Why does it seem so easy for him?

[stillafool]

No chit chat. Usually just drop off and explain what the kids need for the next day. I probably enable him to much with that, but I do it so my kids know what they need for each day. He needs me to find out what snacks, lunch, or dinner they want instead of asking them.

 

 

Why does he need you to do this instead of asking them what they want instead? You are enabling him somewhat.

[Hope4thefuture]

I don't know why I do it. He will text me about it, and like a "good little girl" I text back. I should tell me to f***ing do it himself. But I'm afraid that he won't and my boys won't get what they need for school or whatever. I think he still has me under his control somewhat. I am trying to break free from that little by little.

[Shocked Suzie]

I sorta did this, situations like that used to upset me because of the normal familiarity in the chit chat as if nothing was really going on!?! As if I should except it, his terms and roll with all that he was throwing my way....like I was the one the issue If you know what I mean??

 

All I know from my experience "this type of communication" is pointless, he's a grown man and I'm sure he can work it out "there his kids after all"...

 

It's another way of sorta holding on (well it was for me anyway) and it was pointless...again just hindering my healing process and trying to keep some sort of connection/normality

 

Minimal if poss no verbal contact, hi n bye....busy girl, things to do...he's not important type of thing, be polite but firm

 

Remember draw that line....for you xx

[Hope4thefuture]

Well made it through another week. The weekdays are the easy part. It's when I am alone on the weekend.

 

First, he is continuing to date this OW now and bringing the boys along too. Every time I hear that they all go out together makes me remember what I had and what I don't have now. Don't get me wrong, I am not ready to date yet. It just reminds me of what I am missing. When my STBX husband left I was sad because I wanted to work on us and make it work. Now I am sad because I know he has moved on. He is enjoying life again, and I have my moments when I do. It just hurts knowing he is happy without me.

 

Second, was working on finances today. Made myself feel like an idiot. I would take care of my bills and the children's things. He did the rest. I regret not learning about everything because it is hard now. One thing I will learn from this divorce is how to stand on my own two feet more and not be so dependent on someone else. My whole relationship I was dependent on him for my happiness. Now I have to be dependent on my own happiness.

 

I don't remember ever doing that. My self esteem was high when others liked me, and low when they didn't. I need to build up my own self esteem dependent only on myself. I know that. It is easy to type that but difficult to follow. Here's hoping I can do it!

[Shocked Suzie]

Online banking is great!! Get all your providers/bills give them a call set up direct debits or you can pay via online... Also do money transfers... I do all mine via my mobile phone. I also have two connecting accounts that I move money over to to save this includes things like end of year car rego. Pop online to your bank or other banks and see if they have yearly budget planners and print it off...also I find breaking all my bills over fortnight is best so not to get a huge yearly bill and avoid temptation of taking savings.

 

Also most banks should offer you financial planning advice

 

Remember it's a long road it all takes time...

 

Your doing great

 

SSx

[Hope4thefuture]

Each week seems to be getting a little easier. My mind is occupied by other things. I focus on my boys and my job. Enjoying time with friends and family.

 

However now I am having lots of dreams about him. Sometimes we are back together. Sometimes he is with someone else. After all the progress I have made, these dreams start my day off on the wrong foot. I think about him more after these dreams. I want to move forward. However when I dream about him it brings me backwards. What to do??

[Shocked Suzie]

Yes or I've had ones that I sobbing too, they are unsettling... In the early days I used to wear myself out and that used to help.

 

Not sure if your into it, it is the first time for me but I've had some reiki healing... It has helped

 

SS x

[headspins]

Wow! I came across your post&thought to myself that's exactly how I feel about my wife. Its really bothersome for any spouse that's more emotional, and quite possibly still the one bitter. I am waiting on her to either call me to discuss the terms, or just file. Before I had mentioned getting together to go over it&try to have an amicable divorce. However, alot has happened since. She traded in her best friend for her boyfriend. She was our maid of honor @ our wedding. Naturally I know him&I am so unbelievably disgusted, uncomfortable, and just want to disappear. Unfortunately I cant cuz we have a son together. We've been seperated before&she has this capability of just being eons ahead of me in terms of moving on. Its as if she was already ready for it to happen. She shuts down completely

Totally emotionless, and acts as if everything is ok. Like it didn't even happen, or like im some friend of hers. Its the craziest thing ever, but I would surmise its a particular type of person that does this

Similar characteristics, personality disorders. I dunno.

[Raena]

As I read through this whole thread it seemed like you were getting better and better each step.

 

I need some of that right now because I'm going through this funk that I can't seem to shake. I have felt a lot of what you are feeling... not understanding how he could move on from us so fast, how he could so easily forget me, how he could seem so happy without me when I thought we were pretty happy together. I don't get it either. I don't want him back but I can't seem to move on either.

 

I'm actually surprised that you were ok with him introducing his OW to your children. I haven't allowed that yet. I don't know when it's appropriate to do so. I may start another thread focused on just that topic to see what others think.

[Hope4thefuture]

He moved out at the end of the summer so I have been working on this for a little while now. I do think it gets easier every day. Of course I do have setbacks now and then, but I want to move forward. I feel like the only way to do that is too focus on other things. Yesterday I had my boys and it was the first time I almost forgot to have the boys call him because we were having such a good time. It felt good to actually forget about him completely.

 

No, I don't like that he introduced the OW already, but to be honest I didn't have a choice. One night I asked him if he was dating and he told me no. Then about 3 weeks later my boys told me they went out with dad and his "friend". So I asked him about it. He told me he wasn't sure how he felt about her, but obviously he liked her enough to introduce her to the boys. If I had it my way, I think he should not have. However, I have no control over who he sees. I can only hope that he and this OW will treat them the right way.

 

He hasn't told the boys he is dating her so that will be an interesting talk when that happens. All I can do is take it one day at a time.

[Hope4thefuture]

Some days are good and some days are difficult. Unfortunately today was not so good. In our marriage, we each had our specific jobs we were good at. For me it was taking care of the kids, knowing what is happening at school, their needs. For him it was the finances and the maintenance on the house. 2 of my weaknesses.

 

Going through this divorce, I have gotten better with finances, however the house still gets me. Today I found out my basement is leaking, and I have no clue what to do. So I checked all my sinks, toilets, showers. I had to call for reinforcements: my parents. I am so lucky to have such supportive parents. I should look at this in a positive way. I have help. We think we found the problem: the dreaded dishwasher. So I should be happy that I am capable and learning these new things. But it just reminds me of how I miss him.

 

I miss him not being here. Just a bad day. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

[D-Lish]

I miss him not being here. Just a bad day. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

 

Honestly, you'll find some liberation in doing things for yourself. It may seem daunting at first- to venture out and figure things out without him around- but those types of things are what will lead to healing.

 

I remember the first time my car broke down after my exH and I broke up. He'd always taken care of stuff like that- and before him, my dad did. I thought it was the end of the world when my car wouldn't start one day. I was living paycheque to paycheque, couldn't afford a trip to the garage- but looked on the internet, figured out it was probably my car battery. I walked to Canadian Tire with my manual- bought the correct battery- then looked on the internet how to install the battery in my car. IT WORKED! lol. It was pretty liberating- regardless of whether or not a battery is actually ridiculously easy to install in a car.

 

The more you figure out how much you can actually do for yourself- the better you're going to feel about flying solo. It's not as scary as it seems.

[Hope4thefuture]

Feeling down today. There are so many days I feel fine. I don't think about him. Then BAM he is in my thoughts. It is not about reconciliation. I am actually thinking about the OW. I keep thinking what does she have that I don't. What makes her so special? Why do you want her and not our life?

 

I am feeling alone tonight. I have my boys with me tonight and that helps. But I am missing the emotional connection with someone else. I miss having someone to talk about my day. I miss sharing my thoughts with someone. I miss sharing my dreams with someone.

 

I don't necessarily miss him. I definitely miss the idea of him. And it bothers me that he has found that again and I haven't. Part of me is afraid I never will again.