Very confused

[elsalvador]

Please Read this. It is from my personal jurnal. I dont know what to do????

 

Its kind of long, sorry. But your help is welcome!

 

"Why do I do the things I do? This is my first time writing a personal journal for myself. I have always wanted to do it, but just never got around to doing it. The reason I have started is to track my feelings, to figure out if my descions are correct. Wait, what is correct??? Is it what I say is correct? Who is to decide? I think it is me! Well….. I have been married for a year and a half now. I was freaked out about getting married. I did not want to get married. I felt I was making a big mistake. My wife and I did not get along very well. I felt like she wanted to get married very badly. I know she loves me a lot, but I also think she hates me? Is this possible? I love her too, but I am angry and sad about our future. I wrote on a website about my feelings and the wedding plans. I was given some advice to leave. I wonder was I being one sided in how I described my feeling. I tried to be very truthful and believe I was. Any how, my wife found the web site somehow (to this day I cant explain how she found it and I am concerned about what I do on my home computer for fear that she will find it) thus I am writing this on my work computer and will probably continue to. When she found out, she was hurt, crying. I left. We chatted on the web site, me from my friend’s house. The people were helpful at first, and then I think they got sick of it. Told us to go see someone. I was getting private messages from some of the members saying that I should leave. I chose to go back? Why, was it love? We decided to go see someone. We had 3-4 sessions. My feelings were to put off the wedding for a bit, she would not! It was do it now, or leave. I did not want to leave, was it love? The counselor lady was very nice, also said it would be best if we waited. We did not wait. We got married. Went on our honey moon in Hawaii. There, we seemed to have a great time, except for one fight, I remember going on the balcony and saying to myself, what the hell are you doing, you know this is not going to work in the long run. I stayed. Is it love??? It has been a year and half since the honeymoon. We have been on two vacations together since. We have had fights on both of them. One was really bad. She said things like she wished she never married me. I say the same thing, only I say them to myself. I believe she does not really believe them. Like when I say them to myself. I believe everyone has these feelings from time to time. I wonder, do they?? Anyhow, we are distant from each other. I think its more me than her. I just can’t seem to stop thinking that we are going to be fighting for the rest of our lives. Is it supposed to be like this? Somehow I think not. We get along great, until there is a problem. She has such a temper, that when we fight it seems that she just hates me. Then on the other hand, when were not fighting, we get along great. But in the back of my mind, I dread the next disagreement. Do I have a problem? I think I do, but I think I don’t. I try my hardest not to get her mad at me, I don’t want to fight. To me I think couples are going to fight about things, but they work them out, and don’t personally attack the other. Am I right? I don’t personally attack her ever, out loud. Is it the same thing to think to yourself and speak out loud? If it is then I am just as guilty. After a while of being married, I really liked it. It makes me feel more …….grown up I guess. I have a great job I really enjoy. I am starting to acquire things I never thought I would have but only dreamed about. I am finally starting to get good credit; I have nice cloths, nice car, good income, and married. I am on the verge of buying a house as well. I should be very happy. "

[quankanne]

sounds like you guys do fine ... until an argument comes along, and one of y'all chooses to fight dirty. maybe it's time to invest in a marriage strenghthening program that teaches y'all how to communicate more effectively, instead of arguing harshly.

 

go to a web search engine and key in "marriagebuilders" or "marriage encounter," to learn more some programs that several 'Shackers have tried and found to have worked. I'm one of them, and I tell you what, it's the best thing my husband and I ever did for our marriage -- and he'll be the first to tell anyone who asks!

 

you might also ask your counselor about marriage building programs or retreats, or have her bring it up during a future session. I think once you and your wife get on the same page on how to respectfully disagree, you'll cut to the heart of your problems by better communicating about what is bothering you.

[Pocky]

what the hell are you doing, you know this is not going to work in the long run.

 

I guess the thing I get from your post is that you're lost in the dread of how things won't work and you aren't really considering if they even are working. If you want to view the marriage as a mistake then every thing that occurs will be considered a mistake. Your perception can be misconstrued if you have already created predetermined expectations that something is going to be bad.

 

If you keep telling yourself it won't work, then it won't work. Have you thought about not worrying about whether or not it will work and just let things take their course so that you could find out if it's not working?

[elsalvador]

Originally posted by Pocky

I guess the thing I get from your post is that you're lost in the dread of how things won't work and you aren't really considering if they even are working. If you want to view the marriage as a mistake then every thing that occurs will be considered a mistake. Your perception can be misconstrued if you have already created predetermined expectations that something is going to be bad.

 

If you keep telling yourself it won't work, then it won't work. Have you thought about not worrying about whether or not it will work and just let things take their course so that you could find out if it's not working?

Originally posted by Pocky

If you keep telling yourself it won't work, then it won't work. Have you thought about not worrying about whether or not it will work and just let things take their course so that you could find out if it's not working?

 

We have been together for 12 yrears. I have been "letting things take there course". To me, I think its just her personallity. Its not just me the way she acts. She is like this to most people I see her with.

 

I would like to share something more...... She has been asking lately if I love her all the time. I say of course I do. Just acting very strange?? I mean like all the time. Now I have noticed the the history has been deleted on our computer often lately. I decided to install a spy program. She has been talking to someone else. I dont think she has done anything yet, but very close.

 

Makes fun of me, saying I think she is an angel. I did think that. Whare do I go with this.

Also talking sexual; subjects. Should I confront her? Or let things take there course?

[Devildog]

Should I confront her? Or let things take there course?

 

Want to see what the course is, read my post on this board. That will tell you prety much where it will go. I was served with divorce papers this past weekend.

 

Your wife sounds like a controlling, childish, spoiled brat. Get your spine and your nads back from her and leave her, because she will leave you soon enough.

[rble618740]

elsalvador:

 

I desparately wanted to respond to you because I wanted to ask you to consider what happened in my marriage before you made any drastic decisions in yours. That was, until I read about your wife's online activities. So...this advice is related only to the conflict you experience in your marriage and your wife's approach to things that make her mad/upset/unhappy.

 

I was just like your wife until this past June. Like you, I have been married a year and a half. My husband left in June because he could not stand that feeling you're talking about, not knowing when I was going to blow up. He felt he could never experience ...peace, for lack of a better word, in my presence (even when we were not fighting, he was uneasy about what might set me off). He didn't blame me, but he believed it was a part of my personality that could not be changed and that, perhaps, we just couldn't live together harmoniously. I had legitimate gripes, but I attacked him with them. I beat him down with my mouth on a regular basis. It's not easy or pretty to admit, it was an ugly scene. But...honestly, it was similar to how I had acted with past boyfriends. When my husband left, I went to talk to someone about it - not for him, but because it was an ugly part of myself that I didn't like.

 

I implemented a rule whereby, if something made me furious or upset, I dealt with the emotions alone for 24 - 48 hours. Then, when I was not so enraged or emotional, I would calmly tell my husband about what he did that had upset me so badly. I would be open to discussing the matter at a later date/time so my husband didn't feel taken off guard with some big discussion when he wasn't ready. I finally accepted that I can't control him and that I shouldn't let his actions have such an extreme effect on me. Amazingly enough, my hard work has been rewarded in that - the more even-keeled and less combative I have become, the harder my husband has tried to be a good husband. When we went to counseling together, we learned that I was raised in a household with an extreme amount of conflict (everyone screamed at each other, everyone was emotional, we talked over each other, etc.) making me very confrontational and my husband was raised in a household where his family NEVER raised their voices at one another. In fact, my husband's parents divorced when he was 16, but he never saw them fight or have cross words. He avoided confrontation at all costs. We had to compromise and learn to resolve conflict (because it's going to arise in a marriage). Our marriage has been AMAZING since he came home in August. He constantly compliments the changes I've made in dealing with "us."

 

All of that is to say, your wife can approach things differently - but she has to want to and she has to be willing to talk to someone who can give her the tools to handle things differently than she has been. If you always do what you've always done, you will always be where you've always been. She may not know HOW to address issues without screaming, blaming and attacking.

 

Personally, though, I think the internet thing is a different story. If your wife has the propensity to be unfaithful to you, she may not have the commitment it takes to accomplish what I've talked about above. It's not easy - but I love my husband so much that I want to be someone he turns to - not someone that he's afriad of. If you get the internet thing cleared up, I think there's a lot of hope for your other problem if you're wife is dedicated to making a change. You have to be as well. There are things you can do to descalate a fight. You may need to talk to someone about what those things are and about some tools to help you do so.

[elsalvador]

rble618740; Thanks for the reply. sounds very familiar to me! I wish my wife was as understanding as you seem to be now.

 

As for me getting my wife to do the same.....I don't think so.

Her online buddy are set to meet tomoral. I was reading some of her conversation last night and I had to shut it off. I was getting very upset. I would not believe it if I did not see it myself. It don't even sound like her. Unbelievable. As much as I want to stop her, I don't think I will say anything. I want to see how far she will go. It will make it easier for me to leave. Well I guess she still has some respect, she told him that they should not have sex the first time they meet. Better to wait until the second date. ****! Sorry for the curse, Im just very mad. Im in school upgrading for my job, and this is when this meeting is taking place. Now that pissed me off. She tell me to work hard at school to secure our future, and then wile im there she's getting off.

 

Well I want to leave, but I have a car that im in love with that's off the road for the winter. Its in our garage. I have no place to put it until them. Bit I don't think I can wait. ****. Sorry again..... I just cant believe it. I do admit we have had problems...but why not just leave, why she got to go do this behind our marriage....

 

Well I have to stop writing now, Im just getting to mad. Im at work and need to concentrate.

Thanks for all the advice and replies here. I have no one to talk to about this, So I appreciate it very much!!!