The Slow Fade + NC = No Chance?

[elseaacych]

Having a better day today. Thought a lot yesterday about how to prove that I had improved as a human being since the break up. Of course, I really have nothing to prove to him because I am not competing with him in a "who's the better person" contest. Even if I tried to, I wouldn't get any validation. So there's that. It's not mopey. It's just facts.

 

I really started to feel better when I thought about something I wanted that if I were to get, I would absolutely 100% have to be over him. (And it's not a boyfriend.) I think when you break up, you face a lot of uncertainties and anxieties with future relationships, and to deal with you have to think "yeah, I'll deal with it when I have to,", some people, like me, don't deal so well with it at first. You can't force love. Love is one of those weird things that just happen.

 

but when you think about other things you want, those you can work on: and if you put it into the perspective of "I want this, but I have to get over him."

 

Putting getting over him as a step toward a non-romantic goal has helped a lot. It may help you as well.

[elseaacych]

Two good days! Well, okay, I had a slip up last night where I got worked up about something related to my ex for about an hour, but hey. It happens. It wasn't a day long shut down, like I've been having for the last month and a half, but yesterday the good definitely outweighed the bad.

 

Today is showing a lot of promise. I feel a lot like my old self again, and my friends are remarking about how far I've come along.

 

I tell you what, NC can feel terrible. You feel like you have no control because nothing is happening, so you don't feel any better. But one day you will realize the truth. NC is about regaining control o your emotions. You have control because you are not thinking about contacting so and so. You have control because by not contacting so and so you stop thinking about so and so so much. And you can do other things. Things that won't drain you. Things that give you joy.

 

This is the magic of no contact. It's simplicity is deceptive, but you will be blown away when you realize what it's doing for you.

 

Have a good day, everyone.

[elseaacych]

Seriously, people. Block your exes on Facebook. Even if you think it's harsh. This is why. Your ex may still interact with mutual friends. You may not stand to exist on the post and comments. Even if you're feeling "better", you may end up having an emotional jag for a few hours. Not worth it.

 

Here's what happened:

 

My little brother (who lives in the same house as my ex), makes a post on facebook about a problem he's stuck on. Ex knows answer. Ex is right. Even for me, who feels like she's doing better, (THREE DAYS of feeling sane and not miserable, people!) still gets a little pain, right in the feelings from seeing him post there. Why? Because he's THERE! No other reason. It's so stupid how the mind works, isn't it?

 

I still go ahead and comment and say that the ex's right, and offer my encouragement. Should I have done that? I dunno? Maybe it'll screw with my ex's head. Petty reason to do that, yeah, I know. But really, hopefully it won't bother him. Again, it's so stupid how the mind works.

 

I'm not counting it as contact, (even though even mere acknowledgment is contact, let's be honest) or a set back because I don't think it will ruin my day, which is what matters to me. This is a GOOD feeling to have!

 

I don't think I'm going to count the days since no contact anymore. Months or years maybe, when we get there. Instead, I am counting the days that I have had being successful at getting back on my feet, and be thankful for all the blessings I have. (For they are many. It'll be a later post.)

 

LoveShack, you are a blessing. As always, I love hearing from you all, and any thoughts you have. Hope you all are having a good day in your roads to recovery.

 

Peace and blessings.

[scorpio1978]

You're torturing yourself. By the time a guy breaks up with you, he has had a while to think about it. It was over before it was actually over if that makes sense. The fact that he has moved on since then proves that even more. It's the worst, but it's just how it goes. I think you are doing worse by even thinking that he may come back. He has moved on. You should too. You are overanalyzing things you say to him also. So, in order to not feel like an idiot, say nothing. It's not about making him miss you or anything because if he did, he would be with you. Sorry, I know that hurts, but it's true. The no contact in this case is not about playing a game with him. It is about getting your life back. Don't wait until the point where you are so exhausted like one person said from all the back in forth in your mind. Move on now as best you can. One day at a time.

[elseaacych]

Scorpio1978, thanks for your thoughts. You have a lot of good points. I don't know if I am intentionally sabotaging myself, really. (I am.) I overthink EVERYTHING. There are few things I don't. One of which is eating breakfast. Always eat breakfast. Even if's just a cup of coffee. There are a few others, but they're not relevant.

 

The response, I admit, was kind of impulsive. I didn't even think about it until after I sent it. And then I was like "WHY DID I DO THAT?", "What are the repercussions, for him, for me?" It's not a game, but an evaluation of natural consequences of my actions. There are no winners here.

 

Yeah, I am going to wonder about him. It's natural to. In reality, I don't think he'll come crawling back to me. But the more important repercussion is for me, and whether or not because of my slip up it becomes a whole day of pain and misery, rather than a quick rubber band snap to the chest, which is what it felt like. That short reminder was, yes, the pain still exists. It's not as bad as it used to be, though. So it's progress? It's like touching a stove with a calloused hand. Still burned, but not hurt so much. Hopefully soon I'll learn to stop touching the stove.

 

I enjoy writing this little blog thing because it's helping me evaluate my actions in regards to my break up. Hopefully you all are benefiting from, or at the very least, getting enjoyment from reading my revelations on the nature of breakups. My goal for myself, is self improvement. So please call me out on my setbacks, and tell me if I'm off my nut. I want to get "there".

 

Moral of the story: If you keep touching the stove, it's still going to burn. You can learn that the hard way (like I have, twice.) You just have to be mindful of what you are doing, and how it's going to impact your life. (For another post).

 

Got other things to do today, thanks for thinking about this with me.

Edited March 27, 2014 by elseaacych

[elseaacych]

Oh, the irony of posting about the joys of NC, only to have IDC, and have the day steered a little off course. He's been sitting in the back of my mind since this morning, and I've been arguing with him in my head every so often about how he's not good enough for me because he broke up with me, getting in the way of what I'm supposed to be doing.

 

NO CONTACT IS THE WAY TO GO. ALWAYS.

[d0nnivain]

What advice can you give me? How can I let go and move on while still hoping that he will come back? What should I do if he comes back while I am trying to let go? Should I contemplate giving him another chance if he comes back? How can I reconcile wanting him to come back with wanting to let go of the difficulties I’ve gone through? Is this getting in the way of healing ? How can I feel better about life, and reclaim balance? !

 

 

Arguing out of both sides of your mouth will only work professionally.

 

 

You need to make a choice for yourself here & now. He's already with somebody else so pursuing him is morally ambiguous, if not outright wrong.

 

 

He's made his choice. On the off chance he comes back why would you want somebody who can't weather a storm, is so wishy washy that they can be easily persuaded, and also can't make a decision & stick to it. He's shown you his character & it isn't all that.

 

 

1L is tough. Concentrate on school. Use your new found free time to write on to Law Review. That will get you much further in life than a BF.

[elseaacych]

D0nnivain. Your post honestly made me smile. Loved the comment about arguing out of both sides of the mouth. All your statements about him were absolutely right, and it's what I have been telling myself for the past three months.

 

For anyone who is still wondering: NO. I absolutely am not pursuing him. Not consciously. (Again. Another post for another day.) It is against my personal code to go after someone who is in a committed relationship.

 

I am doing this as a writing exercise to let loose of some tension, and it's also a self evaluation, a case study of sorts, of a dumpee who knows what they should be doing, and is trying to do so. Hopefully in a few months I will have a cohesive whole thing I can look back on. Which is why I love having other people other than me rambling on here, because other perspectives and stories shed light on how things really are.

 

On another thought, this journal thing may be driving me off my nut.

 

And yes, I am trying to write on to law journal.

[elseaacych]

Went out last night. Had a great time with friends. I was drinking, so there are patchy bits here and there. Had I still been with my ex, he and I would have gone to this event together, and I don't think that I would have had as much fun as I had just being myself and hanging out with some really good people who I now realize have my back.

 

Focus is scattered today, more out of boredom than anything. I feel pretty lonely and overwhelmed with work, so naturally the thoughts about the ex have started creeping back. It's so frustrating. All the pieces to solving this don't feel like they're there, even though they are.

[elseaacych]

Well. Now I know that I am not over him yet, or, not quite. Here's a little backstory to give some context on the dream. I was in a sorority in undergrad, I liked it enough. I have no friends from there that I keep in regular contact with, though. "Bid day" is the day that new members join the house. There's a huge party for them and it's all about sisterhood and making new friends.

 

I'll give you the relevant parts of the dream.

 

I went to my sorority house. The house had a new nice black gate built around the front porch.

 

Everyone was all dressed and ready to go in black tee shirts with big letters filled in with cursive writing. I couldn’t find a shirt for me, so I put on a big white over sized tee shirt that was too big, and more like a dress, with a huge neckline that slouched. There was lots of fun, and I was just trying to find a shirt, and all of the new members came out.

 

I ran out and greeted three new members by giving them a hug “I don’t know who you are but welcome and I love you!” There was lots of chaos and pictures and fun, but I still felt a little out of place in my random white shirt. I was being carried on someone’s shoulders.

 

Then, suddenly, the my ex's whole fraternity showed up. I bypassed Patrick, who was giving me the eye. went to find my younger brother, who was carrying a girl named “Phoebe” on his shoulders, he dropped her, hoisted me up, and we started singing Lean on Me by Bill Withers.

 

Finally, my ex came over to find me, and said hello. I tried to ignore him, and he started walking away. I called him back, and he came back over. He told me he couldn’t believe how sexy I was. I could tell he was drunk, so I told him that I didn’t want to talk to him. And he was like: “No, no, you’re so sexy. I can’t believe that last fall I broke up with you.” I told him that it was his problem. He told me he couldn’t stand that I was ignoring him, and I was beautiful and he asked for me back, at which point my chapter advisor came over, and told me it was time to go inside for the party, and guided me inside. I told him that if he really wanted me back, he knew where to find me. She asked if I was over him or not, and I said “I don’t know really.” Then I got a shirt, that while like the others, was better looking that said "[sorority] love and mine".

 

And there was a little more but that was it for the relevant bits, but I think that this is a little more progress.

[Strength in Healing]

I feel for you, E. Especially with the dreams. You sound sweet and compassionate, so clearly based on that alone, it isn't your loss..

 

Look, you can download skype if you want and message me on that. My name is in my sig. Wouldn't mind chatting, perhaps could help.

[elseaacych]

Thank you, I may have to hit you up on that.

 

I have been practicing being thankful and gracious in the last couple of days. It's something both my shrink and the internet recommended. I don't know if you all read Tiny Buddha, but it's a good website with lots of articles about living a happier life and letting go of the things that hold you back.

 

So today I am grateful that my ex has a new girlfriend. Seriously. He's been a jerk to my younger brother lately, and I guess he would be even more so if he didn't have that distraction. If he didn't have the girlfriend, I probably would have tried to take him back by now, and resorted to the begging, pleading, crying... all that terrible stuff. And it's given me time to think and ruminate.

 

The blinders have really started to come off, and I can see that he was no good for me, especially since he treated me the way he did the last couple months of the relationship. It was complicated by his issues, and unfortunately, it seems that he is no longer the guy I knew or fell in love with.

 

It's kind of sad to realize that. But I knew I'd get to this point eventually. It only took however long it's been since December. Anyway. I can just shake my head and say that thankfully he is no longer actively causing distress. It's just me dealing with my psyche, and I've dealt with my head long enough, I think I'll be able to handle it okay.

[bluegreen]

You lost him and from what I read now is someone else's turn to "loose him" and loose him she will ...

[elseaacych]

You lost him and from what I read now is someone else's turn to "loose him" and loose him she will ...

 

 

It's not like he even traded up in terms of girlfriends, IMO, from what I saw when I was creeping on his facebook a couple months ago. She just happened to be there. I think that if it comes to a point where she's not "there", he's out.

 

Heard a polish proverb the other day: "Not my circus, not my monkeys." So yeah.

[elseaacych]

My little brother is my buddy. He comes back to my house every week to do laundry because he doesn't want to have to pay to do laundry at the (frat) house.

 

Anyway, word on the street is that the frat house is looking for a new house mom, who gets free room and board, and salary in exchange for checking the guys in and out of the house, and keeping up with maintenance. To me, that sounds like a perfect way to get in some extra income, and live on campus near the law school.

 

Only problem is the ex factor. He'll be there one more semester. I'd think that if we were living on separate floors and he was hardly ever there, (and I'm busy with law school as is) this would not be an issue. Little Bro thinks this a bad idea for both me and my ex. Mainly 'cause he thinks it would freak the ex out.

 

And another nugget... Ex broke up with me because I reminded him too much of his mom. Okaaaay....

 

What the crap, brain. I am trying to GET. OVER. HIM.

[elseaacych]

I wrote this on a note card, which ripped up angrilly and trashed.

 

I've learned a lot about who I am and who you are. I wish I could see you as the same way I used to. I wish that we could love each other again, wholly fully, like we used to.

 

That was the best feeling. Unfortunately, you threw that all away, and I will never be able to feel the way I used to feel with you again.

 

...Today I am grateful that I have the day to study and catch up. I am grateful that I am coming up out of my mess now, and have a chance to put my life back together again before finals.

Edited March 30, 2014 by elseaacych

[BC1980]

I wrote this on a note card, which ripped up angrilly and trashed.

 

I've learned a lot about who I am and who you are. I wish I could see you as the same way I used to. I wish that we could love each other again, wholly fully, like we used to.

 

That was the best feeling. Unfortunately, you threw that all away, and I will never be able to feel the way I used to feel with you again.

 

...Today I am grateful that I have the day to study and catch up. I am grateful that I am coming up out of my mess now, and have a chance to put my life back together again before finals.

 

I think it's always good to write out what you feel but don't send it. It's helped me to order my thoughts and make sense of them. Sometimes, I think I'd love to send some mean stuff to my ex, but it would only make me look weak and pitiful. I like to imagine he would feel really bad, but I doubt he would care that much.

[elseaacych]

Ex is doing a pie in the face thing today. For a dollar, I can go pie him in the face. It's for philanthropy. I've got lots of rage feelings still pent up.

 

I want to do this. So. bad.

 

LoveShackers. What do I do?

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Ex is doing a pie in the face thing today. For a dollar, I can go pie him in the face. It's for philanthropy. I've got lots of rage feelings still pent up.

 

I want to do this. So. bad.

 

LoveShackers. What do I do?

 

You know the answer already, you just want it justified by other people.

 

STAY AWAY

[elseaacych]

Yes, yes I do want it justified, because more than 50% of me wants to do it.

 

In some many ways, it is very immature and childish. Sometimes I feel compelled to be immature and childish. Especially since this is the guy that stomped all over my heart.

 

I have to keep asking myself what it accomplishes. Some sick sense of satisfaction from getting to cream pie my ex in the face, after all he's done? Putting myself back in the line of fire? Making an ass of myself? Making him aware that I'm attention seeking and theatrical?

 

In other news, I have a couple of dates lined up this week. Including one during the pie thing. Hopefully that will keep my raging emotions at bay.

Edited March 31, 2014 by elseaacych

[elseaacych]

AHHHH. He still has reign over my emotions.

 

F-*k it. I'll either stay busy enough to stay away, or just flat out go there and pie my little bro or one of his friends and leave. (Because it's $1 of cheap entertainment.)

 

3.25 years of a good relationship doesn't need to end with a pie in the face. He was good to me while he was in love, even if he left for someone else. I need to respect that. If I happen to see my ex and never see him again after that, I don't want the last thing in his mind of me to be vengefully pie-ing him in the face, like some psycho brat.

Edited March 31, 2014 by elseaacych

[elseaacych]

Date with new guy somewhat successful. Walked by the pie thing, paid, pied a guy. Ex wasn't there. Thank God.

 

NC still stands.

[sooshi]

elsea, first I want to say that I think you're a great writer and I enjoy reading your posts.

 

I also want to say that I'm sorry for what you've been going through, but I'm proud of you for maintaining NC. Stay strong!

[elseaacych]

Thanks Sooshi. NC over time has become a form of empowerment, really. Every day that goes by where I don't see him is a day that I am a little bit stronger, even if I don't feel like it. I've stopped counting the days and weeks of NC, and that feels good.

 

Today is one of those days: getting wrapped up in the what I think we should have had, and how I thought we were going to have it. It is thoughts like this that hurt the most. I just have to remind myself that he doesn't want it. And is never coming back. The end.

 

I haven't used my one shot at reconciliation, mainly because he has that girlfriend still. Haven't checked. Sometimes I wonder if I want to sacrifice my self respect for another shot. I've written many letters and ripped them all to shreds.

 

Here's an interesting post from Tiny Buddha: Dealing with a Break-Up and Learning from the Experience

 

Everything is going to be okay.

Edited April 1, 2014 by elseaacych

[elseaacych]

Something that has been on my mind for the last few days: sending a letter to my ex. [Cue big collective “NO” from the entire love shack forum.]

 

Hear me out, though. I had to ask myself why I was doing it: there was a lot of going back and forth.

“I’m doing it because the break up wasn’t truly mutual.”

“I’m doing it because I want him to know I am still not over him.”

No, no, that’s what every despondent break up brain says. That’s not good enough.

 

“I need to do it now. There is no time. Every day that passes is another day lost. If I don’t let him know now, I won’t want him in a few months. The sooner he comes back, the more he really loves me.”

 

Hmmm. Finally a less than typical, but honest answer.

 

Although I’ve been emotionally down in the dumps, I’ve had a stellar last couple days socially. I’ve had two dates since last Thursday, a third tonight. (All with different people.) I have another potential date. I went out with friends and had a great time, for the first time in a long time. I had fun. Without him.

 

I realize I can have fun without him. For awhile this is liberating. And suddenly the panic sets in. And everything goes off the rails again. The sadness. The not eating, the lack of motivation. The sudden desire to reconnect and reattach.

 

Fellow LSers, is this typical, have you experienced this? If you have, what have you done to deal with this? I'm not really in a place where I can go out and have lots of fun right now, I've got lots of (boring depressing uninteresting) work to do.