is it natural for a man to ignore his wife for computer porn?

[retta]

I confronted my partner about his lying a second time to look at porn after he had told me he would try to stop, I was furious. Our whole ordeal lasted 3 days. I told him I felt betrayed, disrespected and hurt. Then he really spilled the beans about how he was addicted. It was worse than I thought. He has fetish urges, things I never thought existed, he said he was also interested in group sex. I told him thank God he didn't wait till after we married. I called the marriage off and was about to walk out the door. I needed to know if he was going to be happy with me, If he loved me the way I did him, and which he was going to choose (me or porn). I told him we both deserve to be happy in this short life and if I'm not doing it for him to let me go so I could find somebody who truely cared and loved me. Someone who I could make happy. He was unsure of how he felt about a life of wifeee and child in a monagamous relationship, if he even would like the fetishes he never tried, or if our sex life would ever be fullfilling for him. I told him I should probly leave and find my own place. It tore him up, making me unsure if he really wanted something else. I decided to stay and work things out. He said he loved me so much and he was so glad that I was willing to give him a second chance. I told him I try to be more open and willing to try new things even though I feel I could only go so far, probly not ever trying some of the things he is interested in. I hope this will be enough and our relationship can really blosom. I think giving him a harsh choice made him wake up and see things a little better and it also made me see things more clearly about myself. We all have our hangups, the longer we are with someone the more we seem to take that person for granted. You either grow together from it or you go your own path, regardless I thing you become a stronger individual from it. Inside I guess I'm really hoping we stay together because I do love him more than anything, but I'm also trying to prepare myself if things don't go that way.

[Ladyjane14]

This porn situation was a deal-breaker for you in regards to marriage, enough so that you initially broke off the engagement. Think about that for a minute. Your gut-reaction was to call off the marriage. That tells you how important this issue is for you.

 

Why back off of that position now? He has admitted an addiction, and shown you a side to his character that you were previously unaware of. Why marry a guy that you can't particularly trust to NOT be out involving himself in group sex and whatever other fetish he's admitted to?

 

If it was a knee-jerk deal-breaker before, why is it okay now? Has he agreed to treatment for the addiction? Has he proven beyond doubt....over a period of time, that he will be the respectful partner that you need?

 

Or, has he made you some tearful promises that he'll change? Were you perhaps left feeling like a frigid prude at the end of the ordeal? If it was a different addiction rather than porn, would you have handled it in the same fashion?

 

You two have a child together, and you love him. Those are good reasons for working it out. But you'll not be happy later in a situation in which you capitulate to keep the peace now. HIS problem will always be YOUR problem. And worse, you'll have signed on with your eyes wide open, but without resolution.

[Elbereth]

It's not natural AT ALL. Since when being with a computer image instead of a real person is natural???

I've been dealing with this for the last 5 years, and he is still looking at porn. After all the broken promises over and over, now he says he has no problem with it, that it's "natural and healthy"... The same old song...

It's not healthy for our life together, that's for sure. I've been in many of the situations that other women told here, and it hurts like hell. I almost leave him many times because of this, but I love him too much, and I can't believe that a clever and sensitive person as he is, can't cure himself or at least realize that it's NOT "natural and healthy"... Anyway, maybe what I can't believe is that he doesn't really loves me... When he had to choose between porn and me, he chose porn, so I guess that tells a lot about how much he actually cares for our relationship.

 

Still in denial of those last sentences, I'm still trying to save this love I feel. Now, I'm trying to look at him as a sick person to be able to stay... Like in the case you have a child, and ooops, it turns to be half human-half monkey! You won't leave him in the streets or stop loving him... cause is still your child... But on the other hand, the child can't help being half human-half monkey! My partner can at least TRY!!!

I don't know for how long I would be able to remain in this situation. I feel very very sad, at that sadness won't go away. And he wouldn't do anything to change, cause he has no problem and say the problem is mine. Nice partner, uh?!

 

I would love to be able to say something that can help you, but the truth is that I can not even help myself.

I've been reading about this in many forums, and I'm beginning to think that there's no way out of it. The women who solved this problem, did it by leaving their husbands/boyfriends, even after 6 or 7 years of fighting, and loving them.

But we shouldn't love those who hurt us and do not care about how we feel. And it's simple not justice if you give him fidelity and he doesn't, or if you care about his feelings and he doesn't care about yours.

And we also have to ask ourselves if we want to be with a person that collaborates with women and child abuse by watching porn; a person who takes advantage (a sick and half money one) of people in poor situation, addicts, emotionally and physically abused women and children, people with real problems. Cause by watching porn, that's what they are doing.

 

Therapy has helped some couples....

 

Good Luck, and try not to loose yourself.

 

Elbereth

[retta]

I've been reading this forum for a few weeks and also have realized how much of a problem this is becoming between relationships all around. Sex is so exploited now it's impossible to get around it. Masterbation is normal and healthy, even in a relationship, but when is it too far. When they do it so much you notice, when 99% of the time they spend without you is doing it, when pornography is all throughout the house, when they are lying to do it and when they are hurting you. My partner has substained from looking at pornography for a week so far and I know it's not fair or realistic to think he never will again, but I do expect it not to start taking over his life or ruining our relationship.

[j10]

[color=indigo][/color]Hi everyone,

 

This is my first time posting. I have read most of your posts and am asking if my hubby really has a problem. About 2 1/2 years ago I was raped. My husband and I dated 3 years before then for about 3 years. We got back together about 6 months after my rape. At first it was difficult for me to have sex and when I could it was very rare. I knew he did masturbate to porn and accepted it cause of my issues. after a yr of counseling I have overcome my issues. 4 months ago I told him to stop the porn because I felt cheated. I felt like he was cheating on me because he did more porn than sex with me. Well, I've caught him a couple of times with porn (via Internet/magazines). We have been going to counseling and I had to be the one to talk about the porn. The counselor agreed with men needing sex and porn is a replacement for sex. I feel very offended and have talked to him about it. In his defense he says that porn isn't bad and it certainly isn't cheating. I'm very opened minded but have realized that it is once or twice a month for couple sex but at least once a week (that I've caught him) of porn. I need someone's opinion on this....am I over reacting or does he have a problem???

[Bubbles]

I say we BAN Pornography on the internet and force people to go back to the old ways of having to walk into a store and buy the filthy crap off the shelf. In plain view of all the customers......just like in the old days.

 

Internet Pornography has made it far too easy for people to view pornography. I'm not just talking about men, women are included in this also.

 

Ever notice that pornography was NOT so much of an issue 10 years ago?

Internet pornography is the same as a man or a woman calling a stripper to come into their homes and perform. In some cases a prostitute.

 

I know I'm going to get burned for this but I don't care - I have been saying the same thing for my 5 years here on Loveshack and nothing will change my mind.. I have stated my case and can back it up. There are just as many people complaining about internet pornography as there are people supporting it.

 

I lost the Love of my Life because of Pornography. It became more important to him than I was.

 

bubbles

[FolderWife]

That is TRUE bubbles. The internet porn was in our house SO MUCH that it interferred with our sex life and marriage. Regular porn on video tapes didn't hurt us at all I wonder why that was Of course, my husband NEEDS it...but he'd never buy it out of a store...he always ordered it by mail.

 

Until last month. He went to a store, and bought three DVDs (for $7, because the store was going out of business) I tried to get him to go to that store with me to buy porn, and he didn't want to. When I prodded about why, he said, "It's EMBARASSING!" when I asked why, he said, "I didn't want anyone to see me buying that."

 

then I was like, "What if your friend the preacher came in there to rent a regular old movie, and saw you coming out of the back room with your dirty porn?"

 

So now I see why he didn't want to go with me

 

I asked him why he went, and he said, "I was DESPERATE."

 

addict

[Bubbles]

Monday,

 

I went through 7 years of hell with a boyfriend who was not only addicted to pornography but his taste in pornography was "little lolita's"

I have a daughter............can you imagine how I felt? I was scared to death that one day he would try something with her. Just this past week-end she let something out that really spun my head. BTW......me and this fellow are broken up now for over 2 years - Hooooray

 

I come here to Loveshack and I read all the posts from yourself, whichwayisup etc.........and I can relate to each and every one of you.

 

The one thing I know is this - NO MAN has value to me if his life evolves around pornography. He is a worthless piece of $hit.

 

And Tom if you are reading this? Now you know what you did to us and how you made me feel, you will NEVER, NEVER meet another woman like me.........you "screwed yourself" right out of a life-long partner! Hope you enjoy masterbating.........it's the best thing you do!!!

 

 

bubbles

[AnnaMay]

Just be careful....as my husband is very into internet porn and then moved onto interactive sites, personals and swingers site just to see what's out there? Our relationship has suffered immensely with his secretive emails to these women out there in cyberspace.

 

I feel for you as when you get married you never realize what work it really is what type of situations crop up.

 

Keep your head up....

[Jason 2003]

Bubbles:

 

I doubt there is a person reading your posts that doesn't sympathize. And many women here would be delighted to see the end of the internet, or at least internet porn. But the reality is it's here to stay. You could elect Pat Robertson President of the United States and turn democracy into theocracy (it's getting pretty close already) and you'd still have all the porn a man could ever want because the internet is everywhere on the planet. Already, besides Porn Valley in California, major porn producers are cropping up in Brazil, Germany and the former eastern bloc countries of the Sovie Union and these movies and images are posted to the internet from those countries and available to all, everywhere. And even President Robertson couldn't ban the internet. It is now just too woven into the cultural and economic fabric of America, and the rest of the world for that matter.

 

And every year the internet becomes faster and more technically sophisticated. Ten years ago it up to an hour to download a low quality 5 minute porn video off the internet. Today with broadband cable you can download free of charge, pristine quality high definition 2 hour porn movies in Dolby Surround sound and burn your own DVD's in three easy steps.

 

My point is it's futile to get angry about the porn and it's easy availability. It's the man using it who needs the attention. The reasons men look at porn when they have a willing real live partner are too numerous to get into here. Dozens of books have been written about the subject. But I think women really have to concentrate on the big picture. First try and pick a guy who isn't into porn. That's a good start. And if, after you marry him, he starts in then the choices are few. Leave him is one but this is not easy if children are involved. The other choice is to sit him down and ask him why he is doing it . Make it clear it hurts you.

 

Many men will scoff at this notion because it's hard for them to understand. They see sex in two ways - fun, and a way to show love and be intimate. The can separate both these things easily. You have to calmy but firmly make him understand how you feel. If talking to him doesn't work then the old porn and marriage rule of thumb comes into play-- If he is still having sex with you, try to ignore his porn and masturbation. Don't blame yourself or the way you look because that has nothing to do with why he's into porn. In most cases it's the sexual variety and fantasy he likes and his feelings for you have not changed one bit.

 

However, if the sex stops then this IS a sign of underlying problems in the relationship that have to be rooted out. In this case the porn is replacing something the man feels he is not getting in his marriage. And keep in mind in the pre-internet days the same man under the same conditions who have pursued other sexual outlets: affairs, prostitutes etc. So even if we could turn back the clock, the situation would still be the same. And whether it's 1975 or 2005 when a man is sexually unhappy in his marriage you have to take prompt action to try and save the marriage and for this therapy is still the best route to take.

[Nobody]

I'm not sure if anyone has mentioned this but I found a great site called sex addicts.com. Here is something that they say.

 

<b>CAN SOMEONE BE A SEX ADDICT AND NOT BE SEXUAL WITH THEIR SPOUSE OR COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP?</b>

 

<i>YES! We call this later stage of sex addiction, sexual anorexia. In this stage of sex addiction, the addict prefers the fantasy world and fantasy sex with themselves or others instead of relational sex with their spouse or partner. The addict/anorexic avoids relational sex and hence this couple has sex infrequently and often at the partners request not the addict/anorexics. </i>

[j10]

[color=red][/color]I'm so upset! My husband and I agreed that no more porn in the house. I got all his porn and asked him if I could throw it away. In his defense he said it was valuable and that it's worth money. I gave him the option of selling it. Now he says he doesn't want to. I'm so mad I should just burn it. Why won't he just sell the stupid porn or throw it away.

[BiancaRura]

While he is away at school or at work, look up the history on your computer... it will tell you every web site he has been to...

 

Get on the net

click on view

sometimes its in Explorer bar or it might just say history...

 

 

 

 

Found out my husband was looking at porn A LOT by that...

about 200-300 pages a day.

[pseud]

If your man was up all night on the computer, and he was not looking at porn, that would be normal. Maybe a bit obsessive, but still within normal boundaries. If he is actually looking at porn for all that time, and his behavior is upsetting you greatly, it is definitely worth a shot to explain your feelings to him.

 

Your partner has every right to watch porn, and to watch as much of it as he wants. You have no right to tell him to stop. Masturbation and watching porn are very private things that no one else can command. In an ideal world, you would be able to explain your feelings to him, and understand that he can look at porn and masturbate all he wants. He would be understanding as well, and spend more time with you than on the computer, compliment you, and tell you how much you mean to him.

 

Unfortunately, none of us live in an ideal world, and most of us seem to have strange views on what relationships should be like.

 

The other thing to remember is that you are married with a child, and married life is sort of like how your situation is now. Marriage is not the magical, mystical, romantic fairy tale some people think it is.

[uberfrau]

Dear Pseud:

 

You are right- and by that line of reasoning, SHE has EVERY right to have a secret affiar, to experience sex with a man who isn't obsessed with porn, like her loser husband. She also has the right to lie about it to keep hubby around and paying the bills. At least she'll know where HE will be at: in front of the screen, pants around ankles, jizzing on the keyboard. That a nauseating thought.

 

And spending all night on porn is VERY DIFFERENT than spending all night researching an interesting topic. One rquires no brainpower, and the other does.

 

Porn rots your brain the same way too much TV or videogames do. Drip Drip, i see gray matter>>>

 

Duh!

[j10]

Well, on one hand you are right pseud. Men DO have the right to watch porn. However, I agree with uberfrau 100%. I didn't get married to not have sex. That's not the only thing I considered when I did get married. But to tell you the truth I have had more sex with my husband before we got married then afterward. It seems to me, he prefers using porn over sex. Often, I have confronted him and even with counseling-he doesn't even understand why he would rather be in front of a computer or a magazine pleasuring himself than with his own wife. The sad thing is that he was raised catholic and has a difficult time talking about it. I never thought this porn addiction was real until now.