Is it too late for NC?

[martaldn]

Fight when the other person wants to fight for you as well. You can't fight when the other person is choosing to walk away. You're mistaking fight for your fear of letting go.

 

 

i would quote it everyday!

[Zahara]

i would quote it everyday!

 

Screaming those words in my own head everyday!!

[Me. Myself and I]

Yes, your emotions are going to be all over the place. One minute you're strong and wanting to move forward and the next you're a puddle on the floor. All normal.

 

It was good that you created a boundary to help you through your journey. I am sure it was hard to tell his mother that you needed no contact but it's a positive sign that you were able to prioritize your healing. Yes, don't listen to what his mother is saying. She could be saying that because she feels it can help you cope with your pain. Always from the horse's mouth and always focus on action rather than words. What are his actions showing and telling you?

 

It doesn't matter what he thinks or feels. Bottom line, whatever he feels and thinks isn't strong enough to sustain and retain you in his life.

 

You need to stop blaming yourself for pushing him away. If he wanted to be in the relationship, there would be no pushing away. He was going to step away whether you reacted or not.

 

His actions are showing and telling me, he doesn't care. The way he was so cold when I went to see him all he did was stare out the window while telling me he didn't want me.

I tend to read too much into things and overanalyse the situations.

His actions while being in contact with me blinded me. I saw the fact that we were texting and getting on "ok" as a positive thing. We would banter through text and he would tell me about his family and his day voluntarily. He was quick to respond too.

I read in to this too much. He never initiated contact, but seemed happy to talk. When my emotions got involved that changed and he seemed less eager to talk and that's when he gave me the "I don't knows" I felt I had the right to know what he was trying to achieve. Maybe deep down I was wanting to protect my feelings because I didn't want to emotionally invest only to be strung along. His action with sending the drunk text as a follow up plays on my mind too (again overthinking) I just didn't see the point in him doing it. Maybe he felt guilty? Maybe he was shocked that I'd returned the last of his things? Maybe he wanted to test the water? I don't know. The text said I don't want a relationship with you but I also don't want to see you hurt, hmmm a bit too late for that. The rest of the text was just confirming what he's already told me. That he's done. Amongst other things. He also said I want to still see the dog but don't want you getting ideas of what might be. I don't understand why he felt the need to contact me at 3 am as far as I thought we left it after he told me I can go now.

So, you can see I really do overthink things!

[Me. Myself and I]

Bottom line, whatever he feels and thinks isn't strong enough to sustain and retain you in his life.

 

This is true. I will keep rereading this!

[Zahara]

I think that when you are hopeful and emotional, you'll analyze every little thing. You're looking for a sign, any sign that will help you get closer to what you desire.

 

This is the thing with most dumpers. They don't want to be with you. But yet they want to keep you because while they may not feel as strongly as you do, they still have some attachment to you and that provides a benefit to them. So, they may flip flop in their head -- I don't want to be with her, but she gives me attention, but what if she wants more, I need to let go, but she gives me attention, what if I can't find anything out there, she's someone I can talk too, but....So even if they're telling you they don't want you, they go through dumper's remorse.

 

When he sent you that drunk text, it was probably all those thoughts going through in his head. And when a dumpee finalizes the end, or when the dumper feels that the dumpee is letting go, the dumper will react because they are not in control of you anymore. Anything other than, "Babe, I'm so sorry. I love you and I want to be with you. I'll do whatever it takes to make this relationship work" should not be analysed. If what you need isn't what you are getting, it's useless to ponder or think about it.

[Me. Myself and I]

I think that when you are hopeful and emotional, you'll analyze every little thing. You're looking for a sign, any sign that will help you get closer to what you desire.

 

This is the thing with most dumpers. They don't want to be with you. But yet they want to keep you because while they may not feel as strongly as you do, they still have some attachment to you and that provides a benefit to them. So, they may flip flop in their head -- I don't want to be with her, but she gives me attention, but what if she wants more, I need to let go, but she gives me attention, what if I can't find anything out there, she's someone I can talk too, but....So even if they're telling you they don't want you, they go through dumper's remorse.

 

When he sent you that drunk text, it was probably all those thoughts going through in his head. And when a dumpee finalizes the end, or when the dumper feels that the dumpee is letting go, the dumper will react because they are not in control of you anymore. Anything other than, "Babe, I'm so sorry. I love you and I want to be with you. I'll do whatever it takes to make this relationship work" should not be analysed. If what you need isn't what you are getting, it's useless to ponder or think about it.

 

Wow! You are so good at this stuff.... Your advice is amazing. It makes absolute sense. I'm so glad you reached out to me about this. Reading what you're saying is making me see things from a different angle.

[Zahara]

Wow! You are so good at this stuff.... Your advice is amazing. It makes absolute sense. I'm so glad you reached out to me about this. Reading what you're saying is making me see things from a different angle.

 

I very much older than you, OP. I wish I had someone to tell me these things in my younger years. It could have saved me a lot of pain and mistakes. But with pain comes experience and wisdom.

 

You're young. You have years ahead of you. You have to condition yourself to expect and demand more for yourself. Set the bar high.

[Me. Myself and I]

I very much older than you, OP. I wish I had someone to tell me these things in my younger years. It could have saved me a lot of pain and mistakes. But with pain comes experience and wisdom.

 

You're young. You have years ahead of you. You have to condition yourself to expect and demand more for yourself. Set the bar high.

 

Thank you so much

[BC1980]

OP, I'm sorry. My situation was similar with an ex would kept in contact and would even say he was unsure. It's all BS. It took me about 4 months to let go of hope, and it was a fight many days. It's a lot of back and forth, wanting to break contact, wanting to hope, seeing reality. If you can be strong and work on yourself, you can break through at some point. Some days, I would just wish to be happy in any capacity again. I would wish that I could find any joy in life. You need those lows to get to the highs again.

[ariesgirl-328]

Hey! A few others have said this already to you, but I honestly think my words might help you as well considering reading your post was like reading my story all over again.

 

Basically I begged like a maniac...its been 10 months since the breakup for me now. Until about month 7, I was in your shoes, telling myself I had to keep fighting, trying to validate myself infront of him, apologizing again and again about different things to him to prove to him that I could change or that I was sorry for the begging I had done earlier, blahblahblah. THIS JUST KEPT GOING ON IN A CIRCLE. People on this website would keep telling me please dont message him, but at times, I just couldnt control it and had to...But I was calming down with it through the months..

 

I knew he didn't care but i always kept wanting to message him just one more time..just once..and I would end up sending an emotional message and then after Id get an indifferent message back from him, no message at all, or just a "idc" or "k", and it would hurt sooooo badly and I would stare at my phone waiting for his response.....it just sucked so bad.

 

Eventually, I learned what NC was, and started trying it out. I counted my days of NC, each was sooooooo harddddd...and I cried so much, but after about 2-3 months, it just kind of stopped hurting and I didn't feel like I HAD to message him anymore.

 

During all this time in NC, I kept myself busy in every way. Around Feb this year, I just realized through the days that I barely thought about him anymore and I started dating someone new and life started becoming bright again. I had realized I would never hear from him again so there was no point in thinking or crying over him anymore.

 

so...OFCOURSE he showed up months and months later after I started NC and stopped begging him in late feb this year, he called me one night at 1am...and I didn't know who it was so i picked up. We caught up for 10 mins and hung up. After this, I didn't think about it much because I thought that was it, I would never hear from him again. A few days later, he called again but I didn't pick up.

 

My birthday is in 2 days, and I have a feeling that he will call. This time I will pick up and I will honestly tell him that I will never contact him again and he should never call or contact me ever again either.

 

The basic point of me telling you everything that happened with me is because you are going through the exact same **** I went through. And now that I have it all behind me, I can see my mistakes and tell you that YOU NEED TO GO NC NOW. and I promise, you will move on. I can't even believe after NC for just a few months, I have the strength to know that I never want to hear from the man I once hoped to marry ever again unless he really, really wants us to be back together and work through things.

 

I promise if you pursue NC, you will get there! And your mind will be completely clear as to what you need to do if he ever comes back someday because you will be healed. THIS WILL PASS! it will just take time

[Me. Myself and I]

OP, I'm sorry. My situation was similar with an ex would kept in contact and would even say he was unsure. It's all BS. It took me about 4 months to let go of hope, and it was a fight many days. It's a lot of back and forth, wanting to break contact, wanting to hope, seeing reality. If you can be strong and work on yourself, you can break through at some point. Some days, I would just wish to be happy in any capacity again. I would wish that I could find any joy in life. You need those lows to get to the highs again.

 

Thank you for sharing this. Today is a down day. So I'm trying to keep busy. It's so hard sometimes.

[Me. Myself and I]

Hey! A few others have said this already to you, but I honestly think my words might help you as well considering reading your post was like reading my story all over again.

 

Basically I begged like a maniac...its been 10 months since the breakup for me now. Until about month 7, I was in your shoes, telling myself I had to keep fighting, trying to validate myself infront of him, apologizing again and again about different things to him to prove to him that I could change or that I was sorry for the begging I had done earlier, blahblahblah. THIS JUST KEPT GOING ON IN A CIRCLE. People on this website would keep telling me please dont message him, but at times, I just couldnt control it and had to...But I was calming down with it through the months..

 

I knew he didn't care but i always kept wanting to message him just one more time..just once..and I would end up sending an emotional message and then after Id get an indifferent message back from him, no message at all, or just a "idc" or "k", and it would hurt sooooo badly and I would stare at my phone waiting for his response.....it just sucked so bad.

 

Eventually, I learned what NC was, and started trying it out. I counted my days of NC, each was sooooooo harddddd...and I cried so much, but after about 2-3 months, it just kind of stopped hurting and I didn't feel like I HAD to message him anymore.

 

During all this time in NC, I kept myself busy in every way. Around Feb this year, I just realized through the days that I barely thought about him anymore and I started dating someone new and life started becoming bright again. I had realized I would never hear from him again so there was no point in thinking or crying over him anymore.

 

so...OFCOURSE he showed up months and months later after I started NC and stopped begging him in late feb this year, he called me one night at 1am...and I didn't know who it was so i picked up. We caught up for 10 mins and hung up. After this, I didn't think about it much because I thought that was it, I would never hear from him again. A few days later, he called again but I didn't pick up.

 

My birthday is in 2 days, and I have a feeling that he will call. This time I will pick up and I will honestly tell him that I will never contact him again and he should never call or contact me ever again either.

 

The basic point of me telling you everything that happened with me is because you are going through the exact same **** I went through. And now that I have it all behind me, I can see my mistakes and tell you that YOU NEED TO GO NC NOW. and I promise, you will move on. I can't even believe after NC for just a few months, I have the strength to know that I never want to hear from the man I once hoped to marry ever again unless he really, really wants us to be back together and work through things.

 

I promise if you pursue NC, you will get there! And your mind will be completely clear as to what you need to do if he ever comes back someday because you will be healed. THIS WILL PASS! it will just take time

 

Thank you so much for this, I needed to hear it after the day I've had.

I had a dream about my ex coming back, only to wake up and realise I'm alone still. Today has been tough already. I found myself wanting to reach out. I even wrote this letter:

 

How did we get to this? I'm sat here thinking of you for the first time since we spoke last! I'm torn that we will never be again but I've accepted it. You lost the emotional connection you once had with me, we can both be blamed for that. I can see that you felt you were loosing your sense of freedom because of my neediness. It was unhealthy, a lot was, emotions were all over the place because of where things were heading. I thought I couldn't be without you. I realise now, I didn't need to depend on you. I have my own life too. Something I didn't embrace. I just wasn't in the right place in my head. I wanted you as part of my life. But it clearly came across as insecurity. Understandable, given how things panned out. It hurts knowing you don't feel strongly enough to keep me in your life. I lost who I was. It frustrated me that you didn't want to see things would be different, that I'd moved out of that needy/clingy stage and that i have my independence back and my social life. I tried so much because I wanted to show you that I was the person you first met. Confident, sassy and in control. I guess I wanted us both to see we could start fresh and from the beginning again to develop that "something special" we once had. While I know we will both still feel some attachment. It only works if both persons want to try again, which unfortunately isn't the case. We all make mistakes, it takes time to heal and realise this. Anyway, It's something I've learned from for future relationships. I am angry that you thought "friendship" would make things easier for me. It was very unfair of you, knowing how I felt. All this has been on my mind today and rightly or wrongly I wanted to share it with you.

 

I haven't sent it. I wanted too so badly. I thought "what if him reading this will tug on whatever he had left. He told me the last time we spoke that he doesn't want to see me upset and there's a difference with me being upset because he's done with us and him being around. He said he just wants to do the right thing. With the last message I sent him, I snapped. I'd had enough. I felt it closed the door, even though he knows how I feel. I'm struggling today. I'm feeling tearful and weak.

[martaldn]

Please dont send that letter... Please read all the post people wrote in here for you and keep reading them until you have the strength to delete that letter.

[jphcbpa]

Fight when the other person wants to fight for you as well. You can't fight when the other person is choosing to walk away. You're mistaking fight for your fear of letting go.

 

read this somewhere and it helped me...

 

fighting the wrong battle….Because it takes two to want to make a relationship work and this woman not only ended the relationship but she also has made zero attempts to contact you. Fighting for someone YOU want is actually a rather selfish battle because you are fighting for what YOU want and not taking into account what THEY want. If she doesn't want to get back together with you then the battle you are fighting will be AGAINST her. You aren't fighting together to save your relationship.

 

You are suffering from a broken heart. All the emotions you are feeling are perfectly normal. You can actually get through this. At the moment, though, you are intent on fighting the wrong battle.

[Zahara]

OP, please don't send that letter.

 

Try putting yourself in a position of indifference. Pretend you aren't emotional about someone and have chosen to walk away because you don't feel the same way about them anymore. Now pretend receiving a letter like this from that person you are somewhat indifferent about. Do you think it's going to pull at your heart or do you think you're going to cringe even more because now you're feeling uncomfortable about having to respond or deal with that person's emotions?

 

You're projecting how you feel on him. Nothing you say is going to simulate what you feel onto him. He's going to look at that letter and wonder why you can't move on and possibly back away even more because you're still clinging.

 

The days are going to be hard. They're going to be painful. There is no way around that. But trying to clutch at every straw is only delaying and prolonging your pain. Grief is a difficult and very challenging emotion to conquer. The only way to deal with it is to feel it and accept it. You must try.

 

You have to start now.

[Me. Myself and I]

Please dont send that letter... Please read all the post people wrote in here for you and keep reading them until you have the strength to delete that letter.

 

I'm not going to, it's hard not to when feeling like this. I'm not purposely ignoring the advice I've received. It's just that when I'm in these emotional waves ALL of my strength goes out the window. Everything points to contact him. Music in the radio, a dream, a tv programme.... A person walking down the street with the same top. Life is really testing me today! It's silly but my brain is finding connections from nowhere. I tell myself I don't need him time and time again. I tell myself, he doesn't care time and time again. BREATHE..MMI you can get through this today :/

[Me. Myself and I]

OP, please don't send that letter.

 

Try putting yourself in a position of indifference. Pretend you aren't emotional about someone and have chosen to walk away because you don't feel the same way about them anymore. Now pretend receiving a letter like this from that person you are somewhat indifferent about. Do you think it's going to pull at your heart or do you think you're going to cringe even more because now you're feeling uncomfortable about having to respond or deal with that person's emotions?

 

You're projecting how you feel on him. Nothing you say is going to simulate what you feel onto him. He's going to look at that letter and wonder why you can't move on and possibly back away even more because you're still clinging.

 

The days are going to be hard. They're going to be painful. There is no way around that. But trying to clutch at every straw is only delaying and prolonging your pain. Grief is a difficult and very challenging emotion to conquer. The only way to deal with it is to feel it and accept it. You must try.

 

You have to start now.

 

Thank you Zahara

 

Your words seem to always have a calming and reality check effect on me. You are so right. As much as I wanted to send the letter, I didn't. I knew it was wrong to do. I didn't even think of how I would feel if I'd received that letter and the shoe was indeed on the other foot. Yesterday I felt strong for the first time in a while... Today it's all gone out the window. I feel weak. Like you have told me before, I will have these days. It's just working out how to get through them.

[Zahara]

Thank you Zahara

 

Your words seem to always have a calming and reality check effect on me. You are so right. As much as I wanted to send the letter, I didn't. I knew it was wrong to do. I didn't even think of how I would feel if I'd received that letter and the shoe was indeed on the other foot. Yesterday I felt strong for the first time in a while... Today it's all gone out the window. I feel weak. Like you have told me before, I will have these days. It's just working out how to get through them.

 

I'm glad to help, Me. I want to see you get through this. There are many threads on LS and while I may post away, there are a few that I hold close to me, and your thread strikes a chord.

 

You will feel weak. It's normal to feel hopelessness and defeat. Everything you feel is part of the grieving process. Grieving for a relationship is said to be equivalent to grieving for the loss of a loved one by death.

 

When you feel this way, you must move. When I say move, I mean you must activate yourself. Grab your coat and take a walk. Go for a bike ride. Go to the gym. Get down and dirty with some really big chores around the house. Go to the library and get a motivational and inspirational book and spend a few hours reading. Think about volunteering and I promise you it will put your life in perspective. You must do, do, do.

 

You must distract and get yourself out of the hole when you feel yourself falling in it. You must not stay there because if you do, you only keep compacting bad emotion after bad emotion, one on top of the other, making you feel worse and making you feel engulfed by your sadness and pain. To counter that you must compact with positive and good things so that there is no room to focus on the negative. I know it's hard because all you want to do is lay on the couch and sob, and your energy level is probably at a low as well. But once you start, you'll keep going. Stay busy, be around people, engage yourself in activity and one thing that could benefit you is maybe seeing a counselor.

Edited March 26, 2014 by Zahara

[Me. Myself and I]

I'm glad to help, Me. I want to see you get through this. There are many threads on LS and while I may post away, there are a few that I hold close to me, and your thread strikes a chord.

 

You will feel weak. It's normal to feel hopelessness and defeat. Everything you feel is part of the grieving process. Grieving for a relationship is said to be equivalent to grieving for the loss of a loved one by death.

 

When you feel this way, you must move. When I say move, I mean you must activate yourself. Grab your coat and take a walk. Go for a bike ride. Go to the gym. Get down and dirty with some really big chores around the house. Go to the library and get a motivational and inspirational book and spend a few hours reading. Think about volunteering and I promise you it will put your life in perspective. You must do, do, do.

 

You must distract and get yourself out of the hole when you feel yourself falling in it. You must not stay there because if you do, you only keep compacting bad emotion after bad emotion, one on top of the other, making you feel worse and making you feel engulfed by your sadness and pain. To counter that you must compact with positive and good things so that there is no room to focus on the negative. I know it's hard because all you want to do is lay on the couch and sob, and your energy level is probably at a low as well. But once you start, you'll keep going. Stay busy, be around people, engage yourself in activity and one thing that could benefit you is maybe seeing a counselor.

 

I really am grateful you are offering me advice, I truly mean that. I'll get used to doing things when I feel myself slipping. Because it's still so raw, it's hard to drag myself out of it. I need to retrain my thought processes. I had such a deep connection to this person. When we first parted he text me to say I'll always mean something to him, I'll always have a place in his heart and that I couldn't be replaced easily. I take that as a compliment. I just don't see how it got to this now. I know my sate of mind and pleading didn't help. I find it hard to see that I meant so much to him at one point and now I mean nothing. I can't help but think if I'd done things differently at the start of the break up that things would be different. A friend told me to get a diary and each time I felt the need to contact him or spill out my emotions to write it there. She did this her self and when she was finally over her ex, she destroyed the diary and that was it for her. People have different ways of coping I guess. It's so hard. I know I will get through it eventually. People sharing their experiences with me have showed me I happens.

I get angry, at myself and at him.

[Me. Myself and I]

I've also sorted some therapy, it starts next week.

[Zahara]

I've also sorted some therapy, it starts next week.

 

That's great, Me. I think it will help you purge and regroup. And I think when you're muddled this way, a therapist can help you channel, sort and explain. She may be able to come up with ways for you to help cope through this, or at least ways that best work for you.

 

I know it is raw. I know it's hard to find that push. You're allowed to grieve and just be if you can't find the energy to get up. Just don't stay there too long. You don't want to let it overcome and control you.

 

A relationship is never a guarantee. Feelings aren't absolutes. They change. They can transform. They don't always stay the same. When you say how can he love me one day and not the next -- well, it's happened to each and everyone of us. Divorce, separations -- years of commitment only for one to walk away. Feelings and relationships are never guarantees that it'll be forever.

 

You need to stop beating yourself up. Whatever happened, happened. There is no way to reverse that but the only thing you can control is the now. Regretting the past doesn't do anything for you but keep you stuck and in victim mode. You cannot keep devaluing yourself because it's never going to help you move forward from this.

 

He's not the one and only man that is ever going to step into your life. This relationship and it's demise may be the wake up call you need to get your life in order. And all the wishing of what you could have done and shouldn't have done is all hindsight. If you both were still together, I bet you would still be knee deep in your issues. The only way you are forced to deal with your issues is when you come face to face with them and I don't think you would have if you were still in this relationship.

[Me. Myself and I]

I bet you would still be knee deep in your issues. The only way you are forced to deal with your issues is when you come face to face with them and I don't think you would have if you were still in this relationship.

 

I think you're right^^

 

I'm delusional to think he will be changing his mind or coming back. I don't understand why I blame myself for it.

 

I really did try everything to make things work. But as many have said it only works if both want it to work. Looking back now it's easier to see where things were going wrong. Foolishly I ignored it and stepped everything up in a panic thinking I could change things or bring back that "spark" after all this was the person I'd be with for the rest of my life, right? I could feel it all slipping away, I couldn't deal with it in a healthy way. My parents have been together since school. They are still together to this day. But it's true, people go through break ups, separation and divorce all the time. I'm not a bad person, I wanted that happiness, I thought I'd found it. I always put other before myself, I overcompensate for things. It's not my first break up. But it's the first relationship where I felt I mattered to someone and I felt I was progressing in life. I found happiness and thought this is it! So did he. When we first met we both wanted the same things after both suffering a failed relationship. It's what hurts the most because I invested so much in this guy. I'd done more in the last 3 years than I ever did. This is a huge wake up call, it doesn't make it any easier because I'm still in love with this person. We really did bring out the best in each other. I'm so stuck in the past and need to get into my head that I need to deal with "now".

My heart is still holding on to what we had. I don't know why today has been particularly worse.

[Zahara]

The stages of grief, if you pull it up on the internet will explain the emotions that you will be feeling as you move along. It's normal that one day you will feel absolutely miserable and the next you'll feel like you're moving on. Another thing is that what you feel right now is the stage or denial and bargaining. Look it up and maybe you'll have a better understanding of what's going through your heart and mind.

[Me. Myself and I]

The stages of grief, if you pull it up on the internet will explain the emotions that you will be feeling as you move along. It's normal that one day you will feel absolutely miserable and the next you'll feel like you're moving on. Another thing is that what you feel right now is the stage or denial and bargaining. Look it up and maybe you'll have a better understanding of what's going through your heart and mind.

 

I've just had a look at this. It feels like a relief to know I'm somewhat normal!

It clearly defining what I'm going through. At one point I started to think "I wonder if he's going through it and where he is" silly me.

I'm shifting back and forth through most of the stages accept the one I really need to get to. Typical lol.

At least I can understand my behaviour now and realise it's not my fault, but part of the process.

[Zahara]

I've just had a look at this. It feels like a relief to know I'm somewhat normal!

It clearly defining what I'm going through. At one point I started to think "I wonder if he's going through it and where he is" silly me.

I'm shifting back and forth through most of the stages accept the one I really need to get to. Typical lol.

At least I can understand my behaviour now and realise it's not my fault, but part of the process.

 

Yes, you'll shift back and forth. I remember when I was grieving/healing, 6 months into NC I hit depression eventhough I felt I was well into acceptance. Stages may not happen in actual sequence but most times you'll randomly go back and forth through stages.

 

I'm glad it helped you get a better understanding of how and why you feel the way you feel.