carhill Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 If he's still contacting you, that indicates you haven't 'vanished from his mind'. Frankly, I would have held out more hope for this if he had sent you a 'D-day - I'm working on my M and won't contact you again' message. To me, that would have indicated that he's a decisive man and, if his decision was at some point to be with you, he'd make it decisively and act. As it is, he's waffling and indecisive, IMO. In dating, such events are often known as keeping a prospect 'on simmer'. MW's were expert at this. Just enough interaction and titillation to 'keep the fires burning'. I'd expect this process to go on for some time and for you to be upset for some time. Perfectly normal. I'd suggest reaching out to friends IRL, one's you trust to accept you and this A, and seek support from them as you work through this. They know you better than we do and, more importantly, love you. You'll get a lot of unfiltered advice here, as balance. You'll get through it 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyRock Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 How on earth do you know this? Because it's common, and he pretty much told her this on the phone after d-day. Please, 3 1/2 years he wasn't telling his wife he loved her, didn't have sex with her? What cheating man would tell his mistress he was happy at home, and that he is a selfish brat that wants cake too? That wouldn't work too well would it? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
confusedandhurt2002 Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 Yes. If he did. He'd be with you. MuddyRock, are you saying that he never loved me????? Link to post Share on other sites
confusedandhurt2002 Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 How the hell do you know what he said to her. He lied to her for three years you don't think he did the same to you. How naïve are you? He cheated on his wife for all that time and told you what he wanted you to hear, just like he did her. You just need to accept that and move on with your life. The lack of closure sucks, I realize, but I don't think you really deserve it. You should have got your own man, not one who promised his life to someone else and then **** all over that promise. rumbleseat, I have to disagree with you that he was saying those things to his wife. He told me his marriage was dead for years. He was saying THOSE things to ME, not her. And, that is why I am so devastated. He told me I was the love of his life and he loved ME more than anyone he had ever loved. He had zero feelings for her until she found out about us and then an epiphany occurred and he was back in love with her! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 Because it's common, and he pretty much told her this on the phone after d-day. Please, 3 1/2 years he wasn't telling his wife he loved her, didn't have sex with her? What cheating man would tell his mistress he was happy at home, and that he is a selfish brat that wants cake too? That wouldn't work too well would it? My ex-MM did not say negative things about his W. He never lied about loving her. He also did not lie about being unhappy in the M, which was verified by several other people close to them. Just because he decided to stay in his M does not mean he didn't and doesn't love the AP. And just because something is 'common' does not make it fact in every case. That was the point I was attempting to make. Telling someone who is in pain and devastated after the breakup of a 3.5 year relationship that he 'hates' her is not helpful in my opinion. Luckily, it very likely is far from true as well. Thanks for the response. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mickey1982 Posted March 23, 2014 Author Share Posted March 23, 2014 Hope Shimmers, I have no idea who you are, but we seem to think alike on our opinions of my situation. I don't know if our outcomes were similiar, but I really would love to hear your story. carhill, he is NOT contacting me. Our last contact was 8 weeks ago when he told me he had to work on his marriage, but he still LOVED me. That is why I hold out hope he contact me--crazy, right? I know you are all telling me that he told his wife he loved her, had sex with her, blah blah blah, but honestly, he told me over and over again that he had a dead marraige. He didn't have to tell me anything beacuse I never asked. He was starved for love everytime I saw him. She provided no love back to him. Yet, it all changed in an instant for them both! He claims she is 'back into the marriage' as much as he is now. So, the dead marraige has been resurrected by her as well! Link to post Share on other sites
confusedandhurt2002 Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 Stupid forum would not let me edit this and I know I did it under the time limit! I want to change my harshness. I was only trying to be a realist and snap some sense inot you but came off sounding like a true bitch. Geez. Sorry about that. Have my own issues to deal with and I really judged you harshly. Apologies. How the hell do you know what he said to her. He lied to her for three years you don't think he did the same to you. How naïve are you? He cheated on his wife for all that time and told you what he wanted you to hear, just like he did her. You just need to accept that and move on with your life. The lack of closure sucks, I realize, but I don't think you really deserve it. You should have got your own man, not one who promised his life to someone else and then **** all over that promise. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyRock Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 Yes, he is love staved. Because something in him is broken. Marriage is a two way street. Men like him are draining. His wife probably got sick of whatever crap he was dishing her at home so withdrew. There is only so much giving someone can do. Men like him can never have enough so they go elsewhere. The wife is probably so thrilled to have her husband back in her life, but its tainted by why. Afterall he has been checked out because of you for 3 1/2 years. There isn't much she could have done to compete with affair world. Sure, many many times the wife is a shrew, but these are the ones who DIVORCE. There are so many divorces now a days. Truly neglected people o not stay for the kids anymore, on most cases. The men on Dday will often say they still love you in the first day or so, but ask them again when the fog has lifted and the answer will change. o not believe any of his story, it is at the very least greatly exaggerated in his favor. I know because I have done it (thank god 20 years ago and not now) Link to post Share on other sites
snappytomcat Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 sunburned, thank you for replying back with the great advice. It's still so hard for me to see to see and understand all of this. I guess I am still in the affair fog because my feelings for him remain so strong. We always agreed that is one of us decided to end it, it would done over a slow period of time with a mutual understand and continued friendship. He completely broke the promise! And, he was somewhat mean after d-day responding to most of my contact with replies of just how happy he now was in his marriage. I really believe he was a genuine person who loved me and swore that he never would hurt me. That is what is the hardest part to accept---being so nieve to believe that he would have chosen me over his wife and family. dear mickey,im truly sorry for your broken heart,my husband was one who shut his feelings down after a 3 year long distance affair,he said the fog was so thick,because she stroked his ego daily,but now when he sees clearly he said he never did love her,sadly she was just an escape for him,and she put everything into the relationship she had with him,she shut her life off to everyone else,but him,and now shes all alone,please don't let this happen to you,you deserve better,and remember that he broke his promise to his wife first good luck 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mickey1982 Posted March 23, 2014 Author Share Posted March 23, 2014 There are no harsh words, confusedandhurt. I am looking for honesty and answers. Even 8 weeks out, I am sick over this entire mess I have gotten myself into. I have confided in very few people and have been reading this board since the very beginning and finally decided to post for help and advice. My MM supported me thru some really difficult times these past few years. He was my biggest cherleader and confidant. We were buddies, lovers and best friends. That is why it is so hard to imagine it all being tossed and ripped out from under me overnight. I guess I never imagined a d-day being so destructive-we never talked about it and I just assumed he would 'make peace' at home or leave her and we would continue. I think MuddyRock is right to say that I am a black mark in his life right now and that he hates me and won't be back. That's hard to swallow, but I think it is the truth. His comments to me at the end were hurtful beacuse he continually threw in my face how happy he was in his life now and how free he felt. It hurts like heck to be so blindsided and stupid. That's how I feel right now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 The men on Dday will often say they still love you in the first day or so, but ask them again when the fog has lifted and the answer will change. Hmmm. My ex-MM still says he loves me 3+ years after D-Day and the end of the A. Even though he is - and will be - staying in his M. And we were LONG past "affair fog" even well before the end of the A (which lasted many years). So apparently that is not always true. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 carhill, he is NOT contacting me. Our last contact was 8 weeks ago when he told me he had to work on his marriage, but he still LOVED me. That is why I hold out hope he contact me--crazy, right? I know you are all telling me that he told his wife he loved her, had sex with her, blah blah blah, but honestly, he told me over and over again that he had a dead marraige. He didn't have to tell me anything beacuse I never asked. He was starved for love everytime I saw him. She provided no love back to him. Yet, it all changed in an instant for them both! He claims she is 'back into the marriage' as much as he is now. So, the dead marraige has been resurrected by her as well! Ah, I mis-read. Apologies! That changes things, especially if the content of his last communication was decisive. Something to google is a concept called 'hysterical bonding'. It's sounds 'crazy' but it's not really meant that way, and often occurs after D-day, almost like a renewal of the early limerence period in the relationship. IMO, if the fMM remains NC, chances are greater that, should his M fail and he D's, he'll be as equally decisive should he choose to contact you at that point. Granted, the 'timing' may be gone and you may have moved on. That's how things go in life. One question: How long has he been married and is this his first marriage? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mickey1982 Posted March 23, 2014 Author Share Posted March 23, 2014 It is his first marraige and he is married 26 years. How long does hysterical bonding last? Just the thought of it makes me vomit! Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyRock Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 My ex-MM did not say negative things about his W. He never lied about loving her. He also did not lie about being unhappy in the M, which was verified by several other people close to them. Just because he decided to stay in his M does not mean he didn't and doesn't love the AP. And just because something is 'common' does not make it fact in every case. That was the point I was attempting to make. Telling someone who is in pain and devastated after the breakup of a 3.5 year relationship that he 'hates' her is not helpful in my opinion. Luckily, it very likely is far from true as well. Thanks for the response. She wanted to hear people experience, and that is my experience and that of several of my friends who have been through infidelity. Your relationship is different in that you were both happy to be "just in an affair". Hers is different because he was future faking because he knew she wouldn't stay with him if he told her she was just a side piece. Theres a saying in the medical field. "If you hear hoof beats, look for horses before looking for zebras" It basically means that most of the time things are the common way, not the rare way. I think that could be applied to affairs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyRock Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 So does your user name indicate you are 30? And his marriage date he has to be about 46? That is also typical age difference. That's about the right age for the mid life crisis affair, especially given its a 26 year marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 The promises were made with the idea that a d-day would never happen and under the assumption that if one of us decided they could not deal with the situation, they would not blindside the other. As you said, whichwayisup, that went right out the window on d-day! The crazy part is that I still hope he contacts me which is why I asked that in my original post---do they ever come back? I still love him and would take him back in a heartbeat. Am I too early in the recovery process to be seeing reality--8 weeks out??? How long until the fog lifts for me and I can see the clarity? He is still very much consuming my thoughts and heart. What is wrong with me? I miss him and can't focus on the 'bad' only the good side of him and the memories we shared. Those promises and your R with him (affair) was based ON the expense of his wife and marriage. He really was in no position to give you hope, to act like he loved you and I think deep down he knew it was just an A, though you thought it was more than that. This is why he's able to walk away and not look back. He didn't invest as much as you did, or if he did, he is/was able to just suck it up and put it out of his head to move on. I know you're hurting so I'm sorry if my words sting. Your memories were built on shaky ground, and in an affair setting where feelings are great and intense but not based on real life and out in the open. Your feelings got fed, his didn't because he had other focuses his is own world/life with his wife and family (i take it he has kids?). I hope soon you get to the anger stage so you can stop being so sad and missing him so much. You need to start to get tough on yourself and not let yourself reminisce so much about what you shared. It's over and he isn't coming back. You need to give up hope so you can really let go and get him out of your heart. That bit of hope left is what's keeping you where you are now. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 She wanted to hear people experience, and that is my experience and that of several of my friends who have been through infidelity. Your relationship is different in that you were both happy to be "just in an affair". Hers is different because he was future faking because he knew she wouldn't stay with him if he told her she was just a side piece. Theres a saying in the medical field. "If you hear hoof beats, look for horses before looking for zebras" It basically means that most of the time things are the common way, not the rare way. I think that could be applied to affairs. My apologies if you were only saying your own experience - I was reading things like "he feels this way" and "he hates you" etc and it didn't seem like you were saying it in the context of just your own experience. My relationship - not that it matters - was very much like this OP's in that we were planning to marry - had even found a place to live. Lots of future planning. So no, we were not "just happy to be in an affair", not for any of the years it went on. But thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 It is his first marraige and he is married 26 years. How long does hysterical bonding last? Just the thought of it makes me vomit! 26 years of marriage and a long history with his wife vs a 3 year affair. Not saying that to be mean but you need to see the reality of it. NO way would he walk away and give up everything he knows and loves. His family, in laws, the life he's built. Yeah he was stupid to have an A with you but you also knew going in he was married and for how long, it's not like he lied to you and pretended there was no wife or marriage. He continued to live life with his wife while having the A with you. For a little bit, focus on yourself and find anger at 'you' so maybe you can get angry at him too. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mickey1982 Posted March 23, 2014 Author Share Posted March 23, 2014 Hope Shimmers - how long did it take you to get over your exMM and are you in any contact now? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 MuddyRock, are you saying that he never loved me????? Honey, he mainly loves himself. So much so that he's willing to hurt several women with lies and deception. He may have loved you - may love his wife the whole time too. But he loves himself more. Remember - cheaters lie all the time to keep getting whatever they want. Question is - why would you believe anything he said? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyRock Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 Hope shimmers, so he told you he loved his wife and was happy, yet you believed him that he would leave her? That doesn't really make a lot of sense. But , I guess when your in it, it does. Why would anyone want to be with a man that could leave his wife for them even though he was not miserable with her? That is either someone that is whacked for marrying someone he hardy knew in the first place or has some serious commitments issues ie will easily do that to me. I wouldn't touch that with a 100 foot pole. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mickey1982 Posted March 23, 2014 Author Share Posted March 23, 2014 I am actually 42 (1984 is my address, not my age) and he is 48. Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 Hope shimmers, so he told you he loved his wife and was happy, yet you believed him that he would leave her? That doesn't really make a lot of sense. But , I guess when your in it, it does. Why would anyone want to be with a man that could leave his wife for them even though he was not miserable with her? That is either someone that is whacked for marrying someone he hardy knew in the first place or has some serious commitments issues ie will easily do that to me. I wouldn't touch that with a 100 foot pole. Here is what I said in my previous post: "My ex-MM did not say negative things about his W. He never lied about loving her. He also did not lie about being unhappy in the M, which was verified by several other people close to them" I apologize if that is confusing, and it may be so in the way that I worded it. He was, and is, miserable in the marriage. In fact, he was separated and going through the process of divorce when we started. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 He's obviously staying with her. Why even bother thinking about him? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 23, 2014 Share Posted March 23, 2014 We were buddies, lovers and best friends. That is why it is so hard to imagine it all being tossed and ripped out from under me overnight. Imagine how his wife felt during Dday. Magnify what you're feeling x100. That's how she's feeling. The man she married, the man she thought she knew pulled a 3 year affair behind her back. He betrayed you but he betrayed her as well in a much worse way, he made promises and vows to her in front of their family and friends. I am trying to get you to see another side of it to try to bring out ANGER in you and put it on him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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