Getting back in the game, my dating journey.

[somedude81]

After being single for almost four months, I finally started to make progress in trying to date again.

 

There is a girl in my dance class that I've started to get closer to. We had a lot of fun together in class Wednesday and we even walked together for a few minutes after class. I should have invited her to have lunch with me last week, but I chickened out. So I told myself back then that to do it Monday (today). And I did.

 

As soon as I saw her in the beginning of class I could tell that her mood was off. She was sad about having to be back at school when she had such a good time back in her hometown. We talked and danced, then switched partners.

 

When class was over, I walked with her again and I asked her what she was going to next, and she said that she would take a nap. I asked her if she wanted to get lunch, and she said that she's tired now. I walked and talked with her a bit more. Before we parted ways, she said something about "Sorry for dealing with my grumpyness" or something like that. Well, at least she didn't give me a clear answer that she's not interested.

 

So I finally expressed interest in a new girl, and I got a complete non-answer I wonder if fate is trying to play with me again. I'm going to try again on Wednesday, or go for her number; something that will give me a solid answer. Though with my luck, she probably won't be in class next time

 

Realizing that I was going to have two hours of free time, I decided to go back to the dance room and stay for salsa. I met a really cute girl and talked to her for a bit then danced. Soon afterward we had to rotate and then the dancing stopped after 10 minutes. The professor was going to go over the answers for the exam that class took, and that would take the rest of the class, no point in staying.

 

My plan for Wednesday is trying to make something happen with the first girl I mentioned. If nothing does, then I'll stick around for the next class and try to get closer to some of those girls.

 

It's been about 10 months since I last asked out girls and tried to date. I'll be using this thread to talk about my adventures.

 

[Please, do not talk] about my schooling or math in this thread.

Edited March 24, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Content edited for conformity

[somedude81]

Somehow it didn't click with me that next week is spring break. Wednesday is my last day of class.

 

I wish I was closer to more girls, and had more opportunities to spend time with somebody during the break. If she turns me down on Wednesday, there really isn't anybody else I'm close enough to ask for a number with, at this point.

[Salvatore85]

Come on bro, you're making this much harder than it actually has to be. You seriously need to find a chick your own age, no disrespect intended either.

[Mo_Do]

First girl seemed to make it pretty obvious she wasn't interested...no?

 

And you're going to try again next week?

 

Good luck

[somedude81]

First girl seemed to make it pretty obvious she wasn't interested...no?

 

And you're going to try again next week?

 

Good luck

I don't know. Last time I talked to her, last week, she was in a much better mood. Today she was just down.

 

I'm going to try again on Wednesday and hopefully get a solid answer.

 

Though I wonder, if I invited a girl to have lunch with me, would she actually say no if she wasn't interested?

[topaMAXX]

Come on bro, you're making this much harder than it actually has to be. You seriously need to find a chick your own age, no disrespect intended either.

 

Don't listen to this guy, SD.

 

If you want younger girls, then do you.

[somedude81]

Don't listen to this guy, SD.

 

If you want younger girls, then do you.

I didn't

 

Can you add anything about the girl I was talking about? Did she reject me, or was she just having an off day and I should try again?

[topaMAXX]

I didn't

 

Can you add anything about the girl I was talking about? Did she reject me, or was she just having an off day and I should try again?

 

Give it a shot, man. Why not?

 

If I were you, I would ask her out, show her lots of attention. If she keeps saying no, just cut it and move on to another girl. This one will miss the attention.

[somedude81]

Give it a shot, man. Why not?

 

If I were you, I would ask her out, show her lots of attention. If she keeps saying no, just cut it and move on to another girl. This one will miss the attention.

Cool, that's what I'm going to do next time. If she gives me a real no, I'll move on to other girls.

 

I seem to be the only guy in class who gives her any attention.

[Salvatore85]

Don't listen to this guy, SD.

 

If you want younger girls, then do you.

 

Yeah don't listen to me. Instead continue going after girls who are on a completely different end of the maturity spectrum, it's worked well so far right....

 

It's not about putting you down SD, it's about giving you sound advice. Most of these girls simply aren't ready for what you're looking for at this stage of your life. There are so many beautiful, single females around your age that I cannot even fathom why you'd want to put yourself through this?

[topaMAXX]

Yeah don't listen to me. Instead continue going after girls who are on a completely different end of the maturity spectrum, it's worked well so far right....

 

It's not about putting you down SD, it's about giving you sound advice. Most of these girls simply aren't ready for what you're looking for at this stage of your life. There are so many beautiful, single females around your age that I cannot even fathom why you'd want to put yourself through this?

 

SD is at the same maturity level as them. He's still in college and has not entered the working world.

 

Besides, there are WAY more attractive single girls in the college setting than anywhere else in this country. This is why it's so hard dating after college. There are very few older, attractive single women out there. I know that from experience. And, if I do find one, she is usually quite emotionally damaged.

[somedude81]

I knew I should have added a note about the age thing as well.

 

Sometimes I feel that I should make a new account so people don't bring up things about me because I'm known here.

 

I have no interest in talking about my age, income level, degree progress or anything like that. Please respect my wishes for this thread.

 

For the record, I'm having much more success with early 20's girls now, then when I was actually in my 20's.

Edited March 25, 2014 by somedude81

[CrystalCastles]

Well I do want to ask about schooling, but it's w.r.t. chicks.

 

Why not befriend some girls at school and ask them out? That's how I've gotten to know so many guys- through classes. Mostly they're the ones coming to me, and I sure like their company- we mostly talk about school and outdoor stuff and what we did on the weekend (girl company is great too). It's easy to chat someone up when they're sitting next to you in lectures. Innocent questions like "how'd you find that math assignment?" are the easiest to start up a convo.

 

You don't have to talk to people with the goal being to get into a relationship. Just talk to people. That's it. Get to know them. Don't treat dating like a mission. I think that actually causes you to give off some sort of vibe of desperation. I think the reason why you seem to be finding dating difficult, it's because you're treating it as some sort of important life goal. You talk to people with the intent to date them. Talk to people, instead, with the intent of getting to know them. I'm a girl and it's super difficult for me to decide I like someone. It actually takes a few months before I can decide if I really like someone or not. I'm pretty slow that way. There are probably many relationship-minded girls out there who think that way too. Get to girls and let them open up to you. Your posts sound as if you're being very aggressive. That might come off as scary.

 

The age thing isn't really relevant. One of my closest friends is a married, 30 yr old guy (I'm 21 and single). We have tons upon tons to talk about.

Edited March 25, 2014 by CrystalCastles

[Chocolat]

If I was having a bad day and a guy I was interested in asked me to lunch, that would go a long way toward curing my "grumpiness." I don't think I'd be too tired for lunch.

[Els]

If I was having a bad day and a guy I was interested in asked me to lunch, that would go a long way toward curing my "grumpiness." I don't think I'd be too tired for lunch.

 

This. Even if I was feeling REALLY bad and couldn't make it, I'd try to reschedule. Sorry, SD, but it sounds a lot like 'no' to me.

 

I suppose it wouldn't necessarily hurt to ask her one more time, but if she makes up some excuse again, leave her alone after that.

[somedude81]

Well I do want to ask about schooling, but it's w.r.t. chicks.

 

Why not befriend some girls at school and ask them out? That's how I've gotten to know so many guys- through classes. Mostly they're the ones coming to me, and I sure like their company- we mostly talk about school and outdoor stuff and what we did on the weekend (girl company is great too). It's easy to chat someone up when they're sitting next to you in lectures. Innocent questions like "how'd you find that math assignment?" are the easiest to start up a convo.

 

You don't have to talk to people with the goal being to get into a relationship. Just talk to people. That's it. Get to know them. Don't treat dating like a mission. I think that actually causes you to give off some sort of vibe of desperation. I think the reason why you seem to be finding dating difficult, it's because you're treating it as some sort of important life goal. You talk to people with the intent to date them. Talk to people, instead, with the intent of getting to know them. I'm a girl and it's super difficult for me to decide I like someone. It actually takes a few months before I can decide if I really like someone or not. I'm pretty slow that way. There are probably many relationship-minded girls out there who think that way too. Get to girls and let them open up to you.

Honestly, I would prefer it your way and just make friends with girls. That's what's easiest for me. I've made lots of female friends over the years. Some of them became very close friends.

 

The problem is that I'll eventually develop feelings for a friend while I've never had a female friend develop feelings for me. Then I tell the girl of my crush, she turns me down, and the friendship is over. That was basically my life from 22-30.

 

It really hurts getting rejected by girls who were my friend and sometimes they start to believe that I never wanted to be their friend, which is ridiculous if we were friends for six months before I developed any feelings.

 

Now, that I wrote all that, you weren't really talking about making friends, were you?

 

Yes I do talk to girls with the intent of getting to know them. But I want them to eventually like me enough to give me a chance.

 

I highly doubt I give off a vibe of desperation.

 

 

Your posts sound as if you're being very aggressive. That might come off as scary.

No one who has ever talked to me in real life would say that I come off as being aggressive.

 

I'm really just a fun, friendly guy who comes off a bit goofy. I try to make the girls I interact with have a good time.

[somedude81]

If I was having a bad day and a guy I was interested in asked me to lunch, that would go a long way toward curing my "grumpiness." I don't think I'd be too tired for lunch.

 

This. Even if I was feeling REALLY bad and couldn't make it, I'd try to reschedule. Sorry, SD, but it sounds a lot like 'no' to me.

 

I suppose it wouldn't necessarily hurt to ask her one more time, but if she makes up some excuse again, leave her alone after that.

There's a very strong chance you guys are right.

 

It really sucks that she used some excuse yesterday. I really wish she just told me no or that she wasn't interested if that's the case. Girls, if your excuse is too convincing, the guy just might believe it!

 

I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt and try again tomorrow. If she gives me another excuse, then I'll leave her alone from then on

[somedude81]

I asked her to lunch again and she told me that she has no money to eat. Then she started to tell me why she has no money, and then I asked her if that if she really didn't have any money or if she just didn't want to get lunch with me. And she told me that it's because she really didn't have money now. I apologized for being pushy and she said it was Ok.

 

So we walked and talked about her plans for spring break. Then I asked her what she does after class then she said some stuff and then mentioned doing something with her boyfriend. We walked a bit more, and I pretended to be unfazed by it. Then when we got to the computer lab, I said by, went in.

 

Finally!

 

I seriously hope she wouldn't have had lunch with me if she had money. Did she really have no clue that I was interested in her? I thought I was being really obvious with how I was talking to her the past few days. Why didn't she just tell me she had a boyfriend the first, or second time I invited her??

 

Anyways so I ended up walking through the building and went back to the dance room to do salsa. At the class I ran into the girl I met on Monday and we just had a killer connection. We danced and stayed together through the rotation and talked a lot. I asked her what her next class was, and she said that it's not for a while but that she had to work on a case study. It's interesting how she right away knew what I wanted to say next.

 

About 20 minutes later at the end of class I went up to her and asked her if she had time for lunch, and she said "Sorry, I really have to work on my project."

 

Well, I ended up inviting two different girls to lunch with me today. Sadly I'm by myself now, but at least I put in the effort.

 

I'm going to try again with the second girl in two weeks. I need to find out if she has a boyfriend right when I talk to her next time.

[organizedchaos]

I asked her to lunch again and she told me that she has no money to eat. Then she started to tell me why she has no money, and then I asked her if that if she really didn't have any money or if she just didn't want to get lunch with me. And she told me that it's because she really didn't have money now. I apologized for being pushy and she said it was Ok.

 

Mistake #1: She says she has no money. WHY didn't you follow up by saying, "Don't worry, my treat" And why would you question her authenticity with the money excuse???

Mistake #2: Apologizing. For what? You asked her to lunch, not a bj.

 

So we walked and talked about her plans for spring break. Then I asked her what she does after class then she said some stuff and then mentioned doing something with her boyfriend. We walked a bit more, and I pretended to be unfazed by it. Then when we got to the computer lab, I said by, went in.

 

Finally!

 

Well, now you know.

 

I seriously hope she wouldn't have had lunch with me if she had money. Did she really have no clue that I was interested in her? I thought I was being really obvious with how I was talking to her the past few days. Why didn't she just tell me she had a boyfriend the first, or second time I invited her??

 

Because you obviously are thinking you were being obvious but were just giving off the friend vibe. Or she never even considered you a prospect.

 

Anyways so I ended up walking through the building and went back to the dance room to do salsa. At the class I ran into the girl I met on Monday and we just had a killer connection. We danced and stayed together through the rotation and talked a lot. I asked her what her next class was, and she said that it's not for a while but that she had to work on a case study. It's interesting how she right away knew what I wanted to say next.

 

About 20 minutes later at the end of class I went up to her and asked her if she had time for lunch, and she said "Sorry, I really have to work on my project."

 

If you have such a "killer connection" as you say you have, then she wouldn't have given you the excuse that she has to work on her project. That's lame. If she was in to you, she'd have gone.

 

Well, I ended up inviting two different girls to lunch with me today. Sadly I'm by myself now, but at least I put in the effort.

 

I'm going to try again with the second girl in two weeks. I need to find out if she has a boyfriend right when I talk to her next time.

 

At least you are putting yourself out there and building up your confidence talking to women and asking them out. Now, I just think you need to be more aware of what kind of vibe you're putting out there b/c I think you tend to overstate the "connection" you are making with these women.

[hasaquestion]

At least you are putting yourself out there and building up your confidence talking to women and asking them out. Now, I just think you need to be more aware of what kind of vibe you're putting out there b/c I think you tend to overstate the "connection" you are making with these women.

 

Agreed. I think there's a disconnect between what SD thinks is going on here and what the chick thinks is going on.

 

Any excuse other than "I can't because I have (specific and mandatory activity)" means no no no no no.

 

Anyone who is interested will find a way to meet you.

[clia]

Good job asking them out.

 

I asked her to lunch again and she told me that she has no money to eat. Then she started to tell me why she has no money, and then I asked her if that if she really didn't have any money or if she just didn't want to get lunch with me. And she told me that it's because she really didn't have money now. I apologized for being pushy and she said it was Ok.

 

Groan.

 

You asked a girl to go on a lunch date and you weren't planning on treating? Really? I agree with organizedchaos that you should've just said "Don't worry, my treat." Or better yet a great way to make clear that you do not want to be in the friendzone is to word it like this: "Can I buy you lunch?" (or a drink, dessert, coffee, etc.)

 

Anyways so I ended up walking through the building and went back to the dance room to do salsa.

 

This sounds like a SNL skit. On to Girl #2!

 

At the class I ran into the girl I met on Monday and we just had a killer connection. We danced and stayed together through the rotation and talked a lot. I asked her what her next class was, and she said that it's not for a while but that she had to work on a case study. It's interesting how she right away knew what I wanted to say next.

 

Girls aren't stupid. This is preemption.

[somedude81]

Mistake #1: She says she has no money. WHY didn't you follow up by saying, "Don't worry, my treat" And why would you question her authenticity with the money excuse???

Mistake #2: Apologizing. For what? You asked her to lunch, not a bj.

 

 

 

Well, now you know.

 

 

 

Because you obviously are thinking you were being obvious but were just giving off the friend vibe. Or she never even considered you a prospect.

 

 

 

If you have such a "killer connection" as you say you have, then she wouldn't have given you the excuse that she has to work on her project. That's lame. If she was in to you, she'd have gone.

 

 

 

At least you are putting yourself out there and building up your confidence talking to women and asking them out. Now, I just think you need to be more aware of what kind of vibe you're putting out there b/c I think you tend to overstate the "connection" you are making with these women.

Ugh, it’s so frustrating that I’m trying so hard to show my interest and girls just aren’t picking up on it. This has been my biggest problem with women. I just come off too friendly I don’t know what to do differently. That’s why I made the flirting thread, somehow I need to do something that girls know I’m not looking to be friends.

 

One thing this should make clear, is that I'm not giving off needy/desperate for a girlfriend vibes. My vibes are, "I'm harmless, be my friend."

 

 

As for connection, I just mean how easy it is to have a conversation and keep it going. This girl was super easy to talk to and there was no dead air. Some girls are much harder to talk to and it’s easy to tell that they are not interested. If a girl at least seems that she likes talking to me, then I’ll ask her out. I’m super bad at reading signals so I don’t even try. Also I don’t want to wait for signals that may never come.

 

 

All I can do is talk to lots of girls and try to get a feel for each one. What I’m finding out, which is not surprising, is that a lot of the girls have boyfriends. So far I know that four of the girls I’m interested in, in the class are in relationships. I’ll talk to more girls and see what their status is.

[somedude81]

Agreed. I think there's a disconnect between what SD thinks is going on here and what the chick thinks is going on.

 

Any excuse other than "I can't because I have (specific and mandatory activity)" means no no no no no.

 

Anyone who is interested will find a way to meet you.

Since nobody is interested in me at this point, I just can't stop at the first sign of anything that isn't a 100% yes.

 

Also, this is college, most likely her assignment is due today, and she needs to finish it. That's a very valid reason for not being able to have lunch with me today.

 

Is there any way to find out if a girl is giving me the run around, is legitimately busy?

 

As I said earlier, I don't expect girls I barely know to be that interested in me. I'm not physically attractive, so my only draw is my personality, and it takes a few conversations to come out. I don't expect a girl to want to go out with me, the first time I talk to her.

[somedude81]

Good job asking them out.

Thank you

 

 

Groan.

 

You asked a girl to go on a lunch date and you weren't planning on treating? Really? I agree with organizedchaos that you should've just said "Don't worry, my treat." Or better yet a great way to make clear that you do not want to be in the friendzone is to word it like this: "Can I buy you lunch?" (or a drink, dessert, coffee, etc.)

No it never occurred to me to offer to pay for her. Frankly I don't like paying for girls that I'm not actually dating. That's not a topic I want to discus now, but I'll consider it for next time. Also, I really don't like, asking a girl if I can buy her something. It feels like I'm putting her above me.

 

What sounds better?

 

"Hey, lets get some lunch"

"Can I buy you lunch?"

 

 

 

This sounds like a SNL skit. On to Girl #2!

Sure, why not? I could have either been bumped out that she has a boyfriend, and spend two hours by myself, or I could go have fun doing salsa. Running into girl #2 was an unplanned bonus. And I did not plan to invite her out, it just happened.

 

Girls aren't stupid. This is preemption.

And yet the first girl didn't have a clue. I even asked her to join me, twice, and she still didn't get it!

 

---------------------

A little off-topic, for some reason, not doing as well as I'd like with girls, just makes me really want my ex back. I wish I could just stop trying to chase girls and go back to what felt good. Alas that is not possible, and I have to keep struggling.

Edited March 26, 2014 by somedude81

[GravityMan]

Come on bro, you're making this much harder than it actually has to be. <snip>

 

I strongly agree with this, and I think it applies to about 95% of the "struggling" guys here and elsewhere.

 

If a woman is really interested in a guy, I doubt she'll say no just because she's tired or a little cranky. After all, she wants to spend time with him. It's possible that she may mention that she's a little weary...and a smart guy who can think on his feet will be able to take that into account and "tweak" the lunch date or whatever as appropriate. If she really had a scheduling conflict...a class, a business meeting, whatever...she'll likely tell him that and either reschedule the date herself or leave the door open to let him reschedule right then.

 

If she's making excuses not to go out with him, then that's a strong sign she's not interested in him and is letting him down easy. Very, very common in the dating world amongst people of all ages. Somedude needs to get used to that. There's a decent amount of truth in the saying "yes means yes and almost anything else means no."

 

<snip> ... Mostly they're the ones coming to me, and I sure like their company- we mostly talk about school and outdoor stuff and what we did on the weekend (girl company is great too). It's easy to chat someone up when they're sitting next to you in lectures. Innocent questions like "how'd you find that math assignment?" are the easiest to start up a convo.

 

You don't have to talk to people with the goal being to get into a relationship. Just talk to people. That's it. Get to know them. Don't treat dating like a mission. I think that actually causes you to give off some sort of vibe of desperation. I think the reason why you seem to be finding dating difficult, it's because you're treating it as some sort of important life goal. You talk to people with the intent to date them. Talk to people, instead, with the intent of getting to know them. <snip>

The age thing isn't really relevant. One of my closest friends is a married, 30 yr old guy (I'm 21 and single). We have tons upon tons to talk about.

 

Agree with this too. Put more concisely, he's probably trying too hard.

 

A confident single guy probably isn't spending 90% of his time thinking about "hot woman A, how do I get closer to her" or "how do I approach pretty woman B".