Out of Love so Easily?????

[Hope Shimmers]

This is true as often an OW has no one to talk to in real life, hence the purpose of these types of forums.

 

 

Sadly a BW often has only the support of the person who caused all her pain; a bit of an irony really. I can tell you from experience that recovering a marriage that has been all but destroyed by infidelity, is very difficult for both parties.

 

 

Sometimes on this board a recently "thrown under the bus" OW will comment that her MM has sailed off into the sunset with his BW, or they are both burying their heads in the sand and just existing in their miserable marriage (lots of clichés I know). It is so far from the truth.

 

 

I get the impression Mickey that you are too close to D-day, and wrapped up in your own pain, to want to hear the other side of the story, even though you started off asking about how could the love just disappear.

 

Thank you for posting Bootsie and sharing your side of the story. It is helpful to read posts from a BS who is willing to see all sides of the situation and not just post the usual negative things. A's are horrible for everyone. I honestly can't imagine how hard it must have been for you to R after the things you said about the A that your husband had.

 

I am glad that things worked out for you!

[Hope Shimmers]

Most of the time, the OW/OM suffers alone in silence whereas the BS is given support even if only by the WS.

 

Mickey, I know what it is like to suffer alone and in silence. I had moved far away from my family and had not made friends, so I was completely alone. The worst was that, the last time I saw OM I became pregnant and he broke up with me shortly after that... I had my baby daughter at approximately 22 weeks (premature) and she lived 20 minutes. I had NO ONE. I could tell NO ONE. And he was back with his wife and not speaking to me.

 

The pain and devastation was beyond words. So I know how you feel. But eventually you have to work through it and focus on yourself and your life.

[starchild699]

Most of the time, the OW/OM suffers alone in silence whereas the BS is given support even if only by the WS.

 

 

Mickey, this was the case for me and I really struggled with it. On dday she intercepted our emails on his phone. After he struggled to regain possession of his phone she fell to the floor in heap and had her 'meltdown' (his words). A while later she called me, from his phone, and that is how I found out. She tore into me, laid all the blame at my feet, while he sat by. I couldn't say a word because of the rock in my throat, my eyes and face were burning from the tears streaming down my face. I was in complete shock. I hung up and had 'my' meltdown, body shaking unable to breathe, ALONE. My pain was REAL and lasted for a LONG time (months) and he wasn't there to hold me or help me through it.

 

In the months following dday, they both splashed their R (reconcilation) on social media. Although the affair/dday was never publicly acknowledged, I think those close to the inner circle couldn't help know something was up by all the sudden PDA. I honestly wondered if I would survive the first six months. I lost most of my friends because the shared social circle I was no longer a part of. Not claiming her pain was less or more, just saying it was brutal for both of us, the difference she had HIM.

 

This topic is one of the reasons I never posted before now, because I would see OW come on here in so much pain and be beaten down with 'well, you knew what you were getting into...". I was so vulnerable and emotionally raw I knew it would set me back. I definitely feel like I've paid my dues and then some. It's taken me a long time (18 months) to heal. I've come out stronger but I think I would've healed faster if I'd been able to work through a lot of the emotions, with the touch of another human being holding me through the dark moments. Breakups are brutal but affair break-ups are pure hell because of all the added negative associations and labels heaped on us. That's why it's so important to be gentle and loving to yourself. You ARE worthy of love and compassion.

 

Big Hugs,

starchild

[jwi71]

 

1. If love was expressed and was felt, within the affair, then it is most likely love was there.

 

 

I will disagree. Love neither begins nor ends at the door's threshold.

And by this - one does not simply truly love another "in the A" and then, "out of the A", suddenly STOP loving them.

 

It is is limerence. Or infatuation. Or a strong sense of caring. But NOT love. Love does not simply start and stop depending upon which woman happens to share his company at any given time.

 

You have, and still do, wonder if he loved you or her. If it was all a lie. Or truth.

 

And, confusingly, it is both.

 

I have, over my time with this, decided/learned/opined/whatever-the-hell-you want-to-call-it that it is the illusion of love. Truly felt - but illusion nonetheless. An intent to deceive? I don't think so - but it happens from time to time here.

 

Do I think he intentionally deceived you? Well, no. I think he thought it was love. I'm sure it felt like it to him. To you. But an illusion. One you both believed. And I say this based on the longevity of the A.

 

Or he's a real azzhat - who played you for years. Not likely though.

 

I think we have all been there - you think its love, then, over time, realize it is not. He never realized it though. Its hard to do that in an A - the time so fleeting and sporadic, so special and wonderful - how could it be anything other than love? I get it. We all do.

 

Well, dday was a brick upside the head. And the illusion broken. Not to mention clearing one's sinuses.

 

And in that - I think you have your answer Mickey.

 

There is no closure to be had. No magic answer to hear. Only some lessons learned. Some tears to shed.

 

Tomorrow is another day. Lets think about the future and less of the past - pining for yesterday is TRULY a waste of time.

[Bootsie]

Maybe in an ideal world - but I just think the responsibility is totally on MM. After all OW is single, and she is not at all connected to BW and she really is not betraying anyone.

 

That's JMO. Your opinion is equally as valid for you.

 

 

I think we may need to agree to disagree here. To my mind, when an OW has an affair with a MM, they are establishing a connection of sorts with the BW, and the reverse for an OM.

 

 

I agree the OW has not betrayed someone to whom she has made personal promises. Some might think there is a sort of "social contract" not to harm others who have done you no harm, where it is not for the grater good. But even if you don't subscribe to the social contract idea, surely you agree that the OW has provided material assistance to the MM in betraying his wife.

 

 

As a BW on this board I guess I'd like to see more acknowledgement of this, but I do realise that many don't or won't ever agree because it does require a level of self-examination that must be difficult. I assure you all that as a BW recovering a marriage I had to do an awful lot of this myself.

 

 

I think when any relationship, has problems, comes to an end or has been severely compromised it can be useful to look at one's own role in the problems. I believe an affair relationship has its own inherent problems and also the marriage that is being betrayed, so the people in these relationship can benefit from some self- examination.

 

 

Mickey has portrayed her affair as a really good and wonderful thing and has completely glossed over the negative aspects of being in an affair, and the negative characteristics of those in affairs. Surely we don't assume she reacted with glee every time her MM betrayed his wife? Not if she had any degree of normal human compassion.

[ZMM]

I will disagree. Love neither begins nor ends at the door's threshold.

And by this - one does not simply truly love another "in the A" and then, "out of the A", suddenly STOP loving them.

 

It is is limerence. Or infatuation. Or a strong sense of caring. But NOT love. Love does not simply start and stop depending upon which woman happens to share his company at any given time.

 

You have, and still do, wonder if he loved you or her. If it was all a lie. Or truth.

 

And, confusingly, it is both.

 

I have, over my time with this, decided/learned/opined/whatever-the-hell-you want-to-call-it that it is the illusion of love. Truly felt - but illusion nonetheless. An intent to deceive? I don't think so - but it happens from time to time here.

 

Do I think he intentionally deceived you? Well, no. I think he thought it was love. I'm sure it felt like it to him. To you. But an illusion. One you both believed. And I say this based on the longevity of the A.

 

Or he's a real azzhat - who played you for years. Not likely though.

 

I think we have all been there - you think its love, then, over time, realize it is not. He never realized it though. Its hard to do that in an A - the time so fleeting and sporadic, so special and wonderful - how could it be anything other than love? I get it. We all do.

 

Well, dday was a brick upside the head. And the illusion broken. Not to mention clearing one's sinuses.

 

And in that - I think you have your answer Mickey.

 

There is no closure to be had. No magic answer to hear. Only some lessons learned. Some tears to shed.

 

Tomorrow is another day. Lets think about the future and less of the past - pining for yesterday is TRULY a waste of time.

 

Same could be said about any romantic relationship even one that results in marriage. It's merely limerence or infatuation, that either ends for one or the other and the relationship is terminated. Or in some cases goes on to a marriage and at a later point ends for one or the other or both.

[Hope Shimmers]

As a BW on this board I guess I'd like to see more acknowledgement of this,

 

I realize that anyone can post anywhere on this forum, but this is the OW/OM forum, am I correct? So while everyone is allowed to contribute, why should the focus be other than who this particular is supposed to be for? Just honestly asking.

[ZMM]

I think we may need to agree to disagree here. To my mind, when an OW has an affair with a MM, they are establishing a connection of sorts with the BW, and the reverse for an OM.

 

 

I agree the OW has not betrayed someone to whom she has made personal promises. Some might think there is a sort of "social contract" not to harm others who have done you no harm, where it is not for the grater good. But even if you don't subscribe to the social contract idea, surely you agree that the OW has provided material assistance to the MM in betraying his wife.

 

 

As a BW on this board I guess I'd like to see more acknowledgement of this, but I do realise that many don't or won't ever agree because it does require a level of self-examination that must be difficult. I assure you all that as a BW recovering a marriage I had to do an awful lot of this myself.

 

 

I think when any relationship, has problems, comes to an end or has been severely compromised it can be useful to look at one's own role in the problems. I believe an affair relationship has its own inherent problems and also the marriage that is being betrayed, so the people in these relationship can benefit from some self- examination.

 

 

Mickey has portrayed her affair as a really good and wonderful thing and has completely glossed over the negative aspects of being in an affair, and the negative characteristics of those in affairs. Surely we don't assume she reacted with glee every time her MM betrayed his wife? Not if she had any degree of normal human compassion.

 

I understand your point of view. But, there are some out there who actually don't believe in the institution of marriage. So, they may have a hard time accepting your notion that it is for the greater good. However, the majority, at least at present time, probably agree with you.

[Furious]

When I first came here to LS I could barely glance in this forum. I was so hurt and raw.

 

Slowly I read here and I found that I could empathize and feel a sense of understanding.

 

There are some OW and former OW that touched me. I learned that in some ways we are all looking for the same thing but took a different road toward love.

 

In one way or another those that risk to love are more alike than we care to believe.

 

At the end of the day, we are all human, and we can all change, hopefully for the better.

 

Too often we look for love outside of ourselves and forget that love begins with ourselves.

 

Peace

[Bootsie]

I understand your point of view. But, there are some out there who actually don't believe in the institution of marriage. So, they may have a hard time accepting your notion that it is for the greater good. However, the majority, at least at present time, probably agree with you.

 

 

I should have used the words "greater good" (not grater), but what I said was that you don't harm others who have done you no harm unless it is for the greater good. I did not say that avoiding affairs is for the greater good. There's a difference, and it still applies even if one doesn't believe in the institution of marriage, because one can still acknowledge the harm done to the BS by an affair.

[ZMM]

I should have used the words "greater good" (not grater), but what I said was that you don't harm others who have done you no harm unless it is for the greater good. I did not say that avoiding affairs is for the greater good. There's a difference, and it still applies even if one doesn't believe in the institution of marriage, because one can still acknowledge the harm done to the BS by an affair.

 

As I said, I understand your point. And I think most would probably agree. I just don't think it's unanimous. I could go on as to why, but it might turn into a thread jack - so, I won't. No offense intended.

[ZMM]

I don't think Mickey or most OW are out there looking for a MM.

[William]

"How did the married man fall out of love with me so easily?"

 

Valid topic of discussion

 

 

"Who hurts more in an affair?" "Who should be the focus of this discussion?"

 

Not valid topics of discussion.

 

If I have to review this thread again, I'm afraid the number of members already suspended will rise again, and again, and again, until I'm here posting to myself. Not a problem!

[Bootsie]

I realize that anyone can post anywhere on this forum, but this is the OW/OM forum, am I correct? So while everyone is allowed to contribute, why should the focus be other than who this particular is supposed to be for? Just honestly asking.

 

 

Sorry I didn't mean to transfer the focus of this forum or this thread, to me or BWs generally, and to be honest I don't think that has happened.

 

 

Mickey's question originally was about how and why love could die so easily after a D-day, which of course means the BW has found out. It's a little difficult to discuss this without involving a consideration of the impact on the BW, as this is almost certainly what has triggered the reaction in the MM whose own reaction is the one we are discussing in this thread.

[William]

And, if you're that betrayed spouse, you're welcomed to offer your opinion and perspective. Otherwise, shut your pie hole!

[krazikat]

Most of the time, the OW/OM suffers alone in silence whereas the BS is given support even if only by the WS.

 

That is one of the side effects of becoming involved with a cheater. Yep, it sux. Hopefully self-preservation will prevent you from involving yourself with an MP...because this is common. My h had an affair that lasted over 4 years...and on dday *poof* he was done with ow. Changed all his contact info. HE changed it without me saying anything about it...heck at that point I was set on divorce.

 

He went NC.

 

So how could the "love" end so so quickly?

 

Well, simply put, you will likely never know. So stop beating yourself up thinking about it. Don't shift blame to his wife....she is a victim in this. Some of th Others like to blame the BS for almost everything. How does that make it better? Reality is he is doing what he wants to do and chose who he chose and is where he wants to be. At least you know now instead of another year or two or there. It's not about who is hurt worse or has the most support. Hurt is hurt and we only know our own. So focus on healing

[starchild699]

<It's not about who is hurt worse or has the most support. Hurt is hurt and we only know our own. So focus on healing>

 

I agree. The point I was trying to make in sharing my story and the pain I felt at dday (beside offering a soft shoulder to OP) was to also put a human face on the "other".

 

And how does that relate to the title of the thread? if xMM had actually witnessed in person the impact dday had on me, like he witnessed BS pain, it might've NOT been so "Out of Love so Easily???" A valid consideration in the context of long-term affairs where both parties were emotionally invested.

 

Now that I'm far enough out, I've accepted and made peace with it, but that is a question I often pondered in the early days.

 

Hang in there, Mickey.

 

starchild

Edited March 27, 2014 by starchild699

[rumbleseat]

op,

i know it may be hard to let go of the desire to find out why he did what he did and how he feels now. maybe a question to ask yourself is what's it worth it to you to know?

 

 

Right now, you are hurting so much, and it really sounds as if this desire to know his mind and thoughts is keeping you mired in a really painful place. You're almost torturing yourself, going over and over it in your mind, waiting for closure that you might never get.

 

I know it may sound weird, but this closure is something that you can only give yourself.

 

Pretend that you got an email from him today that told you " I love you, but I love my w and my life with her, our kids, etc. too. i need to stay and try and work things out". What would that really change for you? Would it suddenly make it easier to accept that things are over? Only you know the answer.

 

As it stands right now, you do know a few things. You know he probably did love you, you know that he felt he needed to stay and work on his m, you know the A is over. You may have to accept that this is the only closure he will ever give you, and the rest will have to come from you. You will also, heart wrenching as it may be, have to accept that this is a choice he made. He is a big boy, and adult, and for whatever reason, he made the choice on his own. While that certainly doesn't mean that he didn't love you, what it does mean is that he sure treated you in a really p@ss poor way. That is on him, not his w or anyone else.

 

You have already shown that you are a strong person, but it's also okay to have to ask for help. Is there no friend at all that you can confide in "in real life"? An internet forum is great, but it's not the same as actually talking to someone and being able to lean on them for support.

 

I have heard that some ow or om find it really helpful to wrote out a final " goodbye " letter, not only to their mm/mw, but also to the A its self. The letter isn't meant to be sent to the person, it's more a catharsis. Could you try that? Let out all your hurt, all your anger, even all your love. When you feel it's finished, put it away, and read it in a few days. Add to it. Time can give you some perspective, and sometimes seeing that you've progressed, even a little bit can be helpful. At some point, when you feel like you have nothing left to say, and you are ready to remove the negative thoughts from your life once and for all, destroy the letter in whatever way you think appropriate.

 

You will get through this, and a big part of that will be deciding for yourself when you are ready to stop wasting all your mental energy on him. I would suggest that right now, you need it all for yourself and your healing.

[Mickey1982]

Thank you again to everyone for the advice, support and love. It may be in my best interest to lay low for a while and not continue this thread for guidance. Although so much of what you have said has helped me MORE than you will ever know, there were some comments made yesterday that hurt like heck and truly have set me back on my road to recovery from this nightmare. I can’t and won't let that happen again.

 

To everyone who was kind enough to take the time to help---much hugs and thanks from my heart….Mickey

[thinkingofhim]

Mickey, I think you should return and re-read those comments when you're a little further along and your pain is not so raw. I think it may be helpful to you in your recovery to take those suggestions to examine your role in the affair once you can do so with clear eyes and a clear heart.

 

Best wishes xx

[BrokenPrincess]

Hey Mickey, you can't PM yet but I felt similarly when I first came here a few days after my xMMs DDay. Some of the comments from now-banned users just killed me and I was in way too much pain to really think clearly, much less process any advice. Down the road though, it was helpful to re-read (especially after the hateful stuff had been deleted). Just lurk for a while if you want and don't be scared to post again if you need an outlet. It's better to let it out here than to break NC or to get sucked back in if he comes back when the dust settles at home (trust me). Best wishes, many of us know so well the pain you're feeling. Xxx

[Cocochai]

Every situation, and person is different...

 

If your XMM was good at compartmentalizing his feelings from his family and wife.. Chances are he may be able to easily fall out of love but... He won't forget. Even years down the road if you decided to never contact him again.

 

Also whatever problems that are in his marriage won't go away over night and it takes two. People who step out of their M to me don't know how to communicate or perhaps love the excitement of being w/ that person until they get caught up and forced to end or else...

 

This question will always bother you and you may never know the truth unless he confesses it and actually Divorces.

 

Just be glad your not the BS because now that trust is gone and it may either break or make there M. A spot I wouldn't want to be in either.

 

You are FREE to find a love who won't treat you like this. We all know we deserve better.

 

The Dance you was apart of is now over and your XMM is now forced to deal w/ their issues face on.

 

I won't tell you want to do, but I hope whatever you decide to do will help you get tru this. Whether it's NC and you moving on or anything happening months down the line.

[gettingstronger]

I can’t and won't let that happen again.

 

 

This is the victory- You will probably never know whats going on in his head-he probably does not either because when the fog lifts I think the brain also goes in to protection mode-this may be OT but its relevant- when I talk to my husband about somethings that happened in our lives during his A but before I find out he gets kind of blank-he either does not remember them like I do, or he does not remember them at all-the double life thing plays with your mind more than you think I guess-

 

I still think that whatever he is thinking or feeling is a reflection more on him and how he feels about himself than how he feels about you-

 

Hang tough-

[krazikat]

My MMs BS thinks we are over. But truth is we love each other and that isn't going anywhere - one way or the other.

 

Forgive me if I am wrong KK but think your situation does not compare as your H was drugged up and so was his OW???? Reality is not taking drugs.

 

Lol why do you always bring that up? He was an alcoholic and was doing drugs. His ow was also a stripper so if you want to bring up the dirt, don't forget it all, Just ADORE ;-) the stripper part myself.

 

However, I do think it related because his ow was devastated when it ended. She did not accept it. When he changed all of his info she started calling me. Are you saying that because alcohol and drugs were involved that her pain is worth less than another ow pain?

 

I have seen many many threads on here where drinking and drugs existed during the affair or in the aftermath. Whether popping ambien, drinking to oblivion, etc. THERE IS STILL PAIN.

 

By the way, as an update my husband has not touched drugs, alcohol, or any ow since dday. So yes, dday can be a painful wakeup call and though it takes re, healing is possible.

[Bootsie]

Some men (and women) do fall in and out of love easily. It doesn't mean they didn't love in the first place. It also means they can fall back in love with someone they loved before. It can be very confusing for those whose feelings last longer.