worried my boyfriend wants to cheat on me

[RosieDunne]

Hi, I wrote on this forum several months ago about difficulties we were having (backstory: I'm 19, he's 23, we've been together 2 years and I'm currently at university so seeing him only at weekends) but we resolved all our issues and lately things have been really, really good. Better than ever in fact, I couldn't really fault anything. A couple of weeks ago he just started his new job which he's really happy about because he hasn't had money for ages. Because of that he keeps talking about going on holidays and we had a lovely meal in our favourite restaurant and he's saying all these lovely things he wants to do with me when he gets paid because we haven't been able to do them for so long! We planned a holiday to center parcs in May and he even said he wants to take me to Paris! He's working all week and then I see him at weekends and he's as lovely as ever and everything's just perfect really. But I got scared because I'm so happy, I'm worried it can't last. So I had to double check that he felt the same. I know this is really terrible but he's read my messages in the past and I kind of owed in to myself for some of the things he put me through emotionally in the past. But basically, I read his Facebook messages on his phone. And I saw a message to his best friend about his new job and he wrote "there's loads of attractive girls at work, there's one I definitely like and she always smiles so who knowss" I got so upset when I read this. I just cried for ages while he was in the shower. Do you think he really likes her? Or was he just trying to sound cool to his friend? He could tell that I was upset when he came back and he asked me what was wrong. I didn't tell him anything for a while, I couldn't tell him I read his messages so I didn't know what to say. I decided to just hint around it and I said I was scared he's going to find someone better at work and replace me and I don't want him to leave me. He cuddled me and told me not to be silly and that he'd never leave me and of course he's happy and why on earth would he plan holidays with me if he didn't want to be with me? He told me not to be so insecure, but I couldn't tell him it was because of this message. What do I do? Is it a big deal like I think it is? It sounds like he wants to cheat on me. I'm really scared he's going to replace me and I don't want to break up. We're having such lovely days all the time, I don't understand why hed write that, I know he's happy too, he tells me all the time and how much he loves me. What should I do? Should I confront him or let It go? What would you think/do if it was you? I'm just heartbroken that he wrote that.

[justwhoiam]

Please reread your thread: Having doubts, still love him but saw him doing something I didn't like at all.

 

My post from Jan 3rd is still valid. Too bad you disregarded any advice.

[Arieswoman]

I'm sorry Rosie, but this doesn't look good.

 

This red flag is so big it could stop an express train dead in it's tracks.

 

I know it's hard but this guy has got to go. You are only setting yourself up for more heartache if you stay with him.

 

I really feel for you - Good Luck

[almond]

I'm sorry, but I'd bet that he is definitely willing to cheat on you, and likely already has.

 

Do you think he really likes her? Or was he just trying to sound cool to his friend?

 

If this is his idea of "sounding cool," then it is just as bad. You do not want to be with someone who thinks that betraying you and hurting you like this is something to be proud of. In fact, I'd wager that his friends know that he is a cheater...otherwise, their response would show that they were quite surprised...I'm guessing they weren't though. You don't mention cheating to your friends so casually if you've never done it before - it would shock them. This isn't his first time, and it looks like his friends know it.

 

Major red flags here. You really need to walk away. This sort of thing eats away at you, and you'll end up an insecure, blubbering mess if you let it go on for too long.

[RosieDunne]

But everything, literally everything is so so perfect now. We don't have any problems and he always sees me in all the free time he has even though it means he never gets any to himself. I know he hasn't cheated yet, he's made comments a bit like this before and they were just messing around, not serious. As horrible as that is, at least he's never actually done anything. I know we'll end eventually, but not now. Not when everything's so perfect, there's no reason I'd want to go other than this message. I wish I'd never read it. If you really think I should leave (which I can't) please could you recommend whether I should confront him or not? Should I just say look, I'm sorry but I read this message and I need to know if you plan on anything going on here, because if you do, I can't be with you anymore? But there's so many good things we have coming up, we finally got everything we wanted and I couldn't be more happy with him, I'm really scared.

[TMichaels]

Guys often say a lot of things to their mates which is nothing more than "locker room swagger" or just talk.

 

If things are going well with your b/f, the surest way to mess it up is to start accusing him of things he probably isn't guilty of and/or making him feel like you don't trust or appreciate him.

 

If he finds out you're so needy and insecure you've been reading his personal messages when things have been going well, no doubt he'll start wondering what in heck will you resort to if things *aren't* going great?

 

Not.attractive.at.all.

 

If I were him and found that out, I'd be running straight for the hills.

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

 

P.S. What's this "I know we'll end eventually" business? Why are you so down on yourself? Sounds like the guy is treating you like a princess. Maybe that's the problem -- as in you don't think you're worth it. If so, better get working on that - PRONTO -- or else yes, you're right, your relationship with him or anyone for that matter, is doomed.

Edited March 24, 2014 by TMichaels

[almond]

How is everything "so so perfect" if he's sending his friends messages about other girls, saying how attractive they are and outlining that he is receiving attention from one in particular, and hoping for more to come of it!?

 

You have serious trust issues in your relationship, and are expecting it to end at some point, you just don't want it to happen while he's being nice to you.

 

I think your idea of "perfect" needs some serious adjustment..

[RosieDunne]

The reason I say that I know things have to end eventually is not because I'm unsure of myself, it's because he's drilled it into my head so many times. He once said to me that he could never be with a girl more than 3 years because he thinks it's too long and often when we say we love each other, he'll add 'but nothing lasts forever' he has this weird thing about 'forever.' As long as I acknowledge we aren't going to be together 'forever' he's fine with it. He's told me so many times how marriage is a load of rubbish and he'd never want to do it and he also never ever wants children, where as I'm totally the opposite (not wanting them now, but it's something to consider WAY in the future) I'm just saying, because of these things I know we won't end up staying together for many more years or anything because I know we want totally different things. We both believe in just living as it comes and not hoping anything will last, that way you don't get hurt so badly when it does. Except, I am hurt. But what I'm saying is, I'm not being negative, I'm just being (as he is) realistic.

 

Also, TMichaels, I'm incredibly offended by your reply. Perhaps I do have some self confidence issues, but I am certainly not the problem like you make out I am. Although I appreciate your response, it's nice to have someone who tells me I shouldn't leave him! I think you're mistaken in many aspects. I have reason to be like this because no, he does not 'treat me like a princess' all the time. I have caught him kissing another girl when he was drunk, he once messaged this girl online and when I confronted him he did break down and say he was so sorry and begged me not to leave him and he'd never met the girl in his life and she lived half way across the world so he was never going to. It was just a silly thing, a way of perfecting his romantic talk perhaps.. I don't know. But I forgave him for those things and wouldn't you have a few trust issues if you were carrying that knowledge with you? Also he made a dating profile while we were together (this was a long time ago) when things were really bad between us and he spoke to his friend a lot (also my friend which is why I know) about girls he fancied. He often makes me think I'm not good enough, none of this is stemming from my own imagination. So I do rather you resent making out that it is. So I read his messages once, I know and he admitted that he's read mine before and totally invaded my privacy. Also while I've been out of the house before and he's been on my laptop, he's trawled through ALL my private things - often confronting me about photos I have or bits of writing I've written etc. He also had a massive problem with me talking to this friend (male) on facebook a lot but I've known him for years so it's nothing. This was actually the reason he started to talking to that girl himself, he actually told me he wanted to get back at me because he thought I was doing the same. He totally invades my privacy so I felt I had the right to do it to him once.

 

I know all this makes us sound really bad, but you have to know that this was all LONG in the past and although I still carry some of that baggage around, we're so long past it all and over everything. I'm not being a pushover, but these things aren't all as bad as they seem. A lot of the time, he had the intention of hurting me because he thought he was getting revenge for something I'd supposedly done (I hadn't) but he never actually meant any of it. The girl he was talking to wasn't his type at all and he said that he thought she was really unattractive and never meant any of it. The only thing he has actually done was kissing that girl in the pub. BUT I never actually saw it, I only saw him with his hand on her waist, I was only told about the kiss and apparently everyone had just been pecking each other on the lips so he did it to her and to jordan (whos a boy) just because he felt obliged to. I don't think it was actually a real kiss. The thing that hurt me the most was walking in and seeing him with his hand on her waist and talking in her ear. He saw me an immediately froze and I just stormed away really upset and he immediately came running after me and apologised and he was so SOOOOOOOOO beyond drunk I honestly don't think he had any idea what he was doing. It's possible it looked worse than it was, but I don't know. All I know is that he told me over and over that he loved me and he was too drunk to know what he was doing and it didn't mean anything and was a mistake. Again, this was a long time ago. He's never done anything like this since.

 

I say that everything is 'perfect' because at the moment it is - I don't mean about the message, I just mean between the two of us. We'll cuddle for hours and do all our favourite things and he'll say wonderful things and this weekend he just stopped me in the supermarket and told me how beautiful I was and he started kissing me all over and I got embarrassed and laughed at it and said stop because people were watching but he just grinned and kept going and it was just really nice. Things like that. He smells my hair a lot and says it smells like love and he's addicted to me. He always looks out for me, if I cry he comes and cuddles me and makes it all better. We like all the same things so we never get bored. He talks to me for hours and he listens to me tell him all about my week. He always hugs me to sleep at night and usually wakes me up with a kiss and tells me he loves me. He even woke up in his sleep a few weeks ago and I quote, said to me "I love you so so much, please don't ever leave me, I couldn't bear to replace you." When I asked him what brought it on, he said he had a nightmare and he didn't know where I'd gone and it made him really sad. It was such a lovely thing to say. He gives me back massages sometimes which are beyond amazing and I give him loads too. Like I said, he's planning all these holidays with me and saying how much he wants to treat me when he gets his first payslip. He said to me we could do whatever I wanted. He wants to take me bowling next week as we've never done that together before and I said I missed roller-coasters so he said he wanted to take me to the theme park. He constantly tells me how beautiful I am and although he says I look like a cartoon character because I'm too cute, I really like it. He buys me wonderful presents for my birthday and christmas and he knows me inside and out. He can always read what I'm feeling like a book and if ever I'm upset he knows instantly and does everything to cheer me up again. All these things and so many more, is why I say everything is perfect. Would you throw this away over one thing? So it's a big thing, but I'm so conflicted because it hasn't actually affected us YET, and if I bring it up when everything's so perfect, what if I just ruin everything? Like TMichaels said, if I tell him I've been through his messages, he has more than enough right to get angry about that. So I don't know what to do. Also, his friends are big cheaters so it could just be as you say "locker room" talk, which is what I keep hoping.

[acrosstheuniverse]

None of all of that cute stuff actually means anything, as much as you want it to. You're with a guy who a) has told you straight that your relationship has an expiration date (by the sounds of it, a fairly imminent one) and b) has told his best friend that he likes a girl at work and 'who knows' what will happen. They would be enough alone for me to not waste any of my time with him when I could be out repairing my broken heart or meeting somebody who actually thinks I'm a catch and wants to keep me for an indefinite period of time!

 

If I were to tell my best friend about a guy I liked at work it would be more like 'yeah the job's going great, it's kinda awkward cos there's this one guy who seems to like me and he's cute and everything but obviously I'm not single so I'll need to keep an eye on that, blah blah about how things are going with boyfriend' or something similar. Not what your guy said, which totally disregarded your existence and implied that something could happen with her.

 

Why are you even wasting your time with somebody who isn't going to stay in a long relationship anyway? He gets all of the power this way. He knows that you want to be with him, and that he is the one that gets to decide at any moment 'it's been too long, see ya!'. Or is it that you hope and think he'll change his mind?

 

Also, with my best friends I'm brutally honest. They know ALL of the best and worst of me. I wouldn't be trying to act cool and tough to a best friend, they know me too well and I'd never even attempt to deceive them because of that best friend bond. I'd be surprised if he was trying to act cool to a best friend.

[TAV]

I'm confused. In this entire thread TMichaels has been the only one really telling you what you want to hear: that your bf is a dream, that he is mad about you and you should hold on to him. His pitching for other chickies is just swagger and don't you dare confront him about it. And you tell him he offended you? Seems pretty unfair. All the poster that told you to lose the two-timing bf do not offend you? What do you want to hear actually?

I read all the charming things your bf does and I wonder why you feel the need to come here several times and cry for help. Tell us about all his sins. My answer is that deep down you know the guy is wrong for you, he has charming ways but does not truly love you and it is eating away at you.

You are young, you will learn to trust your instincts more.

[ExpatInItaly]

But everything, literally everything is so so perfect now. We don't have any problems and he always sees me in all the free time he has even though it means he never gets any to himself. I know he hasn't cheated yet, he's made comments a bit like this before and they were just messing around, not serious. As horrible as that is, at least he's never actually done anything. I know we'll end eventually, but not now. Not when everything's so perfect, there's no reason I'd want to go other than this message. I wish I'd never read it. If you really think I should leave (which I can't) please could you recommend whether I should confront him or not? Should I just say look, I'm sorry but I read this message and I need to know if you plan on anything going on here, because if you do, I can't be with you anymore? But there's so many good things we have coming up, we finally got everything we wanted and I couldn't be more happy with him, I'm really scared.

 

Well, no, it isn't perfect. Far from it! And you have a very big problem. I'm sorry, OP, but I read this as you desperately want things to be perfect and are in deep denial about what's staring you right in the face. He may not have cheated, but you do not know that for a fact. Nobody ever knows that; we can only trust our partners not to do it, but you know darn well you can't monitor him all the time. He's not being entirely trustworthy. Time to take your head out of the sand, girl.

 

A good boyfriend doesn't make comments like that too his friends to "sound cool." Come on, now. And why can't you leave? Of course you can. You're just afraid, which is normal. But don't tell yourself you can't leave. You always have a choice. You have to decide now whether you're willing to tolerate a boyfriend who's checking out other girls and being so ballsy as to text his friends about it. This guy is not worth it, I promise you.

[ExpatInItaly]

The reason I say that I know things have to end eventually is not because I'm unsure of myself, it's because he's drilled it into my head so many times. He once said to me that he could never be with a girl more than 3 years because he thinks it's too long and often when we say we love each other, he'll add 'but nothing lasts forever' he has this weird thing about 'forever.' As long as I acknowledge we aren't going to be together 'forever' he's fine with it. He's told me so many times how marriage is a load of rubbish and he'd never want to do it and he also never ever wants children, where as I'm totally the opposite (not wanting them now, but it's something to consider WAY in the future) I'm just saying, because of these things I know we won't end up staying together for many more years or anything because I know we want totally different things. We both believe in just living as it comes and not hoping anything will last, that way you don't get hurt so badly when it does. Except, I am hurt. But what I'm saying is, I'm not being negative, I'm just being (as he is) realistic.

 

Also, TMichaels, I'm incredibly offended by your reply. Perhaps I do have some self confidence issues, but I am certainly not the problem like you make out I am. Although I appreciate your response, it's nice to have someone who tells me I shouldn't leave him! I think you're mistaken in many aspects. I have reason to be like this because no, he does not 'treat me like a princess' all the time. I have caught him kissing another girl when he was drunk, he once messaged this girl online and when I confronted him he did break down and say he was so sorry and begged me not to leave him and he'd never met the girl in his life and she lived half way across the world so he was never going to. It was just a silly thing, a way of perfecting his romantic talk perhaps.. I don't know. But I forgave him for those things and wouldn't you have a few trust issues if you were carrying that knowledge with you? Also he made a dating profile while we were together (this was a long time ago) when things were really bad between us and he spoke to his friend a lot (also my friend which is why I know) about girls he fancied. He often makes me think I'm not good enough, none of this is stemming from my own imagination. So I do rather you resent making out that it is. So I read his messages once, I know and he admitted that he's read mine before and totally invaded my privacy. Also while I've been out of the house before and he's been on my laptop, he's trawled through ALL my private things - often confronting me about photos I have or bits of writing I've written etc. He also had a massive problem with me talking to this friend (male) on facebook a lot but I've known him for years so it's nothing. This was actually the reason he started to talking to that girl himself, he actually told me he wanted to get back at me because he thought I was doing the same. He totally invades my privacy so I felt I had the right to do it to him once.

 

I know all this makes us sound really bad, but you have to know that this was all LONG in the past and although I still carry some of that baggage around, we're so long past it all and over everything. I'm not being a pushover, but these things aren't all as bad as they seem. A lot of the time, he had the intention of hurting me because he thought he was getting revenge for something I'd supposedly done (I hadn't) but he never actually meant any of it. The girl he was talking to wasn't his type at all and he said that he thought she was really unattractive and never meant any of it. The only thing he has actually done was kissing that girl in the pub. BUT I never actually saw it, I only saw him with his hand on her waist, I was only told about the kiss and apparently everyone had just been pecking each other on the lips so he did it to her and to jordan (whos a boy) just because he felt obliged to. I don't think it was actually a real kiss. The thing that hurt me the most was walking in and seeing him with his hand on her waist and talking in her ear. He saw me an immediately froze and I just stormed away really upset and he immediately came running after me and apologised and he was so SOOOOOOOOO beyond drunk I honestly don't think he had any idea what he was doing. It's possible it looked worse than it was, but I don't know. All I know is that he told me over and over that he loved me and he was too drunk to know what he was doing and it didn't mean anything and was a mistake. Again, this was a long time ago. He's never done anything like this since.

 

I say that everything is 'perfect' because at the moment it is - I don't mean about the message, I just mean between the two of us. We'll cuddle for hours and do all our favourite things and he'll say wonderful things and this weekend he just stopped me in the supermarket and told me how beautiful I was and he started kissing me all over and I got embarrassed and laughed at it and said stop because people were watching but he just grinned and kept going and it was just really nice. Things like that. He smells my hair a lot and says it smells like love and he's addicted to me. He always looks out for me, if I cry he comes and cuddles me and makes it all better. We like all the same things so we never get bored. He talks to me for hours and he listens to me tell him all about my week. He always hugs me to sleep at night and usually wakes me up with a kiss and tells me he loves me. He even woke up in his sleep a few weeks ago and I quote, said to me "I love you so so much, please don't ever leave me, I couldn't bear to replace you." When I asked him what brought it on, he said he had a nightmare and he didn't know where I'd gone and it made him really sad. It was such a lovely thing to say. He gives me back massages sometimes which are beyond amazing and I give him loads too. Like I said, he's planning all these holidays with me and saying how much he wants to treat me when he gets his first payslip. He said to me we could do whatever I wanted. He wants to take me bowling next week as we've never done that together before and I said I missed roller-coasters so he said he wanted to take me to the theme park. He constantly tells me how beautiful I am and although he says I look like a cartoon character because I'm too cute, I really like it. He buys me wonderful presents for my birthday and christmas and he knows me inside and out. He can always read what I'm feeling like a book and if ever I'm upset he knows instantly and does everything to cheer me up again. All these things and so many more, is why I say everything is perfect. Would you throw this away over one thing? So it's a big thing, but I'm so conflicted because it hasn't actually affected us YET, and if I bring it up when everything's so perfect, what if I just ruin everything? Like TMichaels said, if I tell him I've been through his messages, he has more than enough right to get angry about that. So I don't know what to do. Also, his friends are big cheaters so it could just be as you say "locker room" talk, which is what I keep hoping.

 

Holy lawd. This is so much worse than I gathered from your first couple posts. Girl. This guy has got you so whipped it's disturbing. He's fed you crumbs, cheated, and somehow convinced you to expect zero future with him. And you're so unhealthily attached to him so you'll take his bullsh*t. (That's all it is - pure bullsh*t. He wanted to practice his romantic chat so he messaged some other girl? Please! He wants other girls to turn him on. That is an example of his bullsh*t.)

 

You ask if we wouldn't have trust issues with him too, after he cheated and gaslighted you. Well, honey...I sure as heck wouldn't have trust issues with him anymore because I'd have dropped his sorry butt so fast his tiny would spin. I have a lot more self-respect than that! He continues it because you're enabling him by staying with this poor excuse for a 'boyfriend." A guy like that isn't good enough to breathe my air.

[devilish innocent]

"I'm really scared he's going to replace me and I don't want to break up."

 

Honey, he's already told you that he's going to break-up with you and replace you at some point. If it's not this girl, then it will be the next one, or the one after that, or the one after that. Sooner or later, he's going to find somebody else. You act as though you just found out some scary new piece of information when he's already warned you that he'll leave you at some point.

 

Personally, I would never have stayed in a relationship that is already so certain to end. You want to be in a relationship that you can enjoy for the here and now. That's your choice. But if you want to do that, you have to accept that he's planning on a future that doesn't involve you.

[RosieDunne]

Thank you all so much for your responses, I do appreciate them all. And in answer to some of your questions, I don't really know what I want to be told if I'm honest it is a shocking piece of New information to me, although you may not think it is, because I was so convinced that we were both happy now, and it still doesn't make sense why he wants to go on holidays with me?? And he's also talking about getting his own place and me staying there most of the time, so he definitely hasn't checked out of the relationship like some people think. Why make all these commitments if he doesn't want to be with me? He also spends ALL his free time with me (literally) because he likes it, he always says the weekends go way too fast and he wishes I could stay so it's not like he even has any time to cheat? He also says I'm always welcome to stay on weekdays as well, I just can't because I have university although sometimes I do anyway. So it's definitely not like he doesn't want me around! He also takes me with him whenever he goes out and he always involves me in things, even hanging out with his friends which I know a lot of guys don't do. He's never actually cheated on me and I didn't think he ever would, (and he still hasn't yet) so reading this message did shock me a lot. I have thought about ending it a few times but it doesn't make sense - he hasn't actually done anything wrong yet, he's just hinted about the idea. And I see no sense in leaving now when I'm so happy with him. But I know it would hurt a lot if I hung around and he did cheat on me, I guess I'm just still hoping that he won't.

 

Also, it is possible that he was trying to just sound cool to his friend because they were friends at uni but they haven't seen each other for years and he always reminisces about what great friends they were, but I don't really think they are anymore. They live on opposite sides of the country and never see each other and the one time he did go up to visit, I went with him and they didn't have much to say to each other and I think they've sort of slipped apart. So I think he's always trying to impress him, maybe this horrible comment was just his way of doing that?

 

also, about the not being with him long term thing - it's not like that, it's not like there's no possibility of staying together, I just personally prefer to assume they're may not be a future so it will hurt less if there isn't. He hasn't ruled out the possibility of us staying together - yes he's made a couple of comments about 'nothing lasts forever' but he's seen his mum go through so many divorces that have ruined the family that I can hardly blame him for those thoughts. BUT, he also sometimes hints about our future - like he'll joke about our wedding day that's sometimes in a sort of half serious way, and he's made comments about how I'd be his 'perfect wife' and talked about if we were married and one time we were talking about wedding rings for some reason and I said I much prefer simple delicate rings to massive tacky ones and he smiled and said 'i'll remember that to bear in mind' and he's talked about what our children would be like before and how they'd be pretty like me (aww!) and adorable things like that. He's really scared of a future like that I think because he's seen it go so wrong before, but he makes so many comments that make me think secretly he does really want that.

 

We don't fight about anything anymore, we always have lovely weekends together and I just can't stand the idea of throwing something away that, ok, one day might go really wrong, but right now it works. I think I'd kick myself if I didn't even TRY, if I just ran away and didn't even stick around to see if this one comment meant anything. Does that make me stupid? I know I may seem a bit mental to some of you, but I do love him and he loves me too.

 

Also, just wanted to apologise for ranting to TMichael about accusing me of being insecure. I know he told me what I wanted to hear - that my boyfriend may not be in the wrong, but the comment about me being too insecure and crazy upset me because I was given plenty of reason to be nosey, but at the same time it upsets me that I justify that. I know he's right in many ways. I do want to hear that I should forgive my boyfriend and that this comment means nothing, but does anyone believe that? I really hope they do, I need convincing not to be scared about it

[ExpatInItaly]

Thank you all so much for your responses, I do appreciate them all. And in answer to some of your questions, I don't really know what I want to be told if I'm honest it is a shocking piece of New information to me, although you may not think it is, because I was so convinced that we were both happy now, and it still doesn't make sense why he wants to go on holidays with me?? And he's also talking about getting his own place and me staying there most of the time, so he definitely hasn't checked out of the relationship like some people think. Why make all these commitments if he doesn't want to be with me? He also spends ALL his free time with me (literally) because he likes it, he always says the weekends go way too fast and he wishes I could stay so it's not like he even has any time to cheat? He also says I'm always welcome to stay on weekdays as well, I just can't because I have university although sometimes I do anyway. So it's definitely not like he doesn't want me around! He also takes me with him whenever he goes out and he always involves me in things, even hanging out with his friends which I know a lot of guys don't do. He's never actually cheated on me and I didn't think he ever would, (and he still hasn't yet) so reading this message did shock me a lot. I have thought about ending it a few times but it doesn't make sense - he hasn't actually done anything wrong yet, he's just hinted about the idea. And I see no sense in leaving now when I'm so happy with him. But I know it would hurt a lot if I hung around and he did cheat on me, I guess I'm just still hoping that he won't.

 

Also, it is possible that he was trying to just sound cool to his friend because they were friends at uni but they haven't seen each other for years and he always reminisces about what great friends they were, but I don't really think they are anymore. They live on opposite sides of the country and never see each other and the one time he did go up to visit, I went with him and they didn't have much to say to each other and I think they've sort of slipped apart. So I think he's always trying to impress him, maybe this horrible comment was just his way of doing that?

 

also, about the not being with him long term thing - it's not like that, it's not like there's no possibility of staying together, I just personally prefer to assume they're may not be a future so it will hurt less if there isn't. He hasn't ruled out the possibility of us staying together - yes he's made a couple of comments about 'nothing lasts forever' but he's seen his mum go through so many divorces that have ruined the family that I can hardly blame him for those thoughts. BUT, he also sometimes hints about our future - like he'll joke about our wedding day that's sometimes in a sort of half serious way, and he's made comments about how I'd be his 'perfect wife' and talked about if we were married and one time we were talking about wedding rings for some reason and I said I much prefer simple delicate rings to massive tacky ones and he smiled and said 'i'll remember that to bear in mind' and he's talked about what our children would be like before and how they'd be pretty like me (aww!) and adorable things like that. He's really scared of a future like that I think because he's seen it go so wrong before, but he makes so many comments that make me think secretly he does really want that.

 

We don't fight about anything anymore, we always have lovely weekends together and I just can't stand the idea of throwing something away that, ok, one day might go really wrong, but right now it works. I think I'd kick myself if I didn't even TRY, if I just ran away and didn't even stick around to see if this one comment meant anything. Does that make me stupid? I know I may seem a bit mental to some of you, but I do love him and he loves me too.

 

Also, just wanted to apologise for ranting to TMichael about accusing me of being insecure. I know he told me what I wanted to hear - that my boyfriend may not be in the wrong, but the comment about me being too insecure and crazy upset me because I was given plenty of reason to be nosey, but at the same time it upsets me that I justify that. I know he's right in many ways. I do want to hear that I should forgive my boyfriend and that this comment means nothing, but does anyone believe that? I really hope they do, I need convincing not to be scared about it

 

Not for one hot second, nope. That's just you trying to avoid facing a very painful truth.

 

You're continuing to justify his crappy behaviour. You're in very serious denial and are going to wind up far more hurt than you already are. It's sad because you're so young and there are far better guys than him. Good luck to you, OP.

[RosieDunne]

But then why is he making all these long term commitments and wanting to live with me and begs me not to leave him? It doesn't make any sense. If he didn't care he could easily just not say any of those things.

[acrosstheuniverse]

And he's also talking about getting his own place and me staying there most of the time, so he definitely hasn't checked out of the relationship like some people think. Why make all these commitments if he doesn't want to be with me?

 

But then why is he making all these long term commitments and wanting to live with me and begs me not to leave him? It doesn't make any sense. If he didn't care he could easily just not say any of those things.

 

He's not talking about wanting to live with you, that right there is an example of how rose tinted your glasses are. He's talking about getting his own place, and you staying over. No commitment there. Going on holidays isn't commitment. Have you thought that maybe he's saying all of these things just to keep you around at his convenience until HE'S ready to end it?

[Emilia]

But then why is he making all these long term commitments and wanting to live with me and begs me not to leave him? It doesn't make any sense. If he didn't care he could easily just not say any of those things.

Some people like to keep stringing their other half along as long as possible until they find someone else. Some men have the tendency to keep a woman around so they have access to sex until someone else comes along. It cuts down on the amount of effort required to get laid.

[RosieDunne]

Acrosstheuniverse - no, I meant he has discussed us living together as well as the thing about me staying over (sorry I didn't make that clear) we have actually lived together before but we had to change it because I moved for Uni and he had to stay for work. But he does want me to live with him ideally, and as an alternative for the time being he said I can move my stuff in his place if I like and stay there as much as I want. He's discussed living plans with me after I've finished Uni though so it seems as though he's thinking long term so I don't understand and thanks for your responses, I hope that isn't the case do you really think he is just stringing me along until someone better comes up? I know I sound pathetic but I don't really know how to deal with this because I thought things were so good and he's constantly telling me how happy he is... I don't know anymore and as for the using me for sex thing, that's definitely not the case because he has a bit of a phobia of sex... He has this weird fear of getting girls pregnant so he only really likes doing other stuff... Before you say this means he isn't into me, I know for a FACT he's been like this with all 3 of his girlfriends and with other girls he's been with, through hearing it from them, from him, from other people and the fact that he's so weird about it

[Emilia]

and as for the using me for sex thing, that's definitely not the case because he has a bit of a phobia of sex... He has this weird fear of getting girls pregnant so he only really likes doing other stuff... Before you say this means he isn't into me, I know for a FACT he's been like this with all 3 of his girlfriends and with other girls he's been with, through hearing it from them, from him, from other people and the fact that he's so weird about it

Why are you staying with this guy? He sounds like a complete weirdo.

[Chocolat]

Acrosstheuniverse - no, I meant he has discussed us living together as well as the thing about me staying over (sorry I didn't make that clear) we have actually lived together before but we had to change it because I moved for Uni and he had to stay for work. But he does want me to live with him ideally, and as an alternative for the time being he said I can move my stuff in his place if I like and stay there as much as I want. He's discussed living plans with me after I've finished Uni though so it seems as though he's thinking long term so I don't understand and thanks for your responses, I hope that isn't the case do you really think he is just stringing me along until someone better comes up? I know I sound pathetic but I don't really know how to deal with this because I thought things were so good and he's constantly telling me how happy he is... I don't know anymore and as for the using me for sex thing, that's definitely not the case because he has a bit of a phobia of sex... He has this weird fear of getting girls pregnant so he only really likes doing other stuff... Before you say this means he isn't into me, I know for a FACT he's been like this with all 3 of his girlfriends and with other girls he's been with, through hearing it from them, from him, from other people and the fact that he's so weird about it

 

1. Talking about living together and actually being in a committed live-in r/s are not the same.

 

2. Going on holiday is easy and doesn't reflect anything necessarily except a desire to go on holiday.

 

3. People who live together can and do cheat (as do people who are married).

 

4. Cheating can be physical or emotional or both. Intercourse is not necessary for cheating to occur.

 

5. Your bf has already cheated (kissed someone else) so there is no use of the future tense there unless you are asking whether he will cheat again.

 

6. Ditto to all everyone else has said except TMichaels.

[ExpatInItaly]

Acrosstheuniverse - no, I meant he has discussed us living together as well as the thing about me staying over (sorry I didn't make that clear) we have actually lived together before but we had to change it because I moved for Uni and he had to stay for work. But he does want me to live with him ideally, and as an alternative for the time being he said I can move my stuff in his place if I like and stay there as much as I want. He's discussed living plans with me after I've finished Uni though so it seems as though he's thinking long term so I don't understand and thanks for your responses, I hope that isn't the case do you really think he is just stringing me along until someone better comes up? I know I sound pathetic but I don't really know how to deal with this because I thought things were so good and he's constantly telling me how happy he is... I don't know anymore and as for the using me for sex thing, that's definitely not the case because he has a bit of a phobia of sex... He has this weird fear of getting girls pregnant so he only really likes doing other stuff... Before you say this means he isn't into me, I know for a FACT he's been like this with all 3 of his girlfriends and with other girls he's been with, through hearing it from them, from him, from other people and the fact that he's so weird about it

 

That's exactly what it sounds like, yes.

 

Talk is cheap, OP. His actions are telling you he isn't committed. I don't know what further proof of that you need.

[RosieDunne]

You're all right, I know you are. I just wish you weren't. I've been covering up for him for years now, but the truth is a lot of the time he makes me miserable. I feel emotionally battered by him and sometimes I feel like everything's always to his convenience. I'm his girlfriend when he wants me to be, when he doesn't, I'm not sure I even exist to him. I really realised that today.

 

I was with my friends for a couple of days who call their boyfriends every night and they're happy to talk to each other on the phone, their conversations sound loving and it's something I crave so much with my boyfriend. He hardly lets me talk to him in the week because he says I'm 'annoying to talk to online' and then when I phone him he sounds SO grumpy from being at work that I don't know why I bothered. I didn't ring him once while I was away - he didn't even know that my friends had picked me up and taken me to another city. We actually decided to go to thorpe park (which was amazing) and I couldn't wait to tell him all about it. We'd just made the crazy decision on the spot and it was kind of crazy and exciting that we actually just drove there and went, it's something I don't normally do, and I wanted to tell him all about it. I'd even been on rides I was terrified of and never been on before and I wanted to tell him because I was happy.

 

My friends had already rang their boyfriends several times and they thought it was incredibly strange that I hadn't had any contact with mine at all, is that weird? He's always assured me that I'm the weird one for wanting to talk every day (not even every day, just a few days a week would be nice). Anyway, I rang him in the car on the way home, really excited to talk to him. He didn't pick up for an hour and I immediately started panicking about where he was and thoughts of this girl from work that he likes sprung into my head like some kind of horrible nightmare. I hate to admit it, but I don't trust him anymore, and it really hurts. I hated that I was sitting here for an hour thinking that right now, maybe he's on a date with someone else... I'm sure he wasn't, to be honest he's WAY too lazy to bother with that at the moment anyway, and no I'm not just saying that to cover for him - he's literally so tired from work at the moment because he isn't used to it (he's only had the job a couple of weeks) and he's so knackered all the time he can hardly do anything at the moment. Since starting this new job he's tired and grumpy and annoyed ALL THE TIME. And everything's all about him. Maybe I was selfish for wanting to tell him about the fun I'd had when he'd been at work all day? I did consider that, but that was the reason I didn't ring him the night before because I thought it would be cruel. But then I thought I should be able to tell my own boyfriend about something like this...

 

Eventually, when I rang him later he picked up the phone and when I asked if everything was ok because he hadn't been picking up, he said "oh yeah, I was cooking tea" no trace of any emotion in his voice at all except sounding bored and uninterested in me phoning him. I could immediately detect his tone and didn't really want to talk to him any more. But I did. Then I accidentally hung up the phone (it's touch screen and keeps doing that by accident) so immediately rang him back and said sorry that was an accident, I touched it on the side of my face! And laughed about it and REALLY grumpily he just replied "Well can you not do that in future. That's just you, you're so clumsy." It wasn't even a joke, it was dead serious like he was genuinely angry with me for accidentally hanging up the phone for one second... I tried to stay positive and be nice to him on the phone and I told him about what had happened and where we were and I thought he'd be happy to hear about it but he just really didn't seem to care. I told him about going on these rides for the first time because I was proud of myself and he was like "yeah you should have already been on them by now, I've done them like 8 times." And I didn't really know what to say to that... it was actually a pretty big achievement for me considering I hate heights and vertical drops and this rollercoaster goes 80mph which is just insane and I felt really brave going on it and I actually loved it. (sorry this sounds really lame, but I was excited about it) But he just really didn't care about any of it. I then said to him that I'd be going past his house later because I have to walk to the station to get home and I said do you mind if I pop in for half an hour or so and just say hi seeing as I'm there? And said NO so firmly I thought I'd been slapped in the face. It wasn't a no that made me think he was with someone else or anything, I think he was telling the truth about having his dinner, but it was a no that quite clearly reflected he didn't care about me and didn't want me around. I said but it was stupid when I was literally right outside his house that I couldn't even come in for a minute... but he wasn't having any of it. He was like 'no it's good you didn't come over, I want to do my own thing tonight.' We talked a bit more, mainly about him and his job, actually all about him and his ****ing job. Then eventually he said 'do you mind if you go now, I want my own time because I'm tired and I hardly get any time in the evenings.' Then we hung up. I said I love you, he didn't. I don't know what the hell happened to him today but that's one of the worst phone calls I've ever had with him in my ENTIRE life. He has never spoken to me that horribly on the phone before, I felt like I was nothing. I literally feel like I've been slapped in the face. I just cried all the way home on the train like a complete idiot and I haven't stopped crying since. I keep thinking about everything he's put me through, and I don't deserve it.

 

He wants to see me this weekend but after that I don't really want to go. Everythings just going so wrong. I'm not sure I can handle this and I know how much you're all right. He doesn't love me long term, perhaps not even at all. I'm trying to fool myself he does but he doesn't. He's going to replace me and it's going to break my heart. I need to end it but I have no idea how and I can't. I've never actually left anyone before and to be honest, this is my first long term relationship. I keep telling myself I shouldn't stay, but I'm not brave enough to leave. I don't want to be on my own, he's kind of all I have at the moment because the rest of my life has gone so wrong at the moment. And so much good stuff with him is coming up, I can't believe after all the bad stuff we've gone through, I might give up when it's good. But it's not good is it. I keep fooling myself that I'm happy but the fact that I cry nearly every weekend has been trying to tell me something for months and I just haven't let it.

 

I don't know what to do. I know you say I can leave, it's a choice. But I'm not sure I can, unfortunately I do still love him. And I don't want to be alone. But when I think that the only reason he's with me is just because he doesn't want to be alone (which is probably the case) it breaks my heart. I watched my friend with her boyfriend the last couple of days and I want that. I want someone who really loves me, who really cares about me. Why doesn't he? Do you think anything's ever going to change? I'm scared I'll never meet anyone again. And he may be a d**k when he's on the phone, but in real life he's always so lovely to me that I can't work out my own head and I keep thinking it's all my fault. I know I'll just end up going to his house again this weekend and I'll fall in love with him all over again as he's so lovely to me and I'll get confused as to why I ever felt like this and the whole thing will just keep going round and round in circles. I can't handle it.

 

Is there any way to fix it, or even try...? Am I just making it more painful for myself the longer I stay? Do I even mean a thing to him?

[RosieDunne]

But I can't stop thinking about the weekend now and how wonderful it was. We almost booked our center parcs tickets and we were so looking forward to it and I know it would be amazing like it was the last time we went. It was the most romantic holiday I'd ever been on. And he was getting so excited about all the romantic things we could do together.

And he was just so nice to me last week, (it wasn't even that, it was a few days ago) he was as lovely as he always is when it's in person. He tells me at the weekends that he knows sometimes he's been in the wrong and he's sorry for getting angry or stressed out during the week, but he's literally so tired out from his job it makes him grouchy. And that's fair enough isn't it? So he isn't mr perfect in the week, but he is when I actually see him, which is the main thing really.. isn't it? And I KEEP thinking about that moment, among so many others, from last week when we were in the supermarket and one of our favourite old songs came on and we just started miming the words down the shopping aisles and doing cute little dances and he kept kissing me all the time and just cute little things like that and then later when he just stopped me mid-shop and said "you know, you really are incredibly beautiful" and he said how lovely and long my hair is now (I've been wanting it longer for ages) and he couldn't stop staring at me and he kept smelling my hair and saying how nice it was and he ALWAYS smothers me in love and affection when I'm at his house in the most amazing perfect way.

 

Why the hell do I want to give this up?? I'm so confused I feel like my head may explode. What the hell is wrong with me?

[ExpatInItaly]

But I can't stop thinking about the weekend now and how wonderful it was. We almost booked our center parcs tickets and we were so looking forward to it and I know it would be amazing like it was the last time we went. It was the most romantic holiday I'd ever been on. And he was getting so excited about all the romantic things we could do together.

And he was just so nice to me last week, (it wasn't even that, it was a few days ago) he was as lovely as he always is when it's in person. He tells me at the weekends that he knows sometimes he's been in the wrong and he's sorry for getting angry or stressed out during the week, but he's literally so tired out from his job it makes him grouchy. And that's fair enough isn't it? So he isn't mr perfect in the week, but he is when I actually see him, which is the main thing really.. isn't it? And I KEEP thinking about that moment, among so many others, from last week when we were in the supermarket and one of our favourite old songs came on and we just started miming the words down the shopping aisles and doing cute little dances and he kept kissing me all the time and just cute little things like that and then later when he just stopped me mid-shop and said "you know, you really are incredibly beautiful" and he said how lovely and long my hair is now (I've been wanting it longer for ages) and he couldn't stop staring at me and he kept smelling my hair and saying how nice it was and he ALWAYS smothers me in love and affection when I'm at his house in the most amazing perfect way.

 

Why the hell do I want to give this up?? I'm so confused I feel like my head may explode. What the hell is wrong with me?

 

Maybe because he's a total ass who treats you like sh*t? Maybe because you are finally realizing he's a cheating tool who isn't in love with you, but uses you for affection and an ego boost when he wants to? Maybe because it's dawning on you that what you have wouldn't pass for a relationship by almost anyone's standards?

 

Honestly, OP. Your guy is a jerk and you know it, but you base your own worth on what this clown's opinion is of you. He does it because you let him. You taught him he can treat your terribly and you'll tolerate it because you're desperate for love. Personally, I wouldn't give your "boyfriend" the time of day. No girl with any self-respect would. It's going to hurt like hell when you find out the full extent of his bad behavior and he leaves you for someone else. Get out now before he dumps you cold.