Cutting ties with my MIL

[violet1]

After dealing with 12 years of nasty comments and poor treatment, I've decided I'm done with my MIL. I honestly don't plan on ever speaking to her again. We got into a huge blowout fight a couple of weeks ago which was the last straw. It's been like this for years. We'll get into an argument. We won't speak for awhile and then we slowly start talking again. It's become a vicious cycle. This time however, I'm done. I've blocked her on FB and deleted her phone number off of my phone.

 

My husband has been supportive of my decision, but I know it bothers him that I want nothing to do with his mother. I will not interfere with the relationship he has with her in any way, shape, or form. I think she's a miserable, negative person who feeds off making others feel bad. My BIL's wife hates her as well.

 

I actually separated with my H about 5 years ago because of her. She would say horrible things about me to my stepdaughters and my H wouldn't say anything to her about it. He defends me to her now though. Which I'm very thankful for. I want to hear from others who also struggle with their in-laws. Did you cut this person out of your life? How did it effect your marriage?

[bluegreen]

Oh honey first of all HUGS

One of the worst painful things to happen to woman can be this childbirth as they say got nothing on it.

She is bitch on wheels close to being scum of earth but unfortunately very very few man will have a balls to step up and stand up to shrew like that.

I called her quiet few names didn't I you see its cause I got no patience for beating around bush.

 

Congratulations on being able to break off !!!!!!!!!!

Also not a lot of DIL have guts to do this to which tells lot about your personal strength and intelligence.

The only thing you can do is stand your ground on this decision and avoid the shrew as if she was plague if any how possible she will not change ones like her never do.

 

 

 

When you can't win and saying something to him will cause crap storm come here and let it all out you are not alone in this situation for what is worth.

[violet1]

Thanks for your kind words. This is not a decision I've taken lightly. I've seriously tried so hard over the years to get along with her for my husband's sake.

 

She's a very controlling person. I wish I was exaggerating when I say this, but she raised my husband to be very dependant and weak. She's even admitted that when he was a child that it was easier for her to clean his room and solve his problems than to teach him to do it. I was raised to be very independant and self sufficient. I mean I had a mom who was very abusive, mentally ill and often left my sibling and I alone to fend for ourselves.

 

I think it's so important to be able to rely on yourself, be responsible, and independant. My MIL despises me for pushing husband to be a responsible person. She's put my husband in positions in which she wanted him to choose her over me. My H had kids young so she has tried to raise them for him. She literally throws a fit when he makes parenting decisions that she doesn't agree with. She's never been supportive of our relationship. She makes snarky, hurtful comments to me. I just can't take it anymore. She's a toxic person who has brought me down nonstop over the years. I feel like cutting her out of my life is the right decision. Gosh, I wish things didn't have to be this way though.

[bluegreen]

Hon its OK : )))

she is MIL some of us have "mommies" like that

[preraph]

The biggest problem is if your husband puts her before you. He must stand up for you or he's just as bad as she is. No one wants a man who's afraid to stand up to his mother. Like you, I wouldn't tolerate this treatment at all, but it will certainly get sticky when children are in the picture. It might be a good idea to put that off.

[bluegreen]

Lord this is hard.

Especially in cultures where family's are "cursed" ( read close 2 close )

Yes I called this curse cause it so so so so so many cases I seen how that causes misery in poor unfortunate D I L ...

[down hearted]

Oh boy! Can i relate to you on this post! If you check out my other posts you will realize my the main stress in my marriage and that is my in-laws mostly my MIL who manipulates everybody else to make my marriage hell from time to time. it is so hard very hard like your MIL mines is pure toxic! I have kept my distance from my MIL, i don't talk to her, email her nothing this of course is not okay in her book because she wants to manipulate everyone and everything including me, so she is at war with me because i ignore her little tantrums now. My husband understands but sometimes it can be a problem because they expect me to just get "over" things and that is not how i work, i expect others to take responsibilities for their actions am not the one to easily go ahead rollover and play dead if you know what i mean, so there is definitely a lot of tension. Like many of the others have said here it is hard. Like bluegreen said you are not alone.

 

If you have tried everything, i suggest going no contact with her, until she learns she has to respect you, and your husband HAS to stand up for you, you can't do it alone if he won't back it up. Believe me is not easy i know, i am the first to say it because i am going through a similar thing myself. Stay strong and tell your husband that she has to respect you and at least be civil, you come first now. My husband is the opposite from yours he is very independent and that is what my MIL can't stand because she has little control over him, but it does not stop her from trying to though.

 

Let your heart out and vent all you can it helps, i know it is difficult and thankfully we have LS to do our venting and hearing some great advice from others.

[bluegreen]

That's it as the sister above said those like her never stop.

You just have to accept that until she breathes she will spit her snake venom.

So your antidote is ignoring exposing her if you ever get the chance not that it will help but its always good that people know.

And staying as far away as possible make it clear to him how you feel and stick to it don't change your opinion your behavior you and anything that has to do with you.

 

Come here a lot I know it does not seem like lot of help but in some cases its all the help there is to be had.

 

We care : ))) we "know"

and are here and best of it she b.... can't control or ruin that

does that not make you wanna dance little bit

[Tayla]

There was a time during my first marriage that my mil absolutely detested my presence. I was by no means a positive or good enough person for her youngest son. In reflection i bear some of the burden for the angst we displayed. This was 34 years ago. It wasnt til my husband and i divorced, that she acknowledged my being as her grandkids mom, deserving of respect. I cant say we bonded... We made peace. She passed away well over 17 years ago.... And i can sincerely say that she left me the gift of remembrance. I remember to welcome my sons 'betrothed, and hold tongue. I never want to be that mil, that my ex mil was. Instead i had the dil from he//. Luckily my son remarried a beautiful woman whos charm and warmth validates that civility and family time can be experienced. I think for the Op, her actions are wise at this time in her life. I disagree though that water is thicker then blood. There is a balance that needs to be acknowledged. I brought my sons into this world and marriage doesn't severe that bond.... It expands with more family coming into the mix:)

[Leegh]

It sounds as if your MIL could be a narcissist. Narcissists are extremely hard to get along with, and a major trait is that they have no empathy for other people. I have read on-line about narcissists because I have a sister whom I believe is a narcissist. I understand your difficult situation. I believe narcissists actually have a personality disorder, and there are a lot of articles on-line about narcissists. It helped me some knowing that my sister probably has a personality disorder.

[down hearted]

I disagree though that water is thicker then blood. There is a balance that needs to be acknowledged. I brought my sons into this world and marriage doesn't severe that bond.... It expands with more family coming into the mix:)

 

The thing is that balance, some MIL's do not acknowledge it and declare war in an instant when they feel threatened by their kid's spouse. After my experience, i will be at my best behavior when becoming a MIL myself even if what i see i don't feel comfortable with because kids don't belong to us, they do their own lives just like we did our own lives and that is what some mothers forget. That they need to realize that we all need to do our lives at one point or another, and does not mean they will forget you or love you less. Some mother's can't simply accept the fact their kids are grown and independent and try to become the mother, the wife, the daughter everything at once because they feel replaced. This is where i have a problem, instead of respecting boundaries. But i agree there is a balance and i just which most MILs respected that balance.

[pink_sugar]

As long as your H is okay with it and supports you so it doesn't affect your M. My husband lost his dad when he was young and his mom recently passed of brain cancer. As sad as it was, I'm happy to be free of the drama that came with his mother and stepfather. They treated my H terribly all their lives and his mother always defended her husband about everything to the point her and my H hardly had any sort of contact or relationship.

[DitzyPanda]

I'm gonna be facing that in about a year. Soon to be MIL keeps telling my fiancee that I'm not a trustworthy man just because of one mistake. She never sees the good in me and only seeks to make me look like crap just because she herself can't be happy.

[violet1]

Thanks for the responses everyone! It's nice to know I'm not alone. I lost my mom at age 13 so I always wanted a MIL who I could look at as another mother figure. Unfortunately, that's not how it worked out for me and I've come to terms with it.

 

First of all, I don't have a lot of family so I do believe family is important. I have not and never will interfere with my H's relationship with his mother. They text and talk throughout the week

It doesn't bother me one bit. They don't talk about me because my H doesn't allow it. We don't talk about her because I have no interest in it. He knows I will not deal with her unless I absolutely have to. I don't hate her, I don't love her. I just don't feel anything towards her if that makes any sense at all.

 

I saw her last week at my stepdaughter's play. She said hi and I said hi back. She tried to talk to me, but I avoided her as much as I could. I was standing by my husband at the end of the night and she said something to him. Then he looked at me and asked if I liked the idea. I told her I wasn't listening and she got upset and rolled her eyes. Her opinions no longer matter to me. She has hurt and ridiculed me so much over the years, I just no longer care about what she says and thinks. Maybe that's bad for me to say, but my heart has hardened towards her. I just don't get why she wants me to talk to her. She has called me names, says I'm vicious, but still wants me to talk to her, really???

[violet1]

As long as your H is okay with it and supports you so it doesn't affect your M. My husband lost his dad when he was young and his mom recently passed of brain cancer. As sad as it was, I'm happy to be free of the drama that came with his mother and stepfather. They treated my H terribly all their lives and his mother always defended her husband about everything to the point her and my H had any sort of contact or relationship.

It used to affect my M, but not anymore. I told my husband that we need to not let his mom destroy our M and he agreed. Plus, I'm not interfering with their relationship. He doesn't have a reason to not support my decision.

[bluegreen]

She wants A VICTIM she lost him she found one in you.

She will never accept the blame that he might feel same way about her thanks to her behavior NO its your fault.

It always is someone's but never theirs as I said as long as there is a breath in that viper you will have to have a wall around you its just the way things work.

 

Moment you feel sorry and think there is change moment she will use it against you every time no fail

[Hope Shimmers]

Part of the reason I ended up divorced was because of my (now ex-[thank God!!!]) MIL.

 

The most important thing by far is that your H defends you to her. If you don't have that, it is a sinking ship.

 

In my case I always thought the relationship between them was too close to the point of weirdness. My ex is an only child and a momma's boy. When he and I were first married he was so possessive of his relationship with his mother that he would not let me sign 'happy birthday' cards to her. He said it was "his" family. Then there were all the communications every day between them which I thought were excessive.

 

What really topped it off for me was when, for ex-husband's birthday, his mom bought him a subscription to Playboy. (Come on... really???? Is that appropriate gift from a mother to her married son?)

 

We divorced because he was a controlling and abusive person, but the MIL thing was awful.

[violet1]

Part of the reason I ended up divorced was because of my (now ex-[thank God!!!]) MIL.

 

The most important thing by far is that your H defends you to her. If you don't have that, it is a sinking ship.

 

In my case I always thought the relationship between them was too close to the point of weirdness. My ex is an only child and a momma's boy. When he and I were first married he was so possessive of his relationship with his mother that he would not let me sign 'happy birthday' cards to her. He said it was "his" family. Then there were all the communications every day between them which I thought were excessive.

 

What really topped it off for me was when, for ex-husband's birthday, his mom bought him a subscription to Playboy. (Come on... really???? Is that appropriate gift from a mother to her married son?)

 

We divorced because he was a controlling and abusive person, but the MIL thing was awful.

Oh my! That's such a strange gift to give your son. When my H and I first started dating I was 21 and he was 23. He was freshly divorced and living with his parents. His mom would have him give his checks to her. She would pay his bills and then give him what was left over. I always thought that was strange. I don't get why a mother wouldn't want to teach her grown son how to be independant and responsible. She used to say things like, "I'm the only woman that he can trust." She really is nutty as nutty can be. I'm so thankful my H has finally broke free from her controlling ways.