Is it too late for NC?

[Me. Myself and I]

Hi everyone.

 

You may or may not have read my previous post.

I'm looking for peoples opinions on whether or not NC will work not just for my time to heal. But also for time to my ex to possibly miss me and reach out.

 

It's been 5 months today that we've broken up.

I've been in LC throughout. During this time I've done everything wrong in the book. Crying, pleading, begging. I've shown signs of insecurity and neediness. Which I now feel like a fool for doing. But I've learned.

We were together 3 years and all though that may not seem like a lot to some, I thought this would be it.

During the LC we talked ok. But then my emotions ran wild. I couldn't control them and ended up questioning him and pushing for an answer after being left breadcrumbs. He ended up angry with me and told me he feels nothing and that he doesn't want a relationship and is done with with us. He said he wanted to settle down eventually but not with me.

I know a lot of you will say move on. I'm trying, but I'd still like to know if there could be a chance after going NC. Even with LC he knew I was still there. So I'm hoping this will let him realise I'm not anymore.

What are your views/experiences with this?

 

Many thanks

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Hi everyone.

 

You may or may not have read my previous post.

I'm looking for peoples opinions on whether or not NC will work not just for my time to heal. But also for time to my ex to possibly miss me and reach out.

 

It's been 5 months today that we've broken up.

I've been in LC throughout. During this time I've done everything wrong in the book. Crying, pleading, begging. I've shown signs of insecurity and neediness. Which I now feel like a fool for doing. But I've learned.

We were together 3 years and all though that may not seem like a lot to some, I thought this would be it.

During the LC we talked ok. But then my emotions ran wild. I couldn't control them and ended up questioning him and pushing for an answer after being left breadcrumbs. He ended up angry with me and told me he feels nothing and that he doesn't want a relationship and is done with with us. He said he wanted to settle down eventually but not with me.

I know a lot of you will say move on. I'm trying, but I'd still like to know if there could be a chance after going NC. Even with LC he knew I was still there. So I'm hoping this will let him realise I'm not anymore.

What are your views/experiences with this?

 

Many thanks

 

I'm going to be honest with you: I think it will never happen again. Good news: I highly doubt it was because of your actions after the BU. He wanted to be done, so he left. I think all of the actions afterwards were him wanting to keep some sort of contact. If he wanted you back, he would have said so. Of course, your actions at the end may hurt the reputation you had in his eyes, but I dont think that made a difference for a reconcilation because I dont think there was going to be one to begin with.

 

In terms of him "realizing" what he had, I HIGHLY doubt it. Most don't. EVEN if they do, its usually a LONG time from that when both parties become two different people. Again, that day has about as much chance of happening as a lasting Kim Kardashian marriage.

 

If youre using NC as a tool for him to miss you, you're doing it ALL wrong.

[Me. Myself and I]

I'm going to be honest with you: I think it will never happen again. Good news: I highly doubt it was because of your actions after the BU. He wanted to be done, so he left. I think all of the actions afterwards were him wanting to keep some sort of contact. If he wanted you back, he would have said so. Of course, your actions at the end may hurt the reputation you had in his eyes, but I dont think that made a difference for a reconcilation because I dont think there was going to be one to begin with.

 

In terms of him "realizing" what he had, I HIGHLY doubt it. Most don't. EVEN if they do, its usually a LONG time from that when both parties become two different people. Again, that day has about as much chance of happening as a lasting Kim Kardashian marriage.

 

If youre using NC as a tool for him to miss you, you're doing it ALL wrong.

 

 

Thanks for responding. I thought as much but wanted to hear other peoples view. Why would he have wanted to keep any contact? That's what confused me?

Maybe to soften the blow? I took things quite hard. Maybe he was unsure?

 

Using NC for me but wondered if it would achieve results on my ex's side too.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Thanks for responding. I thought as much but wanted to hear other peoples view. Why would he have wanted to keep any contact? That's what confused me?

Maybe to soften the blow? I took things quite hard. Maybe he was unsure?

 

Using NC for me but wondered if it would achieve results on my ex's side too.

 

I doubt he was unsure. MOST dumpers dont leave someone just randomly. They think about it for quite a while, weigh pros and cons, etc. Some find others before they even leave. Whatever the case, he did. Trying to question his actions will lead nowhere I assure you. Just long nights awake and multiple unanswered questions.

 

Keep using NC for you. NC won't "achieve" anything other than helping you move on. If you are going to sit around wondering if he is going to call/text/e-mail while you fully try to move on, all you are doing is slowing down your own process. You will move on SOOOO slow and hurting for many months.

[David87]

Why would he have wanted to keep any contact?

That's what confused me?

 

He did this to ease his guilt. He thought that by staying in contact ,you wont suffer as much but you did....

 

Maybe to soften the blow?

 

Of course, not for you but for him. This was a selfish thing to do.

 

I took things quite hard.

 

It's normal because you weren't prepared for the BU as he was.

 

Maybe he was unsure?

 

I don't think so. He knew exactly what he was doing.

 

Using NC for me but wondered if it would achieve results on my ex's side too.

 

He is missing you sometimes but he wont come back, I'm sorry I had to be blunt with you but it's for your own benefit.

[Me. Myself and I]

I doubt he was unsure. MOST dumpers dont leave someone just randomly. They think about it for quite a while, weigh pros and cons, etc. Some find others before they even leave. Whatever the case, he did. Trying to question his actions will lead nowhere I assure you. Just long nights awake and multiple unanswered questions.

 

Keep using NC for you. NC won't "achieve" anything other than helping you move on. If you are going to sit around wondering if he is going to call/text/e-mail while you fully try to move on, all you are doing is slowing down your own process. You will move on SOOOO slow and hurting for many months.

 

Thanks, I know I've been the one that's made it harder to move on.

He also said he didn't want another relationship. Isn't looking and just concentrating on himself. This has been the only thing he has been clear on (recently) I guess with him saying "if anything was to happen we would need to be friends first" and "I don't know how I feel or if things would change" that it gave me hope being in contact. It's left me confused about everything...

He decided to follow up with a drunk text at 3 am to confirm everything again. ( I'd dropped the last of his things of that night. I responded to him later in the day quite angrily and I'm feeling a little guilty for it??

[Me. Myself and I]

Why would he have wanted to keep any contact?

That's what confused me?

 

He did this to ease his guilt. He thought that by staying in contact ,you wont suffer as much but you did....

 

Maybe to soften the blow?

 

Of course, not for you but for him. This was a selfish thing to do.

 

I took things quite hard.

 

It's normal because you weren't prepared for the BU as he was.

 

Maybe he was unsure?

 

I don't think so. He knew exactly what he was doing.

 

Using NC for me but wondered if it would achieve results on my ex's side too.

 

He is missing you sometimes but he wont come back, I'm sorry I had to be blunt with you but it's for your own benefit.

 

Thanks David87

As I'd just posted it's the things like "if anything was to happen" and "I don't know how I feel or if it would change" that got me in to an emotional nightmare again. I also don't understand why he felt the need to contact me at 3 in the morning to reconfirm what he's said. He also said I don't want a relationship with you but I also don't want to see you hurt??? I'd already been hurt because of the BU and even more so with the (what I felt) where breadcrumbs. He knew I didn't want to stay in contact as friends I'd told him how I felt. but he continued with it. This reignited the fight in me to try and save things.

[Me. Myself and I]

Also to add... In his drunk message he said he still wants to see the dog (we got him together) he's hasn't bothered with him until now. But also stated he didn't want me getting ideas if he was about to see him???

[martaldn]

U need to cut contacts with him no matter what he is saying U ( unless he tells you he wants to try again and be with you. which is quite unlucky considering how things are at the moment )

I understand how you feel cause I have been through the same roller coasters so many times I have lost the count but you have to go NC for your own good.

try to stop thinking about you have done because that is something you cant change but you can change future things. Maybe one day he will come back and you wont want him anymore because you are healed and you realized you can actually live without him - but you will never know if you dont try... a relationship should be something that makes us happy not sad and this relationship doesn't make you happy at the moment so you need to get out of it, live your life and try to be happy again. with or without him

[rubberman]

Hi everyone.

 

You may or may not have read my previous post.

I'm looking for peoples opinions on whether or not NC will work not just for my time to heal. But also for time to my ex to possibly miss me and reach out.

 

It's been 5 months today that we've broken up.

I've been in LC throughout. During this time I've done everything wrong in the book. Crying, pleading, begging. I've shown signs of insecurity and neediness. Which I now feel like a fool for doing. But I've learned.

We were together 3 years and all though that may not seem like a lot to some, I thought this would be it.

During the LC we talked ok. But then my emotions ran wild. I couldn't control them and ended up questioning him and pushing for an answer after being left breadcrumbs. He ended up angry with me and told me he feels nothing and that he doesn't want a relationship and is done with with us. He said he wanted to settle down eventually but not with me.

I know a lot of you will say move on. I'm trying, but I'd still like to know if there could be a chance after going NC. Even with LC he knew I was still there. So I'm hoping this will let him realise I'm not anymore.

What are your views/experiences with this?

 

Many thanks

 

You have to try move on with full nc, keeping lc will just making it harder for yourself. From what ive read, it looks like his already moved on.

[Me. Myself and I]

U need to cut contacts with him no matter what he is saying U ( unless he tells you he wants to try again and be with you. which is quite unlucky considering how things are at the moment )

I understand how you feel cause I have been through the same roller coasters so many times I have lost the count but you have to go NC for your own good.

try to stop thinking about you have done because that is something you cant change but you can change future things. Maybe one day he will come back and you wont want him anymore because you are healed and you realized you can actually live without him - but you will never know if you dont try... a relationship should be something that makes us happy not sad and this relationship doesn't make you happy at the moment so you need to get out of it, live your life and try to be happy again. with or without him

 

Thank you

 

It's been one hell of a ride. I'm going to stick to no contact. Even though it's been 5 months, because all this happened recently I'm back to square one.

[Me. Myself and I]

You have to try move on with full nc, keeping lc will just making it harder for yourself. From what ive read, it looks like his already moved on.

 

Thank you for your input. I'm afraid that you might be right. It's hard thinking that the person you love doesn't want you anymore.

[Me. Myself and I]

Ok, I've been sat going over and over and over this. A wave of emotion and tears have come across me. Because I left the last message to him as angry and saying that I didn't want him (which isn't the case) I'm wondering if I should say any different?

I know he has said things are over but deep down a part of me thinks it might not be. I haven't really given him the space to think about things because of being in contact.

I was thinking if sending this.....

 

xxx, I just wanted to apologise for my outburst to your reply last week. I don't want you to think this is an effort to reach out to you, or indeed anyway of being callous. It's not, I'm not a bad person. I was just angry that I'd let you treat me the way you had towards the end of the relationship and over the last months. I became a pushover and didn't respect my own boundaries. That's not me! I lost control of my emotions which in turn only reconfirmed your decision that things are indeed over. I'm not interested in being your friend, my only interest in you is romantic. Since you've made it clear that's not what you want, then there's really no point in having any contact with you.

 

Ok hit me with it.....

Wrong? Right? I don't know.... I can feel myself slipping again.

I've never felt the urge to fight for someone like this before. Am I just going crazy? Do I really think by putting in the sentence about only being interested romantically if not the no contact is going to make him switch his mind? No. I just want him to know I was angry when saying I didn't want him anymore.....

[Zahara]

Ok hit me with it.....

Wrong? Right? I don't know.... I can feel myself slipping again.

I've never felt the urge to fight for someone like this before. Am I just going crazy? Do I really think by putting in the sentence about only being interested romantically if not the no contact is going to make him switch his mind? No. I just want him to know I was angry when saying I didn't want him anymore.....

 

OP, breathe. Be still. Be still. Do nothing. Practice this over and over again, especially when you feel that wave of emotions come across and hit you.

 

You're fighting the withdrawal -- that means you'll start figuring out ways to reach out one more time, maybe you have to apologize, maybe you have to tell him that the door is actually still open, maybe you need to portray yourself in a better light, etc.

 

STOP. He knows how you feel. He knows you were emotional. He knows you were reacting in anger. He's not an idiot. And you don't need to rectify what you feel because break-ups are ugly, they're painful, they're confusing -- you can't perfect a break-up and tie it up in a pretty bow. He knows this. You know this. Leave it be.

 

Be still. Feel your pain. Hold on and let the emotions pass, because they will. I promise you in time, and yes after much time, what was said during the break-up, post break-up won't matter.

 

If this is your way to validate yourself in his eyes, stop -- you need to start validating YOU in your eyes. And that means accepting that he let you go, holding on to your dignity and staying the course.

[Me. Myself and I]

OP, breathe. Be still. Be still. Do nothing. Practice this over and over again, especially when you feel that wave of emotions come across and hit you.

 

You're fighting the withdrawal -- that means you'll start figuring out ways to reach out one more time, maybe you have to apologize, maybe you have to tell him that the door is actually still open, maybe you need to portray yourself in a better light, etc.

 

STOP. He knows how you feel. He knows you were emotional. He knows you were reacting in anger. He's not an idiot. And you don't need to rectify what you feel because break-ups are ugly, they're painful, they're confusing -- you can't perfect a break-up and tie it up in a pretty bow. He knows this. You know this. Leave it be.

 

Be still. Feel your pain. Hold on and let the emotions pass, because they will. I promise you in time, and yes after much time, what was said during the break-up, post break-up won't matter.

 

If this is your way to validate yourself in his eyes, stop -- you need to start validating YOU in your eyes. And that means accepting that he let you go, holding on to your dignity and staying the course.

 

Thank you so much. I'm crying like a moron right now! I just want all the pain to go away. I'm not going to send anything. I'm glad I posted it here before because, a few minutes after I thought "oh god why did you do that" and that would have been the exact feeling, along with the pit in the stomach feeling I would have got sending it to him!! I need to get a grip... I just can't seem to do it. I just don't know how to let go??? It's driving me mad.

[Zahara]

Thank you so much. I'm crying like a moron right now! I just want all the pain to go away. I'm not going to send anything. I'm glad I posted it here before because, a few minutes after I thought "oh god why did you do that" and that would have been the exact feeling, along with the pit in the stomach feeling I would have got sending it to him!! I need to get a grip... I just can't seem to do it. I just don't know how to let go??? It's driving me mad.

 

There's nothing wrong with crying. It's therapeutic and it's healthy. We all want that pain to go away. I'm struggling as well, trying to find answers, trying to stay the course and like you, it is difficult. I'm here with you.

 

Letting go is a process. It's part and parcel of the stages of grieving and healing. You can't just say you want to let go, and let go. It's a slow journey and while it pains you, it's the only way to get to the other side.

 

It's hard for you to get a grip because you still have hope. And hope dies a very slow death. But it dies eventually. Don't rush the process. No one wants to feel pain but unfortunately, it is what is needed to rebuild and grow.

 

Come here and post whenever you feel weak. Once and for all, bite the bullet, take that leap, no looking back.

[Me. Myself and I]

There's nothing wrong with crying. It's therapeutic and it's healthy. We all want that pain to go away. I'm struggling as well, trying to find answers, trying to stay the course and like you, it is difficult. I'm here with you.

 

Letting go is a process. It's part and parcel of the stages of grieving and healing. You can't just say you want to let go, and let go. It's a slow journey and while it pains you, it's the only way to get to the other side.

 

It's hard for you to get a grip because you still have hope. And hope dies a very slow death. But it dies eventually. Don't rush the process. No one wants to feel pain but unfortunately, it is what is needed to rebuild and grow.

 

Come here and post whenever you feel weak. Once and for all, bite the bullet, take that leap, no looking back.

 

Thank you. I'm sorry you're running the course too. It truly is horrible.

It's going to take time, my head understands that. However, my heart is saying "what the hell are you doing fight!"

I couldn't be more sincere when I say I'm glad I found this forum and all the people who have given me the reality check each time I'm loosing it!

[loveandwar]

I am just passing 60 days No contact. It is not easy. The first 30 days really take some work, having rough days you cannot reach out. Honestly though it does make a difference. When i tried LC i was always watching my phone or laptop, but now i really don't do that. I still miss my ex, i still have feelings for her, but i guess no contact has taken me back from it all and given me a clearer view of everything. The longer you hold out the clearer your perspective becomes on everything. If that person was the one and only you will still know that after a period of no contact, but if they were not no contact can clearly show you why, without all the emotion and break up drama, you see things for what they are.

 

The first time i tried no contact my ex came back, it took around 2 weeks. Unfortunately neither of us had changed one bit and we ended up having the same arguments over the same issues. I didn't read your original post but it does depend on whether you are living/working/college with the person or will not see them/bump into them at all. the longer you pleaded and begged the longer you may have to hold no contact to see a response from your ex. To see them contact you/ want you. And there is certainly no guarantee. At the same time the longer you hold no contact the easier it becomes to understand why it may not be worth your time and energy to continue on this path you have found yourself on.

[Me. Myself and I]

I am just passing 60 days No contact. It is not easy. The first 30 days really take some work, having rough days you cannot reach out. Honestly though it does make a difference. When i tried LC i was always watching my phone or laptop, but now i really don't do that. I still miss my ex, i still have feelings for her, but i guess no contact has taken me back from it all and given me a clearer view of everything. The longer you hold out the clearer your perspective becomes on everything. If that person was the one and only you will still know that after a period of no contact, but if they were not no contact can clearly show you why, without all the emotion and break up drama, you see things for what they are.

 

The first time i tried no contact my ex came back, it took around 2 weeks. Unfortunately neither of us had changed one bit and we ended up having the same arguments over the same issues. I didn't read your original post but it does depend on whether you are living/working/college with the person or will not see them/bump into them at all. the longer you pleaded and begged the longer you may have to hold no contact to see a response from your ex. To see them contact you/ want you. And there is certainly no guarantee. At the same time the longer you hold no contact the easier it becomes to understand why it may not be worth your time and energy to continue on this path you have found yourself on.

 

Thank you so much for sharing that with me. Well done you for holding out with NC! You should be so proud of yourself.

I do belie it will get easier after time. I just need to get my head and my heart on the same page. Hearing how strong people can be after going NC is a nudge for me to do the same. Things still seem so raw for me at the moment. LC was exactly the same for me. I was constantly checking my phone. Every time it went off I'd get that pit feeling in my stomach.

It's been an awful few months, but I'm going to hold out!

[Zahara]

However, my heart is saying "what the hell are you doing fight!"

 

Fight when the other person wants to fight for you as well. You can't fight when the other person is choosing to walk away. You're mistaking fight for your fear of letting go.

[KaliLove]

Fight when the other person wants to fight for you as well. You can't fight when the other person is choosing to walk away. You're mistaking fight for your fear of letting go.

 

Excellent post Zahara. Completely spot on. EVERYONE needs to read this.

[Me. Myself and I]

Fight when the other person wants to fight for you as well. You can't fight when the other person is choosing to walk away. You're mistaking fight for your fear of letting go.

 

This is true. I think you're right. I don't know why I'm so fearful of it.

Maybe because I'm worried about completely loosing the person I felt a deep connection with, maybe it's because I'm worried I won't feel that again.

[Zahara]

This is true. I think you're right. I don't know why I'm so fearful of it.

Maybe because I'm worried about completely loosing the person I felt a deep connection with, maybe it's because I'm worried I won't feel that again.

 

It's natural to feel that way. You have an attachment to him and grasping that you'll never have it again is scary but normal. It happens to everyone that has to let go of a relationship or someone they love. It's hard to let go of familiarity.

 

But it's unrealistic to limit yourself by thoughts that you'll never attach to anyone again. That's just fear running amok in your head. Truthfully, it's silly to predict so negatively when a year from now, you'll be in such a different place. It's always best when grieving, to focus on NOW. What you feel now, how you feel now and how to overcome now. One thing at a time. One day at a time. Your goal now is to heal. That's it.

 

Once you're past this, that bleak outlook is going to change into a more optimistic view on what life has to offer, in all aspects. You may even decide you're much happier being on your own!

[Me. Myself and I]

It's natural to feel that way. You have an attachment to him and grasping that you'll never have it again is scary but normal. It happens to everyone that has to let go of a relationship or someone they love. It's hard to let go of familiarity.

 

But it's unrealistic to limit yourself by thoughts that you'll never attach to anyone again. That's just fear running amok in your head. Truthfully, it's silly to predict so negatively when a year from now, you'll be in such a different place. It's always best when grieving, to focus on NOW. What you feel now, how you feel now and how to overcome now. One thing at a time. One day at a time. Your goal now is to heal. That's it.

 

Once you're past this, that bleak outlook is going to change into a more optimistic view on what life has to offer, in all aspects. You may even decide you're much happier being on your own!

 

Thanks Zahara

 

You make so much sense. I know it's going to take time. Currently my emotions are all over the place and change from one hour to the next. Once I'm able to get a grip on these, it should help.

I had a text from his mother last night. Asking how I was. I was polite but explained that it's best we are not in contact. She hasn't helped the previous situation by saying "he's still in love with you and he's not over you" one thing I've learned from this is: take notice of only those words from the horses mouth!

 

Today is a little better. I'm just taking each hour as it comes. Yes I'm thinking about him but I don't feel the need to contact him. It was his decision to walk away and his decision to say it's done. Nothing I say is going to change that. Previously he has said "he doesn't think about things to do with the relationship" I don't know if that's because he's decided that's it, and he's finding it easier than I am to cut things off. Or if it's hard for him to think about too.

I often wonder if he thinks about me. Or wonders what I'm doing. Time will change this I know. I've made all the mistakes in the book which pushed him further away. Again something I've learned from.

[Zahara]

Yes, your emotions are going to be all over the place. One minute you're strong and wanting to move forward and the next you're a puddle on the floor. All normal.

 

It was good that you created a boundary to help you through your journey. I am sure it was hard to tell his mother that you needed no contact but it's a positive sign that you were able to prioritize your healing. Yes, don't listen to what his mother is saying. She could be saying that because she feels it can help you cope with your pain. Always from the horse's mouth and always focus on action rather than words. What are his actions showing and telling you?

 

It doesn't matter what he thinks or feels. Bottom line, whatever he feels and thinks isn't strong enough to sustain and retain you in his life.

 

You need to stop blaming yourself for pushing him away. If he wanted to be in the relationship, there would be no pushing away. He was going to step away whether you reacted or not.