DinNJ Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 For those of you who don't know me and my story.... I'm a guy who's friend of 7 years showed up at my front door, confessing that she had gotten married but was too afraid to tell me...the marriage failed and she wanted to pursue something with me in the future after her seperation and divorce was through. After three heartfelt months and a weeks vacation together with her and her son... she sent me an email the day I left her home town stating that she wanted to make things better with her ex for the umpteenth time. Nothing verbal, or no I'm sorry. Just very cold closure I guess. I've accepted the fact that I was used... used over the years strictly for emotional support... a crutch and or a security blanket. That... I really didn't mine because she was my crutch from a very bad relationship and she helped me to get out of it. Of course, SHE was the grass that I thought was greener.... apparently not, with this 'surprise' marriage I didn't know about. I'm doing my best to move on and getting back involved with the dating scene. But I do miss my friend, regardless of what happened. I'm above holding a grudge because I do care about her and not in the "I want what I can't have way" She was just a very big part of my life... almost seven years of everyday communication. I have sent a couple emails to her since her last email to me a month and half ago. But haven't got a response. The emails weren't mushy or anything, just more like... I hope you can talk to me again one day.... Hope everything is ok...etc. But I get nothing in return. The longest we have ever gone without any "Hey, how are you" conversation, was maybe a month. Personally I do agree, that I deserve better and I could do better or at the very least a better form of closure. I'm also convinced that girl is... for a lack of better words... "Nuts" BUT, since these feelings don't instantly erase the long term emotional attachment that was created I guess I could say that the silence is getting the best of me.... I guess my question is... what could be going through her mind??? Or - will I hear from her again? probably down the road when I least expect it? Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 Come to terms with the realization that you may never hear from her again. You may never know what she's thinking. Expect that to be the outcome of this relationship and try your best to let the questions go. Sometimes we don't get our answers.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author DinNJ Posted January 28, 2005 Author Share Posted January 28, 2005 thanks... I'm doing my best at moving on, but realizing I may never hear from her again is the hard part. I made the mistake of talking with one of her relatives recently.... basically he's very close to her. He was 'shocked' as he put it when I told him what had happened and how she handled me. Made a couple comments that confused me... like as of a couple weeks ago, she was still filing for divorce. Which was weeks after she stopped talking to me. He also said that her marriage was doomed from the start and was going no where. Then he messed me up really bad when he said that he felt I was the only guy in her life that she may actually feel true love with and it scares the hell out of her. His words were exactly how I had felt about her and what she was feeling.... but her actions contradict everything.... and that's what's important... her actions. I do wish her the best and I do want her to be happy even if it's without me.... but it's just so confusing. Link to post Share on other sites
StillHurtin Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 I am sorry you are dealing w/ this. I agree w/ Pocky. Don't wait by the phone or your computer waiting for her to contact you. She may contact you, but not any time soon. My first love contacted me about 10 years after we ended or relationship. One day I got a shock when I seen his name in my email account. I don't know why he contacted me again. He was married, two children. He even called me one day. I wish he wouldn't of contacted me again b/c when I told H he was upset. It caused a lot of marriage problems. I told H b/c I thought he had a right to know. Since she is married you need to let her go and go on w/ your life. Life is too short to wait around for something that may never happen. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 29, 2005 Share Posted January 29, 2005 Originally posted by DinNJ I've accepted the fact that I was used... used over the years strictly for emotional support... a crutch and or a security blanket. .... I guess my question is... what could be going through her mind??? Or - will I hear from her again? probably down the road when I least expect it? See, DinNJ, this is why I preach that men and women should not become close friends. Some women are strictly looking for emotional support from "nice guys" who will always be there like a nice lap dog. Women should get emotional support from their girlfriends and other females. A man who gives emotional support to women BECOMES a woman himself cause he is performing a feminine function. I can tell you are a "nice guy" DinNJ because only this type of guy will do what you did. You are effeminate in her eyes and her azzhole ex is masculine. Women always want real sexual realtionships with masculine men. There is nothing inherently wrong with being a "nice guy" but it will not get you far with women romantically. By the way....you will hear from her again, i guarantee. maybe in a month maybe in 2 yrs but she will come back. But she will not come back for a romantic relationship, she will come back to you for emotional support. Which you are apparently quite good at. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DinNJ Posted January 29, 2005 Author Share Posted January 29, 2005 Yea, pathetically good at being the "nice guy" heard it all my life... that's always been one of my bad qualities. Who would've thought??? Being nice is a bad quality. You're probably right though.... I'm sure it's only a matter of time before her ex shows his true colors again. But I think it'll be harder for her to make contact this time because now there is a silence she may not want to break..... which before never existed between us. Like I said, there was always SOME kind of communication going on. Link to post Share on other sites
matt10020 Posted January 29, 2005 Share Posted January 29, 2005 There's nothing wrong with being a nice guy! u just need to find the right girl! for get her from the looks of it she needs u more than u need her. go out have fun and as others have said i'm sure it will only be a matter of time before she makes contact. it will then be up to u whether u want to reply. silence never lasts forever. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 29, 2005 Share Posted January 29, 2005 Originally posted by matt10020 silence never lasts forever. i disagree, once you are dead, silence lasts forever. Link to post Share on other sites
lynnered Posted January 29, 2005 Share Posted January 29, 2005 DinNJ i think she will contact you again ,but is that what you want someone who is in &out of your life whenever she needs you?i just very recently ended a similar situation we became friends before marriage for 2years had an affair for almost 4 when we were just friends he would drop in &out of my life &almost 6 years of my life !!please don't wait around for in the future me &him have that agreement ,my thoughts are plan for the worst so what if you never hear from her again you said she was there for you& you were there for her ?call it even . its not easy trust me its only been a week for me ,but i read somewhere(forget the book)it talks about not every relationship being forever that may have been what you needed at that time in your life remember it with a fondness &hopefully you learnedto be more careful with your heart &your question as far as what she's feeling from my x mm confused if she has good morals she probly thinks she should try for kids or family it may be a comfort zone thing with him &this is hard but stop thinking how she feels what about you?what do you want from life do it ,work hard to meet your personal goals ,it will help you forget about her and when she does call you may not want anything to do with her Link to post Share on other sites
Author DinNJ Posted January 31, 2005 Author Share Posted January 31, 2005 Alpha - I guess I use "Friends" for a lack of a better word... A better description would be... Two people who met and instantly had a hidden attraction to one another, both knowing it, but failed to allow the feelings to surface. We have dated and hooked up in the past before she moved away. If one were to know us, that would would say..."Geeez, would you two just get it on already and quit playing around?" That's the kind of relationship we had. Lynnered - as far as her needing me for emotional support... realizing this part of her is all knew to me. Her words recently were very strong and convincingly trustworthy. Even her actions... right up until she apparently had a change of heart. I understand your point about 'calling us even' for being there for one another, but the only difference is.... when she was there for me years ago... I never expressed any strong feelings for her, nor did she open up to me. We both just knew in our hearts. She moved away.... it wasn't until recently, last year in fact, when she was having serious problems with her boyfriend that I opened up to her finally. She agreed and that she felt the same way, but chose to stay with him. I assumed because of convenience... I was 1200 miles away. This is when I started to open my eyes. Then she came back around this year confessing of her marriage that she was afraid to tell me about that went 'south' now with even stronger feelings for me, none for him according to her and she was leaving him. I thought about last year.... and held my guard up until she convinced me she wasn't going anywhere. Then after a long week together after not seeing each other for four years... she dropped the email on me out of the blue. No word since. I've accepted and respected her decision although I don't agree with it or how she handled it. Hence, an email. Not much respect for me and our seven years, I guess. I'd like to think she has good morals, right up until this decision of giving him another chance. This was one of many... and many times I had to hear her say to me... "I always make the wrong decision" and here, she does it again with her son envolved too. Her son isn't her husbands, so she had the free and clear chance to get away with ease and almost took advantage of it.... but failed in the end. Alphamale makes alot of sense.... her ex is a true genuine @zzhole who plays the very manipulitive male dominant role.... and I played the part of the guy who loves and cares about her. So I'll never win... cause she still has alot of growing up to do at 32 years old. Even her closest cousin told me she loves getting treated like shi## and doesn't now how to accept someone who is genuinely 'nice'. Do I want her to contact me again?? Sure... simply because she has been a significant part of my life... even my family who have never met her, ask me how she's doing all the time, cause they know I'm close with her. Do I want her back in my life for romantic reasons??? No not really... but I do miss her and bond/conversation. Link to post Share on other sites
lynnered Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 "Do I want her back in my life for romantic reasons??? No not really... but I do miss her and bond/conversation." i totally understand that with my xmm i miss the most the talks &he was/is(i don't know)my best friend &its hard for you&hard for her I'm sure is this good for you just being friends ? i could have kept it as just talking on the phone with him on a friendship level until he left (his wife)i didn't want that(i broke up with him). and how do you know if you were"just friends"the same old feelings wont start up again ? maybe you are right about her lack of maturity ,but how about you being mature would be the ability to say you know what this person doesn't treat me as a friend or a person that they respect i let go &really let go. I'm sure you have more then only her as a friend its hard -i know its hard but sometimes we have to be adults and move on ,I'm doing it now and i sympathize with your hurt ,but morn the loss and move on she seems to have . Link to post Share on other sites
Author DinNJ Posted January 31, 2005 Author Share Posted January 31, 2005 hmmm... I'm sure she's trying to move on... hoping it's for the better. But I think this is one of those situations where whatever she did to me, will come back on her 10Fold. Im a firm believer in whatever comes, goes around. Just like me, she set herself up for disappointment... she's his problem now and he's hers. Link to post Share on other sites
nextel Posted February 5, 2005 Share Posted February 5, 2005 If its out of your hands and there is nothing you can do about it.....dont stress over it! Link to post Share on other sites
mourningMM Posted February 5, 2005 Share Posted February 5, 2005 Number 1: Women who are adults, mature, and intelligent do not value "nice guys" less but more than "bad boys". Number 2: Nice guys need to be secure in themselves and able to set appropriate boundaries. Sounds to me like both of you are a bit immature...not in a bad way, but just not having lived through enough good times and bad to understand that it takes a mix of strength and sensitivity to really connect with another person. Number 3: Watch the Axe commercial, and be a bit of both! Link to post Share on other sites
newby Posted February 5, 2005 Share Posted February 5, 2005 why not just believe what you want to believe, keep telling yourself that she did love you but you are looking for a woman who is more independent and sure of herself and doesnt need this many men to support her. in fact why not do that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DinNJ Posted February 5, 2005 Author Share Posted February 5, 2005 Newby... as much as I wanted to believe her in the aspect that she loved me, I think I'd be a fool because she still chose to go back to the miserable life and husband that made her so unhappy. It's like they say, if she loved me, she would be with me OR at least get herself out of the situation she was in with her ex. Fortunately, I'm not in half as deep as some of the OW in this forum, as far as intimacy goes, but the long term emotional attachment is still there. So in some ways, I can relate to them. I guess I was just wondering if guilt will play a part later on in the way she handled me and used me... and eventually try to contact me again about it. She left me with alot of unanswered questions unexpectedly and she knows it. And she's NEVER pulled something like this or treated me this way before. It wasn't like her... and definately not her style. Link to post Share on other sites
newby Posted February 5, 2005 Share Posted February 5, 2005 i can only speak about this from personal experience, i once had a guy who was a nice guy, he really was a nice guy, he loved me but i was in no way ready for him. i felt soooo weak at that time that i had absolutely nothing to give, i could only take what he willingly offered. it wasnt cold or calculated, i was very confused alot of times about it and each time i called him back to me i seriously thought it might work out. however it didnt as what i could feel from him was neediness. although he was strong in some ways and he wasnt giving just to make me want or need him he wasquite genuine i felt his need of me and i didnt have the strength to give anything and specially not to commit to giving anything to him. this went on for quite a while neither of us were with anyone else well aactually i was at first with an a**h*** but only in the very beginning. one day after quite a while with n/c i was in the midst of a breakdown and i called him. he came immediately and was really helpful and i thought of course this is what i need. make a go of iti thought. and immediatley i did i felt drained and weaker than ever and i freaked out inside and i sent him away. we kept in touch for a little while then i broke all contact suddenly, i actually lied and told him i was moving in with somebody else. i was scared that he was obsessed with me and i think the reason i was scared is because i knew i had treated him badly and it was the guilt that freaked me out. i have nevercontacted him since. i have felt like itsometimes as a friend i mean as he was a nice guy and i liked his company. i guess i was exactly likeany MM MW complained about on this site. Link to post Share on other sites
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