is it natural for a man to ignore his wife for computer porn?

[ladyblu]

I have been with my husband for 2 years now. I have caught him looking at porn and I admit it's something that has bothered me. (I am alittle over weight, especially after the baby and become very insecure about my body when I see him looking at very dantie young women getting banged)But I try not to think about it.

 

We do have sex 2 sometimes 3 times a week. But he has gotten to where after being gone for the whole day working and going to school, instead of coming to bed and being with me (who has been at home all day alone with a 7 month old baby)he goes to the computer.

 

Like last night he came home around 9:30pm. and goes to the computer room and after about an 1 and 1/2 I go out to see if he planned on coming to bed anytime soon, he minimizes what hes looking at really fast and I know right then that its porn. And I got upset that instead of being with me he was on the computer looking at porn. He just blew me off. I went back to the bed room and turned the lites out and layed down with the baby.

 

This morning I confronted him again, told him that it hurt my feelings that he would rather look at porn then to spend time with me. (this is not the first times he sat up til 2-3 in the am) he says that there is not a reason for me to be upset. that it natual for a man to setup late looking at porn instead of being in bed with his wife.

 

My ? to this forum is: is that true am i really over reacting?

[aFighter]

Can't really say how he's feeling since the baby came or what but I have read that Internet Porn Addiction is very real.

 

 

If his viewing is impacting on your time together etc. then he's got issues. Maybe you should talk to a counselor or something about how to approach the situation tactfully.

 

 

Moderator's note: sometimes sites which may not seem to be commercial will have in their Terms and Agreements a statement pertaining to the rights to reproduce or link to outside sources. We must abide by their terms.

[Pocky]

If you didn't know he was looking at porn would you be unsatisfied with your sex life?

 

If you didn't know he was looking at porn, would you be angry at him for staying up late?

 

If you take away the porn, are you bothered by his actions?

 

Point is, if his behavior doesn't bother you until you insert porn into the equation then maybe you're only reacting to the concept of porn and not to his behavior.

[ladyblu]

not having his attention bothers me but to find that instead of spending time with me he preferred to be looking at hoochie mamas on the internet makes it that much worst. it would be differant if he were sitting up because of school work.

[alphamale]

well, since the baby came he prob looks at u more as a motherly non-sexual figure. this is a big problem with many men after the first kids arrives. He may feel wierd seeing you as a sexual being for a while but I think he'll grow out of it eventually.

 

Also, you should do your best to become physically attractive to him and then once you do cut all the cords and cables that are attached to his computer and reformat his hard drive. This should solve yer problems.

[Pocky]

Originally posted by ladyblu

not having his attention bothers me but to find that instead of spending time with me he preferred to be looking at hoochie mamas on the internet makes it that much worst. it would be differant if he were sitting up because of school work.

 

I can understand not having his attention, but everyone needs a little time alone. If he's not spending any time with you, then I'd say you're probably justified in your complaint and should discuss this with him. If he does spend time with you, is it too much to ask for him to be able to have some private time for a few hours a couple times a week?

 

Everyone masturbates. Everyone has fantasies. Whether they use a picture to imagine it or they create an image in their head, most people fantasize about someone other than their partner. There's nothing unnatural or unhealthy about it. Especially if you're having sex 2-3 times a week! And you have a baby - lucky girl.

[The_Analyzer]

ladyblu, you will get people on her that like porn and don't have a problem with it, so basically they will try to jusitfy what your husband is doing. You will also get people who don't care for it too. However, no matter what anyone elses says or thinks you need to do what you feel is best for your situation being that you're bothered by it. Thats the main key right there.

[Beth]

Originally posted by ladyblu

We do have sex 2 sometimes 3 times a week. But he has gotten to where after being gone for the whole day working and going to school, instead of coming to bed and being with me (who has been at home all day alone with a 7 month old baby)he goes to the computer.

 

It sounds like maybe he is just worn out from his day and not up to a sexual performance. Many people, men in general, need time to unwind and relax after a busy day. It doesn't sound, to me anyway, that you are truly lacking in sex if you have sex 2-3 times a week. His need for passive stimulation probably has little, if anything, to do with you. Men and women approach unwinding in different ways. Women, in general, tend to seek out others more often; and men, again in general, tend to need alone time more often. It's not a slight against the other person and that may not have entered his mind.

 

Like last night he came home around 9:30pm. and goes to the computer room and after about an 1 and 1/2 I go out to see if he planned on coming to bed anytime soon, he minimizes what hes looking at really fast and I know right then that its porn. And I got upset that instead of being with me he was on the computer looking at porn. He just blew me off. I went back to the bed room and turned the lites out and layed down with the baby.

 

You had a busy day with a baby and needed the companionship and comfort from your husband. He had a busy day (assumption on my part here) and needed alone time to wind down. It's a common conflict in marriage and relationships.

 

This morning I confronted him again, told him that it hurt my feelings that he would rather look at porn then to spend time with me. (this is not the first times he sat up til 2-3 in the am) he says that there is not a reason for me to be upset. that it natual for a man to setup late looking at porn instead of being in bed with his wife.

 

Is it the pornography specifically, or the fact that he needs to be alone? Would you be as upset if he went into another room by himself for a few hours and played football on the computer? Early in my marriage I felt slighted and took it very personal that my husband would rather be by himself than with me. It wasn't until we watched a video of Men are From Mars that I finally 'got it' that it wasn't me he was abandoning, but that it was his need to unwind and refocus. Once my perception was corrected I was able to embrace his need and appreciate that when he came out of his 'cave' he could give me what I needed -- companionship and affection that was not overshadowed by his own stress. His perception changed when he realized that I truly was taking it personally and that I needed his companionship. We reached a compromise where he spent a little less time alone sometimes and didn't have to feel guilty or 'nagged' about it and that increased his enjoyment of being with me.

 

 

Pornography is a bone of contention in many marriages. There are people on both sides of the issue saying it's OK and normal, and those who say it is not. I can understand both sides, although I am anti-porn. You may need to talk with him about porn and how he uses it and views it to know if its a replacement for you, or just habit, or if its like sports to some men -- something pleasurable that they do not not connect to real life at all. Many people see pornography as something that enhances the relationship even though only one person 'uses' it.

 

I don't know that you need outside counseling right now, but perhaps it would help you both to see why the other is upset and be more understanding of each other. I must say the book Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus was an eye-opener for me and a tool that we used to open our communications. Sometimes hearing what we already know from an outside source will make a big difference in how we perceive and understand our own, and our partner's, actions and thought processes.

[tattoomytoe]

is it Natural??????

 

yes, internet porn is an instinctual yearning tha men cannot ever overcome..... poor men.

 

C'mon ladyblu, give Yourself some credit, not your husband!

[Mr Spock]

If it bothers you, tell him. Communication is good.

[savethedrama4allama]

I don't think its natural or healthy for a man to come home and sit in front of a computer instead of spending time with his wife (girlfriend?) and child. I don't care what he's looking at, or how hard of a day he had at work. She has been home with a 7 month old alone all day, and deserves interaction with her partner. The father also needs to spend time with his child.

 

It sounds like he works all day, goes to school all night, and comes home to sit in front of the computer leaving nothing left for you, ladyblu. I woudln't be okay with it either. That sounds like the main issue here, not the porn.

[Pocky]

Oh, come on girls You can't tell me that you've never masturbated and fantasized about someone other than the person you're in a relationship with. I can't be the only woman here that actually thinks it's natural to fantasize about other people...

[savethedrama4allama]

_______-

[ladyblu]

thanks so much for all of the good advise. Tonight my husband does not go to school and I'm going to sit him down and propose a comprimise: he can have his porn as long as it does not interfer with our relationship. ie.... sitting in front of the computer while I'm in bed waiting on him. If he chooses to get back up after I'm asleep then I can live with that. I'm really glad that I came across this website. This morning I was so upset. and now after reading everybodies reply I fell like it will all be ok if I just take the time to sit him down and communicate better how I feel and let him know that I can live with the rest.

[Jason 2003]

It it easier to masturbate tp porn than to go through the song and dance of seduction and foreplay, especially after a long hard day. I think the general rule of thumb for all women who's men watch porn is.... if the frequency of sex is satisfying to you, then there is no problem. The majority of men can both watch porn, masturbate and keep their wives or girlfriends happy. But if the sex dwindles down to once a month and even then he only seems to be doing it to keep you out of his hair about the porn, then you've got a problem. Unfortunately, the longer a couple is married where the guy is into porn and masturbation, the less sex and more porn the husband usually wants.

[Classy]

I Own Classybroads.com and have heard this story time and time again.

 

 

The best thing you can do is stop thinking so much. I don't mean that to be insulting. In this day and age a man has no privacy at all. He is watched 24 hours a day. If he goes into a room and shuts the door for an hour or two do him a favor... do not worry about what he is doing.

 

He will love you more if you just give him his time. I wish I had an hour a day to just relax with out somebody needing something, wanting something or sweeping into the room to see what I am doing.

 

The more time you give him, the less he will need. See how it works?

[realman]

While I *certainly* agree that men *need* and often do not get alone time...Classy, you are absolutely tainted. Your livelihood would be undeniably impeded by reduction in male "private time". Duh. You may be excused. You are in "da biz" of selling porn, not being a confused or pained wife. I am curious as to what expert opinion you are believe you are offering the masses here, that readers should feel suddenly enlightened and filled with glowing epiphany of a perspective not heretofore seen?

 

Porn is lovely and healthy for many people. A man who opts out of a meaningful and sexual relationship with a 3D, breathing partner is neither healthy nor lovely. And, flat freaking out, if his partner is caused mental anguish by porn, with or without a reduction in sexual attention, then it needs to be 86'ed from the relationship. It is the right of the parties in the relationship to veto certain practices without being told what is normal and what is not.

 

We work very hard to keep others out of our bedrooms. While it's usually fighting the oppression of sexual freedoms, there is little difference between the government threatening criminal sanctions for sodomy between consenting adults and some such other group (including the adult entertainment industry) forcing their impressions and images into another couple's sex life. I reserve the right to look at porn, so long as my spouse is not so much as distracted by it. My spouse reserves the right to be okay with my looking at porn, or to have her own negative opinions about it that override and compel me not to look at it. And vice versa.

[LucreziaBorgia]

It isn't 'normal', but its common. I think what sends a man to porn rather than being with his wife is unspoken and buried hostility, anger, resentment and frustration with her and the relationship (and perhaps himself in the context of that relationship). If he shuts down emotionally out of anger, then physically he can't respond to her. He can't cope with her for whatever reason so he turns to an outlet that he doesn't have to interact or get emotional with. Something that results in physical pleasure - both to look at and to result in maximum goal-driven orgasm with a minimum or no emotional flak.

 

Find the reasons for that hostility, anger and frustration - root it out, and you'll find less of a problem with it. Its like an illness. Treat the symptoms, and the illness will be chronic. Treat the illness, and the symptoms will take care of themselves.

[ssusannss]

Any one who is in the business of selling porn to men has a vested interest in them retaining there 'private free time' because that is what puts money in their pockets.

 

No, it's not natural for a man to masturbate to porn rather than make love to his wife. It's lazy. Takes a lot more effort to put someone else's pleasure first. They might say it's because of you, but it's not. It's always been their choice.

 

My man wants porn? Let me go then and find a real man. Go stroke yourself forever to images of women who would never look twice at you in real life. Play pretend for as long as you'd like, just don't expect me to wait there until you decide to wave your penis at me instead of the computer. Ooh, that's hot...

[FolderWife]

I think that if a man is going to indulge in something like porn, it should not take away from his wife and child. I can look over sports. I can look over friends. But porn!?

 

I'd be peeeeeeeeeed if I was stuck at home all day, and hubby came home at nine and bypassed me for the porn I'm remembering why I hate it

[Bubbles]

I can understand how you feel......and it's really aweful to be ignored for internet porn.

 

I was living with my ex for 6 years to the point of my little story.

 

I remember a time where my EX b/f came home - on my birthday - did not buy me a card, did not say happy birthday, did not have a gift for me........he came home said hello and hurriedly went to the computer so that he could join his YAHOO peepshow room. He completely forgot that it was my birthday.

 

I stood in the kitchen with tears streaming down my face preparing supper. He finally asked me what was wrong (after I walked briskly past him 4 or 5 times) I asked him "when did you plan on saying Happy Birthday to me? tomorrow???" He thought it was funny. You know he was pretty good though.....he held up his end of the arguement with me while searching for internet porn at the same time. He carried on, on the computer until he was good a ready to get off. Happy Birthday to me! I swear I will never forget that day!

 

Now THAT is an a**h***!!! How's that for a kick in the pants?

 

Don't let your situation get ANY worse than it already is. As you can probably tell? There is no cure, there is no easy fix to this situation, there is nothing that you can threaten to make this stop. All you can do is try to make yourself look more attractive/interesting to him. What I mean by that is this.........Find ways to make him want to come home to the two of you. There are many, many men who feel they have been left behind after a child is born. In a way - they feel the rejection from you long before they start rejecting you. It can be a vicious circle. I'm not trying to place the blame on you. I am just trying to give you some insight as to WHY he could be doing this. He may be very lonely for you.......you just never know.......men have a difficult admitting that they are hurt.......they would rather get angry and retaliate.

 

BAN INTERNET PORNOGRAPHY! I does not serve a purpose!

 

bubbles

[retta]

When I read your post it was dejavoo. Me and my partner are supposed to be married in July. I just had a baby also and my fiance looks at porn. I could understand when we were not having sex, right after the baby, but now our sex life is in full swing again and he still looks at it. He had been looking at it every evening and morning it seems, anytime he could squeeze it in when I wasn't around. It's hidden in our bedroom, a mag in our bathroom, and tons on the computer, not to mention the websites. I surely thought after he could have the real thing he would abandon it but like clockwork he went back. I felt hurt that he would get off on other women instead of me, I thought that mabey I needed to be more wild or dirty so I did but it didn't work. I was so furious that I bought a mag of naked men (which turned out to be for gay men anyway) and put it by his dirty mag in the bathroom hoping to make him feel hurt like he had hurt me but he didn't find it, and so I did the more adult thing and just confronted him about it. I told him how it hurt my feelings and how if he wanted sex to come to me, I'd even watch porn with him, I just didn't want him watching all these hoes all the time wacking off on his computer, making up some fantasy world in his head while deteriating our sex life. He felt really bad and told me he felt guilty and didn't know why he does it. We decided to work on things and that was that. The next night we had sex and I thought things were solved but again, the next morning he wakes up with our son, and then just leaves him in our bedroom while I'm sleeping to go play with himself, even though he now clears his history on his computer. I could tell he was at it again. As soon as I made a noise upstairs I hear his office chair move real quick. I asked him why he just left our son sitting around in our room when he was awake and he replied that he didn't think he was going to be downstairs for too long, that he ate some breakfast and fed the cats. But later in the day when our cats were starving he said he didn't feed them. I'm so tired of his crap and his cheesy porn. He's a great guy but we have only been together for a year and issues like this are already appearing. As long as this goes on I won't be happy. I can totally understand how you feel

[FolderWife]

Porn is a VERY frustrating thing this morning, hubby and I woke up together, and were lounging in the bed. He started groping me, but I had to get showered for work, because I was almost late. So I left him in the bed, and I KNEW that as soon as I left for work, he'd be masterbating to porn. When we didn't have porn in the house, we could both be horny with anticipation for when I arrive home from work, but not today...I'll go home, and if I want some, it'll be too bad too sad for me, because he'll have already have been taken care of

 

So now, I'm so angry at the unfairness of this, that I'm not even going to be in the mood when I get home, so I guess it all works out. If I'm unhappy and unhorny, then he gets to watch porn...and the more he watches porn, the more unhappy I am...and the more unhappy I am...the more he watches porn.

 

BUT IF HE'D STOP, I'D BE HAPPY AGAIN!!!

 

Oh, I got so angry yesterday. I was driving home, and thinking about how IN DENIAL he is!!!! I ask him not to watch porn, and he says that porn isn't a big deal, and that "He doesn't neeeeeeeeed it," so he'll give it up, but EVERY TWO OR THREE MONTHS he'd sneak, and lie, and hide it, and watch it, and I'd be devistated again and again and again...until after a year of this, I came to expect it, and then when he'd act weird, I'd snoop, and sure enough, I'd find that he'd bought porn right around the time he started acting weird!!!

 

He says, "He's sorry...he can't help it..." If he has so little control over this, THEN HE HAS A PROBLEM!!!! Yet I'm the one suffering, because he won't get help, because 'he's normal'

 

It makes me so angry. After the tenth time of him going so out of his way (and out of character) to get porn, HE SHOULD'VE REALIZED HE HAD A PROBLEM AND SOUGHT HELP!!! IF NOT FOR HIS SAKE, FOR MINE!!!!!

 

I mean, my husband is LAAAAAAAAAAAAZY when it comes to going out in public. He'll never rent a movie...he'll just call me and tell me to pick it up on the way home. He never checks the mail...he'll tell me to check it on the way home from work.

 

But for porn, he'll get in his car, and drive two miles to the video store, and buy porn, and rent a couple of movies to cover up that he'd been there, and then drive home and hide it. For porn, he'll go to the post office, open a new box, and then check it until his porn comes.

 

Around Christmastime, I asked him to pick up my Dad's Christmas present on his day off. I had to special order my dad's present, and it was HALF A MILE FROM WHERE WE LIVE! I work from 8:30-5:30, and the shop where I ordered my dad's present was open from 9:30-4:30. There was no way that I could pick up my dad's present...so since my hubby has a day off in the middle of the week, and since the shop is half a mile from our home, I called and asked him to pick it up for me.

 

He said no He won't drive half a mile for me, but he'll do all this for porn!!!! THAT HURTS!!! Of course, he told me that if he got off work in time later that week, he'd stop and get it for me...but of course he made sure he worked past 4:30 for the rest of the week. I ended up having the shop owner leave my dad's present on her porch, and I slid the check under her door

 

THAT'S WHY I HATE PORN!!! I'M TRYING TO GET OVER IT, BUT I HATE IT!!!!!

 

But in all rationality, I should hate my husband for being so selfish that he won't drive half a mile for me, but he'll drive two miles, open a po box, and order porn, and then drive back over there and get his porn so he can MASTERBATE!!!

 

It's hard to blame the man you love, though, when it's obvious that he's sick and can't help himself It hurts that he won't seek help for ME! Why doesn't he love me enough to get help? Why do I have to be the one who changes?

[ssusannss]

You deserve the right not to have porn in your home if you don't wish it. I was like you, thought that he was 'entitled' to look. Then one day, enough was enough. It WILL get worse.

 

It isn't like it was in the old days, where guys would sneak a peek at a mag occasionally, or watch a video. With the internet as it is, it's not unusual for a guy to sit in front of the pc for 3-4 hours at a time.

 

I don't want to be with someone part-time.

 

Sure, everyone needs alone time to de-stress. Does it have to be spent watching porn and playing with yourself? Whatever happened to hobbies, going for a walk, joining a bowling league?

 

Sheesh.

[ladyblu]

The more that I have look the more that I find that I'm not the only one to have a husband that looks at porn. And for as many as I have read about I'm sure that are at least that many more who are still "in the closet".

 

Is it hurting my marriage? That is the ? that I have been asking myself. What I have come up with is that if a man is in a truly happy marriage then he would not go seeking out porn in any fashion. Now of course that is just my opinion.

 

I do think that people need alone time but when I had this baby it was because HE and I decided to have him not just me. and let me tell you very seldom do I get alone time because I have the baby and a house to tend to. I would love to have more free time. but even when I do get to set at my computer my son is usally right there playing on the floor (more often the not he's trying to reach the keyboard But my point is I have made lots of Sacrifices since the birth of OUR son and I only expect the same from him. Anyways I could go on because like I said, a truly happy man doesn't need porn