Out of Love so Easily?????

[Mickey1982]

ZMM---can you tell me more about your situation?

[Popsicle]

Nothing changed in his marriage but he doesn't want to get a divorce. Let him go. Let. Him. Go.

 

Love does not conquer all for men. They are more practical.

[ZMM]

ZMM---can you tell me more about your situation?

 

Later - I have to run out right now - I didn't want you to think I was disregarding your question.

[Speakingofwhich]

Mickey, I had a D day years ago. He didn't throw me under the bus, all remained the same for him but I broke up with him at D day. Was away from him for 13 years though he contacted me every couple of years and we spoke briefly.

 

We reunited last spring and have been off again on again since.

 

I asked him what he told his wife at D day 14 years ago. And he responded, "I think when someone is behaving that way (he had described his wife's anger and her behavior) you'll tell them anything they want to hear to get them to stop."

 

It's possible that's (or some variation of that) what happened with your MM. I'm not saying your situation is the same as mine was. All I'm saying is that you can't possibly know by what he's telling you what's really going on unless the two of you are face to face and you're both certain there's no VAR nearby.

 

Yes, it's possible he would say the same things to you he's saying now. But, I don't believe it's probable because of the differences in the characteristics of the expressions of the person you described you knew for three and a half years and the expressions of the person he suddenly became at D day.

 

A person may take a totally different position when seeing things a different way, but they don't become a totally different person when viewing things a different way. They handle things in a consistent manner even if their thoughts and feelings about things change. A kind person remains kind, they just express kindly that their feelings have changed. A cruel person remains cruel and is cruel in their expressions of changed feelings. This man has changed from being kind and supportive to expressing his change of feelings in a cruel manner by rubbing your face in it. It seems someone is monitoring him. Unless, of course, there are issues of mental disorders.

 

Something doesn't set right about the things he's saying in view of his consistent behavior for the years you were involved with him. Something seems really off with this picture.

[blue963]

What is hurting more. The fact the you are no longer together or that you put yourself in this position, accomodated him, did anything you could to make him happy, etc. I am not criticizing you. I think this is what bothers women the most, that we have done that and given it our all love will all we have and it was disregarded.

[HermioneG]

To the OP- although my spouse chose to fight for our marriage, it was a good six months before his brain was done thinking about the affair partner. He absolutely had withdrawal- which is one of the reasons I am very glad he was not allowed to live with me until he had worked that all out for himself.

 

He describes it now as waking up slowly and being able to frame the relationship as what it was.

[Tullyseptember]

Hi Mickey, I hope today brings you further clarity and more importantly that the focus shifts from JAM (just a man/just a woman) to yourself. I can understand your grief on some levels on the loss of this relationship (I can't say completely because I'm not you:) ) at some point though you would need to explore why you put yourself in a relationship that had its limitations. Moving beyond the feelings of the love you both expressed to each other ask yourself questions on how you got to a point of being with someone that had a very high percentage (100%) of many people being deeply hurt, yourself included. No contact will help you find these answers. It doesn't matter what JAM tells you or even if his love was real. What matters is you love yourself and then I believe you will see his actions for what they were as well as your own:)

[ZMM]

ZMM---can you tell me more about your situation?

 

You can read my old thread if you like. And a lot has changed for the good since I posted that.

 

And right now, I don't feel a need to post any more details of my private life on LoveShack. However, I will say this - I never had a D-Day. But if I did, my reaction would not have been the same as your MM. Some would say, You don't know that for sure until you actually have a D-Day. Well, I had a fake D-Day, where I was accused of cheating and W threatened Divorce. I didn't know what she had found out or how - I just said fine, I think we should get a Divorce and I will move out. It turned out, W was upset about something else and just said that. She didn't even think it to be true. She totally backed off and then started being a lot nicer to me, nicer than she had ever been. It didn't really matter though, because it was too little, too late and I was in love with someone else.

[Mickey1982]

What is hurting more. The fact the you are no longer together or that you put yourself in this position, accomodated him, did anything you could to make him happy, etc. I am not criticizing you. I think this is what bothers women the most, that we have done that and given it our all love will all we have and it was disregarded.

 

I think what is botherinmg me the most is the fact that he has claimed a switch was thrown on d-day which caused him to decide to work on his dead marriage. In follow up conversation after d-day, he claimed how happy he now was and well things were going in his marriage--'better than ever!"

 

That is what I am having a hard time accepting and is keeping me stuck. If he told me that he still loved me, but needed to focus on his marriage and was doing the right thing, it would be easier. It was teh fact that he now claimed to be moving on so easy and so happy about the situation that stings me.

[gettingstronger]

Things I remember for early MC sessions with my husband

 

1. He felt powerful in his A, like he had a secret that no one else knew and it gave him a high- once exposed he felt like crap about that instantly, he was embarrassed by ever feeling like that

 

2. He never knew I loved him enough to at least try to work on our marriage- it gave him a sense of profound love and meaning that he never knew existed- although he felt horrible about what he did, the fact that I was able to even consider reconciliation made him love me more than ever

 

3.He likened it to "drunk dancing" at a wedding- you think you look like John Travolta dancing, then you see the video played back and see what you really looked like

 

None of this is a reflection on you- he was the one in denial, not you- I hope you can come to a place where you can put value back on how you feel about you and not what he thinks of you-I know as a BS it took me a long time to do this- to value me for how I feel about me, not devalue me because he chose to cheat-

 

Again-be gentle and kind to you-take care

[Furious]

I am new to this forum and would like some VERY honest answers to those who have experienced a d-day. I was involved in a 3 ½ year affair that came to a screeching stop when his wife found out about us. On his d-day , he claims that a switch was flipped and he was now back in love with his wife. Yet, only the day before, he was professing his unconditional, forever love to me with thoughts of marriage.

 

Is it possible for that to happen when you are hit with a d-day? Is the force of reality so harsh that you can immediately fall out of love with your ‘soulmate’ and back in love with your wife who you claimed to love like a ‘sister’ for years?

 

Do they ever come back after a d-day or is the experience so horrific that it’s enough to stop them from reconnecting with their AF even when the dust settles?

 

I am devastated beyond belief and search for answers to help ease the pain of this mess I have gotten myself into.

 

 

 

This may sound brutal but.....

 

You just experienced a cheaters budget divorce.

 

Breaking off with the affair partner costs zero. No alimony, no shared custody, no loss of standard of living, no lawyers fees.

 

Cheaters are cheap...

[rumbleseat]

OP,

In the end, you may never really know what went on in his mind. Accepting that may be hard, but with acceptance will come the knowledge that, no matter what his feelings, you are more than worthy of being l<o>ved. It sounds like you have a b<i>g heart, lots of <l>ove to give to the right person.

Edited March 24, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[sunburned]

Mickey, a couple other posters alluded to this and I agree. Your MM is probably being monitored -- for good reason -- by his wife. Three and a half years is a long time. I suspect he really did love you, but didn't know what to do about it. Sounds like he didn't give much consideration to divorce.

 

As others have said, it's not just a woman these guys have to decide on, but their lives -- children, home, careers, country club membership, respect, etc. You mentioned there were simply a lot of things you didn't think of -- didn't dream of -- during the affair. He was probably in the same boat. And, when he got caught, he just went into survival mode to buy some time and space. I would bet good money he'll be back with all sorts of apologies. What you need to think about is do you want him back? I hope you will have enough time between now and then to think things through rationally. I would be worried that even if you got married to or had a LTR with this man, how would he handle other crises that might develop during your time together? What exactly was your own long-term plan with him? Were you content to be in just an A, or was he planning to leave his W for you? And exactly how much longer than 3.5 years were you planning to allot? You don't need to answer these questions here. Just think about them.

 

I am a tad bit older than you, so I don't mean this unkindly. But you are -- statistically speaking -- in middle age. Choose your romantic partners wisely if (IF!) you ultimately want an exclusive and long-term R. I'm certainly not suggesting you start dating now. Just pointing out that it isn't going to get any easier as time marches on. Be done with this guy for good.

[Furious]

The assumption he is being monitored by his wife is interesting.

 

If so, what does this imply....does this make him more appealing to you, that he is being cruel to you while under duress from an evil wife monitoring him, and does this demostrate he's a pathetic coward if this is the case.

 

How's that working for you...do you want to believe he is helpless or a master manipulater who is only looking out for himself.

[whichwayisup]

. I would bet good money he'll be back with all sorts of apologies. What you need to think about is do you want him back?

 

I would hope you don't take him back. Chances are, if he does contact you it'll be fishing to see if you're still into him and interested in either 'being friends' or continuing the affair. I doubt very much you want to continue an A with him after he hurt you and led you to believe you two would have a life together.

[Mickey1982]

I would hope you don't take him back. Chances are, if he does contact you it'll be fishing to see if you're still into him and interested in either 'being friends' or continuing the affair. I doubt very much you want to continue an A with him after he hurt you and led you to believe you two would have a life together.

 

That's what scares me - as hurt as I am, but heart is not strong enough (at least not now) to not hear what he has to say. I hope that if the day should ever occur when he does 'fish' to see how I am and/or interested, I am over him and can keep the door bolted. Right now, I have to be honest, I love him still too much to walk away.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Mickey, you stated in another post that he confessed the affair to his wife. I do not want to make assumptions, does that mean MM brought about Dday on his own?

[Mickey1982]

Mickey, you stated in another post that he confessed the affair to his wife. I do not want to make assumptions, does that mean MM brought about Dday on his own?

 

No, she found e-mails between us and confronted him.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Just as MM had decided to put his energies elsewhere, you should do the same.

 

Personally, I do not think it wise, to only use past behaviours/words when making judgements/decisions regarding someone. We need to use current information.

 

How can you use current information to move forward in a healthy way?

 

There are times when one needs to be selfish with their personal resources. Is this a time, that maybe you need to be?

[whichwayisup]

That's what scares me - as hurt as I am, but heart is not strong enough (at least not now) to not hear what he has to say. I hope that if the day should ever occur when he does 'fish' to see how I am and/or interested, I am over him and can keep the door bolted. Right now, I have to be honest, I love him still too much to walk away.

 

Don't get yours hopes up that he'll contact you just because others have had their exMM's break contact and want to restart the A. Sure many exMM's/xMW's contact their exAP but don't assume he will. Some let go and walk away for good and if he truly is happy at home, working with his wife to get his marriage back on track, he won't reach out to you and want to restart the A.

 

Once you get to that anger stage thoughts of him and wanting to continue being his OW, be in the A again will be far from your mind. If anything, you'll lash out at him and tell him off and to not contact you again. Do your best to remember those red flags, how selfish he was, how ALL the focus was always about him, seeing him and being with him was on HIS terms and time frame, not yours. You gave and gave, he took and took. that is not a loving and giving R, it's unhealthy and selfish and also wasn't a regular R.

[Mickey1982]

First d day, my MM contacted me and wanted me back, second d day, the pain is unimaginable, driving us both mad, don't go through another. silly for me to say but i was so in love, i could not imagine my life without him. Second d day, lots of years together, much much harder. Think carefully before you take him back when he finally makes that call.

 

I hope I can take your advise cherishtruelove....how long did he wait to come back after the first d-day and were you no contact? I am so torn. I head wants to forget him so badly, but my heart is still his.

[RightThere]

MuddyRock, are you saying that he never loved me?????

 

Likely he was in lust, not love.

 

Being in lust, which many affairs are, do not have the same needs and sacrifices that a marriage or being in love does.

[Daisy2013]

I'm just dropping a line to wish you strength and peace. Mourn, but carry on with your life, finding things to do that help you grow and find happiness. You were with him a long time. He probably did love you and maybe still does. I don't think one would stay in an A for lust for 3 years. At some point that excitement wears off and you develop a love or it falls apart. "Love sometimes isn't enough" for them to leave sometimes, no matter how miserable they say they are. That is a quote from my exMM. We no doubt do love each other, but at his age, he refused to D, as he said it would be his 3rd, and I've would feel like a personal failure. And too much to loose when push came to shove.

 

Will he come back to you? Who knows. If he does, remember what you are going through now, and multiply that pain should he leave again, if you allow the A to resume. Don't resume it! Mine would "dump" me out of guilt every few months or so, but never stop calling and declaring his love, and we'd resume. It took me to stop it at 2 1/2 years when I couldn't take the pain anymore, although he still calls and tells me he loves me, and we talk. But, you have to be at that place to be able to handle it.

 

Be strong, and good luck. So sorry this happened to you.

[Mickey1982]

It took me to stop it at 2 1/2 years when I couldn't take the pain anymore, although he still calls and tells me he loves me, and we talk. But, you have to be at that place to be able to handle it.

 

Daisy, how long did it take you to get 'over him?'

Edited March 26, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Quiet Storm]

I think he meant it when he said he loved you. Its just that the negative ramifications of the affair often change the cheater's perception. The affair no longer enhances his life, but threatens it. It changes from a benefit into a liability.

 

Marriages go through ups and downs. Sometimes spouses neglect each other. This may cause some people to assume the spouse doesnt care, is no longer attracted or the marriage is "dead". When an affair is discovered and the cheater sees the intense pain of their spouse, it often is a catalyst for change. They may see they were wrong and their spouse does still care. The problems that were avoided for so long are unavoidable, so problems get acknowledged, issues get addressed, feelings are discussed and emotions are recharged.

 

Also, affairs are often handled like addictions. The addict loves the drug and the feelings it provides. But when consequences occur, such as losing a job or a spouse, it changes. The drug that was the source of happiness becomes a bad habit, a weakness and a source of shame. This doesn't negate the feelings that the drug provided, but the consequences lead to regret. It's like going to the most wonderful party and having the best night of your life, only to drink too much, drive and crash your car, injuring a family. The awesome night loses its sparkle and is dwarfed by the consequences. An affair is similar... the feelings are genuine at the time, but become tarnished by the pain the affair causes.

 

It is just very unfortunate for you because you become the collateral damage. He is a selfish man with issues. If he is sending those emails for the benefit of his wife, it shows whose feelings he truly values. He lied to protect her from the affair, he is now trying to make it up to her. He is not checking on you, or concerned about your state of mind. Her feelings are his focus and you are left alone to cope. That's not the actions of a man that loves you. He may eventually come back for more affair, and if you engage you show him that he doesn't have to show you care, concern or respect. He is just SO special that you'll sacrifice what you deserve just to be graced with his presence. Dont do that to yourself. You are worth so much more.

 

Im sorry you are hurting. Just give yourself the time and space to heal. I know you dont believe it yet, but this man's love is not a valuable commodity. Its just the manifestation of a selfish man's issues and inability to manage his life. A man capable of a 3 1/2 year affair is not a good pick for a partner.

 

Its not about if he loved you. He did. Its about if he can love you the way you need and deserve to be loved. He can't or he won't, and that's the unfortunate reality.

Edited March 24, 2014 by Quiet Storm