The Slow Fade + NC = No Chance?

[elseaacych]

I've read lots of posts in the forum about how NC has worked for several people, and how they think they are finally moving on because they've made lots of changes to their lives and their exes are no longer the end all be all of their universe.

 

I have to wonder, if you are posting about NC in real time, are you really as far along as you think? (It's kind of like not talking about fight club).

 

The first month out of my break up was the best, believe it or not. I hadn't looked anything up about how to deal with break ups, so I knew nothing about NC, text your ex, or mindful healing. All I knew was that I was not going to call my ex because I was just going to be a soppy mess, and I didn't really want to call him either. Granted, I may have just been in the denial stage, because I didn't really know what to feel, other than kind of sad. (I was busy with stuff I liked at the time, rather than stuff I disliked.) Point being, I wasn't thinking about how long it had been since I contacted him, or when I was going to contact him next. Or what to do if he contacted me. I was just about "handling it".

 

Last couple days, I've been thinking that the day you finally stop counting the days, weeks, months, since you've last talked to them; and just acknowledge that it's been a long time since you last talked to them; you go weeks without thinking about contacting them, and if you do think about contacting them you just kind of shrug it off with a "meh", not even gratifying a complete answer to the idea of contacting them that you have finally moved on.

 

The beautiful part about truly moving on is not even realizing it. Yes, the implication is that you won't come on here and tell your story of how your ex contacted you and you just casually deleted the communication like it was no big deal, because the action was just so trivial that it doesn't even deserve acknowledgement.

 

We, the heartbroken, still post here about our breakups in real time because we are in the beginning stages of moving on and still need the affirmation that deleting that breadcrumb text was smart, that remaining NC if an ex does something stupid is the only way to truly handle it. If you have to think about why you are doing something and "I'm supposed to be NC, to prove to myself that I am strong," you're on the right track, but not there yet. If it helps, by all means, post!!!

 

I know that if I got something from my ex this second, I would need to post on here about how I handled it or ask for guidance on how to handle it. So I haven't reached that stage of indifference yet. It's not okay, because it's been nearly six months since my break up (I think. I dunno.) I'm thinking of just letting those bulls*-t breadcrumbs I sent in March go, so I don't have to spend more than a mere millisecond of thought trying to do the subtraction in my head of how many months it has really been since I talked to him, because it doesn't fricking matter, and it doesn't change the situation if I've been NC 3 weeks or 3 years, or I made it "this long" since I caved, or if I beat a record, or if responding to a breadcrumb nonchalantly "counts". All that matters is that we ended our romantic relationship on [date], and I am currently not communicating with him.

 

That, my friends, my idea of complete and total NC. It is a simple acknowledgement of the facts. No feelings. No justifications of why. We all know why.

 

Anyway, that's my rant for the day. I hope you all are making progress as you work through your healing. Have a good day.

Edited April 22, 2014 by elseaacych

[Breadimus]

Hi E,

 

I really enjoy reading your posts, they are very insightful and well constructed. I think they appeal to the lonely academic in me!

 

I think the worst thing for my progression in getting over someone, and possibly yours is being inundated with the pain of others. I was gradually feeling better in Feb as I slowly progressed along the NC path, though it was probably still denial, then one day I just broke and came onto LS.

 

The never ending posts from recent dumpees is torturing because that ability to empathise brings me straight back to those first few weeks after I was dumped. Then the never ending quest for how to get an ex back and those who constantly ask if they should break NC is just draining. I am addicted I think to that misery, like a warm blanket of sorrow, and it also makes me feel more in touch with JW. Do you feel this is the case for you?

 

What I am trying to say is that I think we may be better at coping if we treat LS as a internal diary, where we can gather our thoughts on one page and have others provide insight into our lives and not as a fountain of knowledge that magically applies to your particular situation. Just like this thread for you has evolved.

 

I know you have moved on when you no longer search for loveshack, anything ex related and or steps to getting over them. It is done and you have better things to do.

[elseaacych]

It is tempting to treat LS as a fountain of knowledge because there's so much content. And if you're a research addict, you want to look at everything to see if there's anything out there that could be any more related to your situation, and when that turns into hours of reading you know you just may have a problem. Or if you find yourself saying "I relate to this because of my situation, so blah blah blah..." In many ways, if I do that, I do feel "connected", in a way.

 

I think everyone should have their personal break up thread where they can put their revelations and musings, and invite others in to comment. That is probably a bit more healthy than living vicariously through other dumpees by reading through their experiences, and leaving no advice for them... only to go on your way to look for more "closure".

 

Point being, you gotta know how to best heal.

[elseaacych]

So, here's another update from my boring life.

 

Got a friends request today from a new person "The [undergrad] reviewer"

 

I wondered who it was, and decided to contact whoever it was, after a quick evaluation of his page, and after I determined it was most likely not my ex.

 

Me:

Hi, Mystery Reviewer! Nice to receive a friend request from you! I am guessing that I may know you based on our mutual friends, and that you might be a Greek.

 

I haven't read the review in a long time, and I am no longer in undergrad. So, I wonder why I've been added to your friends list. (We can be friends once I figure out who you are! ) Enlighten me as to that fact. Also, what do you review, on the review?

 

I look forward to hearing from you.

 

Them, about three hours later:

Hi there, sorry to send you a request. I did not mean to hit anyone that wasn't still an undergrad. I simply went through lists and hit anyone who had [undergrad] listed, and I was sent a lot of suggestions by some Greek students so that may be how you were sent a request.

 

I am not a Greek, and I do not know you so I am sorry about that. I do review on the Review, but only in the lightest sense. Kind of like an Onion for [undergrad]

 

I will not be offended if you chose to defriend since you do not know me & are not reading the review. But if you want a laugh every once in a while, please feel free to stay connected.

 

Thank you,

 

The [undergrad] Review Reviewer

 

I was a little surprised at the formality, but, I shot them back a message that I didn't get the review because I was over at the law building, but I tried to stay connected as best I could. That I was still curious to who they were and enjoyed making new friends. No response, as of thirty minutes later.

 

Probably not going to get a response, but whatever. They don't get to be my friend if I don't know who they are.

 

I'm kind of sad that Mystery Reviewer, whoever they are, wouldn't be light hearted and play along with me. Whatever. Other things to do today. Have a good day, Love Shack.

[elseaacych]

So, you don't need to call me out on only doing this halfway. I am still friends with my Ex's mother and sister. [Cue "Elseeeeaaaa, whhhyyyyy???" from collective LS readers], BUT, BUTBUTBUT. They are on restricted, and I am not following them. Meaning I get no updates from them. The only updates they get from me are profile picture updates.

 

So, I finally got a new profile picture the other day. It's pretty, but not gorgeous. The thing I love about it is that it is full of color, and I don't look like a grimacing skeleton. (Last couple months.)

 

I got about 30 likes on it, mostly female and older friends, so it's not a dude magnet. But, his mom logged on this morning. And she liked it. I'm trying not to read into it too much, but it's an indicator that she doesn't hate me. (Which makes me feel better, because I feel like I broke my ex's heart to some extent.)

 

Come on, Elsea. Get your s*-t together. Stop writing these uber-long posts about stuff that doesn't really matter. Go read your outlines.

 

But really, it's like a bad "Your Mom" joke.

 

"YOUR MOM likes my new profile picture."

 

Have a good day, all.

[BC1980]

I'm still friends with my ex's sister, and we talk on the phone sometimes. She lives in another state, so I never see her. We don't talk about my ex. She's not on social media, so no problem there. I think I would be careful about following on social media because you might see seething you don't want to.

 

If It gets to the point where you need to de friend them, I would shoot them a message exploding why. Chances are that they will understand and have no hard feelings.

[sooshi]

I wouldn't call you out on that. Most of the people on my FB are my ex's friends and family, most of whom I have met in person (we live in different countries). I don't want to remove them, but it also hurts to be reminded all the time of him so I just don't go on there anymore.

 

It's okay to write about these things. Whatever helps with your healing.

[elseaacych]

I just need to quit that thing. Really. Just shut it down. All it's doing is screwing with my head. But I dig the validation I get when people like my statuses, or pictures. But really, it's not like I talk to any of these people in real life.

 

One of my friends, who is friends with my ex, soon to be married to her hometown sweetheart (probably one of the cutest couples ever), posted that she's learned not to fight with her love about little things, because the big thing, love was more important, and she doesn't want to lose her love over a little thing. I liked it, and then looked at who else liked it. Of course my ex liked it.

 

Dips*-t. Two out of our four fights, ever, were about little things. And he never ever really made an effort to resolve those issues. And two of those fights were picked for absolutely no reason. I even think the last one was just picked to make me mad. (And it worked.) I still had to wonder if he really missed me, but I know he doesn't.

 

And do I miss him! Or, maybe, the idea of him. I've thought a few times in the last few days about contacting him, but I really have nothing to say to him, other than I really think that the stress killed us. And I wish it didn't.

 

But in reality, he was no longer interested, and that's what really hurts. He didn't want to support me through my suffering. And the more I think about it, the last hard time I went through, some folks were spreading rumors about us, and he was motivated to not let others break us up. (This was said at the last farewell.) So really, he was in it for him. From that, I extrapolate he thought it should have happened a long time ago.

 

People tell me he isn't my answer. That I gave more to him than he gave to me. I loved this person. But the person I fell in love with: smart, rational, kind, funny, determined ex, was replaced by a lost, unpassionate, unkind depressive husk of his former self. The spark had faded. Maybe it was just the bipolar disorder, maybe I no longer suited his needs, and he realized he didn't want me to be his teammate because I couldn't carry the full load of us all the time.

 

I know that I am not to blame in this either: that I said and did some things, but that was only when I felt something needed to be done or said. But let's make it clear, it was rarely an equal relationship in terms of needs. All I needed was someone to love and support me. He needed all that, and maybe a therapist, caregiver, coach, and mother. He just seemed to have disappointment after disappointment, and I just kept going along with my life with him in tow, and trying to encourage him to be the man I perceived him to be. (Because I thought he was impressive.) And now I know that is not the case.

 

I reached out to him once, if you recall, and it felt so different. And now I know why. He was holding back. We never held back. Everything just kind of came out into the open as we learned about each other, and there were no secrets, just things we hadn't learned about each other yet. I think that right there is love.

 

That was the same dynamic I felt on a couple of our very last dates. I've been meaning to type this for a few paragraphs now, but that's why we can't be the same. He will always have something to hide from me. I will be unable to share my uncertainties and things that bothered me, without fear that he will leave. (Something I experienced every so often in the last relationship.) Fear that he would leave. Fear that was confirmed.

 

And that is why I will not reach out. I will not reach out, so I tell my story here.

[PhillyConnection23]

I'm only a month out of my break up but I definitely know what you were talking about (at least when the thread was started).

 

In the back of my mind part of me thinks that eventually we will be back together. It doesn't help that it was a long distance relationship and that by the end of the year I'll be back in her city... But what is really getting to me is that I know she has feelings for me. It wasn't a break up because of another guy or trust issues. It was a break up because of poor communication and (I really think) lack of experience in relationships on her part. She asked for distance to make it easier for her and to "find herself." I've been respecting her wishes.

 

So for the last month I've cried and mourned but I haven't been angry at her. I realize she made a decision that she ultimately felt would make her life better. How can I blame someone for that? For a while I've been trying to better myself and become the person I want to be, now I just have more time to make it happen faster.

 

Will I try to contact her in the future? Probably. I'm sent to her city for work on a regular basis and maybe in a few weeks/months we can get coffee or lunch and see what happens. But at the same time I'm not holding out hope for it. As much as I would like to spend my life with her, I'm making significant progress in accepting the relationship is over.

 

So I'm in a state of limbo but I'm not allowing myself to be paralyzed

[sooshi]

elsea, based on your posts, I do feel like you gave more to him than he gave to you. That it wasn't an equal relationship for at least the last three months. It does sound like you couldn't fulfill him/all of his needs. But I don't think it was your responsibility, either, and I don't think it should be any partner's responsibility.

 

He sounds kind of like my ex. He needed a mother, caregiver, etc. and I went along with it, thinking that he'd get better, that he'd become self-empowered (and consistently so)... to be the person I knew he had the potential to be, as I had seen it myself.

 

I think that both of our former partners left us because they didn't feel that spark. They didn't feel fulfilled by us. And we've both gotten down ourselves for not being (good) enough for them. But it wasn't us, not mostly anyway. They attached the expectation of us fulfilling this role and that role and the other role, and if we couldn't comply, they were left dissatisfied and search another person to find a spark with.

 

I want to be a part of a team. To be a teammate. It sounds like you do as well. I think that a lot of relationships aren't really teams, though. They're more of "I'll stay with you as long as you do this for me and make me feel this way" relationships. I just want to be with someone who truly wants to be on a team and our vision of helping to light up the world is more important than feeling a spark for one another. If we're attracted to each other, that's good for me. But I don't know. I don't have much dating experience to rely on.

 

Thanks for your posts, elsea. They're insightful and honest. And yeah, Facebook sucks. I can understand about enjoying the validation you get from others. I think it's probably the/a prime reason people go on there.

[PhillyConnection23]

elsea, based on your posts, I do feel like you gave more to him than he gave to you. That it wasn't an equal relationship for at least the last three months. It does sound like you couldn't fulfill him/all of his needs. But I don't think it was your responsibility, either, and I don't think it should be any partner's responsibility.

 

He sounds kind of like my ex. He needed a mother, caregiver, etc. and I went along with it, thinking that he'd get better, that he'd become self-empowered (and consistently so)... to be the person I knew he had the potential to be, as I had seen it myself.

 

I think that both of our former partners left us because they didn't feel that spark. They didn't feel fulfilled by us. And we've both gotten down ourselves for not being (good) enough for them. But it wasn't us, not mostly anyway. They attached the expectation of us fulfilling this role and that role and the other role, and if we couldn't comply, they were left dissatisfied and search another person to find a spark with.

 

I want to be a part of a team. To be a teammate. It sounds like you do as well. I think that a lot of relationships aren't really teams, though. They're more of "I'll stay with you as long as you do this for me and make me feel this way" relationships. I just want to be with someone who truly wants to be on a team and our vision of helping to light up the world is more important than feeling a spark for one another. If we're attracted to each other, that's good for me. But I don't know. I don't have much dating experience to rely on.

 

Thanks for your posts, elsea. They're insightful and honest. And yeah, Facebook sucks. I can understand about enjoying the validation you get from others. I think it's probably the/a prime reason people go on there.

 

 

This was pretty insightful. Without going too much into my relationship with my mother, I would definitely say that I need the caregiver person in my life. My ex did a great job with this role. However, I also always viewed my relationship with my ex as a partnership, I felt like together we could take on any challenge the world threw at us.

 

I was aware of my need for a caregiver and thought I was taking the necessary steps to minimize it or make it less of an emphasis in our relationship. But I guess I need to take a step back and re-examine what happened and how I communicated with her.

[sooshi]

I think many of us have a new for a caregiver in a relationship. I think it's certainly okay to offer care during times of need, but when it becomes a constant need, it becomes less of a partnership. Of course, I'm not including illness of various kinds in this generalization (terminal illness, symptoms stroke, etc.). I'm referring more to a caregiver who tends to another's emotional needs (by being a constant cheerleader, lifter-upper type person because your partner is often down and needs that validation all too often). I think elsea experienced this with her ex as well.

[elseaacych]

Something my mom always warned me about was finding a lover who was my "everything". That "you should find someone who complements you. And you two should be strong apart, but better together."

 

That is something I've looked for, because I want a teammate, more than anything. In a relationship, we sometimes have to assume different roles temporarily because life dictates such, but it should always seem to be about equilibrium. Sooshi has definitely hit the nail on the head. But I would like to add an addendum regarding mental illness: these types of relationships are a bit more tricky because you need to willingly assume the caregiver role more frequently. The one with the mental illness has to have a higher perception of their illness: be willing to combat their mental illness, and have some compassion for their partners/caregivers. (For example, I am getting through depression right now, and for about two weeks, at worst, I had to have a house mate physically drag me out of bed in the morning and help me get ready for the day. I've tried to reciprocate by buying her coffee, or cleaning if I have energy.) I've not lost my cool with her for not "helping" the way she thinks she should, if she does something differently than I would have if I were "normal". I think Sooshi's ex and my ex lacked that compassion and gratitude that is critical to have if you are facing a chronic struggle. I also think that they had unrealistic expectations, but that's a rant for another time.

 

Philly, you are in an interesting time, from what I can see in your post. Communication is always key to a healthy relationship. I wouldn't put too much stock into reconcilliation in a few months, because as wonderful as you both are, you both need to go through a growth phase and work through your "issues" that impacted the relationship separately. This can take many months-years. And then other people could get involved on both of your sides. This may be a very good thing though.

 

I know if my ex didn't have someone, I would have reached out to him by now, (probably for the best that I didn't though.). I believe that everyone gets ONE shot at asking for reconciliation. So I will keep that little diamond in a box in the back of my mind. I hope that in a few months I forget it's there.

[elseaacych]

Addendum: Sooshi, I think lovers who end up taking on an unrewarding caregiver role tend to get more affected by a break up. They had to be the strength in the relationship for far too long, and as dumpees, when the rug is pulled out from under them, they are taken by such surprise- all of the energy that they have expounded is gone, and they don't have much left for themselves to heal as fast.

[Breadimus]

Hey Guys,

 

As always awesome discussions.

 

I buy into the Freud concept of relationships, to an extent. A man wants a mother like figure who will comfort him and love him unconditionally and who will be his fallback from the world. A woman wants a Father like figure who will

protect and guide, be a strong and always there for her to retreat to and assure her she is loved.

 

Now I think a really good indication of this theory, particularly in both El, Sooshi's, mine and Phil's case is the relationship heads south, and I think in the majority of cases when the male's need for that motherly aspect becomes far more prevalent than the wants and needs if the female.

 

In lay mans terms, women want a man and not a boy. El and shooshi, I feel it in my bones that both of you would have left your relationships sooner rather then later. It just takes that step back to realize it. Phil and I will come to terms with the fact for a time we were not "men".

 

I'm my case, JW had PTSD and anxiety from traumas as a child. She told me this three months in. I was her rock for the majority of the relationship and encouraged her to go to counseling. However the moment I lost direction, suffered mentally and fell into depression, the troubles started and the descent began. No care that I dealt with JW problems for the whole relationship, it just turned out that another's was too much as well.

 

This is cool, we are young and as El says, if you are not strong apart it can be very difficult to be whole together as a team.

[elseaacych]

Breadimus:

 

That is absolutely spot on. At the time of my breakup, I was feeling really ambivalent about the relationship. I knew I wasn't going to pull the plug right then because things were uncertain, and we hadn't attempted to resolve it. (I hadn't had time to resolve it, but had told him I wanted to work on it "soon". Over break.) Well, I guess he beat me to it.

 

As for the freudian aspect. I reminded my ex of his mom, apparently. (Who is a very nice, together, smart woman. I take it as a compliment.) He identified that as a reason he left to my little bro. He dislikes his mom, and my hints that he should try to get his act together might have compelled him to get rid of me because she was probably urging him to get his act together. There are some aspects of him that reminded me of my dad, but not many. For me, that's food for thought.

 

I would also like to add that if someone is accustomed to being the care reciever in the relationship, and they have to step up and they aren't comfortable stepping up they may perceive it as a lack of love from the other party's part because they are no longer doing the "caring" they are accustomed to. There may be an emotional stunting there that prevents them from recognizing the other's need, or they recognize it, and are unsure how to address it.

 

Finally: I really like what this thread has evolved into! I am so glad I have you all to talk to!

[sooshi]

I also love what this thread has evolved into. Very thought-provoking discussion. I'm not sure how I missed yesterday's posts though!

 

elsea, I love what your mom said. I love what your mom said about finding someone who complements you, about being strong apart, but better together. She's right on!

 

Like elsea, I want a teammate more than anything. When I saw some of the stuff my ex-fiance said to my best friend while pursuing her, I saw that it had nothing to do about being on a team (though he has idealized his relationship as one of a team). It was infatuation. I don't want a relationship that's full of that mushy, infatuation stuff. Sure, romance is good. But it's not what the relationship is built on or around. Teamwork all the way (with romantic attraction, too)! What your mom described sounds like my dream relationship.

 

I also think that it's harder for the dumpee when they were in the caregiving capacity in the relationship.

 

elsea, I'm sorry to hear that you've been depressed for the last couple of weeks. I was very depressed for a while too after the break-up, and then after my ex pursued my best friend and trying to work through that with them, but ultimately failing, and believing it was all my fault for the way I reacted. I still feel down and out, but guys, we'll all find love again, and we're all evolving and we'll be able to be in a relationship again that's full of love. We'll know better about what we want, about red flags, and about how to maximize teamwork and love and all of that good stuff.

[elseaacych]

I've kind of been evaluating a lot of my posts lately, and there's a definite change of tune in my perspective. I feel like I am finally letting go, because now if I envision my ex coming back, it's consistently been about how to tell him to take a hike. He'd mentioned when we broke up that he thought we could be friends. And I don't really think I want him as a friend. I feel like it has to be all or nothing.

 

This has given me a kind of release, because it's consistently been nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing. What I have heard of him is just him being up to the same antics that he was up to when we were dating, but now I just see it as kind of boring, because what we had doesn't seem so special anymore. It's a standard, run of the mill, ended relationship. All I have are some good memories, a bunch of mix-tapes, and a couple of trinkets. I no longer entertain my fantasy of us at 70 years old, hobbling down the hill to the place where we first met. I mean, yeah, there are some feelings there. I still feel a stab in my heart if someone mentions him. It doesn't last as long as it used to. I've just acknowledged that the stabbing feeling will happen, so I try to avoid it. I feel like I am finally saying goodbye to him, rather than just going through the motions, pausing, and asking "Okay, I think I'm over it. You can come back now."

 

I don't know if I am finally moving on, because I feel a sort of twinge of sadness or guilt or just general melancholy about all of it. The pain in my shoulders that I had shortly after breaking up with him has come back. If this is supposed to feel good, why do I still feel like a hollow version of me? Anyone else in the process of moving on (knowing they won't be back), and it's been more than three months, relate? Where do you think you are in your healing process?

Edited April 30, 2014 by elseaacych

[sooshi]

It's been four months for me now. I am also feeling more like you do, about accepting it, and feeling like what we had not seeming so special anymore. My fantasies of me and my ex growing old together and all of that... they are fading. Like you, I know I would feel some pain if someone mentions him, but it doesn't linger for as long as it used to. Sometimes I feel like I am finally saying goodbye to him too.

 

It's hard to know exactly where I'm at in my healing process. I definitely feel less compelled to talk about it all; I know that much. I still miss the *idea* of him and I spending the rest of our lives together. But I do know that I deserve someone so much better. That I deserve a true teammate, one who loves me.

 

Your last paragraph reminded me of a song called "To Be Free". I've been relating to the following parts of the songs, and I feel like you probably do a well.

 

Once in a house on a hill

A boy got angry

He broke into my heart

 

For a day and a night

I stayed beside him

Until I had no hope

 

So I came down the hill

Of course I was hurt

But then I started to think

 

It shouldn't hurt me to be free

It's what I really need

To pull myself together

But if it's so good being free

Would you mind telling me

Why I don't know what to do with myself

 

... we've both certainly come a long way. We know that much.

[Breadimus]

I would agree with both of you that the posts provided are becoming less ex driven and more you driven. This is a good sign and I would argue that it reflects a certain degree of acceptance.

 

How ever with acceptance does come that crushing sense of loss, as it is us truly letting go of that warm blanket of sorrow we used to comfort us and make us feel connected to our ex-partners in some way. This feeling of sorrow comforting people is probably why we see people come back a year from now unable to fully move on past their relationships.

 

Have you reached acceptance and are you moving on, both of you, I can't say for sure. But if you are able to distance yourself from the people you were in the relationship and take a rational look at why it failed because of you, and not because of them, then you have moved on. You are still allowed to feel sad for a time for you have lost a unique connection and love that will never be replaced, even though people use that plenty fish in the sea mantra, you and your partners had something unique together and the sad part is that will never be repeated. This may answer why you feel so hollow, because it has been so long since it has just been you.

 

I am 3 months in and I am still sad, though I was sad before hand so it probably doesn't help. I have not had another person on the scene like both of you have had, I have no idea anyway as I have not heard from JW since we parted. Maybe this has both stunted my healing and expediated it all at the same time.

 

For me I heard about JW problems with returning to study and the problems she had at work through a mutual friend who works around the corner from me. I generally did not care, in the past I was always there to hear her out and be that stress ball, because it had nothing to do with me nor did this person who had all these problems. And knowing how much JW gets stressed I knew she would be having a little difficulty but truly I don't care. This however does not mean I still do not 'love' her. A strange place to be.

[elseaacych]

Not hearing anything from the ex has expedited it for me, at least. I really felt better when I de-friended him on FB, because he suddenly started getting on FB A LOT after we broke up and I'd see him online in the chat window.. then I'd high tail it off that website. I still have some of his gifts laying around, but it doesn't mean much. Out of sight out of mind has done wonders.

 

Further, mutual friends can be the worst. They're like a slow IV drip of information that just makes you go "Huh," and then you have to retreat inwardly to analyze. And if you're information hungry, you never get enough. You don't feel bad about asking, because it's not like you're TALKING to your ex. It's almost like getting a breadcrumb and it still hurts in it's own way. If I were you, Breadimus, I'd mention to your mutual friend that you're not interested in what JW's up to. Then ask her about her day or whatever.

[Jiivy]

It's been a few months NC from my side too - I definitely feel a synergy with your progress since the BU. Like you, my partner had someone already lined up and jumped in a few weeks after she ended our engagement.

 

I'm in a place where I really hope that I don't hear from my ex...ever. I know that having her drop a message will hurt me and I've been making great progress since the end.

 

I still get moments where I lie in bed in the night, just crying. The moments fade, I focus more during the days and I'm meeting new people already.

 

In a funny turn of events, everything that my ex and I had been hoping to happen over the past 6 months (I get to work closer to her, I get a place of my own so we can see each other more often, I get some distance from my parents etc etc) has all come to pass in the IMMEDIATE aftermath of the breakup. I also realised that all of these events above were driven by me...

 

When I ask what she did to make our situation better, what did she contribute to balancing that relationship? I get zilch. Nothing. She went on expecting me to keep moving mountains.

 

I advocate NC whole heartedly, I seriously do. It gives you the perspective you need and time to really look inwards. I'm here with you Elsea, keep it going <3

[elseaacych]

I am posting my epic rant here for posterity.

 

Based on your story, you guys have already had the talk about you not wanting to be the back up plan. Because you two have been in a relatively long term relationship, you have to make the assumption he knows how a healthy relationship works, and that people work together and grow together in a mutually supportive way. This "working on ourselves separately" is not a relationship. It doesn't even do anything to foster a relationship. You guys aren't together.

 

It's evident that he's seeing other people and pursuing other relationships, but he keeps putting you off even though "These people aren't as good as you." Well, if those people aren't as good as you, why hasn't he come back already and begged for his second chance? It means he's still looking for something better.

 

If he finds "something better", he won't meet up with you. He'll come up with an excuse to keep putting you off. He'll drop off the face of the Earth once he's found something better. Meanwhile, he's keeping you on the back burner in case things go south.

 

What's so special about June? If he comes back wanting you in June, you know he's already broken up with you once, and he kept putting you off! He could keep putting you off if he wanted to. Because he's still looking for something better, even if "everyone he's met pales in comparison to you." (Quote from your other thread). He may say these nice things to you, but he's not acting on it! If he wanted you, he'd be with you? If Don't you demand a little more respect? Someone who doesn't dictate a relationship solely by his terms?

 

No, if he wanted you. He would be with you. Don't wait around for this bull****. You don't know what he wants, but you know he doesn't want you. And he chooses not to want you Every. Single. Day. It's not fair for your life to be dictated by him, especially when he has already said he doesn't want you.

 

Think of it this way, if you wait around for him until June. You might meet someone tomorrow who could potentially be the love of your life. But, instead you ignore Mr. Charming because are waiting until June for this Buttwaffle who tells you nice things, but has already rejected you! And keeps rejecting you! You've asked for your second chance. He said no, and maybe. The maybe is because he is keeping you on the back burner.

 

You've lost a great opportunity because you are waiting around on someone who 's greatest asset right now is that he was dumb enough to throw away a good relationship with someone he loved. [sarcasm] Look, you are an awesome individual. You made this guy fall in love with you. You have many lovable qualities, but instead you pass up opportunities to meet new people who WILL FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU, AND WANT YOU, AND NOT REJECT YOU, because you keep waiting on a guy who keeps rejecting you EVERY SINGLE DAY, knows it, and will only come back when it suits him. You may get that second chance, but is it really the second chance you want, with someone who rejected you, and who just keeps rejecting you and knows he can leave when he wants and you will just take him back? Is that fair to you?

 

So, I am going to make a recommendation to you. Be fair to you. You are awesome. You deserve someone who wants you NOW. You deserve someone who wants you EVERY SINGLE DAY. You deserve someone who will LOVE YOU AND NEVER LEAVE YOU.

 

I know you wanted your last relationship to work. You were probably the stronger one because you might have said or felt "I will not leave you no matter what happens." You would have gone through hell and high water for him. You were strong. Now, invest that strength in someone who matters. You.

 

Be strong enough to say: "I deserve someone who wants me now and will want me every single day." "I deserve a life where I am not waiting around on some guy to make up his mind on whether he loves me or not." "He is not doing this for me, so I deserve better."

 

So you do what you have to. Mercy shot to the head. Instant death. You go full blown NC. Even if he contacts you. Even if he says the magic words. You wait until he says them again. Unprompted by you. You read these two posts, and re read them every day until they are burned into your soul.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/brea...-contact-guide

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/brea...broken-hearted

 

Make on making yourself into a person you want to be. The sooner you stop waiting around and you do that you will find someone who loves you for who you are and who you want to be. And they will love you every single day.

[sooshi]

That post made me tear up, elsea. It was beautiful and it impacted me quite a bit. I needed to hear all of that.

 

I've continued to follow this thread... I've just been quiet. Haven't been feeling very communicative on here lately. But I want you to know that I'm still reading and keeping up with how you're doing. I hope you're doing well.

[flyingfree_hope]

Two good days! Well, okay, I had a slip up last night where I got worked up about something related to my ex for about an hour, but hey. It happens. It wasn't a day long shut down, like I've been having for the last month and a half, but yesterday the good definitely outweighed the bad.

 

Today is showing a lot of promise. I feel a lot like my old self again, and my friends are remarking about how far I've come along.

 

I tell you what, NC can feel terrible. You feel like you have no control because nothing is happening, so you don't feel any better. But one day you will realize the truth. NC is about regaining control o your emotions. You have control because you are not thinking about contacting so and so. You have control because by not contacting so and so you stop thinking about so and so so much. And you can do other things. Things that won't drain you. Things that give you joy.

 

This is the magic of no contact. It's simplicity is deceptive, but you will be blown away when you realize what it's doing for you.

 

Have a good day, everyone.

i agree that NC feels terrible....initially i'd hv thought that NC would bring him back to me, so I insist NC no matter how hard it is, but as time goes by, I just felt I have no control of the situation, like as if I have done nth to salvage the relationship...it just feel so bad.