Out of Love so Easily?????

[RickFox]

He loved you in the confines of the affair, but not enough to turn his back on the woman he spent the last 26 years with. Oh he will back, count on it, you were the exciting one. If you give in, you will confirm doormat status of which he believes you are. Oh and I.told my wife in the beginning I.hated xm.... just words.... but my marriage became important too....you don't mean as much to him as you thought, bottom line

[rumbleseat]

I want an explanation for his change of emotions. I want an HONEST answer as to if he really loved me. He told me that he thought about a life with me - a marraige. I want the truth. It is hard for me to get past the thought that he changed his feelings and fell out of love with me overnight and back into love with his wife in a matter of hours. And, that she was so willing to be back in love with him after he just confessed it all to her.

 

That's what can be so hard to understand.

 

The simple explanation for how it's all so easy for him is that he never really stopped loving her, nor her him.

 

As the saying goes, you never know what you have until it's gone. It applies to his m and his feelings for his w.

 

As for you, don't let him hurt you any more than he already has. It sounds like you did everything you could to make him happy, and look at how he treated you! That is not your fault, it is his.

 

Right now, he has the power to hurt you, but you can take that away from him. You can't turn your emotions on and off like a switch, but you can decide how to act on them and how to begin to find your way to a place where he won 'to matter anymore.

[Hope Shimmers]

You are not powerless, Mickey! You have not contacted this man in 8 weeks! That takes power and discipline.

 

You're facing your pain and dealing with it. That's powerful!

 

You are standing up for yourself on this thread in a courteous way and you are open-minded and considering what others have to say and advise.

 

From the way you are expressing yourself and interacting with other posters I would conclude you're a very capable person who is going to heal and rise above this situation. That's powerful!

 

Absolutely! I must commend you for the classy way you are handling some of these responses. That says very much about your character and your ability to get through this. You are a very strong, caring, and classy person.

[rumbleseat]

Thank you again--EVERYONE.

 

I just want to find some peace and happiness again. Right now, it seems so impossible, but I am taking the words of those who have been in my shoes that the day will come eventually.

 

I look forward to being angry, moving ahead and being able to smile again.......

 

You'll find your way there. Just look after yourself and remember that no matter what, you'll always be able to depend on YOU .

 

Be kind to yourself and treat yourself to something nice every day. Get yourself out there, try new things, find excitement in your life that doesn't depend on him. You'll find "you" again, and you'll feel that smile on your face before you know it.

[Fluttershy]

You may never know what kind of xMM you had. All you can do is work on your self esteem so that you make choices that are good for you and not toxic. This love was toxic. It may not have felt like it at the time but the after effects are here an they are destroying you.

[Hope Shimmers]

The simple explanation for how it's all so easy for him is that he never really stopped loving her, nor her him.

 

As the saying goes, you never know what you have until it's gone. It applies to his m and his feelings for his w.

 

I sincerely doubt that any of this is easy for him.

 

As to whether he loves his W, and what applies to his M and what doesn't, we can't know that. Only he does.

[Mickey1982]

You are right that he was toxic and the after effects destroyed and continue to destroy me. I am an exercise maniac who USED to run 5-6 days a week. I managed to run about 5 days since this all happened. I've lost 12 pounds and I am thin to begin with. I look sick! Plus, I am popping ambien like candy just to get a few hours of sleep! I've got to get my act together, get him out of my heart and stop letting him ruin me.

[EnderA]

You are right that he was toxic and the after effects destroyed and continue to destroy me. I am an exercise maniac who USED to run 5-6 days a week. I managed to run about 5 days since this all happened. I've lost 12 pounds and I am thin to begin with. I look sick! Plus, I am popping ambien like candy just to get a few hours of sleep! I've got to get my act together, get him out of my heart and stop letting him ruin me.

 

Use exercise to find your way back. Hold on to that. Force yourself to run. Then, when you are ready, force yourself to the gym.

 

Channel all of this into something positive and let the exercise endorphins help you.

[Speakingofwhich]

Plus, I am popping ambien like candy just to get a few hours of sleep! I've got to get my act together, get him out of my heart and stop letting him ruin me.

 

Ever tried melatonin to help you sleep? It's inexpensive and non addictive. I've used it for years and especially during tough times!

[Bootsie]

I'm also on the other side of the triangle. My husband had a 3.5 year affair too. He supported her (the OW) through a whole lot of trauma including the death of her H.

 

 

On d-day I discovered an email he'd sent her a few days earlier telling her how much he loved her and wanted to be with her. I also discovered earlier messages essentially about how miserable he was in his marriage, what a terrible person I was and our supposedly non-existent sex-life. I was totally blindsided and devastated when I found all this. I cannot begin to describe the utter pain and sense of rejection I felt. I had no idea, not a single clue that he'd been betraying me like this for so long.

 

 

He claims that at D-day his "love" for her "evaporated" and that he realised that he truly loved me and wanted me. He dropped her like a hot potato! We went through a period of hysterical bonding which was lasted several years!

 

 

He has never tried to pretend to me that he didn't love her but he has always said it disappeared at d-day and even he doesn't know exactly why. I have always had a suspicion that this wasn't quite the truth, after all he proved he was a skilled liar and deceiver, but I've never seen any evidence that he has lingering feelings for her, and nor do I see any evidence of any continued or resumed contact with her.

 

 

Like you I cannot get my head around the idea that the love he had for her could simply go overnight, seemingly because I found out, but he insists to this day (years later) that it did. My husband has many, many good qualities but he is a supremely selfish person, capable of major deceit, and I think that maybe the self-interest was what prevailed after D-day. I still don't really understand the love just evaporating.

 

 

Frankly you may not believe me, but if your MM is anything like my H (certainly it's clear the selfishness and dishonesty are part of his personality) , you are better off without such a man in your life. It can be exhausting. I am a sadder and wiser woman now. I know longer completely trust and still verify.

[Minnie09]

I feel your pain, Mickey!

That's awful. Are you married/single/divorced/kids?

Where and how did you meet him? Work? I hope you can stay NC.....you have been doing great! I hope that you don't have a shared professional life or live in the same town with the risk of running into him/them. Do you know his wife at all?

 

I think if you go on like this for 3.5 years, you just can't imagine that it will eventually end. You couldn't, and he probably never ever really thought about a D-Day, either. That's why it came like a shock to him. Totally unexpected. How did she find out? Anyhow.........his initial reaction to reconcile with her is probably due to the shock. He was shell-shocked and now feels petrified. He doesn't know what to do and staying put is the easiest for him right now. The emotional trauma hit him hard. No matter how much he professed his love for you, and how much he threw the W under the bus over and over again, while she was clueless, the situation now is different. It's real and he has to deal with it. He was living a secret life on the side, and all he said to you during that time meant nothing, not because he lied (and he did, I am not saying he did not), but because he wanted to be someone he wasn't and couldn't be, due to his prior commitments (kids, wife, family, assets). He created his little fantasy life that he WANTED to live, but he never really thought it through thoroughly. He just went with the flow and let his emotions guide him, when he was with you. I am sure you meant something to him. I don't know if it was love or not, but I am sure you were in his heart.

 

Now he is in a different place. Saving his own skin takes priority over whatever it was that (he thought) he felt for you. He is afraid of losing his entire life. Most men are too weak to leave it all behind or do the shared parenting thing and building a new life with a new partner. If they can avoid it, they won't do it.

 

IF his W cannot forgive him, and he's fed up with talking about it over and over and over again, and answering questions, and going to MC and whatnot, he will eventually throw the towel in and return to you, OR - guess what - she might actually figure out for herself that her H and who she thought he was is not the guy for her, due to the betrayal, and she'll kick him out and file. And then, again, he'll return to you. Both scenarios are very likely to happen.......but what they both are is evidence that he is weak and makes no decisions for himself. She makes them for him. I wouldn't want a guy like that. And I hope you won't take him back, either.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

You are right that he was toxic and the after effects destroyed and continue to destroy me. I am an exercise maniac who USED to run 5-6 days a week. I managed to run about 5 days since this all happened. I've lost 12 pounds and I am thin to begin with. I look sick! Plus, I am popping ambien like candy just to get a few hours of sleep! I've got to get my act together, get him out of my heart and stop letting him ruin me.

 

Believe me when I tell you, you need to focus. You need to divert your attention elsewhere. Take it from someone who took several years to really understand that. And to give your power over to someone who does not choose you is ludicrous. You are worth so much more. Take your power back.

[jwi71]

... I did nothing to make him hate me in the 3 1/2 years I was involved with him and after d-day. I made him my world and did everything in my power to make him happy. Our times together were mainly on his terms and time and I over accomodated myself to his schedule. there is nothing I could say I wish I did differenetly or I wish I told him. Up until d-day, we could not have been happier---or so I thought....

 

Does the above strike you as a healthy R? That one continually gives more an more while receiving less and less. Does the above sound like one partner loves as the other does?

 

To me, it looks more like one is USING the other. Getting the same, perhaps more benefit, of the other's sacrifice whilst giving none of his own. In fact, when it came time for HIM to deliver...he didn't.

 

In your world, is this how one who loves another treats that other?

 

 

I want an explanation for his change of emotions. I want an HONEST answer as to if he really loved me. He told me that he thought about a life with me - a marraige. I want the truth. It is hard for me to get past the thought that he changed his feelings and fell out of love with me overnight and back into love with his wife in a matter of hours. And, that she was so willing to be back in love with him after he just confessed it all to her.

 

How would you RECOGNIZE this honest answer? After all, look at his words and actions for 3.5 years - the lies, deceptions and manipulations woven around this A of his. His W didn't know. You clearly didn't recognize lies as - well, to be frank, where is he now?

 

My point is, no, its not to twist the blade, but to help you understand that THERE IS NO TRUTH TO BE HAD. No matter what he says, there are ACTIONS he has undertaken which undermine those words. And what happens, imo, is this quest for truth becomes the twisting dagger.

 

What answer can he give to make YOU feel better?

Could you believe it? How? What would give you confidence now in light of all he has DONE.

 

How and when would the questions end? There will ALWAYS be another caveat - another angle that only HE can answer. Time for another one last question in secret...all the while, not seeking the truth, but whatever answer makes you feel better.

 

So, foock him. And his lies. Make up your own truth.

Its what you will do anyway.

 

In the end...you mattered.

Just not enough.

And that is NO reflection on you. Rather him.

And its not pretty.

 

You are right that he was toxic and the after effects destroyed and continue to destroy me. I am an exercise maniac who USED to run 5-6 days a week. I managed to run about 5 days since this all happened. I've lost 12 pounds and I am thin to begin with. I look sick! Plus, I am popping ambien like candy just to get a few hours of sleep! I've got to get my act together, get him out of my heart and stop letting him ruin me.

 

You have more in common with his BW than you realize. You are in the, as pointed out before, the initial stages of shock and grief because you were BETRAYED. Believing his words. Believing the fiction. Looking at the shadows on the cave wall - never turning around to see outside the cave.

Time to turn around and see what is REAL.

 

And its EASY to see what is REAL.

Where is he now? That is real.

Where are you? That too is real.

 

The absolute BEST thing you can do - focus on you. Just survive. One day at a time, one step at a time. Left foot, right, left foot....

 

My advice...the answer you seek you already have.

Put no FAITH in his words. Look at what he does. What he did.

 

Was this EVER good for you? Did he EVER treat you as you deserve?

 

How can THAT be love?

 

You are stronger than you know. And its ok to be human. To look back and go "doh!...what an idiot!". Happens to us all. Especially "us" - look where we are posting

 

The good news...you'll get over it. Learn some lessons. Learn something about you. And life will, gradually an almost imperceptibly, return to normal.

[tornado]

Hello Mickey1982,

 

It seems that you are describing my A and feelings...

 

As to the question "does he love me?", I don't think so. It's 2 weeks I'm NC with my MM and my brain is clearer now.

We are more in a romantic side of the A, with the "eternal love" blablabla stuff. Those guys are just thrilled by the secrecy of the relationship, the fact that they are lying to their wives. My MM was obviously miserable in his marriage, just staying for the kids, no sex with his wife since the birth of the children etc, well that's what he told me. He described me how his wife was asexual and so on. And I believed him. Maybe it's true, maybe not. I cannot verify.

If they are unhappy with their wives, having a secret affair means that they feel superior to their wives by lying to them. So, in fact, the mistresses help them with their bad relationship with their wives!

In the end, I felt that he didn't act with me like a human being. I felt like an object. A used object he could throw in the bin.

My mother told me: what did you think? Men are all like that. I have never met a decent, extraordinary man. They are all mediocre. They all lie. Only believe 10 or 20% of what they say.

I must say she is right...

I think I am done with men. I will stay single for the months to come. After that, I don't know, maybe I will become lesbian. Or asexual. At least, when you are single, you don't have the bad surprise to get betrayed or devaluated/treated like an object. Or maybe I will take a revenge on random men. But I am not done yet with him. I want to go to his house, his wife will probably be there, and I will say, here I am, where is the lunch. Who is this woman, your sister? Oh your wife, what a surprise! I want to see his embarrassed face and shaking body. I bet he won't be able to use his big mouth as he did it with me. I want to make him shut his mouth, and I haven't done it yet. His wife will help me when she will know the truth. I am now sure that he used me: for powertrip, for revenge against his wife, and of course romance/sex. He stopped being nice when I criticized him. Those guys are not capable of loving, except themselves. What are you for them? A free whore for ego boost. I also think he had a middle-age crisis.

 

Mickey1982, don't think too much of him in a positive way, or you will never heal. Those guys are vampires. I also learned that I will never ever get caught up by an A with a MM!

Edited March 24, 2014 by tornado

[txgrl]

When I initiated my D , I was sure my m was over and OM seemed perfect!! When D became a reality, breaking up of my M became a reality , breaking so many bonds at so many levels became a reality, not being able to see our only kid at the time every day in the morning became a reality .. I freaked out!!! R with H . To this day, I have great respect for OM . He did nothing wrong than to listen to and believe what a MW about to D told him . I wasn't trying to lie or deceive anyone in my mind , I was convinced I was going to get D and lie happily ever after with OM . Reality and the fantasy of A are two opposite things . Also, just because dozens of people around us are getting D every day doesn't mean it's an easy process . It changes people .

 

I'm pretty sure your MM doesn't hate you . He trying to save his M , he 'a probably going through a lot of heartache too but he has to hurt either you or hi W . There's just no other way for him unfortunately .

 

I'm so sorry for your pain . NC is the only way to go . Any time anyone broke NC, it only broke more hearts . He is married and gone back to his wife, that will have to be your closure eventually . If it helps any , the MAP goes through a lot of guilt and pain too . Don't think he got away Scott free. Best

[Mickey1982]

littlemisscantbewrong---it helps to hear your story and see that I am have experienced the typical "thrown under the bus" experience on d-day. After 3 1/2 years, the thought of a d-day was the farthest thing from my mind. And, the consequences were never something that I ever could have imagined. But, like you and others, the AP in most cases is the one who is kicked to the curb. I still feel like it is adream that he did what he did to me.

 

txgrl---thank you for telling me the MAP suffers too...If nothing else, that is SO VERY hard for me to believe so you telling me that is a bit consoling. I have this idea in my head that he is living life everyday with a smile on his face while I suffer and cry myself to sleep every night. He himself told me over and over again in our few communications after d-day that he is now at peace, very happy and his marriage is better than ever! All in matter of hours/days after pledging his unending love to me.It will forever blow my mind!

 

jwi71--your words have given me faith to believe I will be OK. And, the beginnings of what is REAL.....thank you for making me see yet again that I am not alone and not a loser for believing in what I thought was love.....

 

tornado---plesae keep posting and let em know how you are as we take this journey together......

 

Minnie09--He was a good friend for many years so I have not only lost his love, but his friendship as well. He lives 2 hours away so there is little to no chance of me bumping into him. I married after college and divorced after an abusive marriage of just 2 years. I have no children. I'd like to believe he loved me but after reading all these stories and seeing his ACTIONS, I don't believe I'll ever know the truth. Beacuse we were friends first for so many years, I thought I knew him so well and my trust in him was 100%. He told me all the time, he'd die for me so how could I not believe he did not love me. Yet, the words of so many posters here keep resonating in my head---he chose her. He is with her. No matter what was said to me or what we experienced together, at the end of the day, he chose her.....it stings. it hurts.

[Mickey1982]

Bootsie---I'll never understand how love can just evaporate on d-day as you said unless it never really existed. This is the hardest part for me to get thru. 3 1/2 years wiped out in an instant. I guess you need to go through it to understand it---I hope I never get to this place again. there is NO WAY the pain and constant analyzing of every word and thing we said and did is WORTH even one second of pleasure I experienced with him. This is more painful to me than the loss of my parent and I am ashamed to admit that. This man has destroyed me to the core.

[PurpleCardigan]

littlemisscantbewrong---it helps to hear your story and see that I am have experienced the typical "thrown under the bus" experience on d-day. After 3 1/2 years, the thought of a d-day was the farthest thing from my mind. And, the consequences were never something that I ever could have imagined. But, like you and others, the AP in most cases is the one who is kicked to the curb. I still feel like it is adream that he did what he did to me.

 

txgrl---thank you for telling me the MAP suffers too...If nothing else, that is SO VERY hard for me to believe so you telling me that is a bit consoling. I have this idea in my head that he is living life everyday with a smile on his face while I suffer and cry myself to sleep every night. He himself told me over and over again in our few communications after d-day that he is now at peace, very happy and his marriage is better than ever! All in matter of hours/days after pledging his unending love to me.It will forever blow my mind!

 

jwi71--your words have given me faith to believe I will be OK. And, the beginnings of what is REAL.....thank you for making me see yet again that I am not alone and not a loser for believing in what I thought was love.....

 

tornado---plesae keep posting and let em know how you are as we take this journey together......

 

Minnie09--He was a good friend for many years so I have not only lost his love, but his friendship as well. He lives 2 hours away so there is little to no chance of me bumping into him. I married after college and divorced after an abusive marriage of just 2 years. I have no children. I'd like to believe he loved me but after reading all these stories and seeing his ACTIONS, I don't believe I'll ever know the truth. Beacuse we were friends first for so many years, I thought I knew him so well and my trust in him was 100%. He told me all the time, he'd die for me so how could I not believe he did not love me. Yet, the words of so many posters here keep resonating in my head---he chose her. He is with her. No matter what was said to me or what we experienced together, at the end of the day, he chose her.....it stings. it hurts.

 

Mickey,

 

Please find some way to work out your feelings such with a therapist. These boards are great for feedback but everything is through our own rose colored glasses and experiences. Affair relationships can be very similar but every person is different. In my case, I'm struggling with NC and own that; it colors my responses as does I'm still grieving the end of the relationship. For others like txgrl, she may have gone back to her marriage but has not told her husband about her OM to allow him full knowledge of staying or going or read the posts by others who are posting on both the OM/OW and Infidelity boards. The backstories can give varied perspectives. We can offer you general support but just because one person feels one way, it doesn't mean that your xMM feels that way. I'd hate for you to have hope that keeps you pining for him (been there!) when there should be no hope.

 

Please find a good counselor to speak to...and of course, I say that as someone who is having success with therapy and figuring out why I accepted to be second to a MM, lapped up his breadcrumbs of attention and trusted him when all signs pointed to walking way. YMMV.

[ZMM]

He may have just had a shock, so it's kind of hard to tell his true feelings until the dust settles. Thus far, the way he has handled things certainly isn't very impressive. But, like others have said, he may yet come back to you. Then, you will have to decide what you want to do.

Edited March 26, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mickey1982]

PurpleCardigan, I am searching for a good therapist. I am on my second one. I saw one three times and all we did was discuss how he may be feeling, is he coming back, what d-day would have been like, what is his marriage like, etc etc etc. I felt like I was paying and walking out with no answers. I have only seen this second one once so it is hard to tell if she can help, but I know she is already more focused on me rather than him. I am doing fairly well with NC-8weeks-but, I struggle still with the hurt. And, more importantly I still love him.

[gettingstronger]

You asked for experiences so here is mine- I am a BS and this is what dday and the ensuing 14 months has been like-

 

The minute I found out-my husband turned white- all the color drained from his face-he began to shake and freak out- I told him he needed to decide what he wanted as I did not want to be with anyone that did not want to be with me- he never wavered from wanting to reconcile-he never blamed her-he only blamed him-however, she does represent the worst in him and by extension he has no fond feelings of her or the situation-its not personal against her-she is the situation in his mind-

 

She would meet him on business trips-taking time from her kids to be with him- I never accompanied him on his trips as I was always here to be with our kids- he came to see that as a weakness in her-that she put their situation above spending time with her kids-he also realized how little he valued cheaters-hates it in himself and by extension sees that as a negative in her-

 

She became a reflection of all he did not like about himself- and as bad as this sounds she became a situation, not a person.

 

Hysterical bonding (also know as reclaimation) you asked so I will answer from our POV- the intense 2/3x a day lasted about 6 months-now 14 months later I don't think its reclaimation any longer but more of a re-awakening for us and its 5-6x/week.

 

Mixed in all of this is lots of pain and self reflection for both of us- there is so much going on in our minds and our lives that she as a person never factors in to it-

 

My advice- learn, grow and take care of you because thats what I have learned- I can not control him- I have no guarantees that this will never happen again or that I can fully recover from it-but I can take care of me and focus on my own health-yoga is my savior-find yours- and be gentle and kind to you-

 

As I am learning to forgive all involved in our situation for their roles in it-you must do the same for you-

 

Good luck-

[gettingstronger]

When you learn the biological and chemical why of how affairs feel- it strips part of the magic away. And that begins to place the relationship(s) in a much more even place.

 

 

Totally agree- when dday hits suddenly the brain thinks differently- thats why so many say "I don't know why I did........" when asked- like if you knew it was wrong why didn't you stop- if you felt guilty why didn't you stop-how did you let it go on for so long.... it drove me nuts forever when he would say "I don't know" but through therapy and the understanding of the biology you describe I learned that he indeed can not verbalize what he was thinking because he can not get back to that state-this is not an excuse or freebie-it just helps explain some of the unexplainable-

[Mickey1982]

gettingstronger---if you don't mind me asking, did he go thru any 'withdrawl' over the AP or did all of his feelings for her dissolve on d-day? I guess deep down I hope that he is suffering even 1/1000 of what I am going through now.

[Speakingofwhich]

Mickey, after reading seven pages with your posts on most of them I can assure you no one would forget you and anyone who's known and loved you for 3 1/2 years would still love you unless they have some mental disorder.

 

Something is bizarre about his communications with you. I'll be surprised if you don't one day learn his wife is monitoring them.

 

You are the kind of person who is not easily forgotten!

[gettingstronger]

gettingstronger---if you don't mind me asking, did he go thru any 'withdrawl' over the AP or did all of his feelings for her dissolve on d-day? I guess deep down I hope that he is suffering even 1/1000 of what I am going through now.

 

 

 

I really can not read his mind but I will tell you the overwhelming self loathing over coming face to face with what he did seemed to trump everything-he shook and cried (this from my big tough, executive type husband that always has a poker face)- he said over and over-I hate me, I can not believe I did that-I can not believe I hurt you and my family like this-if it helps at all, I think men and women process differently-I think the protector/provider instinct kicks in and they look at what they did to the family they vowed to protect at all costs and how they failed them-while women are by nature more emotional and look more inward-

I am not trying to hurt you- I think what you feel is normal, to self reflect on feelings and hope that you meant something- I believe you did but I think men have a hard time separating the AP from the act of betrayal so they view you through the lens of how they feel about themselves-