worried my boyfriend wants to cheat on me

[RosieDunne]

I've read about different hormones that can cause sexual problems and lack of libido, e.g:

 

Prolactin levels were shown to play the biggest role in the participants' sex drive. Men with low prolactin levels were found to have more issues with sexual health, as well as psychological health.

 

And he is very skinny which I suspect could quite easily have an effect on his sex drive, so maybe he has a problem relating to something like this? He did say he didn't want to tell me because he didn't want to offend me, it's not like he was just saying that because I did have to force the truth out of him. I think he just needs help but he won't get it. Does anyone have any ideas/suggestions on this?

[Carenth]

OK have fun been abused peace out. I'm done. Some people never learn.

[Zahara]

I do appreciate this. I guess I just hoped someone might understand it from my point of view, I really want someone to see it from my shoes because it's so frustrating as we really are happy!! We don't have sex but that's the only problem, I know this thread is entitled that I'm worried about him cheating, but I'm honestly not really worried about that anymore. And I don't think it's anything to do with us as he's experienced it so many times before - I do think it's some kind of medical problem and I hoped maybe someone had experienced a similar thing? I appreciate your answers though, I keep rereading your messages, and perhaps you're right that I do need to see someone. I wouldn't have any idea of how to go about that though, I'd be way too scared. I don't think I could ever talk to a therapist. Perhaps if I could do it online so I wouldn't have to see them I would, but I just hate having to go in person about things that are embarrassing or upsetting.

 

No one can see it from your shoes because you are seeing it from a very skewed and broken lense. If you were really happy, you wouldn't be posting here. You're not happy. You brainwash and talk yourself into being happy with the situation. And you do that because you are too afraid to face reality and the pain of leaving.

 

You want to find every excuse to stay away from what could possibly help you break away from this. Be afraid of how you are damaging your life. be afraid of the way you have destroyed your sense of self. That's what you need to be afraid of. And the fact that you are embarassed to discuss your issues is a clear sign that you already know that what you are doing is bad for you.

[Zahara]

I've read about different hormones that can cause sexual problems and lack of libido, e.g:

 

Prolactin levels were shown to play the biggest role in the participants' sex drive. Men with low prolactin levels were found to have more issues with sexual health, as well as psychological health.

 

And he is very skinny which I suspect could quite easily have an effect on his sex drive, so maybe he has a problem relating to something like this? He did say he didn't want to tell me because he didn't want to offend me, it's not like he was just saying that because I did have to force the truth out of him. I think he just needs help but he won't get it. Does anyone have any ideas/suggestions on this?

 

Enough already. This is maddening. Instead of helping him, you need to help yourself first.

[RosieDunne]

Our situation is the same in that you are in a abusive relationship. I'm sorry but this guy has erectile dysfunction and rather than been an adult and getting help. He blames you for not having am unrealistic physical fetish ( which is a load of **** by the way ). That is some ****ed up level 10 creeper stuff right there. Not to mention emotionally abusive. Forget the fact he talks about possibly cheating on you. That is not a joke or trying to be cool that is someone who doesn't care about you.

 

If you don't leave you are saying you are fine been treated like trash. You are not trash right? Then stand up for yourself and walk away. I know it's hard but you will never be happy in this toxic relationship.

 

I am happy though, that's the thing. Otherwise it would be quite easy for me to say yeah he abuses me and I should leave. Trust me, I've tried to make myself believe that, I've spent hours trying to force myself to hate him. But I just don't. I'm going to be more miserable if I leave, I genuinely believe that. Not because I want to stay in an abusive relationship - because it isn't abusive. It's a very happy one. I'm happy, I could scream it a million times from a rooftop - I'm really happy. Isn't that what matters the most? He doesn't hurt me anymore, comments about my boobs don't hurt me anymore because I realise how ridiculous they are. And yes, he made a comment to his friend about this girl he found attractive - but I do genuinely believe it's because he wants to feel like he even could have an affair, or have sex for that matter. Because he doesn't seem able to. It's not about me, or cheating on me. I don't believe he would, let alone that he could. He wants things to work with ME, he's made that so clear and he's putting every effort into making me happy, he really is. He's upset because he's worried his inability is going to make me leave, I think he may even have thought about that girl as an alternative in case I did leave him, but I don't think it's a replacement of me. He really does seem to want to be with me.

[Zahara]

It's a very happy one. I'm happy, I could scream it a million times from a rooftop - I'm really happy. Isn't that what matters the most? .

 

If you're happy, then what are we doing spinning wheels on this threads?

 

People that are happy and are screaming from the rooftops about how incredibly fullfilling and sustaining their relationship is, should be out there living and enjoying the relationship. The last thing they would be doing is posting on LS. They don't post threads on LS about how they're wondering if their bf is going to cheat on them, how the bf antagonizes them, how the boyfriend could be mentally and emotionally manipulating them, how the boyfriend can't have sex because the boobs aren't big enough, how the boyfriend can't get a hard-on, how they would rather be emotionally abused than be alone, etc. and then contradict all that by saying they could scream from the rooftops. It's ludicrous.

 

You accept this relationship for what it is, or you leave. There is no in between. And there is no in between because you live this relationship by his terms. As I said, NO ONE is going to offer you any advice that condones to what you need. We'll all just be running around in circles.

[RosieDunne]

If you're happy, then what are we doing spinning wheels on this threads?

 

People that are happy and are screaming from the rooftops about how incredibly fullfilling and sustaining their relationship is, should be out there living and enjoying the relationship. The last thing they would be doing is posting on LS. They don't post threads on LS about how they're wondering if their bf is going to cheat on them, how the bf antagonizes them, how the boyfriend could be mentally and emotionally manipulating them, how the boyfriend can't have sex because the boobs aren't big enough, how the boyfriend can't get a hard-on, how they would rather be emotionally abused than be alone, etc. and then contradict all that by saying they could scream from the rooftops. It's ludicrous.

 

You accept this relationship for what it is, or you leave. There is no in between. And there is no in between because you live this relationship by his terms. As I said, NO ONE is going to offer you any advice that condones to what you need. We'll all just be running around in circles.

 

I'm sorry if I'm wasting everyone's time I'm just really confused, I'm posting on here because I don't understand, I don't understand anything. Ok, you're right about everything that's wrong - this relationship is far from perfect. But I was just saying that stuff about screaming because I am happy and that's the part I don't understand. If this were you, and you had these options, what would you do? And not just the obvious answer, what would you really do if you really loved and cared about this person? If you could either 1.) Leave him and be miserable, lonely and missing him incredibly just because you feel as though you 'shouldn't' be with him despite the fact you were happy or 2.) Stay with him and face the possibility of getting hurt in the future instead because you are currently really happy and see no reason in ending something that other people may not understand, but does make you happy? I'm not criticising anyone's responses, as I know you're all right in ways. But I'm just saying I'm confused. I need help, ok maybe I want an in between. Maybe I want someone to show up and say of course you can fix him and then you'll be happy. And perhaps I'm totally deluding myself, but I keep posting because I'm confused. I'm not unhappy, I just don't understand. Has noone else ever had this kind of situation? I can't be the only one, I'm just really starting to think I'm crazy because I understand all your points of view, I just can't see them. If that makes sense? I'm happy with him, but I don't know if I should be. I want to just follow my heart, stop posting my worries on here and be happy in a relationship with him but now I can't help but feel this niggle in the back of my head about all the things everyone's told me - because they are all right. Perhaps I am in an abusive relationship. But I don't feel like I am, am I crazy? I just really want to stay and I want someone to support me because I feel like I'm mental for choosing that.

[Zahara]

You need to find a mental health professional to help you. No one can help you with your relationship until you heal the root of your issues. Until you do that, you will stay where you are. LS isn't the place for you. You can post incessantly but you won't be able to find the help you need here because no one can/will condone what you are doing to yourself. As I said before, you will probably have to be beaten to a pulp before you decide on your own free will that it's time to get out. Until that bulb goes off in your head, nothing we can say on here will help you.

 

Start doing your research on mental health professionals. Make an appointment and start your journey from there. The being afraid and embarrassed is ludicrous. If you're able to endure being disrespected and emotionally/mentally abused by a man, you can endure sitting with a therapist, being honest in your sessions, prioritizing yourself because your self-esteem and your self-respect is well worth it.

Edited March 31, 2014 by Zahara

[RosieDunne]

I'm just really confused. I could leave, I just don't know if it's right because I love him so much. But it's becoming a bit more complicated, because there's sort of someone I like, and he wants to meet up with me for drinks. I don't know what to do? I still really love my boyfriend, I do. And I don't want to break up with him, but what if our relationship is never going anywhere? What if he never wants to have sex with me and I just keep getting myself hurt? What if he cheats? And then this really nice guy shows up and is offering me an alternative, but I feel so guilty that I've even been talking to him, because I want my boyfriend. But I'm not sure that he wants me seeing as he never has sex with me, but then he does tell me he loves me so I don't know?!? it kind of tears my heart in half. But I don't know what I want. Do I stay with my boyfriend, who I love, and try and make things work? I sort of want to meet up with this person, mainly out of curiosity because we've been talking as friends for so long but I've never actually hung out with him. But he seems really nice and he seems to like me, but I just feel terrible because I'm effectively playing two men along. It only happened today that he said he wants to meet up. And normally I would have ignored the thought entirely, I do NOT want to cheat on my boyfriend, at all. But after all this doubt and everything you've all said to me, I really don't know what to do. Do I stay with boyfriend and tell this person the truth? Or do I meet up with him just as a friend? Or do I break up with my boyfriend and meet up with him? I really don't want to break up with my boyfriend at all, especially after this weekend which was SO nice, and he even convinced me to stay on a monday despite having work! but I'm more and more scared I'm just clinging onto a doomed relationship. What do I do?

[Zahara]

What do I do?

 

You say you are confused. When we explain it to you, you come back with justifications, excuses, reasons, etc. It's futile. It's a waste of time. Six pages of you going around the bend and posters about to shoot themselves.

 

While you are in turmoil over your bf, you are now potentially introducing a new guy into the situation. Adding another person to the mix when you are emotionally and mentally dysfunctional, will create more problems for you. When you are emotionally vulnerable in a relationship, the last thing you do is add another man into your life. You make the worst mistakes when you are clouded and confused. The reason you are doing this is because 1) you really aren't happy and confident in your relationship 2) you are hoping to find a new branch to hold on to so that you can let go of the old one.

 

You cannot stand feeling pain from being alone. You have to have a man. And that's because you have no sense of self, no self-esteem and no ability to be dependent on yourself.

 

I can't advise you about this other man. You Rosie, will have to learn the hard way. Advice is useless to you when you can't find perspective in it.

[RosieDunne]

Well that's exactly what I thought, and even the thought of meeting him makes me feel sick with myself because I want things to work with my boyfriend, I just don't think they ever will. But he wants to meet me and I don't know what to say to him? I think this is a really bad idea and I don't really want to go through with it, I just thought maybe it was an alternative if my boyfriend is such a bad choice. But he isn't. I know I'm a terrible, terrible person, I shouldn't even be considering this. it's just because I'm craving intimacy. My boyfriend is affectionate and loving but he doesn't have sex with me and talking about it this weekend made me remember how much I'd suppressed those feelings so I was stupid and spoke to this guy again. It makes me want to cry when I think about it because I just want my boyfriend to want to be intimate with me. But he doesn't. And that's the worst thing to have to live with. But I want him, I want everything about him, just to combine with the brain of someone who wants to sleep with me. It's so frustrating. If he just wanted me sexually, I'd never want anyone else. But he doesn't.

 

Plus I don't want to piss this guy off by telling him that actually I have a boyfriend, as he's really nice and I enjoy talking to him and if I tell him that he'll probably never talk to me again, just as a friend. But I also don't want to meet up with him because I don't want to be unfaithful. Do you really not think my boyfriend is worth putting the effort into? I really want to believe he is, but you've all told me over and over again how bad he is for me. I'm not saying I'm going to jump straight from him to another guy, I just don't really know what to say without coming across as a horrible two timing bitch. I just feel awful, beyond awful. Even introducing him into the picture was a terrible idea, but I was just stupid because of how hurt I felt.

[Zahara]

Do you really not think my boyfriend is worth putting the effort into? .

 

How many times are you going to ask the question? And asking it 27 different ways won't change the 6 pages of responses you have received. The responses will not change.

 

You need to stay away from men and work on yourself. Forget going on and on about your bf. Forget about this new guy. You have no ability to carry a relationship the way you are, with anyone.

 

BOTTOM LINE: The way you are, you will be no good to any person that enters your life. If you don't even love yourself, what could you possibly have to offer anyone else. All you'll keep doing is attaching yourself and being an extension of every man you meet. And if you do not take care of your issues, all you'll keep doing is attaching yourself to unhealthy men.

 

I wish you could step out of yourself and see how you perceive yourself to be and how much value you actually have within youself. It's absolutely sad and depressive to see you mangle yourself over your desire to have someone in your life.

[RosieDunne]

I do respect myself, and I have been working on these things for the past year or so as I was aware it was an issue. I've been working a lot on my confidence and self worth and it has improved a lot, and I'm aware I need to keep at it. But I'm not totally incapable of having a healthy relationship. The only reason you probably think I'm so messed up is because of how I've been going on about my boyfriend for the last 6 pages, but I was just getting desperate wanting someone to give me advice I wanted to hear. I won't be the same with anyone else, I've learnt my mistakes from this relationship and next time will certainly be different. I don't need a man to be in my life, I can be on my own, I didn't plan for this to happen, it just sort of did. But I'm only being like this because I don't know what to do - even in the long run I'd just like some advice, whether that's sticking with my boyfriend or leaving him, working on myself for a bit and then maybe seeing this friend, or maybe just not seeing anyone at all. Although I already know everyone's answers, I just sort of want someone to agree with the good points about my boyfriend, because there ARE lots of them. I am scared of being on my own, but I'm sure I could do it. I know no-one's actually going to say to me stay with your boyfriend, but I wish they would. I don't understand why noone thinks he's alright? He hasn't done that much wrong, he has in the past maybe but I was too vulnerable in the past as well and encouraged it. I've toughened up and as a result he's become less mean, I think we work and that we improve each other. I know you think I'm delusional, but don't you agree with that at all?

[Zahara]

You don't respect yourself, I'm sorry. When a woman says that she would rather be emotionally abused than be alone, that isn't coming from a woman that respects herself or has any self-worth or confidence. It's delusional. The way you respond, you exhibit a very strong sense of denial. A woman that is self-respecting and loves herself, doesn't make a statement like that. A woman that has self-respect isn't afraid to be alone. She would rather be alone than have the need to be with someone that can't have sex with her because her boobs are small, emotionally and mentally manipulates her, makes her worry about whether he is cheating, antagonizes her, can't get a hard-on with her, doesn't make her feel loved by giving her the intimacy she needs -- heard of the saying, "It's better to be alone than to be with someone and still feel alone."

 

"I think we work and that we improve each other."

 

Then keep up the good work and move along.

[TAV]

Rosie, don't be surprised when somewhere in your future you will find yourself with a set of humongous breasts because this man has manipulated you into getting them to 'cure' him. He is a manipulator who's toying with you and you keep letting him and boy, is he having fun or what?!?!

 

I read your last long post gasping at every line. Like others have said here, you seem beyond help. I'm afraid it will take years of misery before you finally open your eyes.

 

You don't have to justify your relationship with him to us. We are just strangers, who go on with their own life as soon as they log off here and most will probably never give your situation another thought again. You are the one having to live this life. You won't be able to convince us, it's a miracle how you manage to convince yourself that this is a healthy relationship.

 

I hope you do realise you only have the one life to live. You won't be able to get these years back.

 

I wish you lots of strength the coming years.

 

 

A very sad LS-member

[justwhoiam]

Rosie, I suggest you do the following.

 

Get a sheet of paper and fold it in half and then unfold it, as if there were an invisible line in the middle.

 

Then start looking at every post you wrote in this thread, from the opening post to the last one.

 

Then get a pen/pencil and start writing all the positive things and the likes about that guy and the relationship/interaction with him on the left, and all the negative/mean things on the right. You number them all.

 

After that, you draw a horizontal line and go on with more bad and good stuff that comes to mind.

 

Give it a couple of days at least, so that you can think of as many things as possible that happened since the beginning. During this time, do not contact him. Be on your own, to be as objective as possible. He's the kind of guy who can go on for over a week and even two without hearing from you, so I guess he won't even notice. And remember that lying to yourself will be like repeatedly sleeping on a bed of s--t, it stinks and you can get sick from it. Seriously sick.

 

Then come back here and tell us the results of this experiment.

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to stop lying to yourself. You're not happy- please. It's clear not a word of what we've said has registered with you, and we're wasting our time trying to help you. You don't want to hear the truth even from him. He's not having sex with you, and won't tell you why for fear he'll offend you? Good god. It's probably better you don't hear the real reason for that, because it's very likely something to do with you that would absolutely devastate you.

 

Anyway. You're wasting your youth on someone who doesn't give a sh*t about you. You aren't going to find the help you need online. You need to seek out a professional who can help you repair your self-esteem and horrible abandonment issues. Good luck to you, Rosie. You'll need it.

[RosieDunne]

Rosie, I suggest you do the following.

 

Get a sheet of paper and fold it in half and then unfold it, as if there were an invisible line in the middle.

 

Then start looking at every post you wrote in this thread, from the opening post to the last one.

 

Then get a pen/pencil and start writing all the positive things and the likes about that guy and the relationship/interaction with him on the left, and all the negative/mean things on the right. You number them all.

 

After that, you draw a horizontal line and go on with more bad and good stuff that comes to mind.

 

Give it a couple of days at least, so that you can think of as many things as possible that happened since the beginning. During this time, do not contact him. Be on your own, to be as objective as possible. He's the kind of guy who can go on for over a week and even two without hearing from you, so I guess he won't even notice. And remember that lying to yourself will be like repeatedly sleeping on a bed of s--t, it stinks and you can get sick from it. Seriously sick.

 

Then come back here and tell us the results of this experiment.

 

Thank you for this suggestion, I will definitely be doing this now!

[TMichaels]

Thank you for this suggestion, I will definitely be doing this now!

 

Then spend a penny and get yourself a copy of this.

 

 

Best,

TMichaels

[mano]

LS is not the place for you my dear. You need some professional help yourself. As far as your bf is concerned, he himself is mentally sick.

You come here crying n whinin asking for advice and when a sane advice is given so u cry out loud that you r very happy with him.

God. I went nuts readin this thread of yours. Something awful in the near future will most likey open up your eyes this time. Goodluck though.

Zahara. Hats off to you for being soo patient and still trying to make you understand.

[ThisGal]

hello dear

 

i know your feeling's. why you trust any boy's. all boy's are cheater. Please don't trust any boy's.

 

I haven't really read this thread but this comment right is so far from the truth. NOT all men are cheaters, just as NOT all women are cheaters. That false mentality will have you paranoid and alone.