Out of Love so Easily?????

[EnderA]

It does get better. One day, you'll realize that you "forgot" to be sad. Then it will happen again. The sun will come out again if you trust youself and believe in your strength.

[ZMM]

He was probably perfectly happy in his marriage the whole time..plenty of love, plenty of sex..etc..he was just greedy..he was so happy that he wanted more. Like a drug addict. Sure he loved you in a way. You were the icing on his cake.

 

Don't settle for being someones OW..it's degrading. You're better than this. Go find a real man. One who will put you at the top of his list.

 

 

As others have said this is pretty much nonsensical. If he were looking for that type of situation - you certainly wouldn't have been the one to pick. And since your relationship evolved from a friendship to an A - more than likely there was a pretty strong connection and he was drawn to you, rather than just seeking out someone for casual sex.

[Mickey1982]

Thank YOU again for the advice and support. While all of your comments are appreciated, it is VERY clear to me to see thru many of the opinions and where the words are coming from. As many of you have said, ONLY HE and I know what we felt and what we experienced. Just know that finally having the strength to create an account and share my story on LS has made more of a difference than I ever could have imagined. You have given me HOPE that I can overcome this and move on. Yes, I’ve known heartache before, but the pain of this experience outweighs anything I’ve ever felt before. And, it helps to know I am so not alone. Thanks for reaching out to me and please continue to do so--IT MEANS A TON!!!!----you are the very best….

 

 

Just one more thing.......when she asked, my exMM DID tell his BS that HE LOVED ME and I loved HIM on d-day........

[ZMM]

Mickey - I don't know what your xMM is going through - because I only know about me. But from myself and several other MMs I have come to know on these forums, there is a profound amount of guilt, pity and responsibility that MM feel for their BS. This is why so many find it so difficult to leave. Depending on their particular BS, they may be fearful that something bad will happen to BS and they will be the cause of it.

 

What I had to come to terms with is - I owe it to myself to try to find happiness. I only have one life and I don't owe the rest of my life to BS or anyone else for that matter. I owe that to myself.

 

I didn't come to that realization overnight - I had to work through things to arrive at that point. I already told you about my fake D-Day. And at my fake D-Day, I did not respond by throwing myself at the mercy of my BS. Not because I had already come to the realization I mention above, but because that is just not my nature. However, everyone is different. Everyone reacts to situations differently. My guess is he was caught off guard and went into survival mode. I don't know him, but if he is anything like me, he probably feels worse than you do. Time will tell and you will find out in the end. Be patient and believe in yourself.

[Mickey1982]

Mickey - I don't know what your xMM is going through - because I only know about me. But from myself and several other MMs I have come to know on these forums, there is a profound amount of guilt, pity and responsibility that MM feel for their BS. This is why so many find it so difficult to leave. Depending on their particular BS, they may be fearful that something bad will happen to BS and they will be the cause of it.

 

What I had to come to terms with is - I owe it to myself to try to find happiness. I only have one life and I don't owe the rest of my life to BS or anyone else for that matter. I owe that to myself.

 

I didn't come to that realization overnight - I had to work through things to arrive at that point. I already told you about my fake D-Day. And at my fake D-Day, I did not respond by throwing myself at the mercy of my BS. Not because I had already come to the realization I mention above, but because that is just not my nature. However, everyone is different. Everyone reacts to situations differently. My guess is he was caught off guard and went into survival mode. I don't know him, but if he is anything like me, he probably feels worse than you do. Time will tell and you will find out in the end. Be patient and believe in yourself.

 

Thank you ZMM...your posts mean so very much. I know he was thrown for a loop on d-day as he was always so extra careful. I never would have imagined he would have 'slipped up' and for the first few weeks after, I actually blamed myself for sending him e-mails to his personal account rather than his work account. I know that his children mean the world to him and I will NEVER know if he 'fell' back in love with his BS after d-day as he claims to now be so happy. I only what WE felt together and what he TOLD ME when he was with me. He went thru some difficult times with me which I won't get into here, but beacuse of that, I feel he did love me. He stuck by my side and was my crutch. Whether he has decided to stay for his children, his 'now' love for his BS or whatever it may be, I do know that he is the type of person who would sacrafice his happiness for his family.

[ZMM]

The children obviously complicate the issue greatly - that is something I did not have to deal with.

 

But if you want my opinion, for what it's worth - if he is telling you how happy he is and how much he loves his BS, it is very doubtful those are coming from his heart and his correspondence is not being monitored. If that were true, why would he say that? To rub it in and make you feel bad? I seriously doubt it.

[Mickey1982]

The children obviously complicate the issue greatly - that is something I did not have to deal with.

 

But if you want my opinion, for what it's worth - if he is telling you how happy he is and how much he loves his BS, it is very doubtful those are coming from his heart and his correspondence is not being monitored. If that were true, why would he say that? To rub it in and make you feel bad? I seriously doubt it.

 

I've wondered the same thing...he always was so fearful of hurting me so it went against everything he said he didn't want to do for 3 years! I was not sure if his e-mails were monitored or if he was being mean to push me away. I wish so MUCH for a heart to heart HONEST talk with him someday to put all my questions to rest and to just know how he is....unfortunatley, it's been over two months now and as time goes on I am less and less hopeful of any contact.......

[sweet_pea]

<off-topic content redacted>

 

I think you should focus on how you are being treated right now and how he treated you after D-Day. Find your anger.

Edited March 26, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[rumbleseat]

Just one more thing.......when she asked, my exMM DID tell his BS that HE LOVED ME and I loved HIM on d-day........

 

Something here is confusing. Maybe I have misunderstood or missed something.

 

How did he end things with you? Did he give any explanation, or was it just " I love my w now, goodbye? "

 

 

How long ago was his d day, and has he contacted you on his own since that time, or only in response you?

[ZMM]

I've wondered the same thing...he always was so fearful of hurting me so it went against everything he said he didn't want to do for 3 years! I was not sure if his e-mails were monitored or if he was being mean to push me away. I wish so MUCH for a heart to heart HONEST talk with him someday to put all my questions to rest and to just know how he is....unfortunatley, it's been over two months now and as time goes on I am less and less hopeful of any contact.......

 

I am pretty sure his emails are being monitored and he must be on a very short leash. His life is probably pretty damn miserable and eventually he will probably get fed up. But, you know him better than me. I certainly wouldn't put up with it.

 

If he were trying to push you away, I think he would find a much more delicate honest way to do it. And that is coming from a man's perspective.

 

I could be totally wrong, but I don't think so.

[Mickey1982]

Something here is confusing. Maybe I have misunderstood or missed something.

 

How did he end things with you? Did he give any explanation, or was it just " I love my w now, goodbye? "

 

 

How long ago was his d day, and has he contacted you on his own since that time, or only in response you?

 

D-Day was 9 weeks ago. We have been NC for 8 weeks. He called me on d-day to tell me it HAD to be over, SHE knew and he needed to work on his 26 year marriage and try to restore the love for his wife. We communicated for a few days after that and in those communications via text/e-mail he said that he was "happy, free, his marriage was better than ever, his home life had improved, she forgave him, they had turned things around, etc etc etc"---all of this just DAYS after d-day. In our final communication which was a week after d-day, he said he still loved me but was doing was he needed to do. And, that was it.....NC since then.

[ZMM]

Mickey, I'd Avis's you to take everyone's opinion as just that... An opinion.

 

As far as perspective goes - usually you can tell by how they post, but if you aren't sure you can just pull up their profile and look at the threads they started or review some of their old posts. It is pretty revealing.

[LearningToMoveOn]

Mickey, it sounds like deep down, you already have the answers you are looking for. I think he did love you and probably still does but he has decided that love isn't enough to change his entire life and hurt so many people, including his children. There are a lot of factors at play as many people have mentioned. He might still love his wife and want to work on his M but that doesn't change what he felt for you. He probably feels awful, awful for hurting his W and awful for hurting you. But he has made his choice.

 

If I were you, I'd hold on to the fact that he told you he loved you but that he wanted to work on his marriage, not the communication that came after that. I think that is the truth and anything you've seen since then has been an attempt to appease his W. That has to be your closure. Holding onto hope that he is going to come back or that you are going get the answers you are looking for is only going to keep you from accepting this and moving on. I struggled with those same questions for months but I've finally come to accept that I'll never get the answers I'm looking for and breaking NC would only lead to more hurt. I would be opening myself up to hear things I don't want to hear or to being ignored. So instead, I will take back my power and I will protect myself.

 

If it helps at all, I envy the fact that your AP told you he loved you in the end. I wish I could have had that kind of a goodbye instead of what I got, which was nothing really. He basically told me he was done contacting me and he was sorry if that was harsh but he had already promised her he wouldn't. That was incredibly painful but I have to learn how to live with it.

[ZMM]

Were his emails all from same email address?

 

I know you said he had work & home email.

 

I was curious regarding the ones immediately after D-Day when he proclaimed how happy he was and the final one where he said he still loved you but was doing what he had to do.

[Mickey1982]

Were his emails all from same email address?

 

I know you said he had work & home email.

 

I was curious regarding the ones immediately after D-Day when he proclaimed how happy he way and the final one where he said he still loved you but was doing what he had to do.

 

 

The e-mails were ALL from his work e-mail. The "I love you" was in a phone call which was our last communication.

[sweet_pea]

I also wanted to add (but couldn't):

 

Only your ex-MM knows how he is feeling and what he is doing, just like only you know the same for yourself. No one else. I understand how comforting and tempting it is to want to automatically believe certain posters here based on their position in the affair, but they are guessing just like everyone else. What we're saying is pretty much all conjecture because we don't have your x-MM here.

 

With that said, I think you need to focus on yourself and not on the what-ifs. I feel that focusing on the what-ifs prevent healing. I understand that since it's still pretty early and your wounds are fresh, that it'll be hard, but trust me, the more you focus on the now of the situation, see how he treated you on D-Day and how hurt it makes you, it'll bring anger which is one of the stages towards healing. It will take time to find your anger.

[rumbleseat]

I am pretty sure his emails are being monitored and he must be on a very short leash. His life is probably pretty damn miserable and eventually he will probably get fed up. But, you know him better than me. I certainly wouldn't put up with it.

 

If he were trying to push you away, I think he would find a much more delicate honest way to do it. And that is coming from a man's perspective.

 

I could be totally wrong, but I don't think so.

 

It sounds like you are projecting and giving false hope. I don't know why.

 

OP, you say that part of the reason he got caught is because you sent emails to his home instead of work.

How come he is not contacting you via his work email now? Unless he works from home, or his w is his boss or a computer admin where he works, how can she possibly monitor his work email. If he used it to contact you before, why isn't he doing so now.

Heck, if it comes to that, why doesn't he call you from a pay phone, a friend's phone,send you an email in private browsing from an wi-fi hot spot? Why doesn't he buy one of those " disposable" cell phones for fifty bucks and call you?

 

Stop trying to blame all of this on his W.

 

The fact is, he treated you badly. Really badly. Whether that means he loved you or not is not for anyone to say but him. The truth of the matter is that he may have loved you very much, but it was not enough. That is no reflection on you, but on him.

It's beginning to sound like you are validating your worth through whether or not he loved you, and his actions towards you, don 'to fall into that trap. You have so much value, but it sounds like you lost " you" during the A. You need to find you again.

It may seem daunting now, but once you get into it, it can be one of the most thrilling experience few of your life.

[Mickey1982]

It sounds like you are projecting and giving false hope. I don't know why.

 

OP, you say that part of the reason he got caught is because you sent emails to his home instead of work.

How come he is not contacting you via his work email now? Unless he works from home, or his w is his boss or a computer admin where he works, how can she possibly monitor his work email. If he used it to contact you before, why isn't he doing so now.

Heck, if it comes to that, why doesn't he call you from a pay phone, a friend's phone,send you an email in private browsing from an wi-fi hot spot? Why doesn't he buy one of those " disposable" cell phones for fifty bucks and call you?

 

Stop trying to blame all of this on his W.

 

The fact is, he treated you badly. Really badly. Whether that means he loved you or not is not for anyone to say but him. The truth of the matter is that he may have loved you very much, but it was not enough. That is no reflection on you, but on him.

It's beginning to sound like you are validating your worth through whether or not he loved you, and his actions towards you, don 'to fall into that trap. You have so much value, but it sounds like you lost " you" during the A. You need to find you again.

It may seem daunting now, but once you get into it, it can be one of the most thrilling experience few of your life.

 

You are EXACTLY correct...he could very well contact me via work e-mail without her knowing and he has chosen not too.

 

Yes, I did lose ME during the affair---100%---he beacme my world and my life and unfortuantely my happiness revolved around him---which is why I am so lost and continue to hurt. I am searching for how to find ME again. I just haven't found the route yet.

[rumbleseat]

D-Day was 9 weeks ago. We have been NC for 8 weeks. He called me on d-day to tell me it HAD to be over, SHE knew and he needed to work on his 26 year marriage and try to restore the love for his wife. We communicated for a few days after that and in those communications via text/e-mail he said that he was "happy, free, his marriage was better than ever, his home life had improved, she forgave him, they had turned things around, etc etc etc"---all of this just DAYS after d-day. In our final communication which was a week after d-day, he said he still loved me but was doing was he needed to do. And, that was it.....NC since then.

 

Then take from that final message that he he loved you, and his decision is no reflection on you, or who you are.

 

I know it may sound too early, but, as I have said, you can turn this huge painful negative into a positive. It can be an opportunity for personal growth. You can use it as a starting point for some really great things in your life. Sadly, he won't be a part of it, but eventually you will get to a place where that isn't important anymore.

 

When you think about it, if he did love you, wouldn't that be what he wants, for you to find happiness in your life and not spend it being miserable because of him?

[ZMM]

The e-mails were ALL from his work e-mail. The "I love you" was in a phone call which was our last communication.

 

I would take the phone call as his true feelings.

 

He said he loved you. You know better than us whether to believe him or not. That being said, he may have decided to stick it out with his W and kids. As I said, there is a strong pull there for MM to stay put - be it guilt, pity, a sense of responsibility, a combination or something else.

 

I am not trying to give you false hope. I am just saying, he probably did/does love you. Your feeling and his feelings were real. What happens now, time will tell. If it is meant to be, it will happen.

[Mickey1982]

Then take from that final message that he he loved you, and his decision is no reflection on you, or who you are.

 

I know it may sound too early, but, as I have said, you can turn this huge painful negative into a positive. It can be an opportunity for personal growth. You can use it as a starting point for some really great things in your life. Sadly, he won't be a part of it, but eventually you will get to a place where that isn't important anymore.

 

When you think about it, if he did love you, wouldn't that be what he wants, for you to find happiness in your life and not spend it being miserable because of him?

 

 

You are right, rumbleseat. I'm just not at that acceptance point yet. I live for the day I am there...just not yet.

[rumbleseat]

You are EXACTLY correct...he could very well contact me via work e-mail without her knowing and he has chosen not too.

 

Yes, I did lose ME during the affair---100%---he beacme my world and my life and unfortuantely my happiness revolved around him---which is why I am so lost and continue to hurt. I am searching for how to find ME again. I just haven't found the route yet.

 

Your wheels are spinning, which is totally understandable, but know that you will find your way back. You will feel better and you will be happy again.

 

Just keep sight of that, begin to take even tiny steps towards it and you'll get there.you mentioned you are into running and exercise. That is a great place to start, as it releases natural endorphins that lift your mood.

 

Like I said before, if you feel really overwhelmed and nothing seems to help, seek out a counsellor to talk to.it can be great to let out the hurt feelings And he or she can give you ideas about how to begin to feel positive again.

[William]

Looks like the thread has wandered into forum politics so I'll close it up and review it later. Thread starter, if it isn't back online by this time tomorrow morning and you need more input, alert us. Thanks!

 

Evening update: After removing the thread from view and processing it, the thread is returned to active posting within our guidelines. Thanks!

Edited March 26, 2014 by William
Thread re-opened.

[starchild699]

Mickey, my heart goes out to you. I just wanted to say, as someone in similar shoes once, you've been extremely blessed to receive such a warm outpouring of support and 'spot on' advice early on. IMHO most of it was offered gently without harsh judgement or demonizing, so often not the case. Instead of having to spend hours/days digging through archives for print-n-save worthy nuggets you've been served up a 'best of' LS platter to have right at your finger tips! Already that says a lot about you as a person, that people so quickly identify with your pain and want to rush to offer aid. I was blown away by the wealth of valuable insight from 'all sides' (important) which will be a tremendous source of comfort perspective and rationale to help you sort out the torrent of emotions you'll be navigating in the months ahead. Reread it often. When you're feeling a bit stronger I also recommend reading up on the infidelity side about hysterical bonding and reconciliation. It was excruciating at first but a real eye-opener and helped me stay NC.

 

Not to romanticize it, but (IMHO) this thread should be a must-read for any OW/OM (especially single) going through a dday where they felt abandoned following a long-term affair. I've heard BS compare 'their' pain to PTSD and after reading up on it I can identify in my sitch too (likely all sides of the triangle can). My xMMs dday was 18 months ago (this is my first post) and I wish your thread had been here for me. Even this far out I'm finding it extremely helpful. I have people in my life who are supportive but I mostly carried my early-days pain in silence feeling undeserving and unworthy of much compassion or understanding. A thread like yours might've saved me additional heartache and time wondering '...how so easily?'

 

My A lasted six years (longer if you include the friendship/EA leading up to it), I divorced early into it and while there was no future-faking it was definitely intense and I was devastated when it all came crashing down. It was messy - involved a double-betrayal, families entwined, children hurt, etc. If you're a thinky feely sensitive type and/or have FOO issues which need addressing (in my case dad left mom for OW) be extra gentle on yourself and know the healing process may take much longer.

 

I think rumbleseat and quiet storm offered up fabulous advice. Try to remove the focus from 'him' to YOU. Starting Today. If you start to feel weak and like breaking NC, implement the 24hr rule (sit it out). You'll most likely think differently by morning . Your moods will be all over the map. Ride 'em out. Keep exercising. Breathe. Journal. Own up to your part. Practice Forgiveness (self and others). Let It Be. It WILL get better.

 

Big Hugs,

starchild

Edited March 26, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ZMM]

Mickey, my heart goes out to you. I just wanted to say, as someone in similar shoes once, you've been extremely blessed to receive such a warm outpouring of support and 'spot on' advice early on. IMHO most of it was offered gently without harsh judgement or demonizing, so often not the case. Instead of having to spend hours/days digging through archives for print-n-save worthy nuggets you've been served up a 'best of' LS platter to have right at your finger tips! Already that says a lot about you as a person, that people so quickly identify with your pain and want to rush to offer aid. I was blown away by the wealth of valuable insight from 'all sides' (important) which will be a tremendous source of comfort perspective and rationale to help you sort out the torrent of emotions you'll be navigating in the months ahead. Reread it often. When you're feeling a bit stronger I also recommend reading up on the infidelity side about hysterical bonding and reconciliation. It was excruciating at first but a real eye-opener and helped me stay NC.

 

Not to romanticize it, but (IMHO) this thread should be a must-read for any OW/OM (especially single) going through a dday where they felt abandoned following a long-term affair. I've heard BS compare 'their' pain to PTSD and after reading up on it I can identify in my sitch too (likely all sides of the triangle can). My xMMs dday was 18 months ago (this is my first post) and I wish your thread had been here for me. Even this far out I'm finding it extremely helpful. I have people in my life who are supportive but I mostly carried my early-days pain in silence feeling undeserving and unworthy of much compassion or understanding. A thread like yours might've saved me additional heartache and time wondering '...how so easily?'

 

My A lasted six years (longer if you include the friendship/EA leading up to it), I divorced early into it and while there was no future-faking it was definitely intense and I was devastated when it all came crashing down. It was messy - involved a double-betrayal, families entwined, children hurt, etc. If you're a thinky feely sensitive type and/or have FOO issues which need addressing (in my case dad left mom for OW) be extra gentle on yourself and know the healing process may take much longer.

 

I think rumbleseat and quiet storm offered up fabulous advice. Try to remove the focus from 'him' to YOU. Starting Today. If you start to feel weak and like breaking NC, implement the 24hr rule (sit it out). You'll most likely think differently by morning . Your moods will be all over the map. Ride 'em out. Keep exercising. Breathe. Journal. Own up to your part. Practice Forgiveness (self and others). Let It Be. It WILL get better.

 

Big Hugs,

starchild

 

This sounds like good advice - since she has actually been through it.

 

I'm not sure what is meant exactly by double-betrayal - starchild699 could you give an example of that without giving your specific details or do if it doesn't matter. I'm just curious. Thanks.