Out of Love so Easily?????

[Daisy2013]

It took me to stop it at 2 1/2 years when I couldn't take the pain anymore, although he still calls and tells me he loves me, and we talk. But, you have to be at that place to be able to handle it.

 

Daisy, how long did it take you to get 'over him?'

 

It has been a developing thing, not an "ah ha" moment. I will always love him. My story is here so know it was very difficult to accept and let go. I "needed" his love. But, I felt if I continued the A or pushed for a future, he might one day resent me or decide I wasn't worth the hassle. I couldn't bear him ever thinking that of me. It was hard to get to that point, but in the end my friendship with him was the most important, as is my sanity!

 

You hang in there! We here understand and KNOW the pain. You will survive, just don't go back if he calls. They usually do.

Edited March 26, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed quote

[rumbleseat]

Something to consider if he does remain m but comes crawling back to you to restart the A.

 

If his W knows, she is more than likely not okay with him restarting the A, and the fact that he has chosen to remain in the m means that it is important to him. To keep what is important, he will lie.

 

Put yourself in her place. You found out your H had an affair and you agreed to reconcile. Would you trust him right off the bat, or would he have to work his tail off to rebuild that trust and convince you that he loved you and would never cheat again?

 

Chances are , that's just what he'll be doing with her, should they reconcile and he comes back to you.

 

Give that some serious thought. What are his actions showing you? What they would be showing is at he is capable of being deceptive enough to fool someone who has her radar up. He would be lying his rear off to protect himself, and it really doesn't matter of he hurts you or her, so long as he gets what he feels entitled to having.

 

Again, this is no reflection on you, but rather on him. He is showing that he can, and he will, lie and be incredibly deceptive.

 

Is that really someone you want in your life?

 

There is one woman I know who was in an A, on,y she didn't know it. He lied and said he wasn't M. When she found out the truth, she ended it, only to have him come back saying the M was over. She was in love, and fell for his lines. Only after speaking with his w did she finally find out what an exquisitely amazing liar he really was, and it took some hard work and a lot of pain on her part, but she got him out of her life. It yet so much, but she came out the other side a better person with a strength she didn't know she had.

 

The same can happen for you.

[Hope Shimmers]

<off-topic content redacted>

 

Mickey, I understand your pain. The ending of my A nearly destroyed me, and I am known to be a strong, independent woman. Giving this man my heart and then seeing him shatter it at my feet destroyed me for a long time.

 

I was married for almost 2 decades (before the A) and I can say that, at least in my case, finding out that my husband had cheated on me would have been a thousand times easier for me to handle emotionally than the A ending was.

Edited March 26, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[LearningToMoveOn]

I highly doubt that he stopped loving you the second D Day happened or that he suddenly rediscovered his love for his wife. The feelings from a 3 and a half year relationship don't go away overnight. He isn't choosing between you and his wife. He is choosing between you and his life. His wife holds the key to whether he will be outed which will impact his children, his reputation, his career, all of his friends and family etc. The list goes on and on. When D Day happens, I think the choice becomes pretty clear, especially for men who tend to be more practical and less emotional. It's possible he suddenly had an "aha moment" and realized how much he loved his wife but I think it's more likely he's just trying to do damage control and that he does not want to get a divorce with the huge emotional and financial mess that would entail.

 

I'm with the other posters who believe his wife is monitoring his emails and that's why he's been saying those harsh things to you. Does he mean them? Probably not. But the fact that he can send them to you, knowing what it must do to you, regardless of the reason, means you need to be done with this person. His actions are showing you what kind of a person he is. He was willing to betray his wife and family for 3 and half years and now he's willing to betray you. Regardless of what you had or what you feel for each other, his actions now are all that matter. Remain NC, accept that it is over, and keep moving forward and away from this man. It will get better with time if you remain NC.

[daretotrustlove]

Mickey,

 

We are in the same boat. I'm so sorry your hurting. I was in it 5 years. Heard the same things and he stayed. Destroyed, yes, to my core. I will never be the same person again. So So sorry...for your pain.

[LearningToMoveOn]

I neglected to mention I'm in the same boat as well. 12 weeks out from his D Day and NC after a 4.5 year relationship (but I am married also) This has nearly destroyed me as well. Hang in there Mickey.

[Mickey1982]

I neglected to mention I'm in the same boat as well. 12 weeks out from his D Day and NC after a 4.5 year relationship (but I am married also) This has nearly destroyed me as well. Hang in there Mickey.

 

The hardest part is trying to understand teh cahnge in feeling of love for me to love for his wife with teh d-day. I'll NEVER understand this. I know others have claimed it to be lust or the 'fog', but I know what we shared and felt together. How that can change overnight is mind blowing!! believe me, I have NEVER experienced anything like this before nor do I want to again. As with you, he has destroyed my very core and has beaten me mentally nd physically. I've lost weight, stopped running (I used to run marathons) and as I said in a previous post, take ambien just to sleep a few hours. My work is suffering and here I am 8 weeks of NC and still he reamins my most every thought. I feel like a loser for being this way. When does it stop??????????

[Hope Shimmers]

Wow... reading these posts, it's just amazing the amount of devastation these A's leave in their wake.

 

I forgot to mention in my last post that ex-MM called today (just to say hi, he hadn't heard from me in a few days, etc, etc) and I let it go to voice mail mainly because of thinking about this thread. I have been doing that a lot lately though. Just... ugh.

[Hope Shimmers]

The hardest part is trying to understand teh cahnge in feeling of love for me to love for his wife with teh d-day. I'll NEVER understand this. I know others have claimed it to be lust or the 'fog', but I know what we shared and felt together. How that can change overnight is mind blowing!! believe me, I have NEVER experienced anything like this before nor do I want to again. As with you, he has destroyed my very core and has beaten me mentally nd physically. I've lost weight, stopped running (I used to run marathons) and as I said in a previous post, take ambien just to sleep a few hours. My work is suffering and here I am 8 weeks of NC and still he reamins my most every thought. I feel like a loser for being this way. When does it stop??????????

 

Mickey, you have to trust your instincts. It isn't likely that he fell out of love for you and back in love with her in less than 24 hours. It's much more likely that he is having to show all of his correspondences to his W and he is doing damage control. Not that it matters in the long run.

[rumbleseat]

The hardest part is trying to understand teh cahnge in feeling of love for me to love for his wife with teh d-day. I'll NEVER understand this. I know others have claimed it to be lust or the 'fog', but I know what we shared and felt together. How that can change overnight is mind blowing!! believe me, I have NEVER experienced anything like this before nor do I want to again. As with you, he has destroyed my very core and has beaten me mentally nd physically. I've lost weight, stopped running (I used to run marathons) and as I said in a previous post, take ambien just to sleep a few hours. My work is suffering and here I am 8 weeks of NC and still he reamins my most every thought. I feel like a loser for being this way. When does it stop??????????

 

You're not a loser. You are someone in pain.

 

Have you had a relationship end badly before? If so, what coping strategies helped you to get through? Do you think those could help you now?

 

I know it may seem incredibly important to know that he still loves you, but in the long run, how will knowing that help you? Will it make it seem less painful? Will it really change anything?

 

As for ambien, if you can stay off of it, it may beat best to. Your mind needs to process and work through all of this. Is there any way at all that you can get away for a little while and get a change to scenery to a place where nothing reminds you of him and you don't see him everywhere you look?

[ZMM]

The hardest part is trying to understand teh cahnge in feeling of love for me to love for his wife with teh d-day. I'll NEVER understand this. I know others have claimed it to be lust or the 'fog', but I know what we shared and felt together. How that can change overnight is mind blowing!! believe me, I have NEVER experienced anything like this before nor do I want to again. As with you, he has destroyed my very core and has beaten me mentally nd physically. I've lost weight, stopped running (I used to run marathons) and as I said in a previous post, take ambien just to sleep a few hours. My work is suffering and here I am 8 weeks of NC and still he reamins my most every thought. I feel like a loser for being this way. When does it stop??????????

 

You definitely are not a loser! You are just someone who fell in love with someone and had their heart crushed. He was not in a fog. It was not just lust to him. More than likely he loved you. More than likely he is under a lot of pressure. More than likely he is being watched 24/7. If so, I think it was weak of him to agree to such a situation. There is a lot of preaching that goes on here about cutting off all contact and not allowing a final goodbye. IMO - that provides an artificial end to a real relationship and does not allow people to move on accordingly. As I said, this is JMO, I know all the BSs will disagree.

 

Just try to cope the best you can. More than likely you will eventually find out what all went down. If it was meant to be, it will be. That's about the only way you can deal with it. Keep reaching out for help in dealing with your very real pain over a very real loss.

 

My heart is with you. Good Luck!

[MuddyRock]

The hardest part is trying to understand teh cahnge in feeling of love for me to love for his wife with teh d-day. I'll NEVER understand this. I know others have claimed it to be lust or the 'fog', but I know what we shared and felt together. How that can change overnight is mind blowing!! believe me, I have NEVER experienced anything like this before nor do I want to again. As with you, he has destroyed my very core and has beaten me mentally nd physically. I've lost weight, stopped running (I used to run marathons) and as I said in a previous post, take ambien just to sleep a few hours. My work is suffering and here I am 8 weeks of NC and still he reamins my most every thought. I feel like a loser for being this way. When does it stop??????????

 

 

You cant understand it because you are not in his shoes. You are single, and are able to truly give your heart and all to a relationship. he was never all in from the get go. He has been lying to you both for 3 1/2 years. He may have loved the fantasy you provided, and loved to say things in the moment but the truth is, he has compartmentalized it ALL.

You and him were in different places all along. He was in fantasy world and you were in reality world.

 

If it makes you feel any better, his wife will be suffering for at least a year non stop with mind movies and flash backs. Then it will take them 2-5 years to truly recover. Her life is screwed.

[whichwayisup]

I'll NEVER understand this. I know others have claimed it to be lust or the 'fog', but I know what we shared and felt together.

 

You know what you felt, but you really don't know how invested he was with you. Knowing it was an affair and that he could leave and end the A with you at any time also comes into play here. It was easy for him to say whatever and know he never had to follow through as he wasn't obligated to you. When he saw how much he hurt and betrayed his wife, like it or not, he realized how much he was going to lose if he chose you over his wife. Your head can't see this, nor your heart but in time you'll understand as you detach and see things more clearly. As I keep saying once you hit that anger stage, more will sink in.

 

Take care of you now and be good to yourself.

[ZMM]

Nobody here knows more about your situation than you do. They have lived their experience and they will transpose that experience on to your situation and they will be convinced that your situation is just like theirs.

 

Is it really helpful to sit there and imagine that he never cared for you and it was all a false reality, a fantasy in his head and once his wife came down on him he shuttered in fear at losing her. If that helps, then by all means think that way. My guess is that is far from the truth.

 

If I was you, I would choose to think positively. Think of it in what ever manner makes you feel the best. Then, be patient, go on with your life and see what happens. You are going to find out what went down. It's just going to take a little time.

[whichwayisup]

Nobody here knows more about your situation than you do. They have lived their experience and they will transpose that experience on to your situation and they will be convinced that your situation is just like theirs.

 

Is it really helpful to sit there and imagine that he never cared for you and it was all a false reality, a fantasy in his head and once his wife came down on him he shuttered in fear at losing her. If that helps, then by all means think that way. My guess is that is far from the truth.

 

If I was you, I would choose to think positively. Think of it in what ever manner makes you feel the best. Then, be patient, go on with your life and see what happens. You are going to find out what went down. It's just going to take a little time.

 

This is why people need to make their own closure and make peace with what they believe the truth is in their hearts. Nothing xMM says or does will give you complete closure or acceptance, that comes as time moves on.

 

Just know that he hasn't forgotten about you. 3 years and you say before the A you two were good friends, so I doubt he's 'forgotten' all about you.

[daretotrustlove]

Nobody here knows more about your situation than you do. They have lived their experience and they will transpose that experience on to your situation and they will be convinced that your situation is just like theirs.

 

Is it really helpful to sit there and imagine that he never cared for you and it was all a false reality, a fantasy in his head and once his wife came down on him he shuttered in fear at losing her. If that helps, then by all means think that way. My guess is that is far from the truth.

 

If I was you, I would choose to think positively. Think of it in what ever manner makes you feel the best. Then, be patient, go on with your life and see what happens. You are going to find out what went down. It's just going to take a little time.

This is true, no one can say he did not love you. Only you know the truth in that. I can understand your thoughts and feelings because I'm going through the same type of pain. One thing that I found that helped me was knowing that the emotions will change. I learned that if I didn't fight them, they would come in waves. They come in, they go out, they change all the time. I know that they just don't change their feelings in a matter of hours or over night. I feel that they are so caught up in what has come crashing down around them they just react. His mean words may not have been directed at you, so to speak, the fear that he was feeling was probably coming in and hitting him square between the eyes. Which it should.

 

Don't get me wrong Mickey, I know the hurt that your feeling. I know the promises of being together, and then all the sudden the love of your life, has dropped you off the face of the earth. Let things be for now, and take care of you. When you calm down alittle things will come to you. You will be ok.

[rumbleseat]

Mickey - I hope you have figured out that you have to be selective on what advice you take to heart. The posts you receive are coming from all different perspectives. Some of those posts are from people who have been hurt by the fallout from an A. Some of those people are bitter and will strike out. So, take everything with a grain of salt. You know what you know. No matter what people tell you. The main thing is to grab your inner strength to make it through this because I can pretty much guarantee you things are not always how they appear. You don't know what is going on behind the scenes. At this time it is critical to have confidence in yourself and be patient. Take this time to figure out what you want and how you want to live going forward. Because i think you are going to have plenty of options.

 

And some feel a need to project their own broken heart and their wish that things could be different on to your situation.

 

The reality is that no one, except for your ex mm knows what he really feels, and he isn't talking. You may never know his true feelings, but what you do know is your own and what's best for you.

 

Is sitting at home, crying and feelingly hopelessly sad, even needing to take a sleeping aid to help you rest what's best? Is grasping at some straw that he might come back helping you?

 

Maybe it is, maybe it isn't, only you can answer that.

 

 

Is it better to pine away, closing yourself off from happiness and the rest of the joy the world can bring really what you want? From what you say, it isn't.

The problem is that the longer you hold on to the hope that he will come back, the longer it will take for you to be able to accept that it's over and begin to take your first steps towards healing.

 

Start living your life for you and not him. Start enjoying your days. Spend time with friends, maybe even reconnect with some old girl friends that you haven't seen in a while. Treat yourself to some time away where you can focus on the next chapter in your life. If there is something you have always wanted to learn or try, how's a great time to do it. Pick yourself up, even if you have to literally force yourself to do it. Some people find that finding a creative outlet can really help them through the grieving process. Maybe giving that a try might help you work through your pain. If you find the struggle overwhelming, seeing a counsellor can be helpful. You can talk it out and begin to feel better.

 

I know that thinking that his w is hurting too may feel good for a minute ( and I assure you she is, and will be for a long time to come) but taking pleasure in another's pain doesn't sound like who you are. In the end, that kind of thinking only leads to further sadness and bitterness that can poison you. Right now, it's not about her, or even him. It's about you getting stronger and feeling that smile on your face and joy in your step again.

 

The real uoside to all of this is that, if he dies come back, you'll be able to make a decision based on strength, not sadness, and if he doesn't come back, so be it. You'll be enjoying your living your life too much to really give it a second thought.

[Devastated1969]

Mickey, I really feel for you. Although my situation is different from yours, the feelings and pain you describe are the same. From an amazing, loving relationship with promises of future marriage, etc to an overnight turnaround to suddenly being in deep love with the wife he told me he hadn't loved for years. I feel the same devastation you describe. I don't have any wise words but have found the members of LS and their perspectives really helpful. Just wanted to offer you a hug from someone who understands the pain. I think you seem a lovely person. Focus on you (((())))

[KaliLove]

I am new to this forum and would like some VERY honest answers to those who have experienced a d-day. I was involved in a 3 ½ year affair that came to a screeching stop when his wife found out about us. On his d-day , he claims that a switch was flipped and he was now back in love with his wife. Yet, only the day before, he was professing his unconditional, forever love to me with thoughts of marriage.

 

Is it possible for that to happen when you are hit with a d-day? Is the force of reality so harsh that you can immediately fall out of love with your ‘soulmate’ and back in love with your wife who you claimed to love like a ‘sister’ for years?

 

Do they ever come back after a d-day or is the experience so horrific that it’s enough to stop them from reconnecting with their AF even when the dust settles?

 

I am devastated beyond belief and search for answers to help ease the pain of this mess I have gotten myself into.

 

He was probably perfectly happy in his marriage the whole time..plenty of love, plenty of sex..etc..he was just greedy..he was so happy that he wanted more. Like a drug addict. Sure he loved you in a way. You were the icing on his cake.

 

Don't settle for being someones OW..it's degrading. You're better than this. Go find a real man. One who will put you at the top of his list.

[Hope Shimmers]

He was probably perfectly happy in his marriage the whole time..plenty of love, plenty of sex..etc..he was just greedy..he was so happy that he wanted more. Like a drug addict. Sure he loved you in a way. You were the icing on his cake.

 

Don't settle for being someones OW..it's degrading. You're better than this. Go find a real man. One who will put you at the top of his list.

 

Greedy for what? Sex? Since she lives an hour away, why would he then not then find someone much closer for casual cake-eating sex and greed, if that was what it was about?

 

And why get emotionally involved with a close friend for three and a half years if it's just greed, casual sex, and lies? In fact, if it's about greed, why get emotionally involved at all?

 

How is it constructive to say these things to a person going through such pain who has said over and over that this wasn't the case? I don't get why anyone would do such to someone clearly in pain. It's an honest question.

[Hope Shimmers]

He was probably perfectly happy in his marriage the whole time..plenty of love, plenty of sex..etc..he was just greedy..he was so happy that he wanted more. Like a drug addict. Sure he loved you in a way. You were the icing on his cake.

 

I have been asking myself how and why BS's take the WS back after d-day shocks them into action. From this response I can understand. If this is what BS's really believe about their WS's A then the WS has done a great job of lying and damage control and making sure the BS believes he didn't care for his AP at all. It's like putting blinders on, but denial works as long as the WS keeps lying about it to keep himself planted at home rather than kicked out, I suppose.

[rumbleseat]

I have been asking myself how and why BS's take the WS back after d-day shocks them into action. From this response I can understand. If this is what BS's really believe about their WS's A then the WS has done a great job of lying and damage control and making sure the BS believes he didn't care for his AP at all. It's like putting blinders on, but denial works as long as the WS keeps lying about it to keep himself planted at home rather than kicked out, I suppose.

 

 

And why would mm work so hard to stay at home? Why is it so important, when he has an ow who loves him enough to have put up with his cr@p for years?

 

It depends on the situation. Some really do love their w, some are cowards, some too self cantered and want their cushy lifestyle plus someone on the side.

 

In the first situation, if he lets the ow know what is going on, and he gives her the truth in a kind way, nit just slinking if without rhyme or reason, then at least he has figured himself out enough to know what he wants. The same would be true if decided it was the ow he wanted and he let his bs know so she could begin to make informed decisions and get her life in order.

 

In the second two ( cowardice, selfishness) the guy is obviously concerned mostly with himself and covering his rear. I don't know why a w or ow would want someone like that.

 

I think there is a fallacy among ow that the bs always begs for the ws to stay once d day hits, and the mm stays out of guilt. While I'm sure that does happen, many time,the bs once the shock wears off, tell him that if the ow is really the one he loves, then he should go and be with her. Funny that he often chooses to stay, and ends up being the one doing the begging.

 

Why that is, who knows? Depends on the person and situation.

 

In the end, what difference does it really make to the ow? Does it really change anything? While it may turn his words of love for her into lies, it won't change that she loved him. Nothing will. It was what it was.

 

As for the present, the mm may very well love his ex ow, but, in this respect, a's are no different than other romances. Love sometimes isn't enough.

[waterwoman]

I am really sorry for you mickey. <off-topic content redacted> I am guessing she is in panic mode just as the mickey's MM is - rushing round like a headless chicken with no idea of what she wants long-term. She may kick him out, he may change his mind and leave, they may mutually decide it isn't working but don't imagine either of them are in a place to make coherent decision right now.

 

Is he back in love with his wife? Could be. Could be he never really fell out of love with her, the feeling just got eclipsed by the newer, fresher feeling he had for mickey. Could be that he was just resentful of her for perceived failings, as she probably was of him. Long relationships can be fertile breeding grounds of resentment. And it kills passion, or at least knocks it unconscious!

 

Now, faced with actually losing each other they have realised why they got together all those years ago. Maybe material comfort played a part too, why now? We acquire 'things' because we want them after all. And children. And 'what people will say' and sheer convenience. All of that plays a part. But none of things mean that they can't also love each other.

 

And why paint her like some hideous spider crouched over him watching his every move. It is just as likely he WANTS to reassure her, he wants to give her comfort and prove he loves her BECAUSE HE DOES and he is sorry for hurting her. Maybe you and his relationship with you is the dragon he feels he has to slay to prove his love. Right now, he's fighting for his marriage. So is she. Will it work? is there anything worth fighting for? Who knows but in the end it's no-one's business but theirs. Sorry x

 

Of course he still loves you mickey, I very much doubts that that was a lie or that it will fade overnight, it's just right now that is not his priority.

Edited March 26, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[rumbleseat]

OP,

When you really think about it, would you really want him to only be with her because he had to be, lying to her?

 

Funny thing is that for many bs, the conundrum is the same. They can either believe that the A meant nothing, or that the ws really did love their om/ow.

 

It's a catch 22. If the bs believes the A meant nothing, then how could they risk the M over what amounted to nothing more than a few rolls in the hay? If they did love the om/ow, then that's very hurtful too.

 

Either way, it's horribly painful. Is this kind of similar to how you feel? If his m didn't mean that much to him, then why was it so important to keep it? How could he hurt you so much to maintain something that doesn't really matter to him? If it was that important, and he did love his w, then what kind of person would hurt someone he loves so deeply?

 

Either way, it's just plain sucky.

[Mickey1982]

Thank YOU again for the advice and support. While all of your comments are appreciated, it is VERY clear to me to see thru many of the opinions and where the words are coming from. As many of you have said, ONLY HE and I know what we felt and what we experienced. Just know that finally having the strength to create an account and share my story on LS has made more of a difference than I ever could have imagined. You have given me HOPE that I can overcome this and move on. Yes, I’ve known heartache before, but the pain of this experience outweighs anything I’ve ever felt before. And, it helps to know I am so not alone. Thanks for reaching out to me and please continue to do so--IT MEANS A TON!!!!----you are the very best….