Getting back in the game, my dating journey.

[organizedchaos]

Though I get the impression that most single women do have those barriers up. Yet somehow guys do get through, because those single women eventually get into relationships.

 

I need to learn how to fish, instead of just moving my boat around, hoping fish will jump in it.

 

That's actually pretty cool.

 

I just wonder why that's never happened for me. None of the female friends I have had, have ever wanted to introduce me to one of their friends. It almost seemed that I was the only person those girls ever spent time with, and I know that wasn't true.

 

I think you need to do some soul searching as to why that has been the case. And don't say it's because of your looks or height. You've been told the reasons many times here.

[somedude81]

If they don't talk, it's probably a no.

 

And even if they do talk, definitely don't request it outright, just tell her you might like this or that girl, in the midst of a conversation about relationships and stuff.

I wonder if I could ask her about the other girl?

 

Yeah I don't really know how to pull it off.

 

Oddly enough, I started emailing my ex (before we started dating) about other girls in the class. I said something that I thought X girl was too pretty for me, then my ex ended up saying that I shouldn't sell myself short and that I'm a wonderful handsome man. Yeah I think that was around the time she started to like me.

 

Why does it seem like I'm back in a circle?

[Ruby Slippers]

Why does it seem like I'm back in a circle?

If you find a certain difficult experience repeating again and again, forming a pattern, that means you haven't yet learned whatever lesson that experience is trying to teach you. This lesson will appear to you over and over until you GET IT. As soon as you get the lesson, you evolve a bit, that particular experience is done... and then the next trying experiences emerge to teach you more lessons.

[organizedchaos]

If you find a certain difficult experience repeating again and again, forming a pattern, that means you haven't yet learned whatever lesson that experience is trying to teach you. This lesson will appear to you over and over until you GET IT. As soon as you get the lesson, you evolve a bit, that particular experience is done... and then the next trying experiences emerge to teach you more lessons.

 

Definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. - Albert Einstein

[somedude81]

So I just got back from the big social dance on campus and frankly, I'm feeling really down.

 

Yeah I had fun and danced with a lot of girls, but I think I was there for too long and a few key things happened.

 

First, the girl that everybody was telling me to ask out, doesn't seem to be into me at all. I had one dance with her tonight, and she didn't seem to be into it at all. Her energy level just seemed really low. She seemed to be spending most of the time sitting down by herself. I don't know what's going on with her.

 

Any advice on how I should approach her on Monday? I had nice conversations with her before, and she just seemed to be down this week.

 

Girl with the boyfriend who showed me her belly, turns out to be very popular with the guys. I was amazed on how many guys were with her tonight. It's obvious that I'm not the only guy she gives attention to. Not once did I see her with any girls. Most likely shes the kind of girl that doesn't have any girlfriends and has lots of guy friends.

 

A few of the girls that I knew and wanted to dance/talk with didn't show up tonight.

 

So I was left primarily dancing with girls I've never met before, which is fun, but nothing will ever come of it, and at this point in my life, I'm looking for a little more than a nice evening of dancing.

 

Right now what's really strong in my mind is the memory of exactly this time last year, my ex and I spent most of the dance together. She was still with her boyfriend then, but he didn't show up that night, so it was mostly just us two dancing and talking. Most likely that's when she started to really like me. God I miss her. And now I'm actually crying

Edited April 12, 2014 by somedude81

[MidwestUSA]

"First, the girl that everybody was telling me to ask out, doesn't seem to be into me at all. I had one dance with her tonight, and she didn't seem to be into it at all. Her energy level just seemed really low. She seemed to be spending most of the time sitting down by herself. I don't know what's going on with her."

 

Did you go sit down next to her when she was by herself? Ask her what was wrong? She might have appreciated knowing someone noticed and cared.

[somedude81]

"First, the girl that everybody was telling me to ask out, doesn't seem to be into me at all. I had one dance with her tonight, and she didn't seem to be into it at all. Her energy level just seemed really low. She seemed to be spending most of the time sitting down by herself. I don't know what's going on with her."

 

Did you go sit down next to her when she was by herself? Ask her what was wrong? She might have appreciated knowing someone noticed and cared.

I thought about doing that.

 

I honestly don't know if that would have been a good move or not. The music was also really loud so talking to her would have been difficult.

 

I could bring it up on Monday, ask how she's doing, and say that I noticed she didn't seem to be dancing at all on Friday.

[MidwestUSA]

I thought about doing that.

 

I honestly don't know if that would have been a good move or not. The music was also really loud so talking to her would have been difficult.

 

I could bring it up on Monday, ask how she's doing, and say that I noticed she didn't seem to be dancing at all on Friday.

 

 

 

I'd say that's your next best bet. I didn't think about the music.

 

 

Sorry you're feeling down.

[somedude81]

I'd say that's your next best bet. I didn't think about the music.

 

 

Sorry you're feeling down.

Thanks MidwestUSA. I can talk to her on Monday.

 

I think the reason I'm feeling down is because I set my expectations too high. And when I didn't meet them, my mind goes back to the last time I was happy with a woman. Sadly that just stirs up painful memories.

[Salvatore85]

SD-

 

The next time she's sitting alone, go talk to her. That was a completely wasted opportunity. But that's the point, this is all an learning experience. Now that you've realized that, next time you'll recognize the situation and know exactly how to approach it.

[somedude81]

SD-

 

The next time she's sitting alone, go talk to her. That was a completely wasted opportunity. But that's the point, this is all an learning experience. Now that you've realized that, next time you'll recognize the situation and know exactly how to approach it.

What could I have said to her?

[KathyM]

What could I have said to her?

You should have said something like: "You seem kind of down tonight. Is everything O.K.?" Maybe she's going through something difficult with family or in her life, or felt bad that she wasn't getting much attention at the dance. You could have been more attentive and tried to get her to open up.

[organizedchaos]

Thanks MidwestUSA. I can talk to her on Monday.

 

I think the reason I'm feeling down is because I set my expectations too high. And when I didn't meet them, my mind goes back to the last time I was happy with a woman. Sadly that just stirs up painful memories.

 

That's exactly what's happening. You're expecting too much every time you go out. Do you know how many times I go out and don't meet anyone? Well first, I'm not on the prowl every time I go out. My attitude is, if I meet someone, great. If not, that's ok too! But that's not your attitude. And that's why you come home depressed every time because you didn't land your next gf. You need to change your mindset. Just go out to have fun. Get to know people. And it will happen when it's supposed to happen. Not when you try to force it!

[RonaldS]

Somedude- if you really want to drum up something meaningful with a girl, you need to connect with her on a real level. Her sitting there all bummy is a perfect opportunity to make a real connection.

 

Here's the trick, though....it should be genuine. Don't think of it as a 'move'. Think of it as, 'that girl looks like she's not having a great time. Maybe I can help make this evening better for her'. Then you present yourself as a compassionate, non-agenda driven guy who isn't doing anything other than noticing and being sympathetic to her state. It's a great chance to engage. And if you do that, and she brushes you off or isn't into it, just politely give her some space.

 

I know I talk a lot of sh*t here about girls, but IRL, I live by a basic philosophy, which is 'When you leave the room, it should be a better place than when you got there'.

 

What that entails is being a positive presence. That doesn't mean you have to prance around like a ninny and act like friggin Richard Simmons, or talk about sunshine and rainbows like some half-ass Hallmark card. I'm talking about being somebody who is willing to engage and connect. Don't do it because you're trying to get laid. Do it because it's a good thing to do. And when you connect, people remember it.

 

Again, I talk sh*t here, but a lot of that is because, to be honest, getting women is like hitting a beach ball with a tennis racket. There's really no challenge. Part of the reason that it's not a challenge is because I know how to connect, especially with women. But I don't connect because I want to date them...I just connect because rewarding things come for both parties when you work to make a connection.

 

Had I been you, I would have jived with that girl who was just sitting there. Not to get with her, but because the world is a better place when your interactions with others are positive.

 

And that stuff can be a HUGE turn-on for women.

[somedude81]

One thing I do want to point out, is that I did ask her to dance fairly early on in the evening and she didn't seem to enjoy it. Didn't seem to enjoy me. So I really wasn't sure if I should have approached her again later that evening just to talk to her. I didn't have a clue what to do. I also don't know her that well.

 

Heh, I probably should have posted about her while I was at the dance. There seriously needs to be a dating advice line I can call or chat with to get live feedback.

getting women is like hitting a beach ball with a tennis racket. There's really no challenge.

And Tiger Woods just says that winning a tournament is just swinging a gold club. No challenge at all.

 

It's easy for you because you know how to connect. I don't know how to connect with women, and I got my first GF at 31. So for me, getting a woman is almost completely impossible.

[RonaldS]

One thing I do want to point out, is that I did ask her to dance fairly early on in the evening and she didn't seem to enjoy it. Didn't seem to enjoy me. So I really wasn't sure if I should have approached her again later that evening just to talk to her. I didn't have a clue what to do. I also don't know her that well.

 

Heh, I probably should have posted about her while I was at the dance. There seriously needs to be a dating advice line I can call or chat with to get live feedback.

And Tiger Woods just says that winning a tournament is just swinging a gold club. No challenge at all.

 

It's easy for you because you know how to connect. I don't know how to connect with women, and I got my first GF at 31. So for me, getting a woman is almost completely impossible.

So, what you need to work on is not dating, but making connections.

 

To use your Tiger Woods analogy....Tiger didn't learn to win tournaments by just going out and playing in tournaments. First, he had to learn how to hit the ball. Then he had to learn how to putt, how to chip, how to draw, how to fade, how to punch, how hitting an 8 iron is different from hitting a 3 wood, how to address the ball to keep his ball down in the wind, and on and on and on.

 

Then he started playing. Then he played some more, and then he played some more.

 

And then he started playing in tournaments. See where I'm going with this?

 

You need to focus on the basics right now. You're signing up for a tournament, and you haven't even swung half the clubs in your bag. Work on how to make that real person-to-person connection. How to engage. How to empathize. How to listen. How to be somebody that, after meeting you, people just want to be around.

 

And it's really simple. It starts with treating people the way you would like them to treat you.

Edited April 12, 2014 by RonaldS

[somedude81]

Ugh! This is so frustrating! Today happened to be the day that the instructor shows videos for the whole class session.

 

At the end of the class he allowed 5 minutes to dance. I approached one of the girls I like, told her that I didn't see her at the party. She said that she showed up very late. Then before I got to make her my partner, she said that her foot was asleep and that I should go ahead to the line then she'll catch up. A few seconds after I go to the line, she walks over to a different guy!

 

Arg! What is so wrong with me to make her want to avoid me so much!?

 

Of course the instructor is going to show the same video for the next class, so there will be no opportunity to talk to the other girl I wanted to, the one who seemed down on Friday.

 

I hate how I spent the whole weekend looking forward to talking to these girls and crap just happens.

 

Why can't I catch a break?!

[somedude81]

And of course I chickened out in trying to spend any time with the girl in my business class. I determined that the circumstances weren't perfect, so I didn't even try to approach her after class. My confidence really is crap now.

 

The way I'm going, it looks like I'm going to end this semester without spending any time alone with a girl. That's a complete and utter fail for me.

 

I am really tired to trying to pursue women and create something from nothing. Nobody ever shows interest in me so I feel like I'm just walking around in pitch black darkness.

 

I wish I could be done with this game. I've never enjoyed dating. I just want to find the right girl and stick with her. It would be great if I could just marry my next GF and worry about other things in life.

[Phoe]

I'm back on page 8, so this may be off topic for whatever's going on in page 12, but I just had to say that I am AMAZED by the fact that so many girls act MORE friendly when in a relationship.

 

Not to say that there's anything wrong with being polite and nice, but when girls are clearly being "friendly" enough to give you the idea that there is interest and you get the feeling that they're flirting, to me that is kinda going over a certain boundary.

 

 

4 months ago when I entered a relationship, my friendliness towards men dropped off the radar. I was polite, but that was it. Nothing more. I was in no way, shape, or form, going to give anyone the slightest inkling that it would be OK to view me as an option. I went into "I'm Not Available!!" mode.

 

 

I don't know if it's something to do with the age range, or simply the location, but the girls you are interacting with don't appear to take their relationships very seriously, and don't seem to have much respect for their SO (especially shirt-lifting girl). Maybe their relationships AREN'T serious. Maybe they're just "having fun". I don't know. But it raises red flags for me...

 

 

It's all speculation, and I could be completely wrong, but it seems like these girls you are encountering just aren't really of the highest quality. They don't seem to value or respect their relationships, and I would just question how good of an idea it would be to even THINK of starting a relationship with any girl who lacks in the respect department.

 

 

Maybe I'm just old-fashioned. IDK.

[somedude81]

I'm back on page 8, so this may be off topic for whatever's going on in page 12, but I just had to say that I am AMAZED by the fact that so many girls act MORE friendly when in a relationship.

 

Not to say that there's anything wrong with being polite and nice, but when girls are clearly being "friendly" enough to give you the idea that there is interest and you get the feeling that they're flirting, to me that is kinda going over a certain boundary.

 

 

4 months ago when I entered a relationship, my friendliness towards men dropped off the radar. I was polite, but that was it. Nothing more. I was in no way, shape, or form, going to give anyone the slightest inkling that it would be OK to view me as an option. I went into "I'm Not Available!!" mode.

 

 

I don't know if it's something to do with the age range, or simply the location, but the girls you are interacting with don't appear to take their relationships very seriously, and don't seem to have much respect for their SO (especially shirt-lifting girl). Maybe their relationships AREN'T serious. Maybe they're just "having fun". I don't know. But it raises red flags for me...

 

 

It's all speculation, and I could be completely wrong, but it seems like these girls you are encountering just aren't really of the highest quality. They don't seem to value or respect their relationships, and I would just question how good of an idea it would be to even THINK of starting a relationship with any girl who lacks in the respect department.

 

 

Maybe I'm just old-fashioned. IDK.

Old fashioned or not, I prefer it your way.

 

Girl with the boyfriend whom I said I liked, the shirt lifter, has another guy friend in the class, and watching how she interacted with him made me realize that she doesn't seem to value or respect her relationship at all. She was basically cuddling with him in the dance room and anybody who didn't know better would think they were together. To me, she was going too far. She also doesn't have any female friends and lots of guy friends, told me so herself.

 

Though with some other girls I mentioned, I don't believe that they think they are being flirty at all. I'm pretty sure that the girl I invited to lunch a few weeks ago has no idea that I was interested at her. She most likely thought I was just trying to make a friend.

 

Though over the years, I have experienced girls that are in relationships generally being more friendly than girls that are single. From what I've understand, they are being friendlier because they are open to making friends with guys. As for girls that are single, the girl I mentioned later on who basically walked way from me, most likely she is single.

 

BTW Phoe, if you ever make it to the most current page, my most recent posts were made when I was feeling really frustrated. After playing some ESO and clearing my head I feel better.

 

I hope you're feeling better too.

Edited April 15, 2014 by somedude81

[rester]

Old fashioned or not, I prefer it your way.

 

Girl with the boyfriend whom I said I liked, the shirt lifter, has another guy friend in the class, and watching how she interacted with him made me realize that she doesn't seem to value or respect her relationship at all. She was basically cuddling with him in the dance room and anybody who didn't know better would think they were together. To me, she was going too far. She also doesn't have any female friends and lots of guy friends, told me so herself.

 

Though with some other girls I mentioned, I don't believe that they think they are being flirty at all. I'm pretty sure that the girl I invited to lunch a few weeks ago has no idea that I was interested at her. She most likely thought I was just trying to make a friend.

 

Though over the years, I have experienced girls that are in relationships generally being more friendly than girls that are single. From what I've understand, they are being friendlier because they are open to making friends with guys. As for girls that are single, the girl I mentioned later on who basically walked way from me, most likely she is single.

 

BTW Phoe, if you ever make it to the most current page, my most recent posts were made when I was feeling really frustrated. After playing some ESO and clearing my head I feel better.

 

I hope you're feeling better too.

 

 

As many people here have suggested, make friends with girls AND their boyfriends and expand your social circle. You're still fishing in a puddle instead of a lake.

 

What happened to the girl with the boyfriend that said she has money to go to lunch now? Did you turn her down?

 

I can understand that you might be too attracted to her, but that is something you can work on. You have to realize that none of these girls are better than you and they all have flaws and insecurities as well.

[somedude81]

As many people here have suggested, make friends with girls AND their boyfriends and expand your social circle. You're still fishing in a puddle instead of a lake.

 

What happened to the girl with the boyfriend that said she has money to go to lunch now? Did you turn her down?

 

I can understand that you might be too attracted to her, but that is something you can work on. You have to realize that none of these girls are better than you and they all have flaws and insecurities as well.

I'm still friendly with that girl and I talk to her in class. The problem is that once I determine I'm interested in a girl, those feelings aren't just going to go away if I'm spending time with them.

 

One thing that I didn't mention yet is that I'm very jealous of couples. It's not a problem at all when I'm in a relationship, but when I'm single I just don't want to be around them.

 

That girl went to the dance on Friday night and she brought her boyfriend with her. I didn't even say hi to her.

[somedude81]

And here it goes again with a girl who is single being cold and avoidant with me and a girl who is really friendly has a boyfriend.

 

This is getting really annoying. It seems completely backwards.

 

How come the girls who are single aren't more friendly with me? I see them talking and laughing with other guys, and it seems that the only girls who want to talk to me all have boyfriends.

 

I really don't want to make this obsevervation but it seems that the guys the single girls enjoy talking to are all taller and better looking than I am.

Edited April 16, 2014 by somedude81

[shet]

I too have noticed, all my life but recently a lot more (because of making a lot of new friends in the last couple years), that women in relationships are warm, friendly, borderline flirtatious sometimes, compared to those single. It's amazing the difference. Single women can be guarded and cold, even hostile - for no reason, when it doesn't serve their purposes (ceasing to be single). You assume it's you doing something wrong, or that this is just women, all of them, resigned to them being your fate if you don't want to stay single. And then you, the same goddamn guy, the same personality, the same looks, maybe even the same day and clothes, hang out on a friendly basis with non-single women, either those you know or partners of your male friends, and they're like sweetness and light, milk and honey in comparison. These'll be the same girls, incidentally, who won't ever be single for long. Why would they be, they're so easy and fun to get on with.

 

I've been wondering what the implications of it are. I suppose perhaps it's because those in a relationship aren't looking at other men as partner candidates. Except that in my experience, sometimes the level of "warmth" even while they're with their boyfriends exceeds what I'm comfortable with. Whatever. It's definitely a thing. Suck it up and get back to those spiky, difficult single girls.

[hasaquestion]

And here it goes again with a girl who is single being cold and avoidant with me and a girl who is really friendly has a boyfriend.

 

This is getting really annoying. It seems completely backwards.

 

How come the girls who are single aren't more friendly with me? I see them talking and laughing with other guys, and it seems that the only girls who want to talk to me all have boyfriends.

 

I really don't want to make this observation but it seems that the guys the single girls enjoy talking to are all taller and better looking than I am.

 

Because the ones who are already in a relationship don't have to worry about you trying to get with them. They can let their guard down. See last page. I don't see why this is so hard to wrap your head around. Friendly doesn't mean you're any closer to them wanting you romantically.