a band aid on his booboos.

[carhill]

He told me his marriage was dead for years. He was saying THOSE things to ME, not her. And, that is why I am so devastated. He told me I was the love of his life and he loved ME more than anyone he had ever loved. He had zero feelings for her until she found out about us and then an epiphany occurred and he was back in love with her!

This is where 'trust but verify' comes in. I learned that lesson, harshly, with MW's early on back in my 20's. H was an alcoholic; H was a philanderer; H was abusive; M was 'dead' and only there for the kids. On and on. Now, with decades of life experience, I see the social hack for what it is. Now, if I'm in the middle of the M, meaning I know both spouses well, and observe such events personally, that adds a measure of verification to the process. Otherwise, it's unverified and, hence, unreliable.

 

Also, men tend to be more 'over the top' because they know, the successful ones anyway, that women like to hear such things. A spoon to stir the soul. Bonus if the messenger is attractive and easy to be with.

 

If the man's marriage was so 'bad' and he wanted out, filing for divorce costs a couple hundred bucks plus legal fees and the process would be on its way. Tip: Men are intrinsically competitive and often have a marked fear of failure and splitting up a family is often seen and perceived as a huge social failure for a man if he is the impetus for it, meaning the petitioner. If such is the case with MM, it could simply be that he's more afraid of divorce than he loves you. In the words of my generation, monetarily, socially and emotionally, it's 'cheaper to keep her', meaning his spouse. Again, impossible to know what's in his mind but I'm throwing out some of the stuff we worked in MC and fear was definitely a factor for myself.

[Hope Shimmers]

You can bet he was saying those things to his wife, if only to cover suspicions.

The love wasn't dead, just normal low spots that ego needing men can't deal with. That's why it was so easy for him. He loved her all along but couldn't deal with the normal ups and downs. His eyes are open now.

He likely didn't love you but was speaking in the moment. Funny how when you stand to lose something you get your head out of your ass.

The answer is he is a selfish baby that couldn't deal with normal life and needed you to put a band aid on his booboos.

 

How on earth do you know this?

 

rumbleseat, I have to disagree with you that he was saying those things to his wife. He told me his marriage was dead for years. He was saying THOSE things to ME, not her. And, that is why I am so devastated. He told me I was the love of his life and he loved ME more than anyone he had ever loved. He had zero feelings for her until she found out about us and then an epiphany occurred and he was back in love with her!

 

No epiphany occurred and nothing changed except that she found out. What he is doing is damage control.

Edited March 23, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[Mickey1982]

So, he fell back in love with his wife after his d-day. Eyes became open and he saw the loss of her, children, home, etc etc etc. Can he truly be that happy after being so happy with me for over 3 years? Have I completed vanished from his mind completely? I know I sound pathetic, but you can see just how upset I still am over this!

[Hope Shimmers]

So, he fell back in love with his wife after his d-day. Eyes became open and he saw the loss of her, children, home, etc etc etc. Can he truly be that happy after being so happy with me for over 3 years? Have I completed vanished from his mind completely? I know I sound pathetic, but you can see just how upset I still am over this!

 

No, it is not likely that he 'fell back in love with' his wife after D-day. But he did likely wake up and decide he didn't want to lose his family. The happy act is likely just that, for the benefit of his W who is likely watching.

 

No, it is not likely that you vanished from his mind instantly after an intense 3+-year affair.

 

See my other post earlier in the thread in case you missed it - it didn't appear right away so you may have missed it. I have been in your shoes.

[MuddyRock]

I've been on both sides on infidelity. He is not really thinking too much of you right now. Given the poor tone when he did talk to you he likely hates you. That's what happens. They try and take the blame off themselves and shift it on to you. He is having a huge fallout at home and he hates what he has done to her. He hates you for your part in it. He regrets what you have done together and wishes he could go back in time. You are a black spot on his life. This is all if he is really remorseful and it sounds like he is.

He may come back once the dust settles but it's doubtful. Then you will be a dirty secret again . If his wife throws him out he will probably come back. Do you really want to be someone's second choice? There are kids involved so she is around forever no matter what. If he doesn't want a divorce and she leaves anyway, and he comes back to you, she will always be a threat to the relationship.

There is no good here for you other then to move on.