Getting back in the game, my dating journey.

[somedude81]

Why are you hesitant to make friends with the friendly girls, even if they have boyfriends? Friendly girls have other friends and social lives that they can bring you into. Don't limit yourself to the girls, either. Maybe their boyfriends could become good friends. Male friends can be a positive influence in your life.

 

The more people you know and are friends with, the more people you are introduced to. That's when the opportunities for finding your next girlfriend materialize.

 

When you cut off people in your life because you don't see some direct benefit (like them being single), you limit your pool of opportunities for meeting single women that may be interested.

The answer to the bold is because it's a way to prevent myself from developing feelings for girls who are unavailable.

 

If I spent any amount of time with the girl with the boyfriend I mentioned, I will fall for her. I like her personality and I'm very attracted to her.

 

At this point in my life, it's not a good idea for me to make friends with girls when I'm single. Since I most likely already like their personality, it's why I became their friend, if she's at least cute, I will develop feelings for them. Frankly, I'm done with falling for girls that I'd never be able to date.

[mikefromtheblock]

In college my group of guy friends played a game a lot where we went to a certain busy public place and took turns talking to girls. The catch was the rest of the group decided what you say.

 

The moral of the story was that what you say doesn't really matter. The game ended up producing one real relationship. The thing he approached her with was "So how do you feel about the war of 1812?":laugh:

 

I saw precisely that on... YouTube! Same guy has earphone and his friends are talking into microphone telling him what to say to a random girl on a beach - and sometimes they go really nasty, with some absolute rubbish, and they still get girl's attention most of the times. It just works, plain and simple.

[Babolat]

Thanks hasaquestion.

 

 

So that is the core of the issue.

 

Though the first thing I need to point out is that I'm only 5'6 and average in looks. Meaning, not only do I not have "Handsome and good looking" as a positive, my physical appearance is not even neutral, it's a negative.

 

So then right away my appearance is working against me and women are not physically attracted to me. This has been almost an insurmountable barrier.

 

On top of that, I'm an introvert, and I'm not that outgoing. Likewise I don't have an active social life.

 

As I've said before, I'm hardly smooth and women aren't craving my company. Granted I do have women that are looking for friends wanting to talk to me. Hopefully there is some positive in that, and I can work on it. What it really boils down to is that I've had very little experience flirting with women. I've always been bad at it.

 

The last thing, being confident and assertive. Obviously I'm not. My self-esteem is in shambles. I'm not getting the positive go ahead signals from women, and the last thing I want to do is get rejected by a ton of women I've never had a chance with.

 

If those are the three key issues I have to change, which ones are the easiest to work on, and will provide the quickest success?

 

I do feel that the way I talk to and interact with women is improving and I'm getting better at flirting. Though I still have a very long way to go.

 

I'm still feeling that things are pretty hopeless right now.

 

I'm short, I'm not good looking, I'm an introvert, I have an average size penis, I'm not confident, I'm not assertive, woman don't crave my company.....

 

Are you, getting my message?

 

Stop with all the negatives. Change what you can, accept what you can't. I'm Introvert, I don't walk up to woman cold turkey, yet I seem to do Okay.

 

Be witty, funny, smile, listen to what they say, be interesting even a little mysterious, get a good wing man. But man, be yourself and stop focuing on so much change. You will then attract the right type for you. I keep telling you this, you seem almost obsessed in your posts. Calm down, breath, relax, just let things happen naturally.

 

What do YOU like to do? Hike, bike, workout, swim, run, tennis, ping pong, something right? Do it! Join a club, a group, with other folks that share your interests.

[thecrucible]

The answer to the bold is because it's a way to prevent myself from developing feelings for girls who are unavailable.

 

If I spent any amount of time with the girl with the boyfriend I mentioned, I will fall for her. I like her personality and I'm very attracted to her.

 

At this point in my life, it's not a good idea for me to make friends with girls when I'm single. Since I most likely already like their personality, it's why I became their friend, if she's at least cute, I will develop feelings for them. Frankly, I'm done with falling for girls that I'd never be able to date.

 

 

 

Don't be so negative. Why only become friends with people because of what you can get from it? Can't you just enjoy their company? Anyway it's good to have friends of the opposite gender because it builds confidence and you learn lots. In my experience, men who've had female friends or a sister tend to be better boyfriends. You could always make friends with a girl you know you'd never be interested in.

[Babolat]

The answer to the bold is because it's a way to prevent myself from developing feelings for girls who are unavailable.

 

If I spent any amount of time with the girl with the boyfriend I mentioned, I will fall for her. I like her personality and I'm very attracted to her.

 

At this point in my life, it's not a good idea for me to make friends with girls when I'm single. Since I most likely already like their personality, it's why I became their friend, if she's at least cute, I will develop feelings for them. Frankly, I'm done with falling for girls that I'd never be able to date.

 

Make friends with the girls with boyfriends, but INCLUDE their boyfriends. Don't be the other guy. These girls, guess what, they have...female friends, and may introduce you.

[organizedchaos]

Don't be so negative. Why only become friends with people because of what you can get from it? Can't you just enjoy their company? Anyway it's good to have friends of the opposite gender because it builds confidence and you learn lots. In my experience, men who've had female friends or a sister tend to be better boyfriends. You could always make friends with a girl you know you'd never be interested in.

 

We've told him this over, and over and over again in many different threads.

 

And SD, you're WAY too hard on yourself. Remember, I've seen what you look like. You're not a troll. Get in shape, build your confidence.

[Allumere]

Thanks hasaquestion.

 

 

So that is the core of the issue.

 

Though the first thing I need to point out is that I'm only 5'6 and average in looks. Meaning, not only do I not have "Handsome and good looking" as a positive, my physical appearance is not even neutral, it's a negative.

 

So then right away my appearance is working against me and women are not physically attracted to me. This has been almost an insurmountable barrier.

 

On top of that, I'm an introvert, and I'm not that outgoing. Likewise I don't have an active social life.

 

As I've said before, I'm hardly smooth and women aren't craving my company. Granted I do have women that are looking for friends wanting to talk to me. Hopefully there is some positive in that, and I can work on it. What it really boils down to is that I've had very little experience flirting with women. I've always been bad at it.

 

The last thing, being confident and assertive. Obviously I'm not. My self-esteem is in shambles. I'm not getting the positive go ahead signals from women, and the last thing I want to do is get rejected by a ton of women I've never had a chance with.

 

If those are the three key issues I have to change, which ones are the easiest to work on, and will provide the quickest success?

 

I do feel that the way I talk to and interact with women is improving and I'm getting better at flirting. Though I still have a very long way to go.

 

I'm still feeling that things are pretty hopeless right now.

 

 

Physical appearance: Obviously you have things that bother you and affect your confidence so do what many do, fix them. Get in shape, have plastic surgery, get a haircut, work with a stylist....whatever gives you a boost will be a wonderful thing. The bottom line is that those things are for and about you.

 

Introvert: Well so am I but I do enjoy going out with folks, I just need some alone time. Sounds to me that you want friends and a social life...this is a choice. Now trust me it I know it isn't always easy as I'm dealing with this same gap again in my life but it is up to me to put forth the effort to change the situation.

 

Get #1 and #2 rolling and #3 (confidence) will come along organically.

[thecrucible]

I'm Introvert, I don't walk up to woman cold turkey, yet I seem to do Okay.

 

 

Yeah I don't think most men are like that. I certainly don't expect it nor demand it. I actually think that stuff is easier if you see it like friendly banter/casual conversation.

 

listen to what they say

 

 

haha you have no idea how often this doesn't happen, how often I've been approached by a guy and he's come out with all this fancy talk but my actual replies go right over his head, as if he's impatient to get it to where he wants, rather than just enjoying talking to me. It's actually really rare for me to exeperience a guy who's genuinely interested in me and asks enough questions. Before you say it, I do make an effort with them.

 

 

With some guys, it feels like they're auditioning themselves to me and saying how good they are but not actually bothering to get to know me, and what makes me tick. That kind of stuff makes a guy stand out because it's so rare to come across a guy who's genuinely interested in me like that. That's where I think mindset is important. If you come from a mindset of putting a woman on a pedestal, she doesn't feel like you're treating her as an equal...and it feels like you could be anyone to that guy, that you're not special, and guy is just trying to find anyone to be his girlfriend.

 

 

But man, be yourself

 

 

so sooo important. There's no point in constructing a facade because it will eventually break anyway.

[thecrucible]

Though the first thing I need to point out is that I'm only 5'6 and average in looks. Meaning, not only do I not have "Handsome and good looking" as a positive, my physical appearance is not even neutral, it's a negative.

 

 

 

I'm 5ft 5

My best friend's bf is the same height as me. She's about 4ft 11. I actually made a suggestion to her that she go for guys about that height because they're still taller than her, and probably get rejected a lot by taller girls.

She's done that and she's happy and he's an average looking guy (average not being a bad thing. He has a handsome face, just not some catwalk model so basically kinda attractive )

Maybe you could go for shorter girls like my best friend?

 

 

I once dated a guy the same height as me. I didn't care about his height. But his insecurities about it were a MASSIVE turn-off to me.

[clia]

It's interesting that you are in a conundrum of your own creation.

 

You do not feel comfortable asking a girl out on a date until you can establish some level of friendship or knowing each other first.

 

Yet, the girls who want to befriend you are either dating somebody or not up to your standard for dating (I'm thinking about the girls from your dance class last year who you said were too obese for you). But you do not want to be friends with these girls.

 

The girls you want to date do not want to befriend you, so you can't get close enough so they can get to know you.

 

In my opinion, the solution to your problem is to befriend anyone who wants to be your friend. Then through that person (either the girl with the boyfriend or the girl you don't want to date), you will organically meet her single friends. (And all of those girls have single friends.) If you expand your circle of friends, you will get invited to parties. Memorial Day is coming up. Fourth of July will be here before we know it. People have birthday parties. Work your way into a circle (and yes, befriend the boyfriend as well so he knows you aren't a threat) so that you get invited along when they go out as a group. Odds are, there will be single girls there who you can try to establish a rapport with. If you go out with them a few times and the same girl is there, you can get to know her to your comfort level before asking her out on a date.

[organizedchaos]

It's interesting that you are in a conundrum of your own creation.

 

You do not feel comfortable asking a girl out on a date until you can establish some level of friendship or knowing each other first.

 

Yet, the girls who want to befriend you are either dating somebody or not up to your standard for dating (I'm thinking about the girls from your dance class last year who you said were too obese for you). But you do not want to be friends with these girls.

 

The girls you want to date do not want to befriend you, so you can't get close enough so they can get to know you.

 

In my opinion, the solution to your problem is to befriend anyone who wants to be your friend. Then through that person (either the girl with the boyfriend or the girl you don't want to date), you will organically meet her single friends. (And all of those girls have single friends.) If you expand your circle of friends, you will get invited to parties. Memorial Day is coming up. Fourth of July will be here before we know it. People have birthday parties. Work your way into a circle (and yes, befriend the boyfriend as well so he knows you aren't a threat) so that you get invited along when they go out as a group. Odds are, there will be single girls there who you can try to establish a rapport with. If you go out with them a few times and the same girl is there, you can get to know her to your comfort level before asking her out on a date.

 

All great advice, that he's been given before!

 

To add to this. Since SD said it's a problem - have some self control to not get attracted to every girl who befriends you! It's okay to find them attractive, but you don't have to fall for every girl who's nice to you.

[clia]

All great advice, that he's been given before!

 

To add to this. Since SD said it's a problem - have some self control to not get attracted to every girl who befriends you! It's okay to find them attractive, but you don't have to fall for every girl who's nice to you.

 

I'm a glutton for punishment!!!

[somedude81]

All great advice, that he's been given before!

 

To add to this. Since SD said it's a problem - have some self control to not get attracted to every girl who befriends you! It's okay to find them attractive, but you don't have to fall for every girl who's nice to you.

But what if they have big boobs?!

 

Seriously though, I'm not attracted to every girl who befriends me. There is one girl I know who is very friendly towards me, and I'm not attracted to her at all. So yes, I could become her friend without falling for her.

 

The problem is that I could become attracted to most girls I meet on campus. I'm constantly surrounded by pretty girls. If I become friends with a girl that I'm already attracted to, that's when there is a danger of falling for those girls.

 

The only way to avoid that is to only be friends with ugly girls. And I'm not going to seek out girls I'm not attracted to and try to befriend them.

[somedude81]

I'm 5ft 5

My best friend's bf is the same height as me. She's about 4ft 11. I actually made a suggestion to her that she go for guys about that height because they're still taller than her, and probably get rejected a lot by taller girls.

She's done that and she's happy and he's an average looking guy (average not being a bad thing. He has a handsome face, just not some catwalk model so basically kinda attractive )

Maybe you could go for shorter girls like my best friend?

 

 

I once dated a guy the same height as me. I didn't care about his height. But his insecurities about it were a MASSIVE turn-off to me.

So you would be fine dating a guy my height if he's not insecure about it?

 

As for girls heights, I'm fine with heights ranging from 4'10 to 5'10. If she doesn't care about my height, then that's all that matters.

[somedude81]

It's interesting that you are in a conundrum of your own creation.

The conundrum of my creation.

 

LOL, that can be a book title in a series of books about me.

 

Some Dude81 and the conundrum of creation.

 

You do not feel comfortable asking a girl out on a date until you can establish some level of friendship or knowing each other first.

Yup, you got it.

Yet, the girls who want to befriend you are either dating somebody or not up to your standard for dating (I'm thinking about the girls from your dance class last year who you said were too obese for you). But you do not want to be friends with these girls.

Very, very few girls do not meet my standard for dating.

 

The conundrum I'm running into is that I'm only getting close to girls that have boyfriends. The girls that are single, have that wall up that I don't know how to get past.

 

The girls you want to date do not want to befriend you, so you can't get close enough so they can get to know you.

Yes exactly.

 

In my opinion, the solution to your problem is to befriend anyone who wants to be your friend. Then through that person (either the girl with the boyfriend or the girl you don't want to date), you will organically meet her single friends. (And all of those girls have single friends.) If you expand your circle of friends, you will get invited to parties. Memorial Day is coming up. Fourth of July will be here before we know it. People have birthday parties. Work your way into a circle (and yes, befriend the boyfriend as well so he knows you aren't a threat) so that you get invited along when they go out as a group. Odds are, there will be single girls there who you can try to establish a rapport with. If you go out with them a few times and the same girl is there, you can get to know her to your comfort level before asking her out on a date.

And what if I made friends, then met their single friends, and those single friends have a wall up, and I can't get close to them? In the end I'm back to zero.

 

I need to figure out how to get past the barriers that single girls put up.

 

BTW, did you get my PM?

[rester]

The conundrum of my creation.

 

LOL, that can be a book title in a series of books about me.

 

Some Dude81 and the conundrum of creation.

 

 

Yup, you got it.

 

Very, very few girls do not meet my standard for dating.

 

The conundrum I'm running into is that I'm only getting close to girls that have boyfriends. The girls that are single, have that wall up that I don't know how to get past.

 

 

Yes exactly.

 

 

And what if I made friends, then met their single friends, and those single friends have a wall up, and I can't get close to them? In the end I'm back to zero.

 

I need to figure out how to get past the barriers that single girls put up.

 

BTW, did you get my PM?

 

If you make friends and their single friends have a barrier up, you find other single women. The point is not to try to get through the barrier, but to find women without it. You are limiting your world so much that all you see are single women putting up barriers.

 

You're doing it the hard way. You don't try to get past women's barriers, you find women who don't put up those barriers to you.

[Imajerk17]

SD81 heres a thought for you....you go to lunch w the girl w the boyfriend and you tell her whom in the class you are interested in, and your new friend "wings" for you w the single girl in class you are into....

 

Sounds like a W to me....

Edited April 11, 2014 by Imajerk17

[somedude81]

SD81 heres a thought for you....you go to lunch w the girl w the boyfriend and you tell her whom in the class you are interested in, and your new friend "wings" for you w the single girl in class you are into....

 

Sounds like a W to me....

Interesting.

 

Does it matter if the two girls never talk?

 

How could I get it started?

 

I'm actually pretty friendly with four of the girls in the class, but none of them seem to talk to the girl I'm interested in.

[Els]

Interesting.

 

Does it matter if the two girls never talk?

 

How could I get it started?

 

I'm actually pretty friendly with four of the girls in the class, but none of them seem to talk to the girl I'm interested in.

 

If they don't talk, it's probably a no.

 

And even if they do talk, definitely don't request it outright, just tell her you might like this or that girl, in the midst of a conversation about relationships and stuff.

[organizedchaos]

If you make friends and their single friends have a barrier up, you find other single women. The point is not to try to get through the barrier, but to find women without it. You are limiting your world so much that all you see are single women putting up barriers.

 

You're doing it the hard way. You don't try to get past women's barriers, you find women who don't put up those barriers to you.

 

Yep, this just happened to me today. Been meaning to get drinks with a female friend of mine and her fiance. She's been a friend of mine long before she met her soon to be husband. She's hot, but even when they were dating, I knew better than to try anything. So next week we're meeting for drinks, me and her fiance. And she says she wants to bring a single gf of hers along too.

 

See how that works SD?

[justhadto]

I have been going down the line in the dating forum and your thread seemed fun! I love giving advice from a females perspective! Then, I saw all the others. I don't think you're are ready to date. You seem very shallow and immature. If you want to talk, message me! I have read many of your post and skimmed through your threads. I am up for advice giving. I'm 24,so not college aged,but it wasn't long ago for me. I was 20 and dated a guy who was 28. I was his first gf too!

[potsticker]

The problem is that I could become attracted to most girls I meet on campus. I'm constantly surrounded by pretty girls. If I become friends with a girl that I'm already attracted to, that's when there is a danger of falling for those girls.

 

 

ahh, but what if they do something that totally destroys your image of them, thus making them non-datable forever?

[mikefromtheblock]

But what if they have big boobs?!

 

Seriously though, I'm not attracted to every girl who befriends me. There is one girl I know who is very friendly towards me, and I'm not attracted to her at all. So yes, I could become her friend without falling for her.

 

The problem is that I could become attracted to most girls I meet on campus. I'm constantly surrounded by pretty girls. If I become friends with a girl that I'm already attracted to, that's when there is a danger of falling for those girls.

 

The only way to avoid that is to only be friends with ugly girls. And I'm not going to seek out girls I'm not attracted to and try to befriend them.

 

Harsh one.

 

But then, can we really be "just" friends with girls? Don't we just want to get them all in bed after all.

[nerd]

it's scary, i'm a lot like somedude in so many ways

 

good luck. it's tough for late bloomers with our personality, whether it's genetic or acquired.

 

i think making friends with some of the taken girls and their BFs is probably the way to go (to expand my social circle), but it takes emotional energy that lately i'm too exhausted to invest. so at the moment i'm more of a hermit than i think is healthy for me

 

one concrete bit of advice - i find it much easier to not be attracted to attractive girls when i meet them through their boys, probably because they initially come with the label of 'unavailable'. maybe one way to meet girls who have single friends is to meet men you can be friends with and their SOs. it could give you some benefits as far as expanding your social circle without the danger of being attracted to unavailable women. (just make sure you never interact with the women when they're emotionally vulnerable, unless you're purposely trying to steal her away and face the consequences if you fail or succeed)

[somedude81]

If you make friends and their single friends have a barrier up, you find other single women. The point is not to try to get through the barrier, but to find women without it. You are limiting your world so much that all you see are single women putting up barriers.

 

You're doing it the hard way. You don't try to get past women's barriers, you find women who don't put up those barriers to you.

Though I get the impression that most single women do have those barriers up. Yet somehow guys do get through, because those single women eventually get into relationships.

 

I need to learn how to fish, instead of just moving my boat around, hoping fish will jump in it.

Yep, this just happened to me today. Been meaning to get drinks with a female friend of mine and her fiance. She's been a friend of mine long before she met her soon to be husband. She's hot, but even when they were dating, I knew better than to try anything. So next week we're meeting for drinks, me and her fiance. And she says she wants to bring a single gf of hers along too.

 

See how that works SD?

That's actually pretty cool.

 

I just wonder why that's never happened for me. None of the female friends I have had, have ever wanted to introduce me to one of their friends. It almost seemed that I was the only person those girls ever spent time with, and I know that wasn't true.