Should I be feeling this way?

[WhalesTail]

My boyfriend and I have a great relationship, with heaps of trust between us. He goes away for weeks at a time and to combat the sexual tension we will talk dirty to each on the phone. These past couple weeks he has been bringing up a threesome. I liked the idea, because I am curious as to what it would be like with a female and we agreed we would do it.

I am regularly not a jealous person, I like my boyfriend to have female friends just like I have guy friends.

However, last night he brought up the threesome again but suggested it one of my friends. This friend, is one of our mutual friend's ex-girlfriend that we have kept in contact with. Him more then me, where they are going out for lunch together without me and texting quite regularly talking about random things too like what they had for dinner and stuff. When me and her do hang out, my boyfriend makes alot of comments referring to us doing it like "Get drunk and enjoy each others company ;)" and "Where are my dirty pics from you girls last night?" I guess he has even texted her before asking for dirty pics of the both of us on another occasion. (which she told me lightheartedly the other day)

 

The fact that he brought her up in the threesome last night really bothers me. Not just that, but he told me how he fantasizes a lot about it being her, me and him. It made me outright not want a threesome, especially because of the red flags that have gone off in my head between the two of them before. Now I am really upset and don't know what to do. Am I okay in feeling this way? Should I follow the feeling in my gut?

 

Thanks for feedback

[AMusing]

Hi Whalestail, yes, your feelings are very normal. I'd go so far as to say there are far more women who would be very uncomfortable and jealous in your position than there are women who would feel comfortable. But regardless of how normal they are or not, they are your feelings and you should listen to them. Based on your gut response, I would definitely advise you to hold off on a threesome at all, and talk to your boyfriend about how you're feeling. If you are already feeling jealous (and again, many women would feel as you do), you should take it as a sign not to go any farther down this road.

[ExpatInItaly]

You are not wrong to feel this way, no. You need to speak with your boyfriend and let him know you're not comfortable involving this friend. Speaking from experience - if you go through with this, you will almost 100% regret it and will never be able to get that image of them together out of your head. It will haunt you when you're just hanging out again as friends after, and you'll always have that doubt in your mind that he's lusting after her. Threesomes can absolutely be an exciting and fun experience, but the stakes are very high when it involves a committed couple, particularly when one feels there are red flags about their partner and the threesome partner. You could easily wind up feeling like the odd one out, jealous and completely turned off. There needs to be a clear understanding of terms before acting it out, and clear signals for one party that the other isn't happy and wants to stop immediately.

 

My advice is to tell your boyfriend this in no uncertain terms. She is not the right partner for this experience. If you decide to go through with it, choose another partner upon whom you both agree. If he kicks up a fuss about that, I would not participate in a threesome with him at all. Take from someone who's been there!

Edited March 24, 2014 by ExpatInItaly